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I Wish I Had a River

Thursday, December 25, 2008

No talking, just a concert.

Happy Holidays, everyone. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 12/26/2008 10:02AM

    Thank you! We spent it scraping the walls in the exercise room. :)

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KUNGFOOD 12/25/2008 6:33PM

    Hope it was the bestest ever!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BLUEINKPEN 12/25/2008 5:29PM

    Merry Christmas!

Comment edited on: 12/25/2008 5:30:16 PM

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Tell Your Friend Veronica

Tuesday, December 23, 2008
It's the third night of Chanukah tonight. And, it's time for the month in review.

Measurements (as of yesterday)

* Bicep 13.25" up .25" My highest was 19", overall I'm down 5.75"
* Bust 45.25" up .75" My highest was 55", overall I'm down 9.75"
* Band 37.75" down .25" and a new Personal Best!!! My highest was 47.5", overall I'm down 9.75"
* Waist 38.25" up .25" My highest was 49", overall I'm down 10.75"
* Belly 40.75" down 2.75" and a new Personal Best!!! My highest was 59.5", overall I'm down 18.75"!!!
* Rear 49.75" up .25" My highest was 64", overall I'm down 14.25"
* Hip 44.75" up .25" My highest was 54.5", overall I'm down 9.75"
* Thigh 24.25", the same as last week. My highest was 32.5", overall I'm down 8.25"

Overall average loss for all eight measurements: 10.875"
Overall average for the six main measurements (not the bicep or the thigh): 12.17"

Some time in early 2009, I am guessing before the year is a quarter over, my average overall loss for all eight measurements will be over a foot.


Currently 233.8. Not too shabby. I had a lot of yo-yo plateauing going on last month and that may or may not have stopped. It's not so much due the seasonal foods (I hardly eat any) but probably more to do with the disruptions in the routine, plus my own feelings.


I've been like a fiend for a while now. With snow on the ground I've been going out any day I want cardio, which is every day but Sunday. Even with a day of rest I'm still burning up calories and have already burned over half of what I need to do for the week. It's only Tuesday. Over the Winter break I'll continue to shovel, plus we'll be painting. Variety in cardio is a good thing even though these are essentially just chores. The painting will be of my exercise room so the motivation is to make it something serene and pleasing to me.

I'm also going over to look at a gym this week if I can spare the time and if they're open. Of course they will try to sell me a package but I am nervous even though I know it won't be too costly. I just hate the idea of paying for something I won't use, and I have no idea how much I'd be using the facilities. It is a nice idea but I do not respond well to pressure and that goes double this time of year. We shall see.


Not so hot. This is only the second day of lightening after the solstice and skies have been either clear and frigid or a grisalle (look it up; it's a French word that essentially means grayscale). Work is getting me down, big time. At this time of year, I always take stock and, frankly, I am bored silly. I should not have the kind of time I have, to devote to Facebook, Spark and my site, all during work. That's crazy. Even when I am busy, it's either tinged with a lot of stress or dull. I am tired and unhappy, let's face it. But I am stuck for any number of reasons, one of which is the economy and another big one is the fact that I haven't even been there for 6 months yet. I know that my boss realizes that this is dull as dishwater and she promises that eventually I'll be moved to something else. But what? Who knows.

Everything else is also kind of blah but that's probably more a function of my mood than of the blahness creating/promoting my mood. E. g. the blahness is caused by my mood, rather than the mood being caused by blahness. I am looking forward to time off. While very little exciting is planned (we are going to NY at the end of the break, to see my in-laws and my sister-in-law will come with her family, but we will also be seeing a friend who's getting a divorce so that's fraught with issues. Plus eating there is extremely tricky for me), it will still be better than endless, mindless data loading.

One thing we will do over the break is begin to plan our May vacation. That will help to sustain me.

In all, I'm doing all right, and one of the main things is finding a lot of good fitness opportunities. I know the mood will lift, but it hanging around a lot lately.

Shoo, bad mood, go away. Fly away. If only it were so simple.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANARO 12/28/2008 11:00AM

    WOW. I seem to spend all my time reading my friend's blogs and saying "wow!", but this is REALLY a wow. You have done so well. All right, that was the final push. I've been saying for half an hour now "in a few minutes my daughter and I are going mall walking" (because it's waaaay too cold for me to go outside...anything below 65 is WAAAAY too cold for me!)...but now I'm really going to get away from this computer and DO it! BYE!

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JESPAH 12/24/2008 8:38AM

    Hey, sweetie, thanks for dropping by.

It was a nice gym but there was no one there but me and the dude showing me around. Then again, it was 2 days before Xmas and about 330 PM at a place that caters about 99% to commuters.

It was very clean, lots of nice equipment, little touches like, heh, an ironing board and iron in the locker room. I suspect I will do it, after the start of the year (I don't think I'll be going downtown at all until after the break). Even if I only use it once/week, that works out to less than $7/visit, Cheaper than the movies. :)

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SWEETZMIX 12/23/2008 3:21PM

    Blah, Blah, Go AWAY!! I hope you feel better and don't be nervous about the gym. I was nervous when I joined the gym last year. Just a wreck, but I got one and stuck it out. It took a month or two to be comfy there but now I love it!! Also yeah in NY it can be tricky for ya to eat. But if you are coming to the city, NYC, many places have their cals posted. But not all. Either way, I hope you enjoy yourself!!

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JESPAH 12/23/2008 10:47AM

    Oh I definitely have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I am awaiting my Chanukah present to myself, AKA a full-spectrum light. St. John's Wort is my friend. :)

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CAREWREN 12/23/2008 10:40AM

    Great statistics, progress and current state! Good for you!

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KARBIE18 12/23/2008 10:20AM

    So glad to hear you're doing so well on your fitness quest. You're kicking butt! Hope your blahs take a hike very soon. Could you possibly have seasonal affective disorder? Are you like this every winter?

Anyway, enjoy the rest of your Hanukkah.


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The More I See, the Less I Know

Friday, December 19, 2008

I love this song, plus today is the first big snowfall of the year for Boston. A foot or more is expected. Guess how I'm going to get my cardio today.

I took the half day off (I only work half days on Fridays) because I was supposed to have a mammogram and then have lunch with a friend who also writes. But both the hospital and the friend cancelled so I ran errands. Two big boxes were shipped West. A check was deposited. Food was purchased, but I did not see my friend, who seems to be on some new schedule that I don't know. Ah well, I had wanted to wish him a Happy Holidays. I suppose I'll see him sometime and then just ask how they were.

I came home and ordered a bunch of stuff online. I was given a laptop at work this week and it's heavy. The office does not supply a case so I bought one. Since I could pick (and I had a good Amazon gift certificate), I got myself a black leather case with a shoulder strap. It looks very feminine and I could use it as a regular briefcase even without the PC. Plus I picked up some smaller clothes and a lot of groceries we needed.

Last weekend, I got a few armloads of 16s and 14s from a friend of a friend, so in turn I cleaned out my own closet. Hence the two big boxes. The woman I got these clothes from is a petite, though. Even though my legs are short they are not short enough for me to really be a petite. Right now I'm wearing capri pants over boots. It works.

What may be obvious between the lines is that I am doing somewhat better. All week I was extremely tightly wound at work, though. We have a long break coming up (and I haven't had this kind of a year-end break since I was in school) and there was talk of work over it. After a lot of agita that was finally resolved in favor of no work being done over the break except for what's needed in order to make the application usable in 2009. Plus a DBA will be on call (and hopefully won't have to work) in case anything goes truly kerflooey.

As the week went on, I felt better but for the first couple of days I was really snapping at people. I was not a fun person to be around. It just happens. I know it's coming but I just don't seem to care, and I let it fly. It is not something I am proud of. It is, well, it's me. That part exists, too. No sense in stuffing it under a rug. It's not all sunshine and roses. Sometimes, it's just -- I'm just -- not going to be anyone or anything you'd call great.

And hey, like I said, that happens.

I think a slice of this journey is loving yourself, but also recognizing that sometimes you're just not that lovable. And that's okay. The trick, I think, is to not let those moments drag you down into oblivion and into despair and into what you once were.

It is not all black and white, up and down, on and off, good and bad. It's mixed, and you're mixed, and I'm mixed and all God's chillen are mixed. And if you go through your life thinking that things will always be wonderful when you've gotten thinner, I've got news for you. You'll still see death. You may see divorce. You'll still have times when you're broke, or angry, or depressed or helpless.

And that's all because, during your fat, fatter, fattest moments, you had times when you were rich, or happy, or upbeat, or powerful. You had days of love and strength and beauty. These moments, these days, are not married to your size. But they're not wholly unrelated. I mean, let's be realistic here. Most people who are smaller and can get around more readily tend to feel better. So I think you're loading the dice in favor of happiness and good times as you get more and more healthy.

I think the idea is, load those dice. Put your, heh, put your thumb on that scale. Lobby in your body for health. Make all roads lead to Healthyville and you'll find yourself traveling through Happinessland, too.

In the meantime, the darkest of the dark days is almost here. One of the things I ordered for myself is a full-spectrum light. Of course it won't be here for the solstice, but it'll be here afterwards, and I can use it for next year's solstice. And for this year's, I'll keep my head together and think of the days to come.

Come to decide that the things that I tried
Were in my life just to get high on
When I sit alone come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time

Step from the road to the sea to the sky
And I do believe it, we rely on
When I lay it on come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 12/23/2008 8:08AM

    Thank you.

I'll Google it.

Sumith, have I told you recently how lucky your wife is?

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KUNGFOOD 12/23/2008 5:16AM

    Great post! I love it, and you are such a good writer.

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SUMITH2008 12/23/2008 2:36AM

    While things in life is not always rosey, we do have choice to avoid the things that tick/piss us off. While we all lose our temper, its important to try to control those negative feelings and how we project it. Are you familiar with "The Noble Eightfold Path"? Google it sometime its worth reading if you haven't.

You said, sometimes your not lovable... Eh i love ya all da time my friend Jespah! That's why i keep coming back to read your blogs and thoughts.. Because your a wonderful person and i respect your thoughts and what you have to share with us. Take it easy my friend and Keep up the good work!

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JESPAH 12/22/2008 8:53AM

    The gal's a petite, though, so the pants are a lil short. I am so past the point of caring when it comes to transitional clothes, I've gotta say. :)

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EMMASMART 12/22/2008 12:27AM

    I love that you got a couple of boxes of clothes. That is soo cool.


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And the Feeling That it's All a Lot of Oysters, But no Pearls

Monday, December 08, 2008

February is colder, and January is snowier, but December takes it for Seasonal Affective Disorder. And that may seem to be nuts when you think about it, because January has its share of dark days, too. But December has more of them. The last 20 days of December are the 20 darkest days of the year, plus for the first 20 days of December the amount of light is declining and declining and declining. So they are hard.

A lot of people look forward to holidays now, but Chanukah (even though it's one of the only holidays we actually do celebrate) is not a big deal by the time you become an adult (plus the traditional foods are all fried, so they ain't happening this year). Xmas, well, it's not my thing, and it won't become my thing. As a Jew, I suppose by definition I am a nonconformist of sorts and this time of year brings that out in spades. It all (I don't mean Xmas, I mean this time of year) ... and this is not meant to offend anyone; it just is what it is ... annoys me. I suspect a lot of that has to do with the airwaves having been taken over since Halloween. Ai yi yi.

In news that's more germane to SP, I had a small loss this week but have been kicking around the same 5 pounds since November 10th. And I know that this is a part of how I'm feeling, even though my measurements have improved. I've got new personal bests in my bicep, band, waist and hips. And those are all great accomplishments as I hurtle closer and closer to a size 16.

But it's not fair, as the scale is king when it comes to this. And so, while I appreciate being smaller, I'd like for the scale to agree with that assessment. I know, too, that the scale not moving, for me, has a lot to do with stepping up the exercise. Once my body gets the muscle built from this extra exercise, I'll start to drop again. It is discouraging, though. I was averaging 11 pounds lost per month (not unheard of on alli) and now to be going at less than half that pace (and I am well aware that others go slower, and this is not a race), well, it's less than optimal. I know that the way I am feeling is fueling this attitude, which is fueling my emotions and around and around we go.

Medicating yourself with exercise only goes so far. Adding in St. John's Wort, eating more mushrooms and in general eating right and getting enough sleep, those all only go so far. I am going to see about purchasing a full-spectrum light. It's time.

I have accepted some invitations to do things, and know that I need to get out and be somewhat active, but right now it feels rather overwhelming. I have a natural tendency to just want to stay in and sleep and I just can't -- and shouldn't -- do that. It was 13 degrees this morning when I stepped outside to go to work. Fortunately, in order to get to work, I've got to venture out and I've got to walk. And then the same in reverse. I am committed to getting in extra walking on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and I did not make today into an exception. I'm tired, though. Perhaps I'm coming down with something.

One thing that also heartened me was the oil bill. The last one was over $800 and I was scared that this one would be similar, but it was about 1/3 of that. Hence we can turn up the heat a bit. It's been miserably freezing in the house, making it extremely uninviting, so that will help a lot.

Plus, I have things to look forward to. I am refusing any number of invitations, but this weekend I'm going to see a friend whose friend (you got that?) has clothes for me. And then the following Friday I've got a lunch date with a guy who I write with. Or, rather, we both write, then we critique each other's work. I haven't seen him in months. That day will also be a full day off. Then the following week is only two and a half days off and then I'm out of the office until the first week in January. I need the break desperately. Plus I have plans.

My plans for the end of year break are not some fabulous trip. Rather, my husband and I are going to paint my exercise area. I'll post before and after shots. I am looking for an oceanic type of theme. Something serene. Right now it's the very antithesis of serenity.

There are cures for this feeling, but the biggest cure is light mixed with time. In the meantime, though, there are a few things I can do in order to make things bearable and make the recovery go all the more smoothly. Stick with the plan. See a few friends, but not too many. Take control over a space or area or something, and beat back the chaos. Take time off. And get through it, any way possible.

I guess the Winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower
about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold onto these moments as they pass

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 12/21/2008 2:42PM

    Ha, that made me laugh. Thanks! :)

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4OURBOY 12/21/2008 12:08PM

    Oh yeah, I don't listen to her either -- just like I don't shop at Walmart or ever pick my nose.

But I root for her.


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JESPAH 12/19/2008 2:20PM

    Ha, thank you. I don't listen to her, but I listened to what you posted and I can see why she would write/perform such a song.

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4OURBOY 12/18/2008 7:29PM
whatever it takes
whatever works


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SUMITH2008 12/17/2008 2:04AM

    Hey my wonderful friend Jespah! You are doing so well with your weight loss and for that you should be very proud!!!!, and while the scale might not budge (mine to) this is a life style change for all of us so time is on our side. Once we get to our ideal weight, the game is not over right?.... we still have to carry on and take care of ourselves and try not to fall off the track though most likely we will (human nature) and that's when we will have to course correct and carry on. My friend Jespah, take your time don't worry to much about how many lbs you lose this week or the following week. Main thing is that you make a effort to stay active, and you have the choice to up the intensity and enjoy life for that reason. Don't burn yourself out fretting about how quick you want to get thin or lose weight, do it right reasons and feel good about it. I think that's what counts the most.

Comment edited on: 12/17/2008 2:05:53 AM

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JESPAH 12/11/2008 6:17AM

    Well, I think we'll be painting the bathroom, too. We have ambitions. They may all be shot by the time the time off rolls around. I dunno. :)

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JIBBIE49 12/10/2008 9:40PM

    I think painting your exercise area together sounds like fun, and then you can offer to take him in the shower and wash the paint off his face. emoticon emoticon

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JESPAH 12/9/2008 7:24PM

    Ah, sweetie, you're so kind. The light I think will be my Chanukah present to myself. Today is warm and tomorrow will be warmer, which will help a lot. 60 F they claim but I'll believe it when I feel it.

Heh I was made a Motivator because of a positive attitude. Right now that makes me smile. I know it'll come back -- it just strikes me as funny right about now.

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TELERIE 12/9/2008 6:58PM

    I want to send you some sunshine, but we're sorely lacking here. I am just happy it's snow outside where I live, since it's SO MUCH LIGHTER then.
I love your blogs and hope it helps you to write the emotions. Let me know if there's anything I can do, my friend, I'm here for you. emoticon emoticon

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TRECECOOKS 12/9/2008 5:41PM

    I hear you about the lack of light. It is miserable, and to be cold on top of it. . .
Let me know how you make out with the lights.

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JESPAH 12/9/2008 11:47AM

    Hmmm I'm on 1800 cals/day and hitting at or close to it. But I've been low on fats. Seems weird -- go eat more fat, jes!

Helfino but it sounds good.

And maybe the mushrooms need some time to kick in.

I am also under stress, the office wants a buncha stuff done by the end of the year and it just ain't happening.

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EMMASMART 12/9/2008 11:32AM

    Mushrooms aren't working? That's terrible. You totally need the light box. St. Johns Wart is not good for me. I use L-Tryptophan for that. And I do what you to. I have light bulbs that are full spectrum. And it does help my mood. I live in Floriduh for a reason, that helps too. Mushrooms work for me. It maybe that it's because for me the mushroom is comfort food.

I'm glad your measurements are personal bests, I seem to remember you having this before. You will get through this. The perenial question when this happens is are you eating enough for your current level of exercise. You might be in starvation mode and your body gone all conservative. Are you eating at the bottom or the top of your range? Just a thought. Take care of yourself.
Emma emoticon emoticon

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KUNGFOOD 12/9/2008 7:15AM

    This is the first time I've read any of your posts. I was hooked with the Neil Young link. Love it.

Oh I love that you are so verbal! I wasn't surprised to discover that you're a writer.

You just have to take those controlling manipulative "do-gooders" that know how to take care of everyone but themselves with a grain of salt.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

PS: All those oysters are pure protein, baby! emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/9/2008 7:13:37 AM

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WAZAROO 12/8/2008 9:22PM

    Thanks for sharing this. I do hope it helped to write out your feelings. December is a tough month for many people. There really are a lot more oysters than pearls, but heck, all it takes is finding that one.


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The Keeper of the Key to the Locks

Monday, December 01, 2008

I am back, from Thanksgiving, of course. And, eh, it was nothing exciting. That's not necessarily a function of how the holiday was. Rather, it is how I personally feel.

I am sliding into a downward spiral.

It's not anything really, really awful. I am still doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am still eating right, exercising, making good choices and performing portion control. I am just tired and bored. I am riding a lower wave. It happens.

It is a lot of things and there are a million reasons. One very large one is seasonal affective disorder. It is something I contend with every year and this year is no exception. The absolute darkest part of the year is about 3 weeks away and I really, really feel it. I had skipped taking St. John's Wort for a few days for Thanksgiving and I am paying for it. I'm back on it but it's disturbing to know that my mood is so profoundly affected by just skipping the herb for maybe five days instead of the usual two for the weekend.

Another reason is Thanksgiving itself. It is, unlike any other holiday, completely centerpieced around food. And I could neither make nor bring anything, which by itself bothered me. And then of course it is, well, it's not deprivation, but it is separateness. I don't enjoy separateness, oh no, she can't have THAT. And that's not true and it's not fair. It's that I am making choices, not that I am hurting or depriving myself. And then there's other weirdnesses. Being offered leftovers even though I'd made it clear that I wouldn't be eating them. And then being offered them again. And a third time. Oy.

I expected to be shooed out of the kitchen, but I did not expect how it would make me feel. I really disliked that. I am getting used to having control over my foods or at least some say in the matter, and have gotten to like that. Even though I knew what was being cooked, I could not witness or be a part of anything going on, except when I was finally called in, in order to peel potatoes. Then later I pulled out what I was going to eat and that was that. That was the extent of my participation in the entire preparation and presentation of the meal.

I realize that I should be thankful for family and hospitality, etc., but like I said I am simply tired and in a foul mood. Of course I expressed gratitude while there and did my best to not cop an attitude. It was also a raging TOM (which is over now) and that was not helping things one whit.

Another reason is, and this is ludicrous, but there you have it, something that happened online this morning. I run a forums website when I am not sparking, and there is a topic about food diarying. I do it as do about ten or so other people. One is a serious weight loser (she's already lost 100+ lbs. and maintained it for a good year and is now trying to take off the last 50 or so) and another is a marathoner. Plus others are in various states of vegetarianism or whatever. It is generally a supportive group and no one goes off on anyone's choices. No one screams, "What the hell are you thinking, eating 17 chocolate chip cookies?"

Except for this one person.

This person has decided that I am killing myself by dieting.

This person has been told, more than once, that I am under a doctor's care and am doing this with not only my doctor's permission and blessing, but at her urgent insistence.

This person has been told that I am on alli and so my weight loss is more rapid than most people's.

This person has been told to butt out repeatedly.

It does not seem to matter.

Today or last night, this person again railed about how my friend and I are doing just so many horrible things to ourselves, and said that we were subsisting on gruel.


I responded.

I guess pizza, chicken, pasta, bread, salads, soup and guacamole are all gruel. Amazing. I had no idea the definition had changed so dramatically.

I suppose I should not have gone off the way I did, but I am tired of this. This person seems to go hypercritical about once per quarter. Hence I could've let it go and let it happen again in 3 months or so. After all, going off or not going off does not seem to make one whit of difference.

But I did, and I hate doing that, but I felt I had to.

So I am weary from that as well, from justifying my choices and defending what I (and my friend) do.

And, to add to the fun, I walked like crazy last week, watched the portions and was austere as hell during Thanksgiving and I still gained 1.8 lbs. What kills me is that I actually lost inches, in almost all of the places where I measure. Right now that's kinda sustaining me. That and a friend on Facebook sending me all sorts of silly stuff. Nothing earth-shaking, just paying some attention.



A downward spiral.

I don't think it's a particularly steep spiral.

And I know I'll start to feel better once the solstice is done and the light begins to return. And this person will not bother me for months. And Thanksgiving isn't for another year. And, really, it's a test of this whole experience. I can do this when I'm happy. Can I sustain it even when I'm not? There's the question.

But right now I'm just tired, and all I want to do is withdraw.

When you see me on the subway, I'll be down at the end of the car.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 12/5/2008 8:50AM

    Aw, thank you, sweetheart.

The person apologized, kinda, actually it's more that they backpedaled and said they were concerned that my friend and I won't be able to do maintenance.

Welllll, we are big girls (although we're becoming smaller by the second). We will handle maintenance like we handle (or don't handle) anything else. Plus a lot of this journey, this piece of the process, at least for me, is an improvement in my cooking skills and creativity. Any way you slice it, maintenance won't have a lot of restaurant meals attached to it and I can't just drown everything in olive oil or salt in order to make it acceptable. So I need to get better at such things, and I think I am.

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SUMITH2008 12/5/2008 2:05AM

    You need to fire that person, whoever that certain person is who is putting you down. No point surrounding yourself with people like that. Sometimes i wonder, if people just enjoy praying on others for their sick personal enjoyment like a vampire. You stay strong my friend, your doing fabulous and as a spark friend I'm thrilled with your success. *hugs*

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JESPAH 12/2/2008 11:47AM

    Good idea re the lights. Plus mushrooms. I am eating a lot of them. 'Sokay, I love 'em.

Hang ten, baby!

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VEEJAY3 12/2/2008 10:45AM

    "riding a low wave" -- nice image. I've ridden a low wave before. Another is always behind it -- bigger and better. Hang ten!

and in the meantime -- have you tried those full-spectrum lights? People with SAD use them to simulate real sunshine ... they have different UV rays or something ... anyway, I used to work at a store that sold them (health food store) and they seemed quite popular. Google the idea and see if you like!

Here's to the spring equinox!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SISNAMIL 12/2/2008 10:39AM

    that is really crappy that no one would let you help with anything except peeling spuds. as for the 'she can't eat ....' do they not realize that if you watch what you are doing you CAN eat what ever you want, you just DON"T eat it?

as for you forum group, some people just have spells when they need to b***h. especially if things aren't going so well for them at the moment.

i understand the SAD problem. i had managed to avoid it so far this year by moving my desk under the east window. until saturday. now it is waxing and waning depending on the weather. i too am counting the days till spring.

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JESPAH 12/2/2008 9:14AM

    Em, I think you're right, that there may be folks who feel that whatever they eat is being judged. And that should not be happening. My buddy with the 100+ pound loss also said something. It was just so out of line. Funny what you say about needing a coach -- the thing of it is, I am the head of the Moderators. I am the equivalent of the coach. But we've all known each other for up to 8 or 9 years so I guess it's dysfunctional at this point. :)

Your line about you wearing my pants made me laugh, and I realized I was feeling a tad better. Some of it is routine disruption, I suppose. Getting out of what's familiar and comfortable and then being thrust into something else. Plus you have the family dynamic and that's not necessarily a perfectly positive thing.

And, I admit it, I can overdramatize these things. What I need, desperately, is a break. And not just a one-day deal, but something longer. I am going to get one during the last week of the year so that should help. I intend to paint my exercise nook. Purposeful activity is good, plus it's for something good for me. I'll see about taking some before and after pics of it. Right now the room looks pretty awful.

Thank you all for your support. :)

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    You look deep inside and sometimes I think you might be too hard on yourself and others. I am not trying to tell you that I know anything about what you are going through. I don't think I have ever been as down as you say. I have been down pretty low but that is when I am feeling sorry for myself and I try not to let that happen. I am so lucky but everyone feels down sometimes. I really hope that you feel better and just have a little fun.

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TELERIE 12/1/2008 7:18PM

    I know how you feel in the darkness, but it WILL get light again and I'm sending you a sunny smile. You're doing great. And you'll keep on keeping on! And she probably deserved being "talked to" if she's butting in where she has no business butting.
emoticon Marit

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EMMASMART 12/1/2008 7:02PM

    How about sending her a link to this blog. Context is everything. Also if it is a policy of the group not to comment on what other people are eating then isn't she violating. A coach might help. i think if it happens again you might want to pop inappropriate. Because what's infuriating you might be making the posting impossible for others. They may worry that they are being judged.

Mushrooms are filled with Vitamin D. Can you get some?

At thanksgiving I think there might have been some meat in my food. I've been queasy since. My DH was not with me and wondered if in fact I had had some meat by mistake based on my symptoms. It's not impossible. So I totally understand how you feel about not having control at dinner. I'm always sick after Thanksgiving and I am starting to wonder if it is not worth it.

Don't let it get you down. You are my hero. I'm wearing your pants. Hang in there!


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