Thursday, June 06, 2013
I haven't really been around Spark for a little while. That's certain. A lot of things have happened, and Spark seemed to fall by the wayside. But I would sometimes come back just for this team, because I loved the people I had met here and the awesome, awesome times I remembered having.
I recently received an email, just like everyone else, that this team was getting a shaking-awake. I got kind of excited, since I used to have so much fun on this team and I thought getting back in touch with my old friends would be awesome.
Unfortunately, I was disappointed to find that what I was coming back to was not a fun, free environment, but something more similar to Umbridge's reign at Hogwarts.
That might be harsh. But I feel it's pretty accurate. There are some of the new changes that I could have dealt with. Posting daily, letting someone know if you wouldn't be able to participate in team challenges - these I could live with.
What I cannot live with is the sudden, unprecedented rule that we are not allowed to ask our teammates for help if we are being suddenly attacked by Dementors (hardships in life, family problems, etc.).
This team has ALWAYS been a place to talk with friends about anything you'd like. Role-playing is fun, but it has NEVER been a prerequisite for posting in this team. The sudden ban on talk of anything that isn't rainbows and sunshine is unacceptable, and the way it's being dealt with, in a manner of "Oh, well, if you feel that way, you're free to leave," is just plain rude.
Some of the members who have been told to leave if they don't like the new changes have been members of this team for YEARS.
I appreciate the new managers trying to spice up the team. BUT. I think all of us would have appreciated a little more say so in some of the MAJOR changes that have taken place. We are members of this team, too!
Frankly, I'm disappointed and hurt that my favorite Spark team EVER has suddenly become so rigid and uncaring as to what its members think. As a former team leader, I would NEVER have implemented such new (MANDATORY) changes without asking other members what they thought.
I'm staying on, at least in the hope that things will get better. But my hopes aren't high.
I wrote this to let anyone else know that if they were feeling similarly that they weren't alone, not to bash any new staff or to "spy" or whatever. Besides, it is my own DORM ROOM, after all.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I should write a short update, since I haven't blogged since May and my last blog was full of my own self-doubt and depression.
I made it through the past couple of months, alternately skating through with out trying and giving 110% (which is quite normal for me). I spent the majority of the time severely depressed and having faith issues and terrifying panic attacks resulting from those faith issues and it was mostly a continuance of the "big, hot soupy mess" I described in my last blog.
But things are actually suddenly (and almost inexplicably) starting to look up again. I'm not really sure what triggered it, but I actually feel hopeful again that things are going to be all right. THIS is more like the me that I remember...I'm an eternal optimist, so when I'm depressed, it goes against my very nature and makes it even harder for me to understand and deal with.
I managed not to drop any of the balls I was juggling. And Annie, if you're reading this, I meant to reply long ago and say that cartoon from hyperboleandahalf describes EXACTLY how I act. I love that blog. I wish Allie would update it. :(
So. At the risk of making this a super-duper long-ish blog, I'd like to end on an upbeat note!
My best friend and I started P90X this week. I've totally attempted it before, but not really *with* someone in a situation where I had to be accountable. We are on Day 4 so far. We do the videos at our respective houses and then call each other to complain/exult about that day's workout. It's pretty awesome thus far. I'm hoping that we continue...
...because my 10 year class reunion is in three months, the exact end date of P90X if we keep going. And I weigh 20 pounds more than I did last year this time...granted, I'm relatively the same size, which means I've lost fat and put on muscle, but it still feels like I've gone backwards. My point is that last year this time, I was determined to lose weight to go to the reunion and I sucked pretty hard at doing it, lol.
I'm not particularly worried about weight and whatnot right now, don't get me wrong. I'm just trying to illustrate that I'm a leetle behind schedule and can't really super afford to not stick to P90X and see where it takes me. I'm hoping to just look and feel at least a smidge better by then, and I'll call it success.
So there's my positive end note. I'm happy, happily doing P90X and happily staying sane most days. Progress! Whoot!
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
I haven't been around Spark for quite a while...of course, I've been dropping in to do the exact bare minimum with my leadership position in CoHP, but I haven't really be *there* for anyone or even myself. I've been chalking it up to being extremely busy, but I'm going to be real with myself. I know it's more.
I've been slowly but surely getting more depressed as the days go by. It may have something to do with the fact that this is May, and the anniversary of Daddy's death is coming up in eleven short days. That's definitely part of it.
But if I'm extremely honest with myself, I know what it is. In the past two months, I've taken quite a bit of responsibility on myself. I do this about once a year...I try to "grow up" all at once and prove to everyone that I can be a responsible adult. It generally ends with me, burnt out, completely exhausted, huddled in a corner with a REALLY big mess where I dropped all the balls I was juggling at once.
But this time, I can't really afford to drop any of the balls. They're all important, and in my mind, all *equally* important.
I'm feeling an extreme amount of pressure.
It's coming at me from all angles: Guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my team here, pressure to be the best Wednesday night youth leader and not screw up anyone's lives with bad advice at church, frustration from the scale because it is extremely stuck at a number that is way too high, pressure from a friend who really needs someone with her most of the time right now and would prefer me over anyone else, worry because my mom is moving out and I still haven't sorted out my feelings about that one, guilt because I'm not doing a good enough job of housekeeping because I've been making Crossfit workouts a higher priority (which I realize is a skewed way of doing things which needs to be adressed).
I'm literally coming undone.
I'm not in a very strong place mentally.
I'm slipping back into destructive habits.
I actually considered not eating today.
I feel like my problems are so minor compared to a certain friend's problems because hers are actually serious issues and mine look completely frivolous by comparison, so therefore, in my head, my problems = not valid.
I'm starting to feel seriously conflicted because I know that I don't need to go back to my eating disorder because I am officially a role model now to a bunch of 13- and 14-year-old girls. It's messing with my head because it's the only thing I want to turn to right now to deal with the overwhelming stress that I'm feeling. But I know I can't fully because I desperately do NOT want these girls falling down that rabbit hole. They have enough to deal with without me falling off the wagon and creating new issues in their lives.
Which only makes me feel more trapped and completely out of control.
Which then leads to more disordered thinking.
Ugh, I apologize for the disjointed nature of this blog. I've been carrying all this around for a little while now and I haven't let it out until now. It's a big, hot, soupy mess of confusion and helplessness.
Which I now have to tamp down so I can go pretend everything is fine when I see my friends in a few minutes.
I do feel slightly better having gotten it all out.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Okay, so I had been doing really well, body-image wise, lately. I really didn't feel fat or uncomfortable with my body...and it felt pretty awesome. I knew I was working out - hard - at least three times a week, and I was feeling pretty awesome about it.
This week, though...the old feelings are rearing their ugly heads.
I HATE feeling this way. I hate not being pleased when I look in the mirror...I hate looking at my face and seeing the extra weight in my cheeks and neck...and I'm not imagining the extra weight; it's there, I'm at least twenty pounds overweight. It's just that for some reason, this week I'm really *really* noticing it.
This sucks. I know that my diet is just. messed. up. I eat WAY too much junk and WAY too much sugar and not NEARLY enough vegetables, but I just seem to have so little control, and when I do, it's quite laughable...it feels like making the "right" choice this time is so insignificant that it isn't going to make any difference in the long run, anyway. Like I'm the fat girl eating the salad.
I'm seriously considering cutting my sugar...I think I might be addicted or whatevertheheck. I'm going to look into it, but at the very least, I need to take a serious look at what I'm eating every day.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Yesterday, I got to spend all afternoon with my husband and three children. We went four-wheeler riding, hiking, and exploring...it was perfect.
And there was this one moment during it all when I realized that I was having PURE FUN, not thinking about food, calories, weight, exercise, ANYTHING...just FUN.
I'm sure this has happened a couple of times since I began recovery from my eating disorder, but this was the first time I noticed it and fully appreciated what that meant.
It meant that I was completely free to enjoy my family and my time...to soak in the sun and capture some sweet moments with my camera...to really laugh and really enjoy myself without punishing myself for what I'd eaten that day or what I was planning to have when I got back home.
It feels pretty significant. Lately, I've really been starting to understand what it might be like to just LIVE, without "being on a diet" or "exercising off that lunch I just ate." To trust that, hey, I'm working out and eating normal portion sizes and that's pretty all right. Progress on the scale or no, inches lost or not, I'm doing all right.
I'm not bingeing. I'm not purging. I'm not using exercise as a punishment. I'm not obsessively tracking every calorie. I'm not compulsively weighing myself 15 times a day. I'm not letting that number rule my life. I'm actually developing a positive body image.
I actually feel like I'm a good person. Like a NORMAL person. Like someone who may not be perfect, but let's face it, no one is. And trying to be perfect takes a LOT of effort, and usually it's wasted effort.
So yeah. I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I might actually beat this thing. I feel like I would much rather be living my life this way than clinging to an eating disorder that only brought me misery, discomfort, and shame.
I think I'm doing all right.
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