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Things I wish men knew

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

1. You shed too. Like a damn collie. Maybe your hair doesn’t clog the bathroom drain. It does, however, turn up on counters, on the shower wall and the soap, in towels, on the sheets, and occasionally in our mouths. Often we wish you weren’t bald, it would make it far easier to understand!

2. YOU have too many shoes. We remind ourselves of that every single time we trip or stub a toe on the pair of clodhoppers you have laying in the doorway, by the couch, at the foot of the bed, and on the porch. We are fully aware that you “ALWAYS put them there,”... AHEM!.. There is really no need for you to possess 3 pairs of identical work boots. If they are worn out, toss them. If they pinch your toes, get rid of them. Yes, we absolutely need 27 pairs of black strappy heels, thank you for asking.

3. No, we don’t think you can read our minds, don’t be silly! We realize that it may take you a few days to acquire that skill. There will be ample opportunity for you to demonstrate.

4. We lie occasionally. About how much money we spent, how we spent our day, whether or not we were too busy to pick up the phone, and even about how many drinks we had after work before coming home. This is ok, unless you prefer to discuss who we learned it from… rest assured that if it wasn’t you, it will be for this conversation.

5. We know EVERY TIME you lie. It isn’t really a question of whether or not you are going to be called out on this… it’s simply a question of WHEN.

6. You spend money on ridiculous things.

I understand that while you already own one, THAT particular screwdriver has a light on the end and can also autopilot the truck and has a warning device that alerts you 15.4 seconds before an asteroid hits the seventh ring of Saturn – Neat! You don’t need it. Yes, spending $9 on a 12 oz jar of tahini to use 2 tbls. for my homemade hummus that only lasts 3 days is completely justifiable.

7. Yes, honey, sometimes you ARE only wanted around just because we need someone to cut the grass. But you do it SO well!

8. Some of you should really consider watching porn. When you get home kindly arm yourself with a notebook and pen. Pay close attention and take notes.

9. Some of you should stop watching porn. As much as I hate to break the news to you, (see how good we are at lying?) she gets paid to pretend that feels good. I assure you, she's pretending. Takes one to know one.

10. If we have hot flashes, kindly leave the thermostat alone and put on a sweater - unless the urge to have your entrails cut out with a spoon is just too hard to resist.

11. Yes we often use the words “go ahead”, “I don’t mind”, and “if you want to.” While it may appear to insinuate permission, these words are actually DARES.

12. You have at least one friend we hate.

13. You have at least one friend we fantasize about being trapped in a cabin in the mountains with. Complete with fireplace, plenty of wood, wine, strawberries and…… “oh my goodness I have accidentally spilled chocolate sauce all over your shirt!”

14. Our best friend knows EVERYTHING.

She knows you fart in your sleep, cried during the season finale of Dawson’s Creek, know every character’s name on Desperate Housewives, who REALLY fixed the garbage disposal, exactly how much hair is on your back, and your skills (and lack of!) between the sheets. And that was just yesterday’s conversation.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1STATEOFDENIAL 11/6/2012 11:55PM

    Here's another for you... Yes we know it can be a pain to lift the toilet seat. Yes we know that you don't want to clean it up when you miss. But we much less enjoy taking a butt-bath when we're half asleep, and if we have to step in a puddle even once you will never live it down. At least you're facing the toilet and can see where you're aiming; we sit down blindly. We win.

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DALID414 11/6/2012 11:29PM

Thanks for the laughs!!!

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LYNNA1968 11/6/2012 10:44PM

    LMAO I can't believe you told!

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MIDROAD 11/6/2012 9:48PM

    Ladies and Gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Jessicamas.. emoticon

Loved your blog :)

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SHIRLEYB711 11/6/2012 9:41PM

    so true and funny!

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-VIXEN- 11/6/2012 9:11PM


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DEEJON123 11/6/2012 9:07PM

    I love this, sometimes they need to be either put in their place or just plain old reminded of EVERYTHING just to add my thoughts to your list.

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PROUD-GRANDMA 11/6/2012 9:04PM


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Menopause, menstrual cramps, mental illness, mental breakdowns…ever notice that all of your problems

Monday, October 29, 2012

As a married couple my husband and I share absolutely everything. I have decided that 28 days from now I shall begin feeding him a high dose of laxatives monthly so he can share my cramps. Seems fair.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSICAMAS 11/1/2012 5:38PM

    I don't think I've seen that one Bama!! Have a link to it?

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BAMAJAM 11/1/2012 4:50PM

  Now, now--- be nice!
The greatest joke of all: Someone labeled it "shared childbirth." This is funny!

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CAKAROO 10/30/2012 6:16AM


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MIDROAD 10/29/2012 9:26PM

    OMG Jessica, you crack me up!

Sorry about the cramps though honey!

Hope you feel better soon!


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1STATEOFDENIAL 10/29/2012 8:18PM

    I think the better solution is making him take over most of the work you do around the house for a week. It will keep him busy so he's not complaining and you won't have to do it. haha

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Jillian Michaels is a Sadistic B-----!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Again, I cannot say it enough - Jillian Michaels is a Sadistic B-----!

Am I totally out of shape? Not totally. Am I "in shape", not totally. I can, however, bust my way through an hour of circuit training or kickboxing with a LOT of sweat and no breaks, and STILL walk around without my legs trembling as if they are separate entities all their own.

Enter Jillian Michaels - Shred It with Weights. I have aliens in my thighs. My heart wants to fall out my butt.

I bought this video a few days ago, frankly because it was in the $5 bin at Big Lots. I wanted a change. I've been working out to Gilad (sigh... he's hot) but I've gotten bored with the same cardio workout day in and day out. Yes it works, yes it's motivating, YES it's getting old! I saw Shred It and thought to myself "Self, you need a little variety, you are getting lazy again!" And as I said - $5 so why not?

Let me tell you why not - Jillian Michaels is a Sadistic B-----!

I do not own a kettle ball, so I planned to use my 15lb dumbell. (I'm fairly used to lifting weights so 15lb sounded like a good idea.)

I popped the dvd in last night just to watch it through and get an idea of the moves, form, etc and thought to myself "Self, that looks pretty easy, less than 30 min, you are probably going to have to stare at Gilad when you are finished or do both level one AND two of Shred It to get a decent workout."

I am now done working out to Level 1 of the video. With breaks. With an 8lb dumbell. And aliens in my thighs. It was truly a great workout interspersed with various comments from me such as "what the hell am I standing back up for, I just got down here!, screw you this is SO a squat!, and so on.

I am walking like a marionette. NOT because my legs are so relaxed, but because the aliens won't stay still. I flopped down into this chair. WTH!!

I will certainly keep this video, it was fun, quick, and because when I do finish it without aliens, and my heart gives up on trying to exit through my butt, I am going to give that cocky eyebrow of Jillian's the finger. And it's going to "pop".

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIDROAD 10/24/2012 2:27PM

    Love your blogs Jessica! And you are right she's just not. a B, she's a B amongst
B's. I would never even dare to attempt one of her workouts. I periused her beginning something, something video,I was like Oh hell NO!

But I admire your courage and fortitude.

Soldier on my brave little friend!

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1STATEOFDENIAL 10/24/2012 2:09PM

    Different workouts really target different muscles. That's why it's important to switch up now and again. Congrats on making the choice to give it a try and sticking with it.

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The rest of my stash from PA

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

It just occurred to me to include this photo as well lol. Now that you have seen the photo of the killer cabbage (if you haven't, take a look at the "attack of the killer cabbage" blog post please!!!,) you have an idea of the sheer size of these vegetables I picked up at the vegi stand! I couldn't wait to take these pics... I chose that over unloading the car lol.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSICAMAS 10/17/2012 9:52AM

    I'm not sure... open to suggestions, please!!!!! Just not with meat lol If you have any recipes you would recommend please throw them to my inbox lol did you see the other photo?

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MIDROAD 10/17/2012 9:45AM

    Just goregous! Love the 15 lb cabbage. So whatcha making?

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CAKAROO 10/17/2012 6:17AM


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JUDYHELP 10/17/2012 12:20AM

  emoticon emoticon they look awesome! Enjoy. I'm with you I'd take veggies over unloading the car any day. Judy

Comment edited on: 10/17/2012 12:21:52 AM

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JESSICAMAS 10/17/2012 12:11AM

    YEAH YUMMMMM!!!! I am so excited, I've succeeded in doing very little today except finding recipes lol!

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DOLLFACEDX 10/17/2012 12:08AM


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Attack of the Killer Cabbages in theaters this fall

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

OK, excuse the glare and this very short entry but for obvious reasons I HAD to share this pic!!

I was at a vegi stand in Warren, PA last friday and this incredibly kind young man working was nice enough to allow me to use him as a display stand for my monster cabbage and cauliflower! I am not sure what was more impressive, veggies the size of basketballs (hence the need for the pic as proof lol) or the fact that I paid $1.50 each. EACH. Not per pound. EACH!!!!!!! and those weren't especially large, those two monsters were about average compared to the rest! Along with carrots the size of cucumbers, massive acorn squashes (squash is 8.99 per BASKET btw), and bell peppers nearly as big as the squash...... well, lets just say I made out like a bandit and the car reeked the entire 900 mile home! I have no doubt that after riding with my stash I reeked as well, thankfully the lovely employees of the Waffle House were much to kind to tell me that. Or they were after tips... it did seem they were reluctant to sit customers near me... hmm.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAKAROO 10/17/2012 6:18AM


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UMBILICAL 10/16/2012 11:50PM


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