Monday, May 03, 2010
There are water restrictions in my area. This is because of a huge water main break in Weston. It's affecting 2 million people. It coincides with the first real heat wave of the year. It happened the day we ran the second 5K of the year. But I cannot see running right now. Because in order to get any water, you've got to boil it if it's not bottled. You should see the production line at my house. Pot, lid, every thermos, every jug, anything with a lid. The measuring cup with the funnel. Careful, don't spill it.
So, I need to run more. I know I need to, as the running parts of both 5Ks this year have had me laboring for breath, my chest hurting and stinging. But running isn't possible.
And don't tell me to go to my gym. They're under the water restrictions as well. Plus, well, I'm just blocked. I cannot and do not want to return there. Not now. It is not going to be a good thing to push me to go, so kindly do not.
Motivation is a tricky, elusive beast. And I know myself. If I am pushed too hard, it will retreat even further. It will hide away and cover itself with a veil.
So are you hearing me? If you want to tell me to go to the gym, tell someone else, okay? Because it will do damage here. Thank you for respecting that.
And I know, I know, I know. I don't need to hear it. I know what I need to do, what I SHOULD do, what would be a good idea, yadda yadda yadda, yeah, I get it. It is not information that I need. It is not that. You will think it is a thousand excuses, and you need to let me have them for now.
I need to regroup. And I need for you all to let me do that. Without the pushing. Without the call to go forth and do a lot of amazing things. Right now amazing is out of reach.
It is not that I am not doing anything. I ran two damned 5Ks in less than a month, for God's sake.
And I am walking, and doing ST every single day, like always. It is the going beyond that is elusive, so I am here at the minimum, living at this moment rather than at that one, the one with all of the extras.
I am reminded of the scene in the film "Office Space" where Jennifer Aniston gets fired. Her boss asks her, "What would you think of the person who only does the bare minimum?" And we are talking about a waitressing job, it's not like it's a major career for her or anything. She ends up flipping him off and leaving. And it's a little bit like that. Right now, I am going to do what, for me, is the bare minimum. Why? Because it's easy. And because it is ... what's the word? Sufficient. Sufficient means hanging around, more or less, at this weight and not losing for a while. It means taking a bit of a break from the hot and heavy treadmill.
Because, well, because I've been doing this for a few years already. I've had more than one person ask me if I'm on maintenance. No. Not really. I've got a good 35 plus to go or so. But right now I want to rest, and test the maintenance waters a tad. What is life like, to not be trying to lose? To be, well, just to be? Not to just hang around and do nothing. That, sadly, is not maintenance. That is, for pretty much all of us what we call, regaining. Regaining is not my intention here. I just want to coast a bit, let the really hard work go and see what happens.
Motivation may come back tomorrow. It may come back after vacation (coming in 10 days, thank God!). Or it may take longer than that. Yelling at it to come back, like a Drill Sergeant, is not going to do me any favors. It's time to nurture it. It's time for me to stop and take stock right now.
Monday, April 26, 2010
I, I just don't know these days any more.
I'm in a funk. It's a bad one.
I'm normally feeling good this time of year. It's Spring and, sure, my allergies are out in full swing, but there's light and warmth amid the rain and, well, it doesn't seem to be enough right now.
It's a bunch of things, and certainly one of them is being up 4 lbs. this week but that's not really it, not really. That's not the big thing.
One thing that is going on is that I'd normally blame this on TOM but there's been no TOM for some 6 weeks or so. Now, I knew this would happen at some point in time. And I'm 47 1/2 years old already. At some point, you drop the peri from perimenopause. Perhaps this is the start of that, but it's annoying as I'd lose the quick weight loss bounce (or at least the blame!) from TOM and I feel like I've got PMS 24/7. And that's not just fun for me, it's a delight for Mr. J, too, I'm sure.
I'm not so sure how I feel about all of that. I've never, really, wanted to be a mother, and I still have no such desires in that area. I am crazy maternal about a lot of younger people (usually guys, maybe I'm just a cougar, eh?), though, so there's an outlet for that. I suspect a part of it is what it really means: you can run, and you can try to hide, but the push from youth to middle age is going to happen. And for we oh so privileged women, we have a clearer delineation. Men can lie to themselves about it a lot longer. They don't have the epic demarcation.
And, it is, of course, the whole career thing. The decision on that job remains delayed. Apparently there are three of us in contention for it. One competitor and I have already interviewed. The last one interviews some time this week -- the recruiter thought it might be tomorrow but he was unsure. Hence I'm on tenterhooks even longer.
I have been feeling crazy ambivalent about it for the entire time, ever since I applied for it.
It's not what I want.
It's good money.
It's not what I want.
It's a convenient commute.
It's not what I want.
It's a good company.
It's not what I want.
I could keep my gym.
It's not what I want.
I could see Mr. J for lunch on occasion.
It's not what I want.
It's good for my resume.
It's not what I want.
The people are nice.
It's not what I want.
I could do some web development.
Well, that's something.
The agony of waiting and feeling weird about the whole thing has been slipping into my dreams. I've dreamt of abandoning people. I've dreamt of organizing mountains of stuff. I've dreamt of going to the wrong places. All of these dreams come served up with a nice dollop of guilt a la mode and a side of you-don't-know-how-good-you've-got-it.
I walk around (I've been avoiding/missing/not going to my gym, but I am still doing some things) and it dominates my thoughts. It lives and breathes in my consciousness. It has scooped out a big hole and taken up residence, tentacles and suckers and feeding off my emotions, which are crazy and mixed up because of what may be the end, the death, of the peri part of perimenopause.
In with all of this, I continue to work on my site, and I know I've been overly aggressive, and I know I'm being impatient and nuts but I want so badly for it to succeed. I have been in business for myself, once before, but it was over 20 years ago and I was doing freelance depositions. I hated it and didn't want to do it and was just going through the motions. Now it's different, and I am trying so hard and working seemingly all the time and it feels like nothing is coming of it. Now, I am well aware that these things take time and I am being crazy and nutty and ridiculous but at the same time my hormones and my thoughts and my jiggery insanity are saying, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
We're not, I'm not. No, no, no, a thousand times no.
And then there's -- ha, you thought I was done! No, no, no, gentle reader -- the month in review. I want to lay it out there quickly, remind myself that avoiding the gym is not such a hot idea.
Keister/Hip (on me these are the same these days) 41.75"
None of these are personal bests but they're all decent. Bra fit calculators are insane, though, showing me 38AA (huh?), 40D (uh, I USED to be that) and 38C (kinda, sorta, those seem to work).
Stinky. No other way to put it. Feeling weird and out of sorts, and not sleeping too well, will do that to you. I'm exercising anyway although I am staying away from the gym. Some of that is feelings/laziness, but there is another, practical reason, as I was feeling a pull in the left abs area and I'm trying to not aggravate/reinjure that. Hence there is a reason for pulling away that isn't just emotion-related. I did run a 5K recently, and did well. Another one is set for this Saturday. I love them and I will do them. But the euphoria, sadly, does not last.
Things fit just fine, weird bra calculators notwithstanding. I fit into everything I own except for one size 10 skirt which is kinda small because it's lined. I can zip it but it's tight across the, er, across what I have in common with J. Lo.
Well, you know it all. I don't know what I need, if it's a kick in the keister or a day in bed, but more likely it's just for time to pass. Patience is something that I have been practicing for so long that I'm fresh out. Sorry, no more for today. And I'm seeing that going around, my friends here in particular are tired, feel worn out and done even if they're not, impatient, impractical, imp imp impish, perhaps. Being out of sorts seems to be galloping through my networks, and not just here but on the site I manage, too, and among my fellow networkers. The area is poised to start hiring again, big time, but no company seems to want to go first.
Better idea: don't kick ME in the keister. Kick THEM.
Monday, April 19, 2010
This was another one of my famous patented mixed-up weeks. I began with another small gain. Eek, up almost 8 lbs. since the all-time low. Which was only 2 weeks earlier. Gawd.
Okay, regroup. Move on. Think happy thoughts.
We got your resume. Love your background. Come in and interview.
It's a Data Analyst job.
I swore I wouldn't be doing any more data analysis. Or at least no more as my primary function.
Ah, well, but we have a lot of $$ for you (I didn't tell them the part about not wanting to do DA work any more, of course. Mama didn't raise no foo'). And the location is perfect. And you've worked here before and the people are always nice. And Management is decent. And we want someone to do some Web Dev while they're at it.
Which is what I've been doing, and enjoying, and would definitely enhance the whole Social Media Specialist career I'm trying to start.
So, sure. We set it for Friday.
Tuesday was a wacky evening. I went to a networking event for Robotics. Now, I know diddly about the field, but every company needs some sort of social media marketing. I handed out business cards. I smiled at the earnest young men, all young enough to be my kids. I chatted amiably with the dude from the press (he actually had the best leads for me).
Wednesday was 2 more networking events. Cards leapt out of my hands. Oh, would you work freelance? Sure. Hmm.
Thursday was a lunch in Waltham. Lovely people. More cards. Steered clear of the cole slaw (it was a barbecue joint) in favor of salad and pulled chicken. Who needs dressing when you've got hot sauce? Talked to new friends and old, my weight loss came up. Was called "inspiring". Um, okay.
Friday. Interview. I think it went well. I should hear some time early this week. I am guessing Wednesday at the latest.
Then yesterday was the first 5K of the year. I ran it in 40:31. See: www.coolrunning.com/results/1
0/ma/Apr18_Luv2Ru_set1.shtml . Yes, kids, I was dead last. But I don't care. It was the first race of the year. I was hoping to break 50 minutes and I nearly broke 40. It was the second-best performance of my little ole racing career.
Oh and I'd lost 2 lbs. when I weighed in this morning.
What's next? Well, hearing about the interview, of course. Will I take it if offered? Yes. It's a 6-month contract so, unless I'm renewed (this company renews a lot, but you never, ever know), I'm back looking in October or November or so. In the meantime, more experience, more resume enhancement, more web development and more, well, cash.
And I'll keep going to whatever networking events I can, keep writing and pumping out articles, keep putting myself out there. The scattered business cards are like seeds. Some will find purchase in the soil. Many will not. But in the meantime, while I wait for my garden to grow, I water it and feed it -- and get my salads from Star Market.
I'll let you know either way about the interview. In the meantime, my next 5K is May 1st. :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Things are percolating along.
I do web development every blessed day now. No rest for the weary, no weekends off. Of course I've only been doing this for a couple of weeks. But it's a lot to do.
This is because - ha! - I have come to realize that, for the scope of my actual ambitions, I ned a staff of something like 50 people. Artists, designers, SEO (search engine optimization) experts, content managers and creators, web developers, PR people, a social media specialist to manage Twitter and Facebook (this is the actual job I am really looking for these days), etc.
I'm just one person.
So excuse me if I'm more than a little nutty. Or, at least, more than usual.
Although all this activity did give me one serious bounce: I had less time yesterday when I went to the Reservoir, so I ended up running about 1/3 or so of the time. And that lopped a nice 6 minutes off my 2.5K time. This is helpful as we have the first 5K of the year next Sunday. Eek. I am a lot less prepared than I was in October of last year, but I am infinitely better prepared than I was last June.
Hence I figure my time will not be super-fabulous but I am hoping to blow away last June (1 hour, 4 minutes and some miscellaneous seconds). I figure anything under 50 minutes will be great.
I also started up Pilates again. This is simple at-home stuff and focuses on the abs. My abs kill me while I do it. This is not because it's so hard; it's actually fairly gentle. That's more because of the continuing aftermath of surgery. But I'm improving.
Another recent idea is to get a kettlebell. I've been pricing them and like a particular 15-pounder on Amazon. I already have a good 35 pounds' worth of weights in here so that would up it to 50, although I wouldn't hold them all at the same time (it's not possible; no one's hands would be big enough). I'd also like to do the kettlebell kind of stuff where you really swing it around although I suspect, with my luck, it will fly out the window (thereby breaking said window), and then go sailing to the ground where it promptly clonks some random passerby in the noggin.
With my luck, this random passerby will be the Hiring Manager for some sort of major massively wonderful dream job I haven't even heard of yet. Hmm. I better wear the weight lifting gloves when I swing the kettlebell around (assuming I get it at all).
In other news, I'm waiting to hear whether I'm going to be interviewed for a particular job. Now, I wait to hear all the time, but this is something where the recruiter has called me regarding my application. Hence it's further along than most. This is a place where I used to work, it would be data analysis but they want someone with (aha!) web development experience, plus I have great internal references. I'll give the guy a day or so and then send an email or call.
It's not a perfect situation but it's a good/not bad one. Plus making some $$ for a while (it's a temp position) would be of use right now. In the meantime, networking goes on. And I have another date with the Reservoir today.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Okay, yeah, I know about the song.
I was actually considering a Gilbert and Sullivan version of it (parody of course), but that was getting even weirder. So here's the original. Slap on the headphones if you're at work. Unless you don't mind your boss giving you that look. You know that look, the one where the boss thinks, man, you're one weird employee.
Anyway, uh, where was I?
It's been an eclectic week. I've been working on my site a lot. Trying new things, adding pages, correcting things, working on design, etc. I've got a ton to do. I don't want it to look too amateurish. But at the same time, heh, I'm no web developer. But I'm realizing: I'm everything. Not just the developer even though I've never thought of myself that way. I'm also my own press agent, my own employment counselor, my own, God, everything.
So excuse me if I'm low on time.
Every day is a meeting. Or it's website work. Or blogging. Or networking. Or or or ....
This is why I'm going to contact my gym and tell them to suspend my membership. I'm just not going these days. Plus the weather is beautiful. Why stay inside and walk on a treadmill, when I'd rather walk around the Reservoir? Plus, unfortunately, getting to the gym is a three hour round-trip production when conditions are good. When they aren't, it's more like four. And I just can't afford that time right now. It's not that I don't want to exercise (although I've kept inside and rested recently because of the mega monster cold from hell which I'm only now finally getting over). It's that I need to make the best possible use of my time. And three or so hours on a bus or trolley is not it.
So, what else is happening? Oh, and why the song???
The song is because, and this is odd, I've been complaining lately that it hurts to sit on a hard chair or bench for too long, say, two hours or so. I mentioned this to Mr. J and he laughed and said, it's because I've lost much of my, ahem, padding. I look at myself, and I don't see it. And I'm a good 60 (yes, that number is correct) pounds heavier than I was in High School and I didn't feel this way. Something is happening. My body is reconfiguring again.
I had a good weight loss week last time, but this time it was abominable. I regained almost 7 pounds. Now, since I had lost 4 last week, I'm mainly just evening out. But it's still odd. And, heh, yeah, that comes with the, erm, sitting pain. My measurements have not changed significantly. Where am I keeping it all? Certainly not in my, ahem, back.
Perhaps I've got really beefy toes.
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