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Monday, July 26, 2010

I remember this week's song well, but apparently it's pretty obscure. Hmm, I had thought that Stevie Wonder and obscure couldn't possibly be thought of in the same sentence.

So. Tomorrow is our big, honkin' TEDxBoston event. I am excited and a little nervous. I am perfectly fine talking to large crowds but that confidence stems from knowing my material and I wish I knew the material better. We are going to work on the whole thing tonight, and during today I am going to read the manual (RTFM) again. And I will blog. And write the company newsletter. And set up catering. And a billion other things, too.

Everyone has gotten into the act, which is truly fun to see. I was at the Worcester Lab on Wednesday and one of the guys' girlfriends was putting together robotic arms. Well, actually, she was filing down rough edges. So another girlfriend, and I, started to help her. These were plastic edges that were a bit uneven because the laser cutter (yes, we use one of those) was a tad dirty. It's the three of us, sitting there, filing away, when one girlfriend asks the other: do you have a heavier file? Sure, she says, and pulls out a thin file. From the back of her hairdo.

It was sort of like some wacky steampunk idea of cottage industry. I half expected someone to hand me a loom and tell me to start weaving. The guys, on the other hand, were talking about the production run, talking about the brochures we're going to hand out, etc. I flitted between the two groups.

My husband has even helped out -- he is an AutoCADD Designer and we needed a blueprint, so he spent four hours this weekend (he did not mind -- he is one truly awesome fellow) drawing a basic house plan.

But it's been a lot of driving (round-trip, Worcester is 3 hours) and so, naturally, this is all dominating my life. I am okay with it being that dominant -- it should be! But I am not the Spring chicken I keep telling myself I am. Copious naps and cups of coffee, interspersed, have helped tremendously.

I also had a phone screen last week, for the company that's courting me. I passed and now it's on to ... another phone screen. In a way, that's good, as I just don't have the time to deal right now. This week is taken over, with the before, the during and the after.

Oh and I am flirting (although I gained about a half a pound this week -- blame TOM, there's another thing for me to be dealing with right now) with 173.

Why is the mark of 173 lbs. so important?

Because that's half of what I originally weighed.

Yep, really. I don't know if it will happen this week -- I will try to keep the eating good but it just might not happen. I will forgive myself if it is imperfect. C'est la vie. But it is definitely within reach, which is rather exciting. My current minigoal is 170 but that's not the ultimate goal, which remains 146. But hitting 173, perhaps in mid-August, would be awfully sweet. Thank you -- ALL of you -- for everything you've done to get me to where I am today. I truly appreciate it.

One last thing -- if you want to see me in action tomorrow, we are actually webcasting. We're all wearing company shirts (and the gals are all wearing black skirts), but I am unmistakable as I'm the only blonde.

I am ready for my close up now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUSIC66 7/27/2010 5:22AM

    thats great

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TRACYZABELLE 7/27/2010 4:52AM

    You rock girl!! I want to be 1/2 my size too~

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DMPRIDER 7/26/2010 11:19PM

    Wait, WAIT! Your half your size! WaHOO for you!! And wait a gosh-darn minute! Stevie Wonder's "Dont Worry 'Bout a Thing" is obscure? I'm pretty sure it was considered a hit where I grew up outside of Philly.

Just one more "thing" - GOOD LUCK tomorrow! :)

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ERIN1022 7/26/2010 9:50PM

    Oh my goodness, you're almost half your size?? That's awesome! Woohoo!

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CAROLISCIOUS 7/26/2010 9:40PM

    LOVE it that you have so many exciting things going on, yet being healthy is still a top prority. That's what the spark life is all about! Thanks for being such an encouragement!

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MARCHMAID 7/26/2010 9:30PM

    If 173 is half of what you originally weighed, you were one big baby!

Glad things are going so well, if hectically, for you!

Best of luck, break a leg, etc., etc.

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LAB-LOVER 7/26/2010 9:01PM

    Sounds like you are having a blast.

And WAIT... WAIT one freaking minute. You can't be flirting with 173... because I'm 175 and working on getting to 173 as MY next mini goal.

Oooohh... the green eyed monster is lurking!

emoticon (ok he's not green...)

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TELERIE 7/26/2010 6:53PM

    I'm so PROUD of you! Happy for you! Enjoy tomorrow and let me know when I can send you a double hug for half-a-Janet! :)
I'll try to catch the webcast if I can!

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KSGROTHE 7/26/2010 2:28PM

    Wow! This all sounds so exciting for you and for the new company you're working for! I hope it goes well!

And, congratulations on being so close to being only half your starting weight! I know you'll get there soon!

Your enthusiasm is contagious! Keep up the good work! emoticon

- Karen

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MS.ELENI 7/26/2010 12:45PM

    I didn't remember the first part of the song but after a few seconds I did. I checked out the other link and i don't think your name was anywhere.I thought you deserved some credit for all your hard work.maybe I just missed it.
You have sure been busy. I have no doubt you will get to your goal. Find some "you" time

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PROMISE2DESIGN 7/26/2010 12:07PM

    You're awesome skinny! You'll do excellent tomorrow. There isn't anything you can't do. Remember to imagine it all in your mind before you do it.

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250STRONG 7/26/2010 10:48AM

    WOO freakin' HOO!

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FIT_TERI 7/26/2010 8:46AM

    I remember the song, too.

How awesome is it that you are nearly at half your original weight. You should be jumping up and down. Amazing. Be sure to let us know when you get there!

Have fun and good luck tomorrow! I will try to check out your webcast. I will be in our NYC office tomorrow, where I typically have to scrounge around the very "open" seating plan for a place to I never know who might be looking over my shoulder.

Finally, the heat wave is over!! Enjoy today!

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And however much we try

Monday, July 19, 2010

Before I go any further in this blog entry, I've just gotta say, check out the video. Paul Weller is one hot ticket. My oh my.

Now that I've gotten THAT out of the way, here comes the actual blog entry:

I had a somewhat up and down week and that is going to be pretty much the way things are for the remainder of the month so please bear with me. On Tuesday, my company heard that we have been selected to present a pre-adventure for TEDxBoston (
). This is an ENORMOUS deal -- it is the kind of thing that careers are made on.

So, we are busy. Because I am the only non-technical employee, I get to do all the grunt work: invitations, Tweets, blog entries, order catering, figure out other things we need (magic markers, name tags, etc.), promote, send out thank yous, etc.

We are in good shape but it is generally because I worked like a dog for the last four days of last week. Invitations are done, Tweets are done and scheduled and almost all of the blog entries have been written. Most of the stuff has been bought. Today I've got to call catering. Catering is tricky as I don't have a head count yet, and I know that people will come in at the last minute. There's limited space in the pre-adventures so I can see more interest being generated if the -- ahem -- helicopter ride over Boston or the BSO, um, thing get filled up. At least I think there's a BSO activity. It's all been blurring together for quite a while now.

As for the talk, that is not my department but we will do a rehearsal on Wednesday evening so somehow this will be all worked out, I'm sure. I don't mind speaking in front of crowds but I need something to say. I suspect I will work the front table and maybe introduce the guys, then get out of everyone's way.

Which is fine.

In the meantime, over the weekend, my husband and I ran a 5K.

Oh. My. God.

Hotter than Hades. Slow. Grinding. Dirty.

My second-worst time. Ever.

Did not faint, did not feel like it, but I know my face was red and hot, which is the sign right before feeling faint. Yes, I had a ton of water with me. Didn't matter.

We drank and drank afterwards. There were pretzels there -- I totally did not even count them. Just grabbed, had to have the salt.

I am okay today but I have inner thigh (groin?) pain on both sides. I get this after running and hate it. I will need to get my act in gear in terms of some strength training for that area at some point. I understand that races give me pain the following day, and I accept that, but it's been a few days and it should be done now, so that is telling me I need to strength train more.

Plus -- and I'm not sure how I did this, although it may have been that I whacked my hand on a water bottle -- my left thumb has a lovely bump and pain. Some sort of jamming, I suppose.

This week, no race, just the rehearsal but before that I have a marketing thing and, in between, as the meat in the sandwich, I've got the phone screen with the place that is courting me.

Life is whizzing by and getting more and more confused. Good things are, for the most part, happening. I just wish I was more conscious of them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4A-HEALTHY-BMI 7/21/2010 4:52PM

    Dang. A TED event?! Even if independently organized, is pretty dang cool

You GO, girl!


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DDOORN 7/21/2010 3:48AM

    Any ol' way you can do it, such an AWESOME deal on the 5K!

In that same hot weather I had a WONDERFUL time biking 66 miles through the Catskills...a few pics in my latest blog.

Keep the SPARK! :-)


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CAROLISCIOUS 7/20/2010 7:29PM

    Catching up all sounds very exciting, but then, I am not in the middle of it like you are. Or, perhaps it is all over and you are a robotics celebrity now.

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PROMISE2DESIGN 7/20/2010 3:12PM

    Hang in there.... YOU ARE LIVING LIFE! Sounds like great things are happening even if you didn't make the best time. Your aches and pains are temporary, the way you've kicked butt and took names is a lifetime of memories! I totally understand the feeling of wanting to be more conscious of all going on... but in my opinion that is a defense mechanism so you don't really comprehend how hard you are working! Good luck with the presentation!

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STRINGS58 7/20/2010 8:44AM

    WOW! verrrrrrry busy, but a good busy! I hope the presentation goes well. Congrats on the running. It's amazing how you have to get tough for this fitness stuff, isn't it? If you want to feel better, check out a crash on the Tour de France. I'm following the race when I'm home, and I know that I would hurt from the bike seat for a 10 mile ride, much less the Pyrannees --- ahhhhhhh

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TRACYZABELLE 7/20/2010 3:04AM

    Always make time for you!

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    Well Hot Stuff...I can call you that after the run last weekend good luck with this. Very exciting stuff. Just think you could be at that stuffy terrible old gig. Wow.

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MALCONTENTION 7/19/2010 8:13PM

    Sometimes you just need to roll with it! Hang in there and enjoy what you can!

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MADERINERUE 7/19/2010 8:01PM

    I have nothing truly useful to add, except 1) keep taking good care of your precious, precious self. And 2) if you think Paul Weller is hot, perhaps you will agree with me that Adam Ant is SMOKIN':

I think we should both take up face paint.

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ONECOOKIETWO 7/19/2010 1:39PM

    You are indeed busy!
But you're doing it for the good of your future, after all.
The groin muscle pain sounds not good though, just curious, do you do yoga?
None of my business, and KNOW that I am NOT giving you advice.
I hope the job possibility comes through for you, but only if they pay you well, respect you well, and if you have time for a life!

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MS.ELENI 7/19/2010 11:29AM

    Wow You are a busy gal.I got tired reading your blog.But congrats on doing the 5k.Who cares if it wasn't your finished it and thats what counts.
I know you are busy but do find some quiet time to relax.

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250STRONG 7/19/2010 11:21AM

    Sounds like a lot going on. Just remember to pause every now and again and catch your breath.

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CJROMB 7/19/2010 11:11AM

    My personal trainer, whose advice I've not bothered to take yet, sent me a link to some agility moves that he says are really good for people who are running.

Lemme see if I can get my lazy fingers to open up email and find it, and I'll post a link here!

One day I want to speak at the real TED. Wouldn't that just be incredible? For now, I just want to be accepted to attend. :)

We had a TEDxAustin here recently; I was apparently not a big enough thinker to get in. Or perhaps I didn't get in because one of my competitors was on the decision board? Maybe I should try to get in the TEDxBoston. I could meet you, see Lab-Lover and Quirkles and Queenotheforest...and get SMARTer. I think they should have t-shirts - "My friend spoke at TEDx, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

Okay enough from me. I'm going to work now. Speaking of confused...ahha

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MARCHMAID 7/19/2010 11:01AM

    Congrats on the run! And the career moves! And beating the heat!

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DMPRIDER 7/19/2010 10:29AM

    Wow, you have lots going on. Good luck with everything.

For the caterer, if you have a good one, which I assume you do, and they are experienced with these kinds of events, they should know how to plan for last minute attendees etc. I'm sure they have a way to figure out the correct amount of overage.

Good for you and Mr. J. running a 5K this weekend. Its just been so HOT. I have not been running due to a knee issue. But I've been walking. More often though I go to the air-conditioned gym because the last couple of weeks the heat has been brutal.

Have a good week!

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It's a Thousand Pages, Give or Take a Few

Monday, July 12, 2010

I write almost every day these days. And if I don't, I read, about the Internet, about Social Media, about whatever I think will help me with work.

It sounds like homework.

It sounds like school.

It sounds like ... work.

But it's not, it's fun. It hasn't been a slog, at least not, so far. Instead, it's been more like, isn't that interesting, or, I knew that, but it's good to see it confirmed. Or, wow, cutting edge!

So, I am having fun. I've stepped back from all of the appearances in order to make it easier to accomplish all of this reading and writing. Plus, I really went over on hours last month. That cannot continue, so it's best for me to hold back.

And -- don't tell anyone -- but we're working on a big promotional event kinda, er, thingie.

So I'm working on that.

Read, write, work. Yep.

That's what I do.

Oh and work out and stuff. I am here on Spark for a reason, dontcha know.

But the lion's share of my time is devoted to the big three of reading, writing and working (that third one includes things like web design). But --

If you must return it, you can send it here.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STRINGS58 7/16/2010 8:13AM

    Sounds like there is a rhythm with the working out fit in. Sounds llike there is a way to feed the intellect, skills, and the body. Sounds like there is a push, but it is a good push, without the costs to yourself for pushing on something you don't want.

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TRACYZABELLE 7/15/2010 1:54AM

    It is so good to spend time doing something you enjoy! emoticon

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DDOORN 7/14/2010 10:43PM

    "Having fun"...LOVE that part...long overdue! :-)


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CHERN009 7/12/2010 8:18PM


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KSGROTHE 7/12/2010 6:42PM

    Sounds emoticon

It's so awesome that you've found something you like to do that you can pursue as a career!

Keep up the good work!

- Karen

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MADERINERUE 7/12/2010 2:09PM

    Oh, I LOVE this song!

I also hate my job. Hopefully this is in the process of changing.


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    PS Did you know Ringo turned 70 last week? ACK

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    No holding back at this stage. Full steam ahead. Make your mark. Then relax when the start up has started already. This is where being a touch compulsive is a good thing. As long as you are spending quality time with DH with fitness and of course with ME!

Go for it girl. No explanations needed.

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250STRONG 7/12/2010 10:35AM

    It is so important to enjoy one's work. :)

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The Sky Came Crashing Down

Monday, July 05, 2010

Man, oh man, it's hot in here.

And my boss is coming over tomorrow to work, after his, er, day job. We'll probably stay in this room, the computer room, as it has an air conditioner in the window. No other windows have a/c in them, at least not right now.

It is a hot and dusty business to put the a/c unit in so I don't blame Mr. J for not doing more than one. That's fine. So far, we've been able to sleep at night. So, no worries. I do, though, wonder how the three of us will have dinner tomorrow night if we end up staying in here. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. It's not like da boss's apartment is going to be significantly cooler.

Oof. I am usually cold, so if even I am hot, it means it's pretty bad. It's 91 according to Weather Bug.

So -- there is more to tell. I am being courted by a company which does Community Management as their main focus.

What? You ask. Don't you already have a job, jes?

Why yes, yes I do. And I am happy with it.

But it is a startup.

Hence if I want to make any $$ -- at least for a while -- I need to cultivate my own day job. My pals do want to hire me (yay!) but the timing is off. It'll get there. It's just not there quite yet.

Hence I need to continue looking.

Plus I need to continue looking in order to satisfying the Commonwealth, which is still graciously paying me Unemployment.

I need to call them tomorrow and assure them that, yes, I am actually still unemployed (or rather underemployed). I am nervous about this, don't want to upset the delicate balance.

Oof, not fun, and the heat is making me feel bad which is making everything else loom larger. I recognize that it is going to be okay but, eh, I do not enjoy dealing with bureaucracy.

This is also why I want to stay with my pals. There is no bureaucracy. Or, rather, I suppose, we are it. So we can make it anything we want, as small or as large as necessary. Small, very small. That'll work for me.

In the meantime, workouts are still somewhat sparse but they are happening. Every morning is weight training and resistance bands, the question is whether anything else happens. Sometimes things don't happen because I have events and whatnot and it's too much of a rigamarole to shower and get all dolled up again afterwards. This is one major goal for July, to go to fewer events and focus them far better. Right now, aside from meeting the gal with the Community Management company, I am looking at 8 events plus a hair appointment and a 5K this month. I may sign up for one or two more events but that'll do me, I think.

Long as there's air conditioning.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 7/9/2010 10:56PM

    We STILL don't have any A/C here after living in our home in upstate NY for 28 years...!

Getting mighty close to caving on this!

This has GOT to be one of the TOUGHEST job markets in many MANY years...hang in're BOUND to find a spot where you can get paid for sharing your SPARK! :-)


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TRACYZABELLE 7/9/2010 4:50AM

    Best of luck laying that career path! I hope you find your niche.

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AFM-SPARK 7/7/2010 3:35PM

    I sure love a/c when it's as hot as it's been here in DC. Give the the 70's any day!

Good luck with the networking!


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LUCKY8GAL 7/7/2010 12:00AM

    Here I live in sunny California and it rained this morning and the sky was cloudy all day yesterday;( Makes me believe in global warming! Thats awesome your being courted. Take your time and find the right fit for you! emoticon

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FIT_TERI 7/6/2010 9:00AM

    It looks like it's going to be even hotter today, I hate to say. Stay in the air-conditioned office I guess.....or go out to the movies or even the mall.

Glad you're being courted! It must be hard to continue to look while you have this opportunity that interests you so much, but you obviously have to. Good luck with it. I hope this heat wave ends soon.

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MS.ELENI 7/5/2010 6:48PM

    Things will all work out evenually. The heat is bad everywhere.I couldn't survive without AC.

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    Hot. Yes. Hot. Even on the Cape. Nice to be courted. Nice to have a gig that interests you. I think back to the way you sounded this time last year. Go Jes

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MARCHMAID 7/5/2010 4:04PM

    It's even hot here in the woods today. Can't imagine functioning in the city! I suggest a trip north. ; )

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And Now I Know How Joan of Arc Felt

Monday, June 28, 2010

My parents just left. They visit here maybe once or twice per year or so.

And ... I have to be the bigger person.

It is not bad. No, not really. No, no.

But it -- eh, you know -- the dynamic does not change and now, as they get older, I find I lace it with considerably more guilt than I did when I was in my twenties and thirties. Here they are, staring eighty in the face, and I am staring at fifty, and guilt just pushes up, like some unwanted, demented weed.

I think some of it, on my part, is the heat. And PMS. And the routine being disrupted, even though I invited them in. Of course this wasn't unexpected. But we, y'know, we have our routines. Our routines differ from what they were a few years ago but we still have them, and want to follow them.

Oh and another thing is that I've had a boatload of restaurant meals and very little exercise. Yeah, that'll add to it all.

And then -- oof -- politics.

I gotta say, I truly hate talking politics. I am online a lot, and it is a large topic of conversation on the site that I manage, and I mainly steer clear.

Include me out.

And, of course, that was dredged up this morning. Why don't you care? Why aren't you more active? Yadda yadda yadda.

I do care -- I just don't want to rehash it. The world's problems aren't going to get solved here. All we're going to do is piss one another off. Enough, already!

Gaaah, just listen. I'm starting subtly, I'm being ignored. I get more vocal, I'm being ignored. Finally I out and out say -- I.Don't.Want.To.Talk.About.This.And.Please

Okay, now it stops, but not before a last, parting word.

God. Just quit it.

This is done less than an hour before they depart, hence it not only looms large in my head but also helps to color the visit.


And, neither do they. Life isn't all sweetness and light, and I am totally okay with that, but just let the damned thing go for a weekend.


We went to Maine over the weekend. World's fastest LL Bean shopping spree. I was a whirling dervish. Inexplicably, I was only given 20 minutes. I actually got 4 things, tried them on (there was a 5th that fit but I didn't like how it looked on me, so I threw it back) and purchased them. I should submit that to the Guinness Book of World Records or something. Tank top, shorts, pair of jeans and a yellow hoodie. Right now I'm wearing the 1st 2 as it is pushing 90 degrees here.

So ... that was the chief reason for going to Maine. Pretty scenery, to be sure. Something to do. I know they get bored silly at my house but what can I do? Mr. J works, I have blogging (I should say: I work, too!) and we don't give a damn about any movie that's out right now. Air conditioners are not in the windows although that could be changed if need be. Museums and restaurants aplenty here, plus scenery is not too far away.

But, it's getting harder and harder. For Mr. J and I, it is easier. It's almost like the ease has been sucked out of the earlier generation.

And, Maine. It has some emotional connections for me. Not just because I attended Summer camp there as a teenager. It's also the place where, in 2007, I almost fainted in monster heat. And I could tell, the thoughts were -- if you weren't so goddamned fat you wouldn't be in this predicament.

Well, I was. I was goddamned fat.

I'm not any more. And I talk about it plenty, but I am also a bit tired of that as well. Not as sick of it as I am of politics and, no, I am not sick of you, fellow Sparkies.

But I am tired of what is the internal dialogue. The one where I say, well, I used to be this way. I'm not any more.

I need to let that go. It's done. It's over with. Can it come back? It's certainly possible. The chiefly annoying and unfair thing about weight loss is that it never really ends, you never really stop and you can never really slide without major massive freakin' consequences.

I don't think my parents are watching me, eagle-eyed, to see if I'll fall. There are people who do (those people should occupy one of the seven circles of Hell after death, so far as I'm concerned). There are folk who mentally rub their hands with glee.

Oh, I TOLD you she couldn't do it. Stupid fat girl. Never thin for long. Always fat, already fat again, don't let that appearance fool you! She can't be this way permanently. Leopard, spots, you know the drill.

I guess this post is a real downer, and I'm sorry about that. I am, yep, there's that ole guilt again. Why am I complaining about this?

But, bottom line, it is also my own fears bubbling up to the surface. It is also seeing thirty years into the future. Who do I want to be? The one who still walks every morning, or the one having trouble getting up off the couch? The one who climbs stairs with no problem, or the one who huffs during the ordeal?

So, it is guilt. It is imagination. It is fear. It is some sorrow, knowing what was before. And can never be again. And I know what is coming, the hard decisions that will have to be made. I fear I will not have the courage to make them.

Hence, if I leave with you with any takeaway today, what I can say (and some of this is the heat talking -- oh, look, it's 90, oh joy) to you is the following:

Perpetual dieting sucks.

Parking far away when you just want to be closer sucks.

Drinking water all the time sucks.

Cardio, whether you want to do it or not, sucks.

But not doing those things sucks even more.

And at some point, I hope you all live long enough, and you'll see the consequences, one way or the other.

Extreme old age sucks.

All we can do is make it a long time before we're in extreme old age, regardless of our true birth dates. And, when it does come, to make it suck as little as possible.

Thanks for reading. I suspect I'll be more cheerful next week.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 7/9/2010 11:00PM

    Sorry to be late to the party! Yet another 50 something with parents closing in on 80. Seems to be catching...

There is something VERY unnerving about spending time with the folks who were around when I incubated such a fat, insecure person as I was. Completely understand your jitters!

Politics has never been a prob though as we all swing on the same liberal, progressive branch. Except it can be a bit depressing commiserating about the current state of affairs...!


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SWEETZMIX 7/3/2010 8:26AM

    EHHH you doesn't have a downer blog every so often?!? So you are scared and it's normal. You just have to learn to let go of those fears. Look how much you have accomplished in your life, and not just weight loss. Weren't you scared, but you did it.


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MS.ELENI 6/30/2010 9:14PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TELERIE 6/30/2010 10:52AM

    Big hugs!!

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NYAYNE 6/30/2010 9:09AM

    Family dynamics, gotta love it. The more you think things have changed the more they stay the same.

You must have set a new record getting in and out of LL Bean in 20 minutes, that place is huge. While in Freeport you were very close to an agility trial and a small all breed dog show.

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CAROLISCIOUS 6/29/2010 8:53PM

    Let's be one of those healthy Seniors...okay?

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DIASTER 6/29/2010 7:42PM

  Oh my. My daughter and her kids just left, I just ate a quart of ice cream with chocolate syrup, a hot dog, pretzels etc. etc. Maybe it is just the stress of family even with total love, but as you said routines are disrupted, feelings are on the surface etc. you want the visit to be fun and perfect, but life is real
Since our visitors are gone lets get back to what we know we are suppose to be doing, hey we have 6 months before the next visit, politics and a crying 5 year old will both change by then, and we will be lighter and closer to goal.

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 6/29/2010 4:05PM

    I'm so confused - because you mentioned guilt many times but I'm not sure what you've done - omission or commission - that you should feel guilty about.

You know what, I've spent many months (from about February until last week) struggling with the urge to eat at night, struggling with how to fit in all my exercise, struggling struggling struggling and watching my weight slide up, punching it back down some, slide up again, lather rinse repeat. And I figured I was just consigned to this forever.

And then suddenly this week I do not have the urge to binge. I'm fine. I'm not even hungry when I eat the same restricted calorie levels I did last year at 100+ lbs above where I am now. And I feel fine. And the weight is sliding off again. Fast. You could knock me over with a feather. Because I didn't think it would get easy again. it just didn't seem possible. But it did.

Maybe it's wackadoo hormones. Maybe it's because I've been kayaking a lot lately and improving and feeling good about that. Maybe it's because I'm enjoying not only the kayaking but the company of my partners in crime. I'm not even sure I care why exactly, but I have to say I'm relaxing into it like a hot bath after a long strength training session, LOL. I'll just ride it while I can. And when things get tough again (as I imagine they probably will sooner or later) I'll go back to the struggling.

My hope is that you will also soon have an inexplicably easy spell, to catch your breath, relax, get your bearings and your feet back under you, and just BE.

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GUNNYGIBBS 6/29/2010 11:39AM

    Welcome to 50s. Isn't it fun?

First, the only way I ever resolved anything with my mother was after she died. I realized it was her problem not mine. I also realized I can choose to be who and what I want to be. Why am I lifting and lifting hard? Because that is ME. I don't have to hear her anymore and I got rid of the inner parent a long time ago.

It's a pretty sad statement my worst nightmares I have at night are my mother is alive and I'm telling her she's dead and to go away. It only happens in times of stress. Think hard parents about what you do. You don't want to make yourself into your child's worst nightmare. btw two books that came in real handy was "Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self" [DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT A THERAPIST unless you are one] and the other was David Burns "Feeling Good"

Next politics? Lord my sister and I could kill each other. I simply say "You know all politicians are stupid and none of them are doing the job they should be doing today. Did Danny get his lights in?" Or other favorite topic of hers like how we both hate Penn Dot. End of politics. For others I simply say "I don't discuss politics. It's against my religion." Stops them dead. Never have to tell them I'm an Atheist. Right now Politics is an area of Hate not of constructive action. It's time to let the hate go. If you don't answer if they keep out after that, the conversation is one sided and they'll get the message.

Next, yep. It's the 50s. I did grieve what wouldn't be but it wouldn't be. And that's ok today. It made me what I am and you know what? That ain't shabby at all. In fact, it gave me my best friend, myself. Sure I still feel twinges. But all in all? It's ok today.

Seriously? Read Burns at least. All those things are what we create and the stories/thoughts we tell ourselves about ourselves. It takes time to change the stories but it is soooo good when we do.

And find something you love. Really love. Mine is weight lifting and I would do a LOT for that and it is no chore. Well except Cardio. Cardio does suck.

Change your mind, change your life. Just ask Nick who has no arms and legs

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    Jeeze are you sitting next to me having this conversation. Jeeze. I will resist blogging all over your page about aging and having a full fit life.

Your thoughts about weight gain again are unnerving. I lost 20 lbs last year on Spark and put 10 back after my episode with cancer and surgery and treatment. I am not getting the good feeling of success back. I am stuck, and don't want to be. My impression is that many people who lose do not keep it off. I have not gotten anywhere near my goal and your blog is reminding me how risky it is to be going in the wrong direction even for a bit. I do think Spark is an answer to that. Thanks Jes for the motivation today. And always.

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TRACYZABELLE 6/29/2010 4:01AM

    It will all pay off in the end

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MADERINERUE 6/28/2010 10:53PM

    You are really on to some things here. In particular, you're aware of what needs to be let go. Many of us stagger around for YEARS not even knowing what we're carrying. Good for you! I am reading a very good book that addresses some of what you describe here (the past as a source of guilt and remorse, the future as a source of fear); perhaps you've already read it, but on the off-chance you haven't, it's "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Don't let the first chapter put you off.

Ok, and secondly, I need to go download some Smiths. I'll do it right now. Thanks.

xo emoticon emoticon

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FIT_TERI 6/28/2010 9:59PM

    Wow, there's so much here to comment on.

First, I am with you on not discussing politics! The only people I discuss politics with are my husband & my mom - most of the time we agree, and when we don't it's never a divisive kind of thing. I won't talk about it at all in general.

Second, I don't think you can underestimate how much this kind of heat can affect your mood - and your patience.

Which brings me to my third comment. I, like you, am staring at 50 with parents staring at 80. I live close enough to them to spend an afternoon and nothing more. But once per year, we go away on a 4 to 5 day vacation with them....and I am sorry to say that I lately leave feeling very guilty about some encounter, usually toward the end of that time. Why can't I just be the bigger person all the time? After all, when I was a screaming infant or a tantrum-throwing toddler, I am quite certain they were. I have to try harder at that. It's so much easier said than done.

Finally, how did you get only 20 mins at LL Bean store???

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EMMASMART 6/28/2010 9:23PM

    Poor baby. Make sure you get your rest, raspberries. Can you have them? They help what ails you. I can only complain about over enthusiastic 4th of July revelers who have started in JUNE for craps sake, no parents to worry about here.

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MARCHMAID 6/28/2010 7:14PM

    Well. Wait till you see MY downer of a blog. I've misplaced my sense of humor again. Wish I were 50 again--times were good (remember my bike picture? I was 50 then.) 62-63 has been a bummer to say the least. Losing hope here.

I used to love politics--still can get riled occasionally, but mostly have no oompf. Need a new lease. Where? How? Who to see about it?

My parents died young. I've watched all my friends deal with losing theirs later. I feel for you.

Comment edited on: 6/29/2010 12:48:32 PM

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JLITT62 6/28/2010 2:23PM

    Oh geez, my parents are coming for a short visit in a couple of weeks and I'm trying to figure out just what to do with them. They are in their 80s -- Dad will be 85 next year -- and they don't move so well anymore. So anything that involves walking is out.

Then there's the fact that my Dad has to blast the TV to hear it despite his hearing aids, and I don't even like how loud my husband plays it. And usually manages to screw something up because he couldn't possibly ask for help.

They do at least like movies, and so do I, except for the fact that usually they've seen everything in creation.

Oh, and did I mention my husband will be on a business trip then? Which shouldn't really matter, they are my parents after all, but a buffer and some help is always welcome.

Feel any better yet?

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KSGROTHE 6/28/2010 1:54PM

    I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I also do not like to talk politics. It's either too divisive or seems too much like jumping on a bandwagon. Politics also seems to bring out the worst in people. As for the visit with your parents, I also think I understand a bit of how you feel about having to be the bigger person. I enjoy visiting with my parents but feel relieved to get back to my usual life when they leave, or more often when I leave them (they rarely visit us here). The dynamic can be strange for an adult trying to relate to parents who may still think of you as their child.

As for the heat, maybe it's time to put in the air conditioners. emoticon

Hang in there! emoticon

- Karen

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KAYBEE37 6/28/2010 12:19PM

    As they say ... better out than in. I'm so glad that you were able to get all this out. It's very healthy to be able to express all this.

I am sorry that things didn't go better with your parents' visit. Lots of things you wrote struck a chord with me, but I wanted to comment on two in particular. First off, the heat. To me, that makes EVERYTHING worse. When the temperature is not a factor, I still struggle with eating better and exercising and maintaining a positive outlook. But when it's miserably hot, those things become nearly impossible. I hate it when it's so hot. I go into a kind of summer hibernation or state of lethargy. It makes it so hard.

Secondly, politics. I am totally with you. I really do not like to discuss it. If I'm with like-minded people then I can discuss it for a little while, but usually I'm with people who feel the opposite way, and they somehow all manage to suddenly sound like lawyers while I can't get my views across in a coherent way even though I feel strongly about them. I would much rather not discuss politics at all. But sometimes our relatives and friends don't let that happen!

Anyway, I my heart goes out to you for this post, and I hope that it doesn't take you too long to regain your equilibrium from all the stress you've had recently. I hope that this week is much better for you. Hang in there!

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