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Our Thoughts are Traveling Faster

Monday, October 18, 2010

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-C0D0I3ZTY

Gawd, I have not had a great time of it lately when it comes to weight loss.

I have been gaining, mostly. Today, I am up over 5 pounds since last week. Yep. Almost the same weight as April.

Of 2009.

So, that sucks.

Mr. J and I figure at least a part of it is little ice cream cups we've been eating a lot of. While I am still tracking them, they are not doing me any favors. So we'll finish out the last ones (he is, after all, not on a diet) and not buy them again until next Summer. No need now, when it's 40-something degrees in the morning anyway.

And, it's frustrating. Despite little ice cream cups, I HAVE been in calorie and nutrient ranges. I've kept the salt in check. I've gone to the gym twice a week. I've done weight training every morning. I've gotten enough sleep at night. My measurements are meh, could be better, could be worse. So I am not really building muscle with the weight gain.

Nope.

I'm just, for whatever reason, gaining fat.

Lovely.

This is helping to spiral into the thing that I admitted to him yesterday, which I will tell you all as well -- I can feel I am getting depressed again.

So I'm back on St. John's Wort. I don't love medicating myself, and SJW is mild. It's not really a happiness pill. Hard to describe -- you just stop giving a damn about certain details. So that helps. You just let some things go. And, by the way, I've been through therapy before. Not interested in it this time around.

And I am well aware that losing weight does not bring happiness, per se. I understand that a size does not define my mood. It does not define ME.

But it's still hard to be on this end of things.

It's not like I've never gained weight before. It's not like I've never gained seemingly inexplicable weight before, either. But it doesn't really get any easier. It continues to suck.

Another thing, though, I know, is that this time of year (which prompted the first song on the video, and then the second one fit in rather nicely, so I went with both) is a transition and I don't love transitions. I have patience for a lot of things, but transitions tend to take a lot out of me. And weight loss is one big, fat (heh) transition. I just want it to be over with already, and it's not.

Some of it feels (and this is absurd, but it's the truth) like it's unfair. After all, I was doing my thing, then I relaxed, then the old scale broke way earlier than I knew, and I was lured into a trap of too much food, not enough exercise, and then the evil was done and I was 40 pounds up and now I'm approaching fifty up from where I thought I was, even though the reality is that I'm probably more like twenty up.

But, ha, that's stupid.

No other really good word for it. It was a scale, a piece of equipment. It didn't define me, and neither does the new one. And it does not decide whether I eat more, or worse foods, or exercise less. Only I decide THAT.

So, one other thing Mr J and I also decided is that there is an aspect of work that is giving me stress. Not the robotics company. There's a much smaller company that I also blog for. And, while I am more reliably paid there, I just don't like it. It does not interest me, and it splits my focus too much. It is a chore to do it, and now the guy from there wants to talk long-term strategy and I just plain feel trapped. So I am going to draw that one to a close. I don't really get a lot of $$ from it and it's not worth the dissatisfaction. Plus I suspect that the robotics company is going to be going places, and soon. I'd have to quit the other place, anyway. Hence I may as well ditch this company. I barely make enough to cover my gasoline expenses. It's not worth how trapped and stressed I feel.

I don't know where all of this is going to lead, and that's a real chore when I am feeling like this and stuck in the middle of a transition. I hate not knowing, hate feeling out of control and lost. And I don't even know what's good for me. Tough love? Sympathy? Helfino.

I do value honesty.

My body has not caught up with my brain or my wishes. The company where I work has not caught up to my hopes and dreams, not yet.

Dammit I hate transitions.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWIFTSEATURTLE 10/22/2010 4:47PM

    Sorry this transition is tough. I've been through major depression - I lost weight because I had no appetite. When I came out of the depression, it was Halloween 2008, and some character marshmallow lollipops were the first thing I had to eat that I remember liking, in about 2 years. Since I weighed less than I had in 5-8 years, I didn't reign in the appetite for the candy.

Over 40 lbs. later, it's still candy that's my biggest problem.

I read your post looking for a coleader on the Quirk team. Nobody is quirky enough for the spot, I guess.

I hope life smooths out for you soon!

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STRINGS58 10/20/2010 6:44AM

    My therapist brain kicked in wondering if there was a seasonal issue, if there was something other than weight, but you may have hit on it, the disempowerment. You depression may be a clue that you've had as much unhappy as you really want to handle. Transitions are. If we don't transition, we lose important parts of the process. I don't know if you can entertain yourself creatively while going through a transition. I think you're on to something with the music though, a but there's my bias: my undergrad degree is in Music Therapy!!!

I hope you get to jiggle and jive to some good music several times a day while you deal with the culprits of your feelings and weight gain. You have been a powerful influence on your body, and you've been through suckier transitions (I 'met' you when you were going through surgery recovery!). Here's to a great day! emoticon

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LBEEKMA 10/19/2010 10:25PM

    Good for you for being willing to break free from time consuming/stressful situations that offer little return. I hope letting go helps. I really believe that weightloss is 90% in our heads. Don't let that 5 lbs. get to you. You will recoup. We're here for you!

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 10/19/2010 4:35PM

    You gave me an idea. Why not compete with my 2009 self to get back down to goal? So I'm doing it. Here's the blog about it. :-)

http://www.sparkpeople.c
om/mypage_public_journal_indivi
dual.asp?blog_id=3723355

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DDOORN 10/18/2010 10:33PM

    Keep putting it out there, somewhere ideas will come, feelings will be felt that help you to pull through...!

Don

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CAROLISCIOUS 10/18/2010 7:16PM

    I took a gander at your tracker to see if I saw anything out of line. What's you SP calorie range? Most days you are 1700 or higher. SP gives me 1200-1550.

I think I asked you this before, but do you use an HRM? Your are certainly showing plenty of calorie burn. Just wondering if it's per SPs calculations or an HRM. I strongly recommend an HRM.

So sorry you got the blues...but glad you are taking action. We will get through this...

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MADZIE 10/18/2010 5:27PM

  Ahhh Jes, I feel for you. It must be the time of year. Many of us are feeling the same. You are still keeping up with the exercise, which is GREAT!!! Hang in there! Oh, what's with all the ads I see saying 3 servings of dairy a day help with losing weight? Doesn't this mean 3 bowls of ice cream? : ) Don't we wish!

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KSGROTHE 10/18/2010 2:48PM

    Sorry to hear that you're struggling a bit right now. Hopefully your plan to quit the stressful job will help. emoticon

I, too, am struggling to keep from falling into a depression. I'm not in transition at work yet, more like limbo until I find something to transition into. Bleh!

Hang in there! I know you can get back on track!

- Karen

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 10/18/2010 12:07PM

    Maintenance is a biyatch. It gets old. Real old.

And it doesn't help when the devices we use to help monitor ourselves fail.

I'm up too, since March. I'm almost where I was exactly a year ago, weight-wise. It's because I abandoned my routines using the excuse of all the kayaking and training for the triathlon, etc. Now I'm going back to the regime I had last year.

I know I can get back down to where I want to be - I did it once before. So now I need to do it again. Perhaps it'll help to have a contest with my last-year self, LOL

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FIT_TERI 10/18/2010 11:15AM

    Very little is worth feeling stressed and trapped over, IMO. I hope making the job change makes things a lot better for you. I don't like transitions either, but I do like what VEEJAY3 said about looking at it as a journey. I may "steal" that one.

I'm so glad that you have someone to work through your feelings and devise a plan of attack with. Sounds like Mr J is always there for that. I have that too. I suspect we also both *are* that person, when we need to be. It's an important tool in your arsenal that not everyone has.

And, of course, you have all of us.
emoticon

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TELERIE 10/18/2010 11:13AM

    Hey, it must be going around SP - you're writing MY blog for me!
I'm also a bit up and weigh what I did last Christmas. Also trying to stay upbeat while it feels like my whole world is in transition and limbo and whatnot. We keep on re-structuring things at work & I sincerely wish we were closer to the finish line on that front at work but I don't envision anything like normal state until 2012 and I don't know it I can last that long here...
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, I am here for you and we CAN do it. We are AWARE and ACTIVE, which I wasn't when I lived in Denial and Depression. THAT's a big fat (heh) change.
BIG hug!

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VEEJAY3 10/18/2010 10:56AM

    Me too, me too, me too.
Thanks for writing my blog for me! haha. I realized yesterday that I'm now the same weight I was in January. Of 2007!!!! SUX. I'm blaming my thyroid problems -- for both the weight gain and the "Debbie Downer" personna. Which is true enough: a lack of thyroid function DOES cause both of those things. But I guess the further truth is ... even though it's HARDER now, it's still POSSIBLE to lose. Which leaves me without a handy scapegoat.

All of which to say ... can you think of it as a journey instead of a transition? Just a different label, but sometimes that helps! I feel like I've just taken a side road, instead of staying on the highway, and it cost me some downtime, but I saw some interesting things along the way that I would have missed if I would have buzzed straight to success.

Helfino how to get out of MY rut, either. I'm tryin'. Just so's yanno someone's fightin' it out with ya.
emoticon

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MRSTOWNS62610 10/18/2010 10:31AM

    Hey Jespah, I'm sorry that you are feeling so down in the dumps. But as I was reading, I couldn't help but wonder if some of your weight gain is actually muscle gain due to your daily strength training...despite the measurements. I think quitting the other blog could be a good idea and I hope things turn up for you real soon. Be sure to let me know if you need anything. :-)
Send many happy and skinny vibes your way!

-Lana

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MS.ELENI 10/18/2010 10:20AM

    I love the way you use what i call self talk. i talk to myself a lot too. I listen to myself better than I listen to others. Quitting the other job sounds like a smart move.
I can surely relate to gaining weight back. I am now in process of relosing myself and it is depressing . It is a sense of disappointment in ourselves. But you will get it off.No more Beat-Ups.Just Get Ups. emoticon

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QUEENOTHEFOREST 10/18/2010 10:07AM

    You really do nail things don't you? Right on again. Honesty is primo. Good for you. I am fessing up to you that I have been back to the night time ice cream again. No mystery about why I regained weight I worked hard to lose. And I am going to try to be done with it like you. I want to feel good again.

Depression is danged dangerous. You are right to get on it with what ever works for you. Exercise is what cures it for me. And I am going to do that too.

And it sounds like you have made a sound choice about the jobs. It is just not possible to summon up good energy for the new startup when you are distracted and drained.

You are going to be ok girl. You know what you have to do. I am one of your greatest admirers. You have honesty and learning from mistakes made in the past. What a powerful tonic you have given me today. It is a good journey and I am glad you pave a way for me and so many of us.




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Say the Devil is My Savior, But I Don't Pay No Heed

Monday, October 11, 2010

www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVcD5NoNoFM

Okay, that title is sure to alarm some Sparkers out there. That amuses me.

Anyway, a few things.

I went to NYC over the weekend. Now, I despise NYC. It's not that I don't like cities. I love Boston. I love Providence, I love Philly and Wilmington (DE), too. I love Charlotte. I like DC (not love). Hartford and New Haven are okay. Honolulu is meh (although the scenery is a delight). San Francisco is glorious. LA is fair to middling. Both Portlands are good. Seattle is great.

But I really and truly cannot stand NYC. It's possibly the combination of overly crowded streets, arrogant natives (I'm married to a native, BTW, and he doesn't like NYC, either) and a lack of basic services for any kind of a price or convenience level that approaches reason.

Anyway, enough of that.

Mr. J and I went for a gathering of people from the website we manage. And we had a ball. It's interesting, though, seeing people in their (semi-) natural habitat and not only interacting with them but also observing how they are when it comes to food and exercise.

Gatherings, of course, centerpiece around food and drink.

I had a grilled chicken sandwich. The woman sitting near me is a vegetarian so she ended up having a plain omelet. My husband had a pastrami on rye but he has those less than once per year. Our guest of honor had chicken soup and barely had a quarter of what was served (I don't think she realized how large the order would be). This was, of course, a kosher deli. As in, truly kosher, meat-style. No cream, no milk, no cheese and God knows no shellfish.

Those were the more or less healthy choices (oh and two guys did split a larger pastrami sandwich so I suppose that counts as healthy-esque, and another ate half and got the other half to go). Knishes (for those who do not know what knishes are, they are dough pockets filled with meat, buckwheat or potato -- most were potato though I did see one that was kreplach, which is ground beef), sour salty pickles, piled high sandwiches which were finished. One guy goy a turkey leg that looked like it came from a pterodactyl, it was so huge. He also got the only green vegetable -- broccoli -- which he promptly slathered with mayonnaise. Oof.

Walking? We actually walked a lot. Well, most of us did. Mayo and broccoli man left early and took a cab back to, er, somewhere. Three others took a cab to the next place although, in all fairness, one is asthmatic (but also a smoker. Huh?) so the other two kept her company. The rest of us hoofed it. And fast, too.

The leader of the pack was walking very, very fast. He was one of the half sandwich guys. He was a little hard to keep up with.

He's 74.

Yes, you read that right.

He is 74.

Now, we did even more walking later and after a while he finally said he really could not do any more. Understandable, but we had already walked a good four miles together!

I walked a total of five miles that day, all in about two hours or so. I came back to my inlaws' apartment exhausted but glad I'd done all of that walking.

And, it paid off, with the first loss since we got the new scale. I am almost back to what I was when we replaced the old scale! So, yay me!

Earlier that week, I had gone to the gym twice, which also helped.

So, to review: two trips to the gym during the week. Humongous walking on the weekend. Careful food choices all around. Water, of course. Enough sleep. Did my best to balance nutrients and not overdo it on the salt, despite what was around me. Plus fun and fellowship with good friends.

Result: 3.8 pounds off, almost three years after I started doing all of this. And a helluva great example in the 74-year-old. I suspect the guy with broccoli and mayo is a good 5 - 10 years younger but looks older.

This stuff, dear friends, this diet, this exercise, the water, the watching, the life -- it is not just for losing weight. Losing weight is an intended consequence, to be sure. But it's actually only a peripheral. The real prize is getting to 74 and being in totally freakin' awesome shape. It's in outrunning/outwalking people who are as young as less than half your age. It is in not being on oxygen. It is in not using a cane or a walker. It is in getting there and ruling your 74-year-old (or older!) roost.

We are all gonna die.

I know, I know, that is no great shock to anyone, or at least it shouldn't be. And some of us will be hit by buses and the like. But for those who make it past accidents and suicide and HIV and warfare and murder to our elder years, to the years that are eventually eclipsed by strokes, heart attacks, broken hips, cancer and, sadly, Alzheimer's, the best thing we can do for ourselves NOW is to put those days off as long as possible.

There are three stages of being old. Young old, middle old, and old old. Young old are vigorous and alive. My 74-year-old pal. My father. Middle old are slowing down. Grabbing canes and walkers. May have had cancer or strokes. Old old need more active care and may be close to bedridden. These definitions overlap and are not set in concrete. When I was a child, my father's mother was old old, never really younger than middle old. Wanna know how old she was, by the calendar, when I was born?

58.

Yep. And she'd already resigned herself to the end, her fate. Oh, poor her. Oh, the suffering.

She lived another 22 years but never seemed to be truly happy or pain-free.

My father will be 80 next year.

He still walks faster than I do, and I'm pretty damned fast these days.

So I ask you.

Which one do YOU want to be?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 10/17/2010 3:37PM

    According to the calendar I am 47 but I feel 80 some days! I am hoping by years end I feel 70, lol

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VEEJAY3 10/16/2010 10:25AM

    Wow, Jespah! Am I ever glad I found this blog!!! I'm at that age (54) where for the first time ever, things are starting to poke me (54). Just the little teeny tiny things that go wrong that you never ever experienced before, and a little more often than you'd like. Normal stuff. But it's exactly that time in life to redouble efforts towards health so that you stay on top of things.

We have a great family friend who is a robust, vibrant, healthy 78. Swims a mile a day. He's great inspiration. (And we also have people in the family who started being "old" way too early.)

Thanks for this reminder to rise to the occasion of aging!

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QUEENOTHEFOREST 10/15/2010 9:25PM

    Oh Gosh I almost missed this wonderful blog. You put down here what I strongly believe. That is that we can build the quality of life. It simply is correct that for many of us and I want to be in this pack, 70 is the new 60 or even 55. Or better. Barring all those things you listed the fitter we are the higher the quality of life we can have. And even some of the things on your list can probably be improved by good nutrition and exercise.

I met an old fellow (late 80's) at the Y a few months ago who works out every day and is amazing. Just amazing.

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 10/12/2010 4:02PM

    Dude. I'm turning 45 next month according to the calendar, but most of the time I feel like I'm in my 20s. Especially while kayaking! LOL

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KSGROTHE 10/11/2010 4:54PM

    Great blog! I love the title you chose! emoticon

It sounds like you did very well on maintaining your healthy lifestyle on your trip to NYC! emoticon on your weight loss!

Keep up the good work, and I have no doubt you'll be healthy in your old age! emoticon

- Karen

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MS.ELENI 10/11/2010 2:50PM

    You always come up with the darndest blogs.Always interesting. emoticon

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KMBERLY817 10/11/2010 12:49PM

    This is a truly inspirational story and life lesson. Thank you sooo much for sharing it. emoticon

emoticon on the loss!!!

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CAROLISCIOUS 10/11/2010 11:47AM

    Great blog JES, and great reminder of the real reason we stick with this. You did great. I'm really proud of you!

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DDOORN 10/11/2010 11:35AM

    Recently I bought a book I just LOVED!

Bike For LIFE! How to Bike a 100 when you're 100!

Here's their website (check out their gallery of photos since 1979!):

http://www.bikeforli
febook.com/homepage.asp


There are some AWESOME interviews of fellows who are knocking down MILES & MILES on their bikes at 90+ years of age!

On my first century bike ride a few weeks ago there was an 85 year old massage therapist, steadily pedaling along on her single-speed bike with a wicker basket nestled into the handlebars.

I told her she was my HERO! She gave some of the cyclists massages at the rest stops...wonderful lady! She allowed me to take photos which I included in my blog:

http://www.sparkpeople
.com/mypage_public_journal_indi
vidual.asp?blog_id=3675577

I ABSOLUTELY plan to be as vibrant and active as possible right up to my final day! Woo hoo!

Don

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I was a Short Fuse, Burning all the Time

Monday, October 04, 2010

www.dailymotion.com/video/x7z1tj_new
-order-regret_music


I have been thinking lately about anger.

Anger at myself. Anger at others.

I spent -- hell, I wasted -- many, many years being an angry person.

I don't show it online, never really have. Perhaps it was the combination of knowing that it would be more or less permanent, along with the fact that the written word can have some reasoned delay behind it. Plus I'm such a nitpicky speller much of the time, so I look over most long posts (including this one). I have a chance to think things over, so the fuse is lengthened and I don't explode as much or at least I tend to temper it with some reason. I often read long posts out loud (not in public of course). Does it sound conversational? Then go. Nasty? Then put on the brakes, regroup and rewrite.

My brother and I did not get along for the longest time, and it is still a struggle, at least on my end, to assure that we do. There is nothing wrong or very little wrong with what he says or does. I know that it is me. I am too impatient. And, we are different. We grew up apart (although we lived in the same home), uninterested in one another's lives. We are now geographically apart and still not too interested but we try. I know of people who contact their siblings -- even of the other gender -- on a weekly basis or more frequently. With my brother and me, if less than a month goes between phone calls or emails, that's amazing. And usually if there is an email, it is him sending me something work-related. There are few personal or family-related things but, we are different. I have no children. I am really not religious at all. I work wacky freelance. He has a steady job, a wife and son. He's Treasurer (maybe he still is -- or maybe he isn't any more; I truly do not know) of his synagogue. He knows all the holidays. Me? I remember if I remember to look them up. Maybe I should set a reminder for myself.

And then there are our parents, who have to navigate our disparate personalities. I was rather PO'd at them last week. They came up and through a combination of bad luck and inertia, ended up staying here, even as we explicitly kept telling them -- the house is a godawful disaster area. But it all falls into a particular place and I bite my lip and pretend like it's all hunky dory for this to be happening even though, inside, I am seething.

And yeah, this is online, and somewhat permanent, and yes, I've put THAT out there.

But, yeah, I was PO'd.

See, anger isn't an awful thing, not if it's wielded with some discretion and, dare I say it, grace. There is nothing wrong with being angry. It is as valid an emotion as happiness. In fact, they are all valid emotions, and I get ticked off when I see people so hell-bent on everyone drinking the happiness Kool-Aid that they will push everyone to smile, smile, smile even when life is just not dictating that.

I well recall a funeral. This was over fifteen years ago. My great-aunt was telling the fresh, new widower, oh, just, you'll feel better soon. Well, no. He didn't. And while I think mourning for a decade and a half is excessive (and he isn't), if you can't feel sad at a funeral, when the hell CAN you?

And if you can't feel angry when you've been wronged or hurt or slighted or ignored or trampled on, when the hell CAN you?

I think fuses that are super-duper long get trampled on. I am not saying to walk around every day with a chip on your shoulder. I am not saying to alienate the people you love, or engage in violence or get yourself fired or arrested.

What I am saying is: give yourself permission to be angry. Permission to be sad. Permission to not get along with everyone. Permission to not always see things someone else's way.

A big part of this journey is seeing, and understanding, your own value. The wealth that is YOU. And that wealth comes with things that are sometimes not so nice. And they are as real and as important and valid as the things that are nice. You have to let those in, too.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LBEEKMA 10/6/2010 11:33PM

    So real! I, too, have found that putting how I feel on paper just helps...and isn't nearly as toxic to me (and those around me). You have to have a place to let everything out so you can let it go. I say, "Be angry!" and then you can be freed (somewhat) from it.

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BAGGYPANTS5 10/6/2010 5:18PM

    Great blog. Rang a lot of bells with me, too.
emoticon

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HAPPYWRITER7 10/5/2010 5:58PM

    It's so nice to see you, fel like it's been forever. You really hit so many nails on the head here, I cant even begin to explain. Just recently Ive been fighting with myself about how angry I can get, and I had just give up and wondered what was wrong with me, but Im going to give myself pemission to be angry and then let it go. Sometimes the problem is not my own at all and I have every right to feel the way I do!

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TELERIE 10/5/2010 5:41PM

    I've missed your blogs! Lost the subscription!! Back on now!
And you're so right! I think many of us have bottled up those "negative" feelings for too long and eaten our way out of them instead. It's important to acknowledge the feelings we have and be accepting. They're part of life and living.
By bottling up every negative feeling it's too easy to wallow in them and get sunk in anger or frustration. By allowing our emotions some room it's easier to just move on.
Food for thought here for sure!

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NOLAZYBUTT110 10/5/2010 2:53PM

    Yes its okay to cry ay funerals and get angry, but....dont stay there! We all have issues and some we can talk about, others we should just let them wash off our shoulders alone. Talking about it or writing does help! Hope it helped you. susan

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MARCHMAID 10/5/2010 8:35AM

    I used to be angry more than I am now. Takes too much energy usually. But I hear you. Mostly I get angry at the stupidity of people in the public arena, but often, personally, my strongest emotion is disappointment.

Thoughtful interesting blog--will think on it.

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QUEENOTHEFOREST 10/5/2010 8:13AM

    Good stuff here. I really dislike feeling badly (anger qualifies with me as a "bad" feeling ie uncomfortable, draining, dark etc) though sometimes I just have to get through it and there are no short cuts. I have tried to short cut feelings with binge eating. It is a huge temptation. Then I get stuck in that phase and can't climb out and it does nothing for the original bad feelings. Most recently last week over sadness not anger, same binge, same result. It is also true for me that if I feel bad I can usually help myself with exercise. Going to that instead of to food is a major internal battle. I have not really thought about this so clearly before. When anger festers for a while it can become resentment. One of my favorite sayings is resentment against someone is like letting that person live rent free in your head. Yep. Thanks for the blog.

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AESOPSREED 10/5/2010 3:17AM

  I'm with you on this 100%. emoticon

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DDOORN 10/4/2010 11:26PM

    Don't know about others, but a big part of my weight was all about stuffing those feelings...*especially* anger! Still not as open with anger as I would like to be, but better...!

Don

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CAROLISCIOUS 10/4/2010 7:24PM

    Well said JES. I'm keep my emotions inside way too much. It never goes well when I express them outwardly. People around me take it personally...and that's not my intention at all. I just want to, need to, express my feelings...and have others just be okay with it.

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KSGROTHE 10/4/2010 6:28PM

    I know what you mean about giving yourself permission to be angry or sad. I spent many years bottling those emotions up, and I ended up fat and divorced. He knew I was unhappy even if I didn't express it much. It was a waste of time to bottle it up and let it fester all those years.

When he left, I was overwhelmed by the emotions, the sadness and the anger especially. I cried a lot, more than I had during the dozen years we were married. I felt like I was out of control, but once I allowed those feelings out, I found I could feel a greater level of joy sometimes, a level I hadn't felt in years.

There's still a balancing act with the emotions. I want to be a positive person, and anger and sadness do not fit my view of a positive person, of course. And I have to be careful about the negative voice in my head that turn the anger inward on myself. That voice often leads me off track from the healthy lifestyle I'm striving to live.

emoticon for sharing your thoughts! You have written a thought-provoking blog as usual!

- Karen

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MADZIE 10/4/2010 2:17PM

  Well said!! It's not good to hold anger inside. It's important to validate our feelings and express them in a way that gets our point across and of course, no one gets physically hurt!!

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CHESAKAT41 10/4/2010 10:38AM

    Anger is an emotion out of control. Since I have become a follower of Joel Osteen a lot of those emotions have gone away. I am in control and a lot happier I have become...
emoticon

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MS.ELENI 10/4/2010 10:36AM

    I like this. i have always felt fortunate that if i do get angry I never stay angry. I say what i am thinking and then I am over it. And there is nothing wrong with being sad as long as it isn't long term. I have days when I have my own little pity party but one day is more than enough.

Sending some smiles your way so you can
Catch a smile - be part the SMILE of EPIDEMIC!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon



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250STRONG 10/4/2010 9:40AM

    Very well said. I think it's great to feel what we feel. And (most of the time) express it (with grace).

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Bargain Buildings, Weights and Pullies

Monday, September 27, 2010

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVx3Qv1Q6PU

You would think that, at age 48, there would be little for me to learn about my body. But there still is.

Last Friday, I went into the office. Now, ya gotta understand, the "office" is incubator space in Worcester. Cheap, cheap, cheap. As in $100/month. Of course you get what you pay for. But we are a startup. There is no money.

Hence we have electricity, and HVAC, and lights and a lock on the door. And, quite literally, that is it.

Spent the time moving furniture in. Desks and chairs being thrown out by WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute, the alma mater of everyone in the company but me), whiteboards, er, "found" somewhere, a few bits bought at Ikea.

The floor is a godawful mess of less than perfectly smoothed concrete. There are a few interesting small holes in the floor (note to self: do not drop pens, paper clips or the like. Ever.). There is a small separate room which we are calling the kitchen although there is no water source. But the fridge (it reeks of bleach, which is better than when it earlier reeked of old takeout) and coffee maker (I donated that) are in there. Plus every kind of tea known to mankind (another donation by me) but no way to boil water except to run it through the coffee maker, which I hope still works.

Finally got everything in and more or less to our liking, then we spent time straightening, cleaning. They had me taking apart small robotic arms (lots of fine detail work) and sorting the screws and nuts and servos that go in there. Little motors about the width of two fingers and the length of two finger joints. I put up my Wegman calendar. We (mostly) cleared the conference table of robot parts. Soldering station is up and ready. About the only thing we don't have (and will need to continue borrowing from the school) is a laser cutter.

And then it was 3 so it ended up being lunchtime. Pizza. Oof. At least they got me a veggie one. I had the equivalent of 2 large slices. Plus diet Gatorade. Frankly, I have eaten better in my life but, like I said, we have no money.

Next day, I felt awful, like I was hung over a thousand times. Foggy head. Arms hurting. Huh, what?

I am thinking the combo of pizza plus salt (Gatorade) plus too much caffeine (we had coffee in the morning) plus different exercises than usual did it to me. It took a couple of days for that all to purge out. This morning, I feel great although I am up a coupla pounds. But that's fine -- it was a salty week. I figure the weight will be off in a week or so.

But it is telling me -- eating like a 25-year-old is something I truly cannot do any longer. I need to insist on a salad of some sort. I know, I know, there is no money. Then I need to chip in for it. Because this is absurd. It should not take me three days to recover, and not just from lifting and hauling (which, fortunately, we're done with for now). So I need to position myself better. Another thing I want to do is find an area nearby where I can walk or run safely. Probably the school is my best bet. There are a lot of hills -- some are truly substantial -- so that will be good for me.

And that brings me to two things we did that were not moving stuff. One was, heh, a coworker has a remote controlled helicopter. So he christened the space and flew the 'copter around a bit. Very amusing lil toy. We're going to play with it, see if we can get it to work with the thing we make. That should be a fun project.

The other thing was, we started talking about The Robot Run.

The what?

I have run about a dozen 5Ks by now. And I love them! So I checked around in Worcester to find one I could run there. And ... nothing. There are only two 5Ks in a year over there. Then I talked to the guy who puts them on in my area. He gave me an idea on price and what it all entails. And -- remember, we have no money -- we could potentially actually make some $$ on the deal.

So my idea (which my colleagues like, but we need more info) is for the company to put on a 5K. It would have to be in April, September, October or November in order to get the students in, but while the weather is decent and before Final exams. Of course we'd call it The Robot Run because we're a robotics company. We'd need to get sponsors and whatnot. I cannot guarantee that we would do it but I think it would be a blast. This would be -- eep -- my project.

So -- just to throw it out there -- would anyone wanna come to Worcester, Mass. and run a 5K next year? I can promise you major, massive amounts of quirkiness/geekiness. Helfino what the prizes will be. We will think of something (remember, we have access to a laser cutter).

Whaddaya say?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAB-LOVER 10/14/2010 9:43PM

    Yes Yes!
How about April? The Robot Rabbit Run!


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TELERIE 10/5/2010 5:47PM

    Oh my, I really really wish I could afford to come to do that 5K if you get it off the ground!
P.S. Pack some lunch and you're all set without pizza!

Comment edited on: 10/5/2010 5:48:09 PM

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TRACYZABELLE 10/1/2010 4:26AM

    **Note to self-- put carpet under feet so you can maintain comfort!

Also a chair mat would not hurt-- or maybe a tossed out refrigerator box you can cut to size, lol!

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DDOORN 9/28/2010 11:21PM

    Been getting other invites...not a runner, esp. 5K variety...but jeez you runner-types seem to have such BOATLOADS of fun...!

I'm just so partial to my bike...check out my latest blog: reached a TERRIFIC milestone!

Don

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CAROLISCIOUS 9/28/2010 10:18PM

    Hmmmm...can't say yes or no. It's quite a long way for me. I'm sure I can be there in spirit, though!

I always feel awful after a salty meal.

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QUEENOTHEFOREST 9/28/2010 9:17AM

    I'll be there in a New York minute. How bout that?

I am most interested in your pizza hangover. I think my own recent bug was food related. Not tainted. Just too rich and too much and sugar too. I had a couple of days of binge and I felt miserable on Sunday. And I also put on a few pounds. last week. Who knew? The worst was the sluggishness and the lack of energy. Again. Who knew? Anyhow. A lesson learned. Back to the gym. Is there a gym near your office?

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WOLFKITTY 9/28/2010 2:21AM

    LOL, I don't think I can afford the ticket.

But that sounds really great!! I love it!
And thanks for the tales of your new office.
(Oy! Sodium got me this weekend, too. I accidentally consumed a Panera sandwich that had all the sodium I needed for the day, plus a little more. Ate out the rest of the day to get just over 3x the normal limit of sodium.)

HUGS!
Jocelyn

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MARCHMAID 9/27/2010 7:43PM

    We've got a great 5k for Farmland in Hadley on October 17. . . check kestreltrust.org (shameless plug)

By now I'm sure this has occurred to you, but why not pack a lunch? A salad, you know how. . .

Sounds like fun and work and a challenge on multiple levels. Good on ya.

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KSGROTHE 9/27/2010 1:41PM

    It sounds like you have a very interesting life right now! emoticon

I can't help you out with planning a 5K, and since I don't run (yet) and live all the way across the country, I doubt I would be able to come participate. But I'm rooting for you and your little startup! emoticon

Keep up the good work planning and learning both about the job and about your body! emoticon

- Karen

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JAREJIL 9/27/2010 12:35PM

    What great ideas !! I look forward to hearing more of this journey!

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ONECOOKIETWO 9/27/2010 12:03PM

    Hey Jes,
This sounds fun. I am going to be in Boston in mid November this year. Any chance you could arrange your 5K in a coupla months? Not so much? Didn't think so. I do wish you major good luck on the fundraising, better luck on getting your biz off the ground, and best luck in the continuing journey toward the perfect life (a lifetime journey, or course).
Yer bud and distant admirer,
emoticon

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DMPRIDER 9/27/2010 10:23AM

    Hi JES, just want to say first that I've been reading your blog regularly, I just haven't been commenting much. I love reading about your adventures with your start up.

I live near Worcester and my hubby and I will totally come to your Robot Run. Hubby is a geek too and I'm a science nerd so your company's slant to it will be a bonus. We really enjoyed our race experience yesterday and want to do it again.

Also, just to let you know, according to this site:
http://www.cmsrun.org/52_wk/52w
k_2010/1_list2010.htm
there are 5K races in Worcester every week.

Good luck!

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MS.ELENI 9/27/2010 10:10AM

    I see you are busy as usual. If I was able to run I would come join you for the run emoticon Ok I am lying. But I would be one at finish line cheering for you.
I do hope your job starts paying off for you.Seems like more work for no return right now.

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NOLAZYBUTT110 9/27/2010 9:58AM

    why not sell mini robots? Or have the winner win a Robot......who ever runs the 5K the fastest? That would get a lot of geeks interested. Or why not get people to donate their own phones and other junk.... things you can rewire or recycle to make a robot?

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Hey, Letís Go All Over the World

Monday, September 20, 2010

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyDT8
28gmFc


So, like, what's new?

Me, oh nothing. Just a thirty-seven pound increase. In one week.

Huh? That's impossible.

Yeah, oops, you're right. It was actually 37.6 pounds.

Huh? So, er, jes, are ya pregnant? You know, with the World's Fastest-Growing Mutant Super Alien Ninja Baby?

Uh, nope.

So you had surgery and they put hardware in? Artificial leg, perhaps?

Nah.

Incredible, Guinness Book of World Records-worthy parasitic infection?

No.

Is it -- uh -- really possible to gain that much in a week? Like, lard cake for every meal, all week long?

No way. A pound is 3,500 calories, my metabolic rate is something like 2,000/day, so just to gain seven pounds in a week is to eat 5,500 calories/day, every day, with no working out whatsoever, and this is over five times that. Hence I'd probably have precipitated a heart attack by Thursday or so.

So what is it?

It's a new scale.

Yes, the old one was THAT bad.

It was lying, lying, lying to me even as my 5K times declined, and even as my clothes started to give me a hard time. And, looking at my measurements, they are comparable to when I was last between 195 and 205 pounds. I am certain that this one is accurate.

So I was never in the 170s, and God knows I was never in the 160s, although I definitely hit the 190s and may very well have hit the 180s. There was a slide, but it was not as huge a skid as the numbers would imply.

And it also got me thinking (and you know that's dangerous). If I can put out there, for the world to see, this crazy super mutant ninja weight "gain" (or difference, or correction, if you prefer those words), then surely every moment of shared intimacy is all right. I suspect, at some point, you will all yell "TMI!" at me. But until you do, my life to you is an open book.

Of course I have privacy. I have secrets and hidden things, just like everyone else. And I try to respect others' privacy (particularly my family's). But me you can get.

Am I disappointed? Only slightly. I love seeing happy, pretty numbers as much as anyone else does, I won't lie. But they are merely numbers.

S'funny.

Today's number is comparable to, I kid you not, late April of 2009. And what has happened since then? I've run, what, 11 5Ks. I've pushed myself into a new job and industry that I love. I've made friends. I've had surgery. I've blogged my head off.

Pretty numbers, ugly numbers. Heh, it's all good, dawg. Like I said in the most recent vlog, I'm catching myself before things become truly dire. I am righting the ship. I am going back to basics. I never stopped tracking, I never stopped drinking the water and I never stopped weight training, but I have been slacking off in the cardio department and I haven't been getting enough sleep. Both of those things are on my fix-it agenda. And I'm carrying all of you along with me, too (see, I toldja I do strength training).

Come along, my Super Mutant Ninja Rock and Roll friends. There are more and newer and better places to go, more than have been dreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio.

Hey, let's go all over the world.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAYGEEBEE12 9/24/2010 8:50AM

    Wow -- now you got me thinking... I have hated our digital scale since the day my husband bought it a couple of years ago. You program it with your age and height, and it calculates your % of body fat or something-or-other, and saves your last 5 readings. I have never trusted it, especially since I am bottom heavy so it thinks I am 43% body fat. My daughter and I have never been convinced that it was accurate. I miss the old-fashioned needle type. And now, after reading this -- I think I am going to buy a new old-fashioned one. I wonder what I REALLY weigh.....

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DDOORN 9/22/2010 6:54AM

    Whew...what a cold shower...! But hey, you're rolling with it...they are just numbers and hardly can quantify all of the AWESOME transformations you've brought yourself!

Sounds like you already KNOW that and are moving right ahead to nail yet MORE satisfying ground! :-)

Don

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TRACYZABELLE 9/22/2010 4:27AM

    Damn that metal monster! Grrrrrrrrrrr

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WOLFKITTY 9/21/2010 11:47PM

    Aha!! Awesome. You always have had a great attitude! I just realized that I wasn't getting announcements about your blogs, so I missed a BUNCH! Geez.

I'm here with ya. Let's rock on!
Jocelyn

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NOLAZYBUTT110 9/21/2010 2:46PM

    I would not worry, its more than likely fat turned to MUSCLE! And you will find that happens. You may think you lost because your inches show it, but the weight scale alway seems to lie. Mien does to! Digital scales have a way of making you seem fatter. But with all those K's you waked or ran, ist mroe than likely muscle and muscle alway weights mroe than FAT! So ignore the numbers and check your measurements. I will bet your leg muscles are bigger~~ wave it off. You alway put on muscle just before you start seeinga drop in pounds! Dont let it get to you! Just tell yourself its MUSCLE and smile it off! I am sure within a certain amount of days or weeks you will discover I am right! Being more muscular means you may increase yoru weight but sooner or later the numbers will go down. THINK MUSCLE not fat! Go for a walk and shrug it off! (I ahd a scale that did that to me too! Dont you just hate those new fangled digital scales? (If my husband gets on it before me, I weight less, if I get on it first I weight at least one to 2 pounds more! Gte a kid to stand on the scale before you, truts me it will eb off a few punds when you get on. You cant trust a digital scale, they lie to you. I am almost tempter to go back to my ancient scale!) lol emoticon

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LAB-LOVER 9/20/2010 10:36PM

    I love Carol's suggestion! And it is just one more number. Doesn't hold a candle to all that you've accomplished! So there.
emoticon

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EMMASMART 9/20/2010 7:30PM

    Apparently you occasionally step on the scale. Tricky, maybe I should try that.

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KSGROTHE 9/20/2010 6:30PM

    I appreciate your honesty! And, I must confess, I had to go check your SparkPage to see if you updated your weight tracker and was pleased to see that you did. So many times we want to lie to ourselves and to others about weight. I know some Sparkers who don't record their gains on SP, so their weight trackers stay at whatever their lowest weight was. Myself, I've been forgetting to update my official SparkPeople weight, but I've been tracking it on a challenge team each week. It's been going up and down, and I've not been making much progress. But I'm working on it.

Anyway, you're still doing great, even if you've gained a little. Now that you've got your shiny new scale, you know exactly where you are. I have no doubt you can get back on track!

- Karen

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MARCHMAID 9/20/2010 4:59PM

    Oh, OK. I'll accept that the scale is correct, but I'm never going near it! I want my own little corner of happy denial still, I guess. Your attitude is so perfectly you! Way to go! Yes, you have made progress and so have I. Yours has been visible and mine has been more psychological I guess.

TMI? Not a chance. I'm letting it pretty much all hang out with you and my select buddies (can't handle too big a group) so I guess it's onward, no turning back, keep a stiff upper lip, "don't give up Tommy Atkins be a Stout Fella, chin up, cheerio, carry on!" (DO you know that old tune from WWII? ) Saw/heard it in an old movie when I was a kid. ; )

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QUEENOTHEFOREST 9/20/2010 11:52AM

    So in the first place how can this be tmi when this type of information is exactly what we are all supposed to be focusing on?
In the second place If anybody doesn't like what we have to say they can go to another page. The end. For them.

What matters to me is that you and I are focused, focused and focused again. It is too easy to get distracted by life stuff. But in the end what is basic is our health, fitness and energy fed by our well being.

You are a trail blazer to me that is for sure. I'm pleased to be trotting along behind.

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SPARKLES_MCGHEE 9/20/2010 11:30AM

    Great blog!! I'm a frequent TMIer too, but sometimes it's good to just get it out there, ya know?

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MS.ELENI 9/20/2010 9:20AM

    Another great blog. You always get me to thinking emoticon

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CAROLISCIOUS 9/20/2010 8:38AM

    I like Fogerty much better than yodeling...

Well, rock 'n roll girl...you continually amaze me. You are right, the scale is just a number...one measurement. Doncha wish there was a tool we could just step on that started blurting out all of the OTHER progress we've made???

Maybe you and your robotics buddies could come up with that?

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