Overwhelmed. Plus a gain.. *sigh*

Monday, June 10, 2013

It's been a tough week or two for me. I'm working hard on getting out of this depression that I have kinda slipped into. So much going on that I am having hard processing it all.

Went to Justin's funeral on Saturday and it was really overwhelming. I didn't make it to his wake, although everyone said it didn't even look like him. Made it through the service without fully breaking down and when they were leaving the room with the box of ashes I lost it. Luckily my husband was there and was supportive as always. But I can't explain how awkward I felt crying on my husbands shoulder about an ex. He was more than just an ex though. I've known him since Kindergarten.. He just turned 27 in April.. and now he's gone.

After that, I headed to another friend's wedding reception because we missed the ceremony due to the funeral service starting a half hour before the wedding. We ate good foods, danced, and took pictures in the photo booth. I drank some (almost too much) but it was a good night.. and I barely ever drink so it was kinda nice to just let things go. Justin was brought up a bunch in the night and me and my friend just broke down and cried together and discussed the past. Definitely an emotionally draining night.

Weighed in today and I am up 2 pounds.. Putting me at 179.8. Depressing.. but I am not letting it get me down. I am back on track. I've been slipping for a couple weeks now and I have decided it is time to buckle down and get back into the groove of things. No more snacking just because or eating things I don't really need. I want to be healthy and it isn't going to happen if I keep slipping into my old habits. Luckily, I didn't go quite to the extremes of my old habits.. but obviously enough to gain 2 pounds. I just know I can't let myself gain the weight back.. I worked too hard to get this far to have to start over.

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Bitter Sweet Life I lead.. :(

Friday, June 07, 2013

At times like this, I wish I had some sort of a counselor to help me through things. I don't know what I need a counselor for.. I just need one to help me get to my underlying issues. And to help guide me through the hard times in my life.

I've led a pretty crazy life.. from being abused as a child, feeling like I was never good enough and that I never could do good enough for my stepmother, and at this point struggling to get through day to day. I can't say I have fully forgiven my abuser.. but I am civil with him. I guess it's kinda a forgiven but not forgotten thing.. but it still leaves me feeling like I lost out on being a child.. and that to me is saddening. I just feel like a lot of these issues keep me from succeeding as much as I could in a lot of things, including weight loss. I am grateful for all I have been through though, because it led me to where I am today.. and I have an awesome husband and the worlds most amazing kids. I won't say they don't drive me absolutely crazy on a daily basis.. but I think they are THEE BEST I could ever have.

Lately I've been through a lot. I had a car accident last Tuesday and have been working on getting that straightened out. The lady got insurance after the fact and tried to file a claim through them and lied about a bunch of things. I read everything right off the police report as for all the details on date/time/etc. I'm not going to jail for some shady crap she is trying to pull over. I did nothing wrong to begin with! But the next thing I was getting to.. was I found out my ex boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident that same day and died. It has me super depressed. There never really was any closure between us. He moved to his mom's a couple months before he left for the military and since he hadn't contacted me, I assumed we were over.. He saw me hanging out with a guy friend, assumed that he was my boyfriend (which turned into him being my husband in the long run.. funny how things work out), and got mad at me I guess. So it was all miscommunication. He'd told me he still loved me when I was already with my husband for a couple years. And I had already had given birth to Levi. One thing that has really been on my mind is that, talking to him on the phone once, he said that he couldn't help but think that it should be HIS child. Something about that just keeps coming back to my mind and it is KILLING me. It very well could have been if we had been together still.. but we weren't. I love my husband more than anything in the world.. but even after all these years I have had feelings for my ex as well. As I said though.. I absolutely love my husband. I would never have acted on my feelings.. They were just there because there was never really any closure. My ex actually married this last year and I thought it was awesome that he found someone that he wanted to marry as I still wanted to see him happy. Since his accident my anxiety has been through the roof. I'm going to his funeral on Saturday and that will hopefully give me a little closure because I don't think it's fully hit me really that he is gone.. Never coming back. (These things I haven't told anyone because it won't change anything.. and I don't want my husband to ever feel like he is not good enough for me because he definitely is!)

One of my friends weddings is also that day.. and starts about a half hour later. And as ironic as it is.. my ex's wife is the maid of honor in this wedding I'm attending but she will obviously miss it because being at her husband's funeral is a little more of a priority. My husband and I are attending the funeral and if we miss the ceremony we'll at least attend the reception. A funeral will never happen again.. and while I realize their wedding won't either, I will still see them again.

With all this going on, I feel like I have given up with my weight loss. I haven't fully. It is still right up front in my mind.. but I've been eating when I am not hungry.. and when I do eat, it is crappy quality food when I am hungry and when I am not. I feel like every issue I've ever had is coming up at once and I don't know how to deal with it. I just need to find the passion I used to have and push myself extra hard to get back on track. I need to get that thinner, healthier me back. I need to find my happiness and I need to figure out how to get through all these obstacles that are being thrown at me!

On the upside, (Yes.. there is one sliver of rainbow in this cloudy sky!) I have signed up for online classes at Colorado Tech University so that I can keep going towards my degree that I set out for a few years ago. I am going for Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice with Concentration in Human Services. Excited to get started and move up in the world!

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Color Run (25th). Car Accident. Crazy Day. (Pics)

Thursday, May 30, 2013

It seems that C is the letter of

the day! I've been pretty inactive on SparkPeople lately. Don't take this the wrong way.. I haven't given up. I've just been a little side tracked.

School ended on the 16th of May for my monsters and we've been on the go ever since. They have been doing roller derby every week, Levi has Taekwondo twice a week now, and he also has Coach's Pitch twice a week. Roller Derby ends this week but gymnastics starts next week. No rest for the weary in this house! Haha.

Levi and his cousin Natalya at Coach's Pitch


I'm pretty much at a stall (if I haven't gained a pound or two) with my weight loss. I'm okay with that.. but I really need to get back to tracking everything I eat. That is the only way I tend to lose weight. Most of my exercise has been working on fixing up a trailer house that we bought a couple months ago. Plenty of heavy lifting and running back and forth. We have a good start for only getting in a few hours 3 days in a row.

On May 25th I did my first ever organized 5k Run/Walk. It was The Color Run in Omaha. Soo fun and soo worth it! I walked/ran with my mom. It made it really special for me because I have wanted to do a run with my mom for a long time and it was really the first thing me and her have ever done alone together (Long story.. but I won't explain now.) It made me feel good that I did for myself for once because I am always running around for the kids. I was finally in halfway decent shape to do it! My kids and husband were at the finish line cheering me on.. and throwing some colored powder at me. Don't get me wrong when I say I was in halfway decent shape to do it.. You just have to be able to make it the 3.1 miles. I saw people of all shapes and sizes doing it and it was SUPER motivating. Next year I think I am going to let my kids join me. They really wanted to do it and they loved that I was full of color at the end.




I had this far typed out but wanted to add pictures when we got home.. but now I have an extra paragraph and pictures for you all.. Took the kids to roller derby practice tonight and ended up getting t-boned when we left. Luckily, my in-laws were not far behind and helped get everything taken care of and got us and our vehicle home. I am completely frustrated since this makes 2 out of 2 cars out of commission. Our explorer's transmission went out and now our mustang is totaled. Oh.. Did I mention the driver didn't have a license? That was what her daughter told us. She ended up going to jail because of it. We are all safe and sound. The car, however, is not. Cop estimated damage at $5,000+.


I was driving towards the bridge when she hit me and spun me sideways.

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My Fun Week. (PICS) BLC#18 WUB at the end

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Sunday I got to go out and shoot my husband's gun. I have only shot a gun once in my life and it was a bigger gun. This time it was a 40 cal handgun. I LOVED it and wish I'd have let my hubby buy me the one he wanted to. Haha. Monday the kids had school and the husband stayed home to get some stuff done for school that he starts May 19th. Kids were supposed to have Roller Derby practice but since we were supposed to get a snow storm they cancelled it. I was sad they didn't have practice because Jeremy usually works every Monday so he doesn't get the chance to see them roller skate.. but when we got back from running around there was wet snow on the ground so we thought we'd take the chance to make a snowman since it'll probably be our last chance for the season. The snow wasn't sticking well enough to make a snowman but made amazing snowballs.. so we had a snowball fight instead. Can I just mention that it was quite the workout??




Here is a picture of the kids at Roller Derby practice a couple weeks ago.. They love it.. and since Jeremy's schedule is changing for one week starting Monday, he will be there for their roller derby practice, Levi's tkd practice, and Levi's Spring Concert, which he would have missed otherwise.


I've spent most of the week going through things and getting our house back in order and cleaned. It is looking quite nice actually. Just wish I didn't have so many boxes that still need gone through! Spent yesterday babysitting and that was overwhelming. I had my two plus 3 others. One of which is a baby and was super crabby.. but I sucked it up and dealt with it because I'm her aunt and I love her anyways. Haha. I ended up being really frustrated when the night ended and instead of turning to food, I enjoyed relaxation time on the internet.
Here is a picture of the bunch I had. Love them to death even though they can drive me crazy. My two plus 3 of my nieces.


Today I went shopping at second hand stores with my mother-in-law and we got the kids all sorts of good stuff. Here is some interesting shoes Levi got. I've seen them before but didn't know they made them for kids!


Did I mention on Friday we leave for Clark, SD for a TKD tournament on Saturday? Excited to see my little man kick some butt and to get out of town with my little family for a couple days. We will come back on Sunday.

BLC WUB
Down just over 2 pounds from last week
Spent time outside having a snowball fight, doing yardwork (raking all the leaves.. You'd think it was fall around here with all the leaves), and playing with the kids.
Goals for the week: Push water! (Still not doing the best with water intake)
Make healthier meals. (I've discovered lately my kids both LOVE corn and broccoli.. well I knew corn but who knew cooking broccoli would be all it takes? No cheese or toppings needed!)
Non-scale victories: Not drinking my calories. I used to love juices, chocolate milk, and the occasional alcohol. Now I just look at them as extra calories I don't need. I still may have them once in awhile but hardly ever.

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Struggling to succeed, plus BLC #18WUB

Thursday, April 18, 2013

I'm struggling.. Oh how I am struggling. Struggling to make the right food choices. Struggling to get exercise in. Struggling to drink water. Not that I am drinking anything else.. but I haven't drank more than about 8 ounces of water today. That is nowhere near what I should be drinking.

I've really been struggling the most with food choices lately.. I will start out good and I have good intentions at the end of the day. But night comes around and it's like I haven't eaten in weeks. Not only that, but it's junk food. Seriously.. can I justify throwing out my kid's Easter candy because I am eating it instead of them? Because I really want to! If it's not in the house, I don't feel the need to buy it. Except I do get Fiber One brownies.. and some dark chocolate for the rare occasions that I really have a sweet tooth. I haven't even been touching them. It's been jelly beans, peanut butter m&m eggs, sour gummies, chocolate. It's horrible. I need some motivation.

I joined a biggest loser competition in one of my groups and I thought that would be motivation enough. Maybe I should be participating more? I feel like I spend more time online than I am able to spend doing things though. I'm spending more time reading up on the challenges so then making time for the challenges makes it hard for me.. and trying to keep up with them because there are the 5 constant challenges and then daily or weekly challenges. I would like to get all the points for the challenges but I think it's just unrealistic.. so I am just going to do basics. I am going to start making sure I have at least 10 minutes of exercise each day and I am going to work on cutting out sugar.

I have decided that at the end of my blogs will be where I post my BLC stuff like goals, struggles, challenges, etc. That way if people don't want to read all that, they don't have to. Not that they have to anyways..

BLC #18 WUB Goals, Etc.
This week has been full of struggles on foods, water, and exercise.. so here are some of my goals.

1.) Cut sugars out of my diet.
- 1 SMALL sugary snack allowed daily (obviously can skip it if I want to!) or every other day so it doesn't backfire on me and make me eat to extremes.

2.) Eat more fruit and vegetables. My diet usually always involves stuff from the other food groups.. with little amounts of fruits and veggies. I want to try to get to eating clean.. so what better way to start.
- Eat at least 1 serving of fruit and 1 serving of vegetables each day.

3.) Drink more water.
- Drink at least 3 bottles of water a day. Preferably more but this will allow me to build myself up to the 8 glasses. I currently drink about 1 or 2. My water bottles are the 16.9oz bottles.

4.) More exercise!! I don't exercise every day.. or even every few days. I need more exercise. Enough said.
- Exercise at least 10-15 minutes every day.

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