Monday, January 07, 2013
I am poised on the brink of some massive family stuff. My mother is turning 80 later this week. And so there will be two parties. It's not that the two sides of the family don't get along or anything like that; it's just that there are WAY too many people. Hence there's just no way we could do a party without it turning into an *affair*, complete with a hall and a caterer and all that other junk.
Therefore, the first will be my mother's side, held at a Chinese buffet near their home, on the 12th. I am taking a train in on the 11th and staying until the 14th. The second will be at my aunt's in NJ, on the 19th. For that one, both Mr. j and I are coming in on the 18th and staying until the 20th.
In the meantime, the number of people staying at my folks' is spiraling out of control. As in, I received an email, asking which couch I preferred. Argh. I would go to a motel, but it just ain't in the budget. And so I flipped a coin and it came up guest bedroom, rather than den.
I suspect I will also be on driving duty. I have been on photo album duty already, which has resulted in pics of mystery babies and forgotten images of their friends from God knows when and holy crap when did your hair look like THAT?
Helpful hint from jes - never, EVER, make it apparent if you're at all good at anything like that. 'Cause you'll be stuck doing it every f'in' time.
But I do it, I do it because I have to, but also because of course I love my mother and I want her to be happy. I haven't got the bucks to give her a trip or a day spa visit or an iPad or whatever. So the album is it. I wrote a sonnet.
In dieting news, this whole trip will be an occasion to try to stay away from really bad foods and squeeze in some form of exercise. Since pretty much no one but me regularly works out, this will be tricky, as this is supposed to be Family Togetherness Time (TM). Hence running off (literally) for an hour every day may not be in the cards. As for walking with someone, er, I'm not so sure I want to do that, either. I'll find a way; I always do. This might involve getting up super-early. Pain in the patoot but otherwise I get no exercise and no alone time and that is not good.
Now, I realize there is very little above about me actually enjoying any of this. I do like seeing my family and all of that. And I haven't seen my cousins in a LONG time (although I keep up with most of them on Facebook, so it's not like I'm completely clueless as to how their lives are currently going). But it just seems so trying.
And, the unspoken bit, the part that nobody mentions, is, we all wonder - is this the last big birthday where all are together? Is this the swan song, the final hurrah? Or is it one in a continuing series, and we'll laugh about how silly and scared we were when she hits 90 or 100? Of course, there's no way for me to know, or for anyone to know, not right now.
And so I will go. And I will grin and bear it, and will try to have my own needs fulfilled as I dovetail them with others' needs and it all gets wrapped up in a pretty little anxiety bow.
That frustrated scream you're hearing from the vague direction of Long Island? That would be me. Enjoy the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Monday, December 31, 2012
I am thinking of Decembers, and of transitions. This is the end of my - no lie - 5th year at Spark. And I am ending it at my heaviest (albeit not by much), even more than at the end of the first year, when I had lost a good 120 or so in 365 days and was feeling incredible and invincible and did not see the bumpy road ahead, despite numerous warnings.
Numbers are ... interesting. But it makes the most sense to look at not only the last measured day of each year, but also at the closest thing I've got to the last day I measured before starting (I didn't start measuring until the end of January of 2008, but cut me a modicum of slack, okay?).
So, yeah, it's not wonderful right now, except of course in comparison to '07. The 20 or so pounds gained every year is troubling. But check out some inch #s.
2010 43.25/43.25 *Note I count them the same since I had surgery to remove an apron of skin
And I look at these #s. While they are not wonderful right now, they're not bad. I find it particularly interesting to compare to the end of 2009, my lowest December. And my inch #s are just, well, they're pretty damned amazing when you consider it's a 53.6 pound gain. Hips are the biggest gain (5 inches). But otherwise, well, there's a reason why I'm still fitting into size Medium tees. And my size below is between a 14 and a 16 (it had been down to 10 at the lowest).
I'm more densely packed. So I'm more muscle-bound, I suppose. It came out yesterday, as I swung a shovel for nearly an hour and got almost half of our rather long driveway cleared of heavy, wet snow. And today I feel fine, ready to tackle the second half.
But what does 2013 hold? And 2014 and beyond?
I will admit it is far, FAR more difficult to get motivated. I see my fellow long-termers struggling, at whatever weight they feel is too much (and half the time, their drop-dead weight is lower than my lowest had been, and I admit to feelings of less than charity at times when I see those numbers and I read those complaints). Many simply drop out, for weeks at a time, or months, perhaps ashamed to post certain #s or maybe it's all too overwhelming and the whole thing is just too depressing and unpleasant.
Dammit, this life business is HARD!!!
And so it is.
What would you say to the end of 2007 you?
I'll tell you one thing I WOULDN'T say to her.
I wouldn't tell her that she'd have a quick glory year and then mire in gains again. I wouldn't tell her that Onederland would be but a fleeting visit.
Because that does no good. And it's not accurate, anyway, for things may change, right?
I'd tell her that she can do this. I'd tell her that it's not easy. I'd tell her that it will be a mixed bag. I'd tell that there will be some regaining. I'd tell her that 50 is a tougher year than 45, but it's probably an easier year than 55 and what does that say about things?
It's funny. We go through our immature periods, and we have little discipline and self-control, and we gain. And then when we get our collective acts in gear and can trust ourselves to be careful with weighing and measuring and counting and the like, our bodies laugh and say - Hey, you shoulda done this earlier.
But until a time machine is invented, this is what we've got. And so, ask yourself, what will my 2017 self say to me?
You're so thin.
Your hair is so dark.
You don't have (so many) crows' feet.
Your skin is softer.
You can do it.
It's not easy.
There will be mixed results.
You will get discouraged about some things, and encouraged about others.
Try to remember the encouraging things more.
Happy new year.
Monday, December 24, 2012
I was thinking this could be an appropriate blog song, plus the quoted lyric is epic.
I know many are not reading. It is family time. It is celebration time. It is a time for letting go, a bit, as we begin to truly let go of the old year. And a lot of us end up letting go of our disciplines as well.
Let us, instead, let go of our anger. Let's kick resentment to the curb. Let's push slights and hurts and grudges away.
And let us leave ourselves with a far more positive essence within.
Perhaps, a case in pernt.
Mr. j and I were talking the other day. And we were describing what he eats for breakfast, versus what I eat. Now, there are days when he eats very healthfully indeed (oatmeal and the like). And there are days when his choices are, let's just say, less than optimal.
Yet he weighs less than me. And he is losing weight this way.
It angered me, truth be told. I wasn't angered at him (it's just his metabolism, after all). Rather, I was angry at the injustice of it all.
I had/have been good. I eat Cheerios and toast! Or I have a veggie omelet made with Pam! And that's just breakfast.
My lunches are usually better (in terms of health) than his are. My dinners are often the same, but when they vary, they are generally better.
I lift weights every damned day. He lifts much less often. He does walk more than I do, and he's faster. But apart from that, what gives?
And then I remembered. Or, rather, he reminded me.
* I am female.
* I am 50 years old.
* There is a history of all sorts of obesity, mainly on my mother's side but also for most of the women on my father's side as well.
* I have only been doing this for just under 5 years, and not over 45, like he has.
* And I am starting from far heavier, even now, and was starting for WAY heavier 5 years ago.
And so I remembered - life isn't fair, but there are still some reasons for the unevenness.
And I also remembered.
* I do the best to take care of myself.
* I walk even though I get discouraged.
* I race even though I am usually last.
* A lack of results is no excuse for screwing up and REALLY having a reason for no results.
Allow me to repeat that little tidbit.
A lack of results is no excuse for screwing up and REALLY having a reason for no results.
I swear, I should tattoo that on my forehead in mirror script.
And yanno what happened last week?
I ate my good breakfasts, and lunches, and dinners. I lifted. I walked. I even took a rare rest day.
And I lost over 7 pounds.
Now, at this stage of things, 7 pounds is generally a good 5 of water and salt. But I will take it gladly, and I will remind myself of what seems to be a universal truth, now and in all seasons -
Life ain't fair. But keep plugging anyway. And don't kick yourself for being imperfect. You are no angel, in your behaviors or your choices or your results.
So instead, you get to settle for being human.
And that's kinda cool.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Couldn't let the end of the world go by without a quick blog entry.
Enjoy Graham Parker.
Monday, December 17, 2012
I gotta apologize for the link, but it's the only recording I can find of that song. But I hate all the talking. Sheesh. Shaddap!! Ahem. Onto the actual blog.
I ran my last 5K of the year yesterday.
It was m'f'in' COLD!
The gun time was my worst time of the year (and my third-worst time, ever; my second-worst time was last year's December run, BTW). But the chip time was far better (a good 4 1/2 minutes less!). And in all fairness, I was wearing many layers, and I was the second-heaviest I've ever been for a race this year. Which is also the second-heaviest I've ever been for any of these races, ever.
This was my 36th race, and my 11th of this year.
I'm a lil tired. But I suppose I'm entitled to be. 11 races felt very much like one too many by the end of it all. I had overbooked as, last year, we had to really scramble to get in our 10th. So we'll see how next year goes. We have already signed up for one in May. We might mix things up slightly, and run for different charities than we did. One of the races this year had an awful parking situation, so we might swap it out for something else. I dunno.
I will also stop taking the food they give us. That was a poor idea. I found myself ravenous and devouring yesterday, and I am paying for it today at weigh-in, big time. Some of it is salt, but I ain't kiddin' myself. I am up 6 (no typo, folks) pounds since last week. Ugly. Aggravating, but not impossible to cure.
So there are downsides to all this racing.
But the positives far outweigh the negatives. I find that racing focuses my work outs in a way that just keeping track of #s never really has. I find I am not necessarily trying for better times but, rather, I try for just doing them. I strive to not feel quite so awful at the end, or the following day. I strive for breaking into a dead run earlier than usual. I strive for jogging when I am supposed to (yesterday, I jogged more than I had been planning to, so I consider that a positive). I ran a good 477 minutes and 12 seconds of 5K races this year.
I came in 5495/5537 overall (I suspect there were far more walkers than that, but that's what they recorded officially, at www.coolrunning.com/results/12/ma/De
c16_Marath_set1.shtml ) and 164/172 for women in our 50s.
And I came in ahead of the rest of the world, yes?
I am the Thundering Fat Girl.
I am the Queen of the Tribe of Last-Place and Near-Last-Place Finishers.
I am the One Who Thumbs Her Nose At Notions of Fitness and Rightness and Propriety.
I am laughing at aging, and making fun of my size 16 body.
I am a warrior.
And I can't wait for March, when the racing season starts up again.
WHO'S WITH ME??!!
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