Monday, November 15, 2010
This is, hands down, one of my favorite songs of all time. It consistently makes my Desert Island Discs list. You know, the ten or twelve or so song-long playlist that you'd absolutely, positively HAVE to have if you were stuck on a desert island.
With food, fresh water, sunscreen, medical care and an iPod.
But apparently no means of actually contacting anyone and getting off said desert island.
But I digress.
The imperfections of the world continue to be thrown into stark relief. The skies are getting darker. The air is getting colder. Unemployment is running out. And the time is running, and it can feel like a running in place.
But it's just a Winter that's coming. It's not permanent. It's not a downfall. It's a means of rising up.
For alcoholics, when you hit rock bottom is when you make a choice. You either decide to live, and to recover, or you give up, and you begin to accelerate the process of dying.
This is not that heavy, of course. And it isn't even rock bottom, not by any stretch. But it is the feeling of despair that can come with Winter. That, for me, can come every single Winter. For as Veterans' Day slips away and Thanksgiving looms, the cold seeps in and the dark permeates and it holds itself in and I hold myself in and if I don't watch it, I become wrapped in my own flesh for months until I suddenly wake up in March and realize, heh, someone's gonna see my arms soon and so I'd better get them in shape again and shed some poundage.
Success is, without a doubt, a very good thing, and the best thing about it is being able to hold onto it during dark times. Even if it isn't weight loss success. Even if it isn't recent. Being good and capable, being loving and kind, being able -- this is what can be hung onto. It's what can lead you past darkness and remind you that this, too, shall pass, and that you'll be back out there soon enough and Winter -- although it may SEEM longer -- is really only ninety days.
If there is no sun in Wintertime, make your own.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Well, not bones.
I broke some of the better ones earlier this year.
And now I am finally recovering from that.
It's annoying. I spent about four months doing less working out less (June through September), and paid for it, big time, in weight gain, in slower 5Ks, in clothes not fitting as optimally (or even at all, in some cases).
Things are turning around, but it is a chore.
Here are some numbaz.
Total miles walked (per pedometer):
January 56.70 (I had abdominal surgery on the 15th, hence the total is low)
5K times (didn't run a 5K every month this year):
October *43:04 and 44:27*
July *175.55* -- I suspect that this is about when the scale broke; I just didn't know it yet
September *184.5* -- note half of the measurements are with the old broken scale, half without. When only the newer #s are used, the average is a far more believable 202
November so far 203.1
Big, big shocker here. Walk less, get slower in 5Ks. Gain weight. And lose the size 10s and 12s and re-embrace the 14s.
Not fun. Not fun at all.
So I'm seeing the changing back, and that's interesting. I'm doing what I can to not beat on myself for fouling up for so long. And I also don't want to use the convenient broken scale excuse, or at least not overuse it. After all, I was still eating, etc. Just not picking up on what was happening. But my clothes weren't broken. The race timers weren't broken. Just the scale.
I am a grown woman and am responsible for my choices and whatever consequences are derived therefrom.
I offer this information to those who are tempted to slack off -- although I suspect you will need to learn it for yourselves like I did.
No highway spurs.
But also ...
Just get out the glue and the nails and fix it.
Monday, November 01, 2010
The name of this song is "Blue Monday", but this Monday is anything but blue. Even though my knee hurts.
Many lovely things to tell.
First off -- the song is not only because it's Monday but also because it's now in my running rotation. I used it for the first time on Saturday, when my husband and I ran the Oak Scare 5K. This one quite literally goes right past our house. It made perfect sense to do it as an extra race this year.
And it was a good run. My final time (44:27) does not look too awesome, but there was a good twenty seconds or so in there where I had to wait at a street corner for a cop to let me cross and continue (the whole race takes place on the streets of Brighton). But I won't shave that off the "official" time.
The running felt good. Really good. In fact, there was a downhill part that was so much longer and more delicious than any downhill we normally have in 5Ks. And I was hearing a song where I'm normally going UP a hill. Once I realized that, I started to really go. FAST. So fast, in fact, that I bounced enough to have a, heh, sports bra malfunction. Nothing showed, but I ended up with the bra under my armpits. I will not draw you a picture, dear readers. Suffice it to say there's a good reason why I wear it with a tee shirt and not by itself. Heh.
But the whole thing (despite that) felt good. It felt, not like when I normally just kinda jog along, barely getting my feet up. Instead, it felt like, ha. It felt like I was running like a child. Now, I am well aware that I was assisted quite a bit by gravity. And that's fine. And, I am totally paying for it today as my left knee in particular is asking me why I flat out ran for about 3 1/2 minutes two days ago.
But it was still great fun. It was still a YAY moment.
And here's another YAY moment.
My company is in the finals for a business plan/presentation competition. As in, the top three of a field that was originally some 46 or so companies. The actually final is on November 9th, when we will all get totally dressed up (I have a black velvet dress that I will probably choose) and the boss will present and we will all hand out business cards and smile and be on our absolute best behavior.
And there will be some $$ awarded. Even the company that comes in third will get something. Plus, since we have to finish the business plan for November 9th, that will free up other things. We have some other things coming that will only come with a completed business plan, so da boss and I are working on it this week.
This week's plan is: I will go to the gym three days. Starting today. And I will then shower and head on over to da boss's and we will type and confer and figure out what we're doing. Plus we'll continue to work on his presentation. He knows it really well already but needs to talk a bit slower. There are places to pause and let certain comments sink in so we need to practice the timing.
When the money comes -- for I am feeling it is no longer if, but when -- I will go permanent, full-time with them, most likely in Q1 of '11, as the VP of Marketing (yes, I am getting a promotion or at least a fancier title).
Oh and yeah, the weight loss thing? Down another .8 today, and almost all of my measurements are down. So fat is going back to muscle. Another YAY moment.
Oh, I see a ship in the harbor all right. I do believe it is, as they say, my ship coming in.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sometimes, I just need a fix of some 80s silliness, hence the song.
I am kinda tired from the weekend. It was a two-day company event and I was mainly on my feet, and not in the best of shoes. Despite how I generally feel, it is not easy to do that much meet and greet and not feel the aftereffects. Gym will be either today (after I see a potential customer who I think just wants to flirt with me) or tomorrow, plus Wed. and Thurs. That seems to be paying off -- a nice loss this week.
This weekend is one 5K, next week is another, then that'll be it until December, and the December one will be the last one for the year.
So I am on track for exercise, and it paid off with a two and a half pound loss. I am going to have to keep this up, despite fatigue, despite everything. There is always some place where it gives, where you push down hard enough and it's like a game of Whack-A-Mole, something else comes up and you try to clamp down on that as well. And, for me, going to the gym is actually close and easy and relatively fast! It's the aftermath that kills.
But it's gotta get done.
One of the things Spark advises is, make yourself an unbreakable appointment to get your fitness in. I have a schedule for blog entries. Friday I go into the office. Events spill into evenings, weekends and, like today, lunchtime. Cleaning is all but abandoned. Somewhere in there, we go food shopping, pay bills and get the laundry done. And, in the middle, I get in the fitness minutes.
I have some 85,000 fitness minutes or so. Which is insane. But I have it because I've been here nearly three years and I record just about everything.
But I also have that figure because, without fail (some exceptions for when I was right outta surgery), I have done ST and at least tried to pull on resistance bands. The day doesn't start, not officially, until ST and resistance bands are done. There may be no other working out. I may spend the rest of the day lying back and watching TV. But at least that part gets done. It's the least common denominator.
Which is funny, because the least common denominator used to be, of course, doing nothing.
Now it's getting harder and harder for me to envision doing absolutely nothing. Hmmm.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Gawd, I have not had a great time of it lately when it comes to weight loss.
I have been gaining, mostly. Today, I am up over 5 pounds since last week. Yep. Almost the same weight as April.
So, that sucks.
Mr. J and I figure at least a part of it is little ice cream cups we've been eating a lot of. While I am still tracking them, they are not doing me any favors. So we'll finish out the last ones (he is, after all, not on a diet) and not buy them again until next Summer. No need now, when it's 40-something degrees in the morning anyway.
And, it's frustrating. Despite little ice cream cups, I HAVE been in calorie and nutrient ranges. I've kept the salt in check. I've gone to the gym twice a week. I've done weight training every morning. I've gotten enough sleep at night. My measurements are meh, could be better, could be worse. So I am not really building muscle with the weight gain.
I'm just, for whatever reason, gaining fat.
This is helping to spiral into the thing that I admitted to him yesterday, which I will tell you all as well -- I can feel I am getting depressed again.
So I'm back on St. John's Wort. I don't love medicating myself, and SJW is mild. It's not really a happiness pill. Hard to describe -- you just stop giving a damn about certain details. So that helps. You just let some things go. And, by the way, I've been through therapy before. Not interested in it this time around.
And I am well aware that losing weight does not bring happiness, per se. I understand that a size does not define my mood. It does not define ME.
But it's still hard to be on this end of things.
It's not like I've never gained weight before. It's not like I've never gained seemingly inexplicable weight before, either. But it doesn't really get any easier. It continues to suck.
Another thing, though, I know, is that this time of year (which prompted the first song on the video, and then the second one fit in rather nicely, so I went with both) is a transition and I don't love transitions. I have patience for a lot of things, but transitions tend to take a lot out of me. And weight loss is one big, fat (heh) transition. I just want it to be over with already, and it's not.
Some of it feels (and this is absurd, but it's the truth) like it's unfair. After all, I was doing my thing, then I relaxed, then the old scale broke way earlier than I knew, and I was lured into a trap of too much food, not enough exercise, and then the evil was done and I was 40 pounds up and now I'm approaching fifty up from where I thought I was, even though the reality is that I'm probably more like twenty up.
But, ha, that's stupid.
No other really good word for it. It was a scale, a piece of equipment. It didn't define me, and neither does the new one. And it does not decide whether I eat more, or worse foods, or exercise less. Only I decide THAT.
So, one other thing Mr J and I also decided is that there is an aspect of work that is giving me stress. Not the robotics company. There's a much smaller company that I also blog for. And, while I am more reliably paid there, I just don't like it. It does not interest me, and it splits my focus too much. It is a chore to do it, and now the guy from there wants to talk long-term strategy and I just plain feel trapped. So I am going to draw that one to a close. I don't really get a lot of $$ from it and it's not worth the dissatisfaction. Plus I suspect that the robotics company is going to be going places, and soon. I'd have to quit the other place, anyway. Hence I may as well ditch this company. I barely make enough to cover my gasoline expenses. It's not worth how trapped and stressed I feel.
I don't know where all of this is going to lead, and that's a real chore when I am feeling like this and stuck in the middle of a transition. I hate not knowing, hate feeling out of control and lost. And I don't even know what's good for me. Tough love? Sympathy? Helfino.
I do value honesty.
My body has not caught up with my brain or my wishes. The company where I work has not caught up to my hopes and dreams, not yet.
Dammit I hate transitions.
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