Sunday, March 30, 2014
Over the past 2 years, I've struggled with finding the time to workout and be healthy. I've fallen back into very bad habits, including not working out or eating right. As a result, I've gained back every bit of the 46 pounds I previously lost. This, more than anything, has been a big blow to my self esteem and confidence.
I made an announcement on Facebook to all of my friends and family that this year I would lose 75 pounds. I have only gotten to work out twice and have been teetering back and forth between 5-8 pounds lost since then. I know that when i dedicate time to work on myself, I am fully capable of losing weight…. The issue I'm finally identifying in myself is that I've lost confidence. Not just in how I approach weight loss, but in my decisions, how I look, and how I perceive what others think about how I look. I've been feeling like a 3rd wheel in my personal life and just down in general when it comes to participating in things. One main difference between the last time I weighed what I currently weigh and now is that before, I didn't realize how big I was. Now, after having lost such a large amount, I can literally feel the difference in my body, how I move, and what I look like.
My point in this blog is to release some of this inner turmoil because I recently made a pretty big decision. I have been trying to juggle a lot of different things, quite possibly to get a feeling of success back. However, I have recognized that I have way too much on my plate (work, school, homework, raising a pre-teen, and running a Cub Scout pack & den). I made the decision to quit my job so that I could reduce some of the stress in my life and re-gain myself. By doing this, I have given myself much more time, cut down on my commuting times between work/school/student teaching placement. It will allow me to take a different, shorter route home that (ironically) goes right past one of the locations of the gym I joined a couple of months ago.
In quitting my job, I made the decision to start going to the gym at least 3 days a week right after class. I have a goal to prep my gym bag the night before and hang it on the front door handle so that I don't forget it (because I'm really good at forgetting important things, including my purse on occasion), and drive directly to the gym after class. I will not pass go, I will not go eat an unhealthy lunch/snack, I WILL collect my dignity and self confidence back along the way.
I want to get back on track and lose a significant amount of weight for what is remaining of this year. If I want to get to my goal weight, I quite literally have to lose an entire person... I'm talking a grown, woman of a healthy weight… off my body. What a horribly daunting task! But, not only do I have the Spark community to support me along the way, I'm very lucky to have an extremely supportive social circle of people who have or are currently pursuing similar goals; many of which who have been successful and are inspiring me to finally make a permanent change in my life.
What do I want? I want to FINALLY get healthy. I want to FINALLY put my past hurts and disappointments behind me. I want to FINALLY live my life to the fullest and stop watching from the sidelines.
I will be successful and I WILL NOT ever give up again.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
It's been a long time since I've taken the time to really focus on myself and boy does it show. I did the one thing I kept telling myself I wouldn't do: I gave up. I let the scale dominate my life rather than being just another measurement. In the big scheme of things, I've come to realize that losing weight is not my ultimate goal. Yes, I want to get to a healthy weight BUT I am much more concerned with getting myself healthy. I want to be around for my son for a long time and with the way I'm going right now, that's not going to happen. In a year, I've undone all the progress I've made. All the weight I lost, all the strength I gained... it's all gone. I'm disgusted with myself. :(
I made a commitment to myself to take the time to do this for myself (again) and today is my brand new start. My goal is not to simply lose weight. It's to get healthy. If I'm losing inches and the scale is standing still.. that's still progress right? If I'm stronger than I was a month ago and have more endurance... that's progress, right? It's no longer all about weight loss for me, it's about health. Honestly, I thought that's where I was a year ago, but it became apparent that I wa wrong.
Today I took the time to workout while my son was at a friend's house playing. I did this BEFORE I sat down to get on the computer or watch TV. Why? Because I knew that if I sat down, I wouldn't want to get back up again. I also took a few minutes to weigh and measure myself. Again, I'm disgusted with seeing all my hard work down the drain. I've gained 22 1/2 inches of what I lost back. I've gained every bit of weight I lost back. What's different about this time is that after losing it and gaining it again.... I can FEEL it. I can FEEL how big I am and I KNOW I'm fat. When I originally started this journey, I didn't realize I was fat until I saw some pictures. I can't say that this time.
I start school again soon and I'm not going to have time to eat out every day like I was doing before. My plan is to pack my lunches and PLAN AHEAD. I am going to be tracking my food and exercise on my MyFitnessPal site (I like it better, sorry!) and updating with blogs and measurements here. My time is valuable and I don't have much of it, but I know I have at LEAST 30-45 minutes everyday (or 5 days a week) to workout for myself. It's time to learn to love me again.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Well it's been an insane few months for me. The end of July started a whirlwind of activity and there has been no signs of it letting up since. I started a new job in July, school and cub scouts started again for both my son and I in August, I started selling Scentsy in September and October has been a fury of family drama. I've been in a precarious balancing act with everything I have going on and it hasn't been easy. I think the worst part of all of this is that I haven't had a lot of time for myself or my son and my eating habits have gone down the drain. Let me explain a little bit.
Here is what my days generally look like Monday through Friday:
I get up by 8 am, get ready and am out the door by 9 am. I go to school by either 10 or 11 am (depending on what day it is). I get done with school by either 12:30 pm or 1:30 pm (again depending on what day it is). I eat lunch and go to work 3 pm to 7 pm. When I get home (around 7:30 pm) I make sure my son has done his homework and give him his medicine, spend a little bit of time with him, then put him to bed. I then eat dinner at around 8-8:30 pm. Around 9 pm I start on homework until midnight when I go to bed. Then I get up and do it all again the next day.
I have no time to work out other than the little bit of time between classes when I walk to class or up and down the stairs. I have to eat out for lunch everyday because I don't have time to come home and eat. I go to school in one city, work in another and live in yet another and I am in each of those cities Monday through Friday. I (thankfully) have not gained or lost any weight since my last weigh in, I'm still plateauing, which is frustrating, but better than gaining with the eating habits I'm having to employ right now. I can say I did buy a Nia DVD so I could work out at home rather than having to chisel the time out of this insane schedule to go to a class. I've gotten to use it once... yep, you read it right.. once. Even my weekends are full 99% of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm loving everything that's going on (other than the family drama, I could do without that little bit of joy); it's just a lot. I'm the den leader for my son's cub scout den. It is a lot of fun working with the boys. I'm hoping I can keep making things fun for them. The past couple of meetings, the boys have seemed to really enjoy themselves. Last year was the complete opposite (I wasn't the leader last year). I just hope I can get back on track with my weight loss soon. I haven't given up, I think I've just paused until I can get my life back under control. I'm open to suggestions on ways I can squeeze in some exercise time.
Ok, I have to get going. I have a prescription to pick up before I head to class. I haven't forgotten all of you, I just haven't had time to get on and chat with you and check up on you all!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Well, since summer has started, life has been a whole lot of crazy. My son and I have been constantly on the go with very little down time. I started my summer class schedule and am attempting to keep up with decent grades while going non-stop. Hopefully I make it through with grades as good as they were last quarter. For those of you not connected to me via Facebook, my grades were:
Astronomy - B
Astronomy Lab - A
Educational Technology - A
Conversational Spanish - A
Physical Fitness (Nia) - A
I made Dean's List :)
June 18th, started Cub Scout Day camp for my son. I had volunteered to go to camp each day to help get the boys to where they needed to be. We had a lot of fun. I got to hang out with most of the boys that are going to be in the Bear den. Since I'm going to be the leader for this den, I think it was time well spent. I also got to meet each of the parents and get to know them a little bit. Even with the heat and lack of flushing toilets, it was an amazing experience.
We did have a week of down time between camp and our vacation, but it didn't feel like it at all! I was working on my second week of classes (the first with "real" work) and actually ended up having a lot of problems with one of the classes. I had to do two weeks worth of labs in one week. It was crazy.
July 2nd, we left to go spend 8 days with my sister and brother in law in Oregon, Illinois. It was an extremely long drive! We left at 10pm ET and ended up getting caught in a traffic jam about 20 minutes outside of town. I was extremely irritated until I found out there was a fatal car accident that was causing the sheriff's to have to detour traffic off the freeway. I met a few very nice people as we were waiting. We were hanging out outside the car until we got to move. One guy was from Pittsburg, PA. We got moving again sometime between 11:30pm-midnight and arrived at my sister's at 5:30 am CT (6:30 am ET). I was extremely irritated the next day when I was woken up by my Godson's big mouth (my best friend and her family went on the trip too), but I worked very hard to be in a decent mood. I did get to take a nap for about an hour or so, that actually helped a lot. The rest of the time went fast, but we enjoyed fireworks, a couple of outdoor concerts and just family time.
I'm back home now and getting back on track with my diet and exercise. I took workout clothes with me on my trip because we were supposed to go to a Nia class (or some kind of exercise class) while I was there, but the Nia class was cancelled and no one else was really interested in working out. My diet ended up pretty much going out the window. Not to say we didn't have some healthy foods, but there were also some very unhealthy foods..... like cheesecake. Today I bought lunchmeat, light bread, apple slices and some other healthy foods. I'm cooking Honey Mustard Chicken, brown sugar glazed carrots and Betty Crocker Four Cheese potatoes for dinner tonight. It will be nice to have a healthy dinner.
Unfortunately, I think I gained some weight back while I've been on vacation. I'm still taking an Aerobics class for a couple more weeks, but after that I'm going to have to do my own fitness regimen again. I also need to measure myself again. I have some space in my jeans that wasn't there when I bought them. I'm hoping I HAVE actually lost some inches and that the gained weight is partially muscle from the strength training we do in my Aerobics class. I'll update again soon. Sorry I've been away from Spark for so long. I'll admit I went through a period of self doubting during the last BLC because I hit a wall that I haven't been able to get past. For that reason (the way I felt, not the wall), I decided to sit this BLC out and re-evaluate my goals and lifestyle. I'm good to go now and looking forward to seeing some results.
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