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Some Folks Trust to Reason

Monday, March 29, 2010

Oops, I owe you all a month in review post. In fact, I think I missed it last month.

Ah well.

Anyway, here goes.

This has been quite an eventful week in terms of numbers, even if it's been quiet as I'm still trying to get over a cold and now my husband is getting it, too. My main goal is to be well by Friday, when I am meeting with a serious work prospect. Now, don't get all hope-y. The prospect cannot pay me. This is, as they say, the ground floor of a startup. But it's a way to continue to enhance my presence and if it comes to something then it's a good thing. Plus, if nothing else, I need to be able to field such things.

But on to the numbers.


Oh.My.God. This morning: 173.4 lbs. I'm only .4 lbs. away from having lost half of my starting weight (yes, I have a song specially planned for that). Pretty amazing. This all happened in about 2 years, 2 and a half months or so. Not too shabby.

BMI is 28. And, I'm finally smaller than Mr. J. And so I hope we stay that way.


Happy news here, too.

Bicep: 12.5" (originally: 19") down 6.5"
Bust: 36.75"; 1/2" above personal best (originally: 55") down 18.25"
Band: 33.5" 3/4" above personal best (originally: 47.5") down 14"
Waist: 34" (originally: 49") down 15"
Belly: 36.25" (originally: 59.5") down 23.25"!
Butt: 41" 3/4" above personal best (originally: 64") down 22.25"!
Hip: 41" 3/4" above personal best (originally: 54.5") down 12.75"
Thigh: 19.25" 1/2" above personal best (originally: 32.5") down 13.25"

Average of all eight measurements: 15.66" off.
Average of six measurements (no bicep, no thigh): 17.58" off


These past two weeks are somewhat misleading due to my cold. I'm not sleeping too well and am headachey on and off so that's throwing everything off. But I'm spending a lot of time reading and learning. In some ways it's a good thing, as it's keeping me inside in order to do website work. I was able to go to the gym once last week and twice the week before. I had been going at a three times per week clip but that's not back yet. The gym is fine but not while I'm this sick. Plus I think I overdid it in the beginning of last week and feel I may have extended the cold accordingly. Feh!

Job Search

While it's not a part of my weight loss it does occupy a great deal of my head space so I suppose I should report on it. My two chief activities are networking and building a website. I am still reading about website building and right now networking is suspended until I'm better. Hence I'm back to job applications, which tend to be far lower margin affairs. Fortunately I have nothing specifically planned until Wednesday, which I can blow off if I have to, and Friday, which I really want to attend. Then next week I have doctor's appointments so, if I'm still sick, I can step up treatment. These are planned visits and just so happen to coincide with the cold. Oh and on Sunday we have Celtics tickets. :)

Other Health Issues

I think my surgery issues are more or less all resolved but it's hard to tell as I am taking OTC meds for my cold. These contain Tylenol so it's tough to say whether the Tylenol is only going to my headache or if it's hitting me where I had surgery.

My right breast still has the seroma and that does not appear to be going away. It might be smaller, but it's not easy for me to ascertain that as I look at it every day. My other issues are fine; wounds are all closed and scars are, well, they're no worse. I'll have scars forever; it's really just a question of them fading in time.

My abs are more or less resolved although I do still feel them when I get up from a prone position. I am back to situps and those are okay. At the gym, it was hard for me to use the ab machines. I'm not back to chest exercises yet as I still have the seroma. I'll ask the surgeon about it when I see him a week from today. I suspect I'll be able to go back to chest work but I want him to confirm that.


I've still got tons of reading to do and I've still got a cold. I know that building my own site is key for me getting the kind of work I really want. I am really hoping to have something up soon. Perfect? Of course not. It will be a work in progress for, for, well, potentially forever. But I want something up there already. Somewhere to point people to. Somewhere to call home. Content swirls around my head, and sometimes it butts up against design. And SEO seeks a place at the table as well.

It will be a LOT to do. I am going to be acting like my own development team, my own marketing team, my own PR team and my own writing team. The only one I really know how to do is the last one, and I have to be sure to not let it dominate everything else. What's the use of great content if no one sees it, or if the site is hard to use?

But I also feel this will be, ultimately, incredibly rewarding. Even if I don't see a dime from it. A site. Made by me. With my own grubby lil paws. My quirky self, all on display.

It must be the Nyquil talking.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEE-KNEE 4/4/2010 6:23PM

    Half your body weight, I am right behind you. I have a little over 2 more pounds to reach that. Feels good huh?

I am anxious to see your site. I like the silly graphing site that you previously sent me a link too. It made me laugh.

Hope you feel better soon.


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MITEJOE 4/1/2010 3:00PM

    You are doing great...keep up the good work!

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KUNGFOOD 4/1/2010 8:45AM

    Yay, you! I'm heading over to look at your site and agree wholeheartedly about Analytics. Anal-ytics. Hmm. Well, they *are* absorbing!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FIT_TERI 3/30/2010 5:01PM

    .4 lbs away. That is awesome!

I am glad your surgery related problems are mostly behind you, and I hope that last one clears up really soon. Then you can focus fully on regaining some of the muscle strength you've lost. Just imagine how fast those lbs will fly off then!

Your website sounds like a terrific idea. It's a big undertaking, as you know. But it will keep you busy. I've been afraid, when I have been out of work for several months, that if my mind isn't being challenged I might lose my "edge" (whatever's left of it anyway). I don't know if you have similar worries about that, but this endeavor will certainly keep your mind challenged!

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TRACYZABELLE 3/30/2010 3:27AM

    You are doing great girl! Keep up the good work

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CAROLISCIOUS 3/29/2010 9:48PM

    "Creative" grubby little paws, mind you! I'm very excited about your very own web site!

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KAYWEB555 3/29/2010 5:02PM

    Motivate me baby ! I'm so glad I stopped by to read your blog, I'm feeling so uch better because your doing so well. Keep up the hard work and once again. THANKS FOR THE BLOG !

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TELERIE 3/29/2010 4:32PM

    You're just so inspiring! Can't wait to see what you make with your grubby little paws! emoticon

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KSGROTHE 3/29/2010 2:37PM

    Your numbers look great! emoticon

Hopefully, you'll be over the cold soon. Otherwise, you sound very upbeat!

Keep up the good work! You're doing emoticon

- Karen

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MARCHMAID 3/29/2010 11:52AM

    An inspiring story continues! Keep on keepin' on! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SWEETZMIX 3/29/2010 11:52AM

    I do hope you feel better. I know your website will be up soon. It seems like just yesterday you told us you were going to go and have your surgery. I know you are not 100%, but in my mind I would of thought for your recovery to be slower. And .4 pounds away from losing half your weight. ummmm that is basically potty stuff. (I know, how gross!) But I know once you are no longer sick, you will be at your new milestone! HOW EXCITING!!

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MS.ELENI 3/29/2010 11:34AM

    Your own web site sounds awesome. Glad to hear you are healing well. Too bad you have the cold but that will end soon. Always enjoy hearing what you are up to. And you do sound like you feel much better. The right job will come your way.

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POETSNA1 3/29/2010 11:13AM

    Great job!

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My Life is One Big Adventure

Monday, March 22, 2010

Well, maybe.

But I won't know -- or at least you won't -- until I get it all online.

Huh? I hear you saying.


I've bought a half a dozen domains. Two are my name (variant spellings, e. g. with and without the hyphen in my last name). One is my userid on this site. Another is the name of my chief team on Spark. The other two involve results and effects. All are dot-coms.

I have zero content right now, so there's no reason to go and look. Nothing to see, nope.

But there will be,

See, I am looking for social media work. And I end up putting a huge number of links into any cover letter. And I finally realized -- duh! -- I'm giving Hiring Managers far too much to do. Better to just give them one link. This way, everything can be coherently organized. Plus I can (once I've figured out how to do what I need to do) show my stuff.

I am not intending to become a programmer or a web designer or developer but I am looking for a role whereby I can speak to such people intelligently. I figure that building my own site will do just that.

I spoke with a man who's successful in the Social Media space and he said he thought it was a good idea. It's a way to bring order to the party. It's a way to not just say I can do things, but to actually demonstrate that.

I have so much to learn. I have books on Web Analytics (I started this one first as it's the longest one), AdWords, Drupal and SEO. The HTML book is on its way. Hopefully the weather will get good again and I can sit on the front porch steps, read and take notes.

But even if the weather is lousy I will be reading and absorbing. Right now, it is very chicken and egg. Do this, oh, wait, first do that. No, this other thing. Which depends on the first one. And around and around we go.

But I've done the first part: parked the domains and paid for them and hosting.

Now onto method. Then comes content, although I already have ideas about that. Then design.

I like projects and this one is a beaut.

Will it get me work? I have no idea. But it's useful no matter what. And, yes, there will be a weight loss/Spark portion. And a blog. But no, I won't stop blogging here.

I guess I'd better go and rest -- a cold is coming on. Perhaps I will dream of cascading style sheets.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KUNGFOOD 3/27/2010 9:55PM

    Learning is good!

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TRACYZABELLE 3/25/2010 4:57AM

    Hope the cold blows itself away... and best of luck with your business

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CDNMSFIT 3/24/2010 9:52PM

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well.. I want to learn all that stuff too. I wish some things could just get uploaded to my brain - a usb port is needed, I guess. :)

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VALERIEMAHA 3/24/2010 9:09AM

    ...and again, I say AMAZING!

Keep us informed...and give us links to content!!!

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    I love that you are always creative about how you approach projects, from weight loss to finding work to skills building. Amazing

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NYAYNE 3/24/2010 8:16AM

    Great game plan. Please keep us posted on the progress.

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DDOORN 3/22/2010 10:48PM

    Hoping your efforts pay off...! Certainly must be keeping you hopping...taking care of all of this...!


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MS.ELENI 3/22/2010 7:36PM

    I am sure you will get it all figured out and be successful. Too much brain strain for me but I know you will do it

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JPANESE 3/22/2010 4:20PM

    Good Luck! I'm sure you will come up with something great! Visualize your end result and you will eventually arrive.


Great oaks from tiny acorns grow!

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IM_GETTIN_THIN 3/22/2010 4:20PM

    kewl! that is like my dream job. good luck to you. emoticon

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MARCHMAID 3/22/2010 4:08PM

    Sounds productive. I'm not sure what social media is exactly--this? : )

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SWEETZMIX 3/22/2010 2:38PM

    Feel better. hmm I will be curious to see what you come up with when you are done.

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When You're Alone and Life is Making You Lonely You Can Always Go

Monday, March 15, 2010

We were watching public television the other night and there were musical acts from Ed Sullivan. And I was reminded of how much I like today's song. And thinking about, it held more resonance for me. It means more now.

I just need the city. I can't explain it; I suspect people who need the country or the mountains or the sea have similar feelings. But I've got to have buildings and concrete. It doesn't mean that I don't like green. Hell, I garden. But I guess I need the excitement.

Several years ago, I worked in voice recognition, doing research. It was an interesting job and the people were amazing (I'm still friends with, still in touch with, almost all of them and it's been over 5 years since we all worked together). But it was in Burlington, Mass. This isn't exactly the sticks (the Bedford Air Force base is maybe two exits away on Route 128) but being away from Boston was maddening.

Hence I've got to have, well, Boston, specifically, for work. I can work from home (if I can find such a sweet gig) but still need to be able to get in every now and then, no matter what the reason is. Any job I take must have Boston or its immediate environs (e. g. Cambridge or Brookline or Newton) attached to it.

This is a part of what had been bothering me when I was really in nasty shape -- being kept at home and away from it all. Don't get me wrong, I like a rest like everyone else does, plus I'm not exactly a party gal. It's not for the bars or the culture. Just to be there.

So I went today.

And, as importantly, I went to the gym.

First time since two days before surgery. Six (yes, you read that right) weeks AFTER I'd originally thought I'd be back. But I went. I was there for the full hour, and did my usual stuff. But I lifted 30 lbs. instead of 40, and went on the treadmill only up to 2.7 MPH, not the 4 and 5 MPH I've done before. Smaller weights on the machines. Oh, and the ab roller thing? Not 140 or so reps. More like 45. Oof.

But I went, despite my less than perfect abs. Despite the pouring rain seeping ever more quickly into our basement. Despite the time change making me want to stay inside and just do crossword puzzles all day long.

I went.

Did you?

So maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares ....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARTINT011 4/5/2010 9:29AM

  For me it is Chicago! And I love going on the El or a train too. Brings back memories when I lived in the Suburbs and went Downtown it was so exciting! Thanks for the Blog about going to the gym too. emoticon

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IM_GETTIN_THIN 3/20/2010 11:11AM

    I am proud of you for getting in your exercise despite all you are going through. that is emoticon

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KAYWEB555 3/17/2010 11:05AM

    Way to go, right back at It !

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FIT_TERI 3/16/2010 9:06PM

    Good for you getting to the gym. OK, so maybe it's later than you planned and maybe you're not at the level you were when you left. You could mope about it or do something about it. And, of course, you have chosen to do something about it.

I, too, like the city energy, though I don't really want to live in it. I get to go to NYC whenever I want to....sometimes more often than I want to, but that's work related. I love visiting other cities and just got my DH to agree to a vacation in *gasp* a city - San Francisco. I think a weekend in Boston should be next. emoticon

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SWEETZMIX 3/16/2010 9:09AM

    I haven't gone to the gym in forever. Was doing some workouts at home and walking outside. I dunno, why though? Maybe I am bored of my gym, tired of it, or the need to just be outside.

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    Nice. You are my most city mouse buddy these days. I like to think of you walking those sidewalks and choosing to let the bus go by. I grew up in Manhattan. No wonder I am a country mouse today. Boston seems more livable and you make it sound appealing. Congrats on your return to the gym. Won't be long before you are passing your old numbers by.

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AFM-SPARK 3/16/2010 12:10AM

    Downtown is one of my favorite songs from when I was a child. I just had to post it on my FaceBook.


Comment edited on: 3/16/2010 12:10:24 AM

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CAROLISCIOUS 3/15/2010 10:49PM

    I did go...tried to talk myself out of it...but I went. Glad to hear you are progressing in the right direction.

I'm a wide open spaces kinda' long as the mall isn't too far away.

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MS.ELENI 3/15/2010 10:13PM

    You must be really healed to do all you do. I wish you could send me some of your motivation. You are always such an inspiration. It sounds like Boston is home sweet home for you. I would not want to live in a city or country.Outskirts of small town are for me. I like having a 7-11 up the street.

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DDOORN 3/15/2010 8:29PM

    The time change and other niggly things got me today...back at it tomorrow!

I am a fan of ctiies spending time in the country, but really like the walkability / bikeability of the city.


Comment edited on: 3/15/2010 8:30:33 PM

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MARCHMAID 3/15/2010 5:35PM

    I went out walking in the wind first thing this morning and went to my Pilates class. Not heavy duty, but I was there!

Glad you're back in step--sort of.


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VALERIEMAHA 3/15/2010 4:04PM

    *My* downtown would be The City by the Bay, as San Francisco is known. And WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! this California girl now lives in central Arkansas!!!!!! How did THAT happen, you ask? Well it's the *R* word (hint: 12 letters). AND the *R* is over but I continue to dwell *in the middle of nowhere!* Somethun's wrong with THAT picture, eh, and I just had to vent...since YOU brought it up!

However, I am FINALLY beginning to bloom where I'm planted...for now anyway...after 12 years of digging out alternative resources and friends here in the middle of the Bible the Little Rock Ecumenical Buddhist Society for instance...and the two groups of friends...Sisters of the New Moon and gatheirng to work Connie Kaplan's The Invisible Garment together.

Going back to university has also helped since I closed the Helping Hands Across the Americas project which has resulted in more time on my hands. And intermittantly heading to northern California or Hawaii or Ecuador to rendezvous with the lion's share of my friends helps too.

Oh, the gym, you say? Yeah, yeah. Need to get back into that habit. And I DON'T have a legit excuse like you! Your commitment and diligence is a wonderful model of where I'd like to go...and WILL GO!

In solidarity,

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Sometimes You Keep Busy Reaching Out for Something

Monday, March 08, 2010

I've had an odd week, and I'm trying to process it and make it coherent so here goes.

Last week, I had a meeting with a potential employer-type person. Well, he has no job. But he did buy me lunch.

Sigh. Story of my life these days. Seems like there's interest but it's not going anywhere.

Hence I've got to (a) get more proactive and do a lot more networking and (b) take some sort of classes. I've often had good luck getting work after getting more education. Seems silly as I've already got a dang doctorate, but there you have it.

In the networking department, I'm trying to attend more things and also have reached out to another dozen people to see if I can have meetings with them. At a certain point, it will become not so financially viable for me to do such things. But that time has not yet arrived. It's only coffee. I'm also being far more selective. The less driving (and parking fees) I do, the better, and the fewer lower margin people I meet, the better. Of course I don't always know who can do the most for me, but I'm trying to at least prioritize my time better. And that means meeting people who are somehow connected to companies or jobs I'd like. There's time enough to meet other people -- right now I have to concentrate and try to make it all count.

Plus this week is nuts. Today I went to the doc's (I don't have to go back until April 5th -- my right breast is still not, heh, optimal, but it's better and should be improved by then). Tomorrow I have a breakfast (I won't eat there) meeting with people I used to work with, mainly it's for moral support. Tomorrow night is Tech Tuesday techtuesday030910.eventbrite.
. Wednesday morning is Cambridge Open Coffee (those are the people I owe $5 to)
. Wednesday night is Mass Innovation Night
(my Twitter ID is @shrinkingjes, listed there). Thursday for lunch I'll see two guys I worked with at a different company. And Friday is the Community Roundtable

Next week will be personal meetings as Tech Tuesdays are monthly and Mass Innovation and Community Roundtable are every other week (plus I won't see my doc for a while, and the former coworker meetings aren't regular events), so next week I'll just have Cambridge Open Coffee.

I figure I'll bombard the world with my resume and my business cards and my networking profile.

Pity the printer has decided it's time to die.

Perhaps Mr. J and I will spend the weekend printer shopping. I'm okay for now, and I can order cards from if I absolutely have to -- it's just an expense I didn't want, particularly seeing as the printer is going to be an expense anyway.

The training will most likely happen here:

As for my weight loss journey, suddenly it's going well again. I continue to bloat up every time I even think about salt (and, since surgery, the bloat is all in that area -- feels like I'm wearing a corset -- most uncomfortable), but the acid reflux seems to be gone and I'm back to lifting 30 lbs. and have even returned (with my doctor's blessing) to situps. All that's left to get me back to my previous level of conditioning/working out is to up the weights to 40 lbs. (in a few weeks or so), go back to chest exercises (won't do that until the last of the wounds are healed, but I'm down to only 2 band-aids, yay!), return to my gym (ditto) and start running again (ditto again).

So -- after all of this semi-coherence -- what the heck does the song have to do with anything?

It's, well, it's about focusing. I am focused, I suppose, on my weight loss again. It was a long time there where I was fully absorbed in my recovery. Understandable, as things were distressing and they hurt. But that seems to finally be subsiding so it's time to turn toward kicking off the final 31 lbs.

And the focus is on the job search as well. I am not in too much active pain and things are covered up enough and even enough that I don't spend all of my time worrying about being lopsided or something moving out of place. And at least, thank God, I finally know what I really want.

I have online community management experience. I blog, I tweet. I have been online in some capacity for over a decade. It's about time I did it all as a career.

So what do I want to be when I grow up?

A Social Media Specialist/Expert/Manager.

There are jobs out there. I know there are. If I focus in like a laser beam, I will get one.

As is said at the end of the first (yeah, it's the fourth, A New Hope, but it's the first one that came out, so sue me) Star Wars film, when Luke is aiming at the special little place on the Death Star, the dispatcher or maybe it's the squad leader keeps repeating, "Stay on target. Stay on target."

And so I shall, and in both aspects of my life, no matter how dull or discouraging they can get. And we all know that they indeed can.

Stay on target. Stay on target.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MS.ELENI 3/10/2010 5:54PM

    You are going to be just fine.You are doing all the right things and you will find the right job for you.Sounds like you are also healing more everyday. It will all work out. You can do anything emoticon

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TELERIE 3/10/2010 10:00AM

    I know you'll find something and they shall be lucky to have YOU on their staff. I like what Queen and Marchmaid suggests about volunteering and networking through that and focusing a bit on FUN too. Best of luck on healing and working back to your old workout program. You inspire me!

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KUNGFOOD 3/10/2010 7:28AM

    Gotta keep on keepin' on! Staying focused is a challenge... do you suppose your weight loss journey contributed to the focus you're martialing?

Congratulations on continued positive health improvements. I'm sure that in all this uncovering-the-new Jes that there is a new employment challenge waiting for you.

Love the links!

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MARCHMAID 3/9/2010 10:01PM

    I'm in agreement with the Queen. As the economy rises, your boat will float. In the meantime, as a lifelong volunteer (out of choice and good fortune) I recommend the idea. Something out of your usual area but using your skills. My brother in law retired (a business owner/computer maven) and now volunteers with the Red Cross traveling all over the place, unsalaried but fulfilled and benefiting--I think they pay his travel.

Anyhow, think outside that box some more. Focus is fine but fun is finer.

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    There is no doubt in my mind that you take every action that is conceivable to take good care of yourself and to land a meaningful and rewarding job. I know it must be frustrating now but you are going to nail rewarding work just as you have nailed every other important aspect of your life. I am curious if it is possible to do consulting in your field just to keep the cash flow moving and also to bring networking to a different direction? Also curious if it would be worth while volunteering a few hours a week or a month for an organization that deals with weight loss issues or fitness issues like the American Diabetes Association or similar? You could increase your network through the board members of such orgaizations while making a valuable contribution.

Anyhow darlin, one thing I hope for you is that when you are not working your butt off to find a meaningful job that you get to enjoy some of your time off right now. What an amazing opportunity you have. Because of course as the economy improves your skills are going to be in demand again very soon and in some ways this time in your life is going to be a rare break from your working life.

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DDOORN 3/8/2010 10:08PM

    Keep looking, keep'll find your niche!


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CAROLISCIOUS 3/8/2010 9:58PM

    Your blog made me grateful I have a job. Thanks, I needed that. Here's hoping you find your dream job. Stay on that movie.

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IM_GETTIN_THIN 3/8/2010 5:28PM

    do or do not.................there is no try :) emoticon

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EMMASMART 3/8/2010 3:40PM


I'm still alive. I am exhausted reading about your schedule. I am mostly work on Church stuff and that's okay by me. I'd love to have actual work. I love your new job title that would be an awesome job for your funny geeky self. I have an interview for a job that I have been being talked to about since September. It's farrrr from the house. So I dunno.

I hope you continue to do great. If you go to some printer stores and bring the dead printer with you, they give you $50 back. Staples for example. Just saying.

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SWEETZMIX 3/8/2010 3:30PM

    Werd we will be staying on target. Whoo Hoo to 2 band-aids! Printers nowadays aren't super expensive, so maybe you guys can get one at a good price.

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In the Thickening of Fear/Well the Dream Burned Up

Monday, March 01, 2010

This blog entry is going to be kind of all over the place because of a number of things that have been happening lately. Hence the two songs (the other link will be near the end of the entry).

The week started off with me black and blue and with a hugely distorted right breast. It hurt. It felt like an egg or half of a tennis ball was hiding under there. On Monday I saw the doctor, he aspirated some blood out with a needle and we talked about next steps. The blood was, not to be too gross about it, a dark purple. A plum, a puce, blue-violet and crepuscular.

And it was just going to hang around unless we did something about it. So he proposed, essentially, vacuuming out the hematoma. OOookay. He gave me a prescription for Valium and told me to take that and Oxycodone, then come over in the morning. Fortunately, this was done at the Brighton office so I just walked over. And, well, that was quite an experience. I was awake during the entire time, but, after he gave me some Novocaine, I didn't feel a blessed thing, except I was a tad loopy. We (he, the physician's assistant and I) had a lovely conversation about, er, something. I have no idea what, possibly it was about Cape Cod now that I think about it.

He took out about 100 cc of stuff (hard to say exactly how much as he was also hydrating at the same time). He put in a straightforward little drain and sewed it in place. Watching and listening to such things, particularly when you are doped up, is, like I said, an experience. He told me, just keep expressing out the fluid, change the dressing whenever you think you need to, see you in a few days. The assistant kindly drove me home.

Well. I've been through all kinds of wacky things now but the drain seems to have freaked me out more than anything else. I guess it's because I can see it and feel it. That night, I had a meltdown (hence the first song for today's selection).

I felt awful. I was scared. Things still felt huge and hard and painful. Still bruised. Still angry. Plus I had a drain sticking out of me. Nothing felt right. All I could think was, what the f*** have I done to myself? How stupid I've been. What vanity! I'm being punished for being vain and foolish and overly grasping. How wrong. How painful. How deserving I am of such horrible things.

My husband stood back and kind of let me go at it. His main comment was, I'm kind of surprised you haven't melted down before. And he was right. I've tolerated a lot. And perhaps this was a small thing, but it was that final straw.

The next day, I saw the doctor again. His first move was to write me a prescription for a painkiller called Ultram (Tramadol). This was/is more heavy duty than the Tylenol I'd been taking, but wouldn't constipate (er, sorry for the TMI) me like the Oxycodone does. Hallelujah. He also explained that I really have to express the stuff out, and it won't happen overnight. But it will.

Okay. I was better. I could handle it.

So I went home and did as told. Every time I worked out with weights, I'd stick my arm over my right breast. Extra 20 lbs. on top. Push down. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This morning, I saw him again, and we agreed that things have improved considerably. The purple is gone, replaced with (more TMI) yellow, not only in terms of what is, er, coming out, but also in terms of the look of the overall bruise. My right breast is no longer an inch and a half bigger than my left -- it's about the same.

Tomorrow, the drain comes out. The surgical binder is off. My navel is healed, plus I can start ab exercises next week. This is all in time for Wednesday. I'll elaborate on that in a moment.

Because now it's time to talk about the other piece, the other song.

I interviewed for what was essentially my dream job on January 28th. Yes, I was bandaged up when that happened. The interviewers pronounced my story "inspiring". Uh, okay.

And then I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

And today I finally received word that, yes, my story is still inspiring. But they gave the job to someone else.

I wrote back and asked about where the disconnect was. After all, I want to learn from the experience. If they tell me, great. If not, shrug, that's okay.

If it had been early February, I suppose I'd be a lot more upset about the whole thing. I'd be angry and saddened and depressed. But I'm not. It just dragged on for so long that I realized, independently, that they were doing whatever they could to find someone else. And so they did. And that's that.

One of the reasons I had wanted this one so badly was because it was Community Management (which I've been doing as a volunteer for 7 1/2 years) for a healthcare company. The whole wellness vibe fit in so nicely with my health and weight loss journey. Plus -- and here it's going to look odd, but I'll explain it in a moment -- I didn't have to say I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Huh? You say. Well, I'll explain. The Michael Bolton reference is to a film called "Office Space". In it, there is a character named Michael Bolton (not the singer). The guy's a pasty white software engineer who loves gangsta rap music. But they're having layoffs at the company. And so, in order to try to keep his job, he not only compromises, he completely and thoroughly subsumes himself in order to, he thinks, get on the good side of the outside consulting firm hired to perform the layoffs. He says he likes the music. He is laid off anyway.

And, for me, a lot of my job interviews -- hell, MOST of them -- have involved my having to say I liked the music. This one was one where I didn't have to. I didn't have to give up myself. I didn't have to pretend I was someone who I'm not. But I know that there are other places where I don't have to say I like the music. It does not have to be that way.

And the dream which burns up is something of a false one, I feel. Dreams shouldn't be quite so flammable. And so, Phoenix-like, a new one rises from the ashes.

I have a lunch meeting on Wednesday, for a possible job. And so the new dream will begin. And I'll be damned if I tell him I like the music -- but I don't think I'll have to.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEE-KNEE 3/6/2010 3:59AM

    I bet a better job is around the corner. The surgery stuff doesn't sound like much fun. Hopefully you are done with all that soon. Hope you feel better this month.


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FIT_TERI 3/2/2010 2:13PM

    I'm sorry you didn't get the dream job. But, as you say, a new dream will take its place. And, damn, you're going through a lot related to your surgery. I can definitely understand you reaching your breaking point. But you know, like QUEENOTHEFOREST said, you've done this for your health - both physical and mental. You've worked so hard, and you deserve to get everything you want out of this journey. I hope you've really turned a corner with the complications and have smooth sailing ahead.

Comment edited on: 3/2/2010 2:13:35 PM

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    Oh My Dear! What a time you are having. First of all I think you were brave and smart to deal with the surgery. And by coincidence my massage therapist told me that the type of surgery you had (a mutual friend also had it) is absolutely necessary because yeast infections can get into the folds of the skin that are created by significant weight loss. So don't go calling that vanity. It was healthy. And you are getting healthier every day and this was part of your journey. And don't forget that drugs, constipation and infection all contribute to the blues. You are brave and spunky and totally entitled to a melt down. I love your husband by the way.

And the job. What a smart attitude. It is so danged hard to be authentic when you also have to sell yourself. But you are so right. Ultimately you will be happier if you are really comfortable in your role. At least 90% of the time anyhow. Sending loving kindness to you. And kisses on your head since I don't want to squeeze your sore spots in a hug.

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CAROLISCIOUS 3/1/2010 9:45PM

    So sorry about the dream job, hunny. But you are right...let the new dream begin.

Glad to know the medical mess will soon be behind you. No need to beat yourself up about choosing to have plastic surgery. Complications happen with all types of surgeries. You aren't being punished.

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TELERIE 3/1/2010 5:29PM

    Oh Janet, so sorry! Both on the job issue and that your healing takes longer with more complications than anticipated. I think I would have had a melt-down a lot sooner.
It sounds like you're on the mend though - glad you have a caring husband too.
I think you deserve a job where the music YOU come up with is appreciated. I know it's out there! I for one really really like your music. Keep being you!

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NYAYNE 3/1/2010 3:26PM

    Wow, I'm glad you are on the mend. Too bad about the job. Hope they tell you why they didn't give it to you.

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MARCHMAID 3/1/2010 3:15PM

    March to your own drummer, sweetie, and if you don't like their music drown 'em out! The best is coming. Gotta be, 'cause you deserve it.

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SWEETZMIX 3/1/2010 3:04PM

    Everything will work out. I say the same as I continue on my job search. And even though I have some promising things, I try not to think about it b/c nothing has materialized yet. Sorry to hear about all the medical drama you have been going through. I would of been a hot mess too! I get scared when I see a new mole, so you can imagine.

Take Care

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MS.ELENI 3/1/2010 3:04PM

    It sure does seem like you are having a harder time than you should.But it does sounds like it is getting better.Just hang in there.This will soon just be a bad memory.
As for the job.It wasn't meant to be. A better job is awaiting you.

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KARBIE18 3/1/2010 2:28PM

    So sorry to hear you didn't get the job, but very glad to hear you're finally starting to heal. That would have scared the crap out of me. I DEFINITELY would have melted down sooner!

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