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You Can See the Stars and Still Not See the Light

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Today is the last day of a very special farewell tour.

Okay, well, maybe it's not that special. But it's a definite farewell tour. As in, I will never, ever see these things again. I will never, ever wear them again.

What are they?

Okay, it's a little embarrassing.

It's underwear.

Size 10 panties, in all their glory.

They are, as you can well imagine, as exciting and sexy as all get out.


I wore them forever, or at least it seemed that way. I wore them when I really should have been wearing a larger size. I wore them as I shrank and they turned from what were already granny panties into enough fabric to recover a Buick.

My friend Tess once explained that your panty size is essentially, for whatever reason, one-half the number of your pant size. And that's about right, although panties are, by definition, stretchy. So you can cheat and wear sizes that are too small. You might be uncomfortable but you get to kid yourself, lie to yourself, that things aren't that bad.

With size 10 panties, I was pretending to fit into a size 20 pant. Ha! Not even close! I was a size 28 before I started taking better care of myself. You can imagine how uncomfortable those panties were, and how stretched out they became.

Yet I clung to them, for some odd reason. I guess that is a big obstacle for me -- letting go. Sometimes it's hard to just toss away not just what you owned, but what you WERE. I have tossed a lot of clothes, or given them away. I have discarded habits and ways of thinking. But it was hard to toss these silly old panties.

It was hard to pull back from what I've been and turn into what I'm becoming. Hard to say, "Enough already. This is not you any more. This is the past. It's over." It's just fabric, right? It's just something that no one sees anyway.

Why was it so hard to let them go, even though, frankly, I wanted to let them go?

Fear. I know it. It's fear. A little excitement, for sure, but I think fear and excitement sometimes hold hands, and you can have trouble prying them apart. The excitement of becoming a new person. Becoming -- amazingly -- a sexy person -- was and often still is wrapped up in insecurity. It's easy to talk about boldness from behind a keyboard. But to get out there -- and I don't even mean to meet men, but just to put myself out there as a confident, together person -- that's a challenge.

They're just cloth. Just colored stretchy cloth.

And now they're trash.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SSAVONSS 11/15/2008 6:10AM

    Wow! What got me the most in your blog was about "letting go." While you wrote about panties, it could have been anything. Exactly why do we hold onto things that clutter up our minds and life and stop us from moving forward? Hmm

Thank you

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JESPAH 11/10/2008 2:59PM

    Smarty Pants. Excellent.

I have, erm, some uh, shall we saw, interesting stuff to fit into ....

Modesty forbids me to say ... (well, it doesn't, but SP rules forbid). Size 8, I think, might be 7. There's, uh, no room for tags if yanno what I mean.

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TRECECOOKS 11/10/2008 1:57PM

    My MIL always did undies for Christmas. The year came that I'd gone beyond 10s. She didn't want to embarrass me by asking, so she just sent a check
I got up to 13s (briefly, ha ha) and went to 10s when they finally fell down. Like you, I actually blogged about getting new undies. The day came when I got 9s. I put them away thinking they'd be too small. Had to grab a pair a bit later, only to find that they fit!!
Word of caution: Hanes are wonderful. Fruit of the Loom are a tad smaller, and CHEAP (not price, quality).

I actually have 4 pair of VS panties, for when I hit Onederland (or whatever). One pair is black with writing on the bum that says "Smarty Pants".
I can hardly wait!!!

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CAREWREN 11/9/2008 4:45PM

    I had never thought about my underwear being half my pants size but I guess that just about fits. I am a size 10 although I've been a lot less. I must have been more because I am 42 pounds down from my highest weight ever but I'm also 40 pounds higher than my last weight loss. Oh, just thinking about this up and down stuff is tiring!

Anyway, here's to smaller-sized underwear! Great blog entry!

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MEGHANDAVIS81 11/9/2008 7:56AM

    THANK YOU FOR SHARING! You deserve all the best! emoticon

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JESPAH 11/8/2008 7:53PM

    You'll be there soon enough, NewKim. I'm rocking XLs and 18s these days. Starting to see some extra fabric, too.

aa -- I've wanted to say that for a while -- virtual lingerie model. Yeah, that's me. I am channeling my inner Tyra Banks/Kathy Ireland/Heidi Klum .... This is different because I usually channel my inner Tracey Ullman/Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

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WALLOWA 11/8/2008 5:01PM

    Exquisitely written and sensitively thought out, O Leader of Quirk World. Congratulations on the choice, the accomplishment, and "being featured by SP." Does this now mean you can put virtual lingerie model on your resume? Love, Kathy

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NEWKIM1 11/8/2008 4:37PM

    I so remember when I went and bought panties that fit me for the first time, I mean really fit me and were fun. Now they are too big...if I wear jeans they stay up, but if I wear dress pants to work they fall down, so I too need to get new ones. I am so glad to see I am not the only one! Ha! I am actually going to go through my closet too and get rid of all my clothes that are too big. Then, going to go through my drawers and get rid of all my 3X and 2X t-shirts. Taking up room and I am sick of 'going through' stuff to find something that fits. And I never want to go back to a 3X or a 2X again...can't wait to be just a L.

Hope your new panties are great!
Have a fabulous weekend!

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JESPAH 11/7/2008 7:48PM

    Go buy panties! We'll save the economy by supporting Victoria's Secret .... :)

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SACTOWN 11/7/2008 5:50PM

    I am doing that same thing with size 9's!!! And like you said...I was wearing a size 24 at my heaviest, so the panties I am *ahem...embarrassed to say this* STILL wearing, are baggy and saggy...but yet I don't go buy more. You inspire me. I think I will go buy some tonight. :-)

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BGGARDEN 11/7/2008 4:41PM

    One Day at a Time.... Keep Focused on being Healthy!

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JESPAH 11/7/2008 4:10PM

    The 7s will return ...

Actually, I was a 6 when I was a teen. Such things come from being a vegetarian, I suppose, although in all honesty I was not that active and did not watch food at all. Eh, such things come from being 14 is probably a lot more like it.

Farewell, large panties, sail off to another shore ....

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LOBRENNAN 11/7/2008 12:25PM

    I kept wearing my size 8s for years after they got too small. Upgraded to 9s when I got pregnant, then finally to 10s. At that point I threw away all my 8s! Now I have a drawer full of 9s and 10s. On days when I pull out a 10 it's like I've won the lottery.

I remember wearing 7s when I was a teenager. But I'd be happy to get back into 8s again.

10s are a good limit because that's the biggest you can get without going into the Just My Size area.

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EM_CLARK1 11/7/2008 11:44AM

    Amen! I have been dealing with the same struggle myself. Part of it is I only started buying patterned panties within the last year or two and I (for whatever reason) have grown attached to the patterns. But, they're way too large for me now...when the undies go halfway up your backside and almost hit the back of your bra, you know they're too big, lol. But, like you said, there's a hesitancy to let go even though I know that's exactly what I need to do.

:) Erin

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MARI195 11/6/2008 8:24PM

    So true...

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WOMAN4GOD1 11/6/2008 7:51PM

    Love your post..

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No Man Does It All By Himself

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

No woman does, either.

If you're an American, and you're of age, I do hope you've voted, or you're going to today.

If not, well, I guess you have no opinions on taxes. On war. On abortion. On immigration. On energy. On the Supreme Court. On what happens between the US and any other country.

But I think you DO have opinions on those things, and more. So go out there. Grab an umbrella if it's raining. Take a sweater if it's cold. Bring your kids. Bring your dog. Bring your mother. Just go.

You've got the power.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 11/4/2008 6:13PM

    When will you be having elections, or do you have the kind of system where a Parliament calls elections?

I wish I knew more about what goes on by you ....

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TELERIE 11/4/2008 4:51PM

    It's such an important day! I wish I could vote today, I'd be out there for sure!
- Marit

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There's Something Here From Somewhere Else

Monday, November 03, 2008

I'm up slightly, so I've still got 99 pounds to go. I've always liked this song, but prefer it in German. It's about the Cold War, and particularly about divided Berlin, so German just feels best.

Anyway -- I'm up. But there are good reasons. I had two restaurant meals last weekend, as opposed to the usual one, plus the second one was for a late lunch yesterday. I believe that restaurant meals have way more salt than we can taste so that doesn't surprise me.

I also have water retention because of, heh, do I have to spell it out for ya? This one happened in 3 weeks instead of 4. All a part of the glory that is perimenopause. Oof. The last thing I need is 25% more of those, but it's entirely possible.

And the last reason is that we did an amazing amount of exercise yesterday. It was 30 minutes of slower walking to get to the restaurant, then 20 minutes faster walking to return (we were trying to make a bus, which we did -- yes!), then another 30 minutes of carrying light groceries. Hence we did a lot more than I usually did, and I did not get a rest day, which I normally get on Sundays. Next week, I will definitely rest on Sunday. I need it!

In the meantime, there's bowling tonight (for my sorority). I wonder how many calories it burns ...?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 11/4/2008 6:42AM

    It is indeed. I only put down 10 mins for it as you sit around a lot, plus my lil sorority sis and I played the game as a team, so we each only bowled 5 frames. But it was fun. I'd do it again even though together we barely cracked 50.

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EMMASMART 11/3/2008 7:38PM

    I believe bowling is in the fitness tracker.


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Stable Now, With Rising Possibilities

Saturday, November 01, 2008

It could be normal but it isn't quite ....

99.9 is pretty close to the number of pounds I still need to lose. It's less, actually, but if I rocket past goal, well, who's to say?

Today my husband and I went out and played frisbee, and yesterday I walked home from a much farther away bus stop than usual and tomorrow we are meeting someone for a late lunch and are going to walk from a remote stop and and and and ....

This is the new me. This is the new normal. I walk. I jog a bit. I play. I putter around and break out into spontaneous shimmying. I can do all kinds of things that were painful before. Seemingly small and silly things like being able to keep my arms up long enough to get my hair dried with the blow drier, and standing long enough to get a mess of vegetables chopped and ready to go for the week, and walking to and from so many different places and avoiding driving and traffic and parking and all of that agita much of the time.

The old gal, she was not a fan of walking. Walking hurt. Shin splints were a way of life. Clothes were tight and painful to move in. Thighs chafed. Arms did not feel good when swung. Breathing was tough, she was out of breath. She didn't sleep well, and snored loudly. She is me.


She's not me any more.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 11/2/2008 8:48AM

    I think we get caught up in the big stuff and kinda miss the little things if we're not careful.

Look at all those trees! I wonder where the forest is? :)

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EMMASMART 11/2/2008 1:25AM

    Very awesome yes.


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KARBIE18 11/1/2008 10:29PM

    What a positive message! I am so happy for you. And what a blessing to appreciate the little things. Keep that attitude, and you'll make your goal before you know it. Stay active!


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LOBRENNAN 11/1/2008 9:12PM

    Hah, I didn't think anyone else had the hair dryer problem. Lately I dry my hair downstairs in the recliner, so I can rest my arm on the back at a 45o angle and still aim at my head. How awesome is that?

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Oh, Why Can't I Live a Life For Me?

Friday, October 31, 2008

Everyone wears masks.

Not just today, but every day.

We hide our true feelings. We tamp down our preferences. We sequester our opinions. We shunt aside who we really are.

We do it to be accepted. We do it to be admired. We do it to be rewarded. We do it to fit in.

We do it to be loved.

I realized I loved my husband (long before I married him) when I realized I wasn't pretending to be someone I wasn't and he loved me anyway.

I realized that I, as a person, as an individual, as someone different and unique and quirky, was worthy of affection and caring.

One of the things I think a lot of us do as we get heavier is, we hide behind the fat. No one looks at the fat girl, the fat friend, the fat guy. Unless, I suppose, you dress up as Santa. And then that's just another mask. The fat friend is always the sidekick, the wingman, the wacky neighbor or the one who's dying or evil but not the lead.

Be the lead role in your life. But this time, take off the mask. Show who you really are. Reveal your thoughts and speak your mind. Insist on what you need, whether it's food to fit into your plan or clothes to fit your body or time to exercise and take care of yourself. Be assertive without fear, but also without rancor.

Perform a striptease of your soul.

I think you'll find everybody is just like you. Maybe not exactly. Not precisely. But most of us have the same values, the same dreams (but with different specifics, of course), the same fears. We want health. We want security. We want companionship (and also want independence and sometimes some solitude). We want love. We want freedom. We want to be who and what we are.

It's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 11/1/2008 10:25AM

    Definitely less to hide behind these days.

I tend to go around more, thinking of how I can enhance my appearance rather than melt into the woodwork.

Wearing shirts from 15 years ago is pretty good, although sometimes they're a lil, er, style-challenged. :)

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BELIEVINGISEING 10/31/2008 11:19PM

    Sometimes you don't realize you are wearing a mask until something shakes you up. It takes a lot of courage to look beneath that mask to find the real you. There are many layers to your personality. Anyway have a great day and find your truth. Pam

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EMMASMART 10/31/2008 10:27PM

    And your mask is slowly melting away. I'm so glad you are so devoted. At times you must notice. There much less to hide behind these days!


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MARI195 10/31/2008 9:47PM

    How true! I am just realizing, for me, who I am. Your book is growing, entry by entry, with your blog. Thanks for sharing!

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KARBIE18 10/31/2008 6:23PM

    Well written, as usual. I think you've given great advice. I can't say that I hid behind the fat, but I've definitely had trouble showing my true self. Even among my closest friends, I've had to remind myself to relax and reassure myself that these people love me for who I am. I've been working on my social phobias along with my weight loss, and made significant progress, but thanks for the reminder.

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EM_CLARK1 10/31/2008 12:17PM

    Words of wisdom, my friend. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and am so glad that you said it so eloquently.

You're right, we are very similar (whether we realize it or not) and wearing those masks can be very tiring.

Thanks for being open!
:) Erin

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SUNNY11 10/31/2008 11:42AM

    Great comments! I can definitely relate!!

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