Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I suppose it has shown a bit in the last few blog posts -- I'm not as cheerful as I had been.
This is inevitable, I suppose. Up moods, like down moods, do not last forever.
And sometimes they change for reasons that seem inexplicable, or for no good reason or no reason.
This one is changing because of a few things. The weather is turning. It's getting darker. It's a full moon, which reminds me of my friend who passed on in August.
And, things are boring. Not just a little bit dull. BORING. As in, I want to shoot myself boring.
Boredom like this does not happen all at once. It creeps up on you until it's suddenly upon you and you realize -- gawd, everything is so depressingly dreary, how can anyone stand it?
It's a few things. It's the job, for starters. I load data. All the livelong day. By itself, that's bad enough, but it used to be enlivened by occasional disasters. Now that the disasters have mainly dissipated, it's just nonstop data loading. AKA nonstop boredom. Of course, I knew at least to some extent what I was signing up for. And, this is a project, so it'll eventually end and I'll have something or other else to do. In the meantime I am paid well, the place is comfortable and the hours and people are fantastic. But....
My site is also dull, taken over by politics as it is every year and, increasingly, every two years (I manage a forums site). While there are other topics of conversation -- and I do my best to support those -- there are a lot more political ones. Or it's just people talking about the site. And that is what I find to be truly deadly dull. Surely there are better things to do in life than gaze at one's navel all the time.
Food is also somewhat boring although I am thinking of what to do in order to mix it up. As the weather is getting cooler, there is one major benefit -- making more soups. The slow cooker is really perfect for that so I am thinking of reintroducing chicken soup into the repertoire, but I'll do it with far less salt than it used to have. Roasted chicken will also return.
Exercise is ... okay. I have been doing the same routine (albeit with heavier and heavier weights or longer and longer stretches of cardio) for over 9 months now. I'm a bit tired of it. Today a flyer came in the mail for a 5k. It's too soon -- in only a couple of weeks -- but it did get me thinking about that sort of thing as being something to strive for. And I am talking about walking a 5k, not running or even jogging one. I can still only jog for half of the block to the bus stop. It may be a long block but we're still not talking more than maybe 100 yards or so and I strongly suspect that's a serious overestimate.
Anyway, those are my thoughts and that's where my head is at. No wonder I am feeling myself spiral into a bit of a funk. The big thing I was looking forward to -- the Bar Mitzvah -- has come and gone. Nothing looms on the horizon. There is no there there, if that makes any sense. Surely I should make my own horizon, but right now I'm just a bit tired.
I know that this will pass, whether it does so by itself or with help from St. John's Wort kind of doesn't matter. I do get Seasonal Affective Disorder and the sky is greying and darkening and leaves are turning and falling so it is coming. I have never really felt the drop as intensely as I have this year, perhaps because I've been so cheerful for so long. It's funny, I tend to do better in some very cold months, e. g. February, because I know that things are getting better. Right now I just know that there will be another 6 or so weeks of darkening and cooling. It's not forever and it's not the end of the world. But, like I said, I am tired.
I will get over this hurdle. I will set it aside, though it may take a little while.
The Funk Stops Here.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I am left of center when it comes to weight loss. That is, I am almost in the middle. I have lost over 93 lbs. and want to lose a total of 200. So I'm almost halfway there, almost in the 100 lbs. off middle of things.
I don't know when I'll hit the magical middle. I suspect it'll be after Halloween. I do hope it's before Thanksgiving as I am a bit concerned about not only that day but the weekend. We are going to my in-laws and the eating may be less orderly than I'd like. Of course I will take a million things to eat and the resistance bands and probably the mat and oof right now the very thought of it exhausts me but I've got to do it to maintain focus and stay on track. Fortunately I don't have to pack anything for a while or even think about it for a bit.
And, who's to say what the sizes will be that I will pack? The other day I was wearing size 22 jeans and they were falling off. Hold them up to where they're supposed to be and there's a good two inches of room in there. I can do a shimmy a la Elvis in not only them but in most of my pants and I barely feel the pant legs. There is a lot of room, no question.
Right now I just don't feel like getting clothes. I still feel like jettisoning. One thing I've been pleased to do is just dump stuff. I'm tired of this and that, clothes be gone! I'm pulling out three and four items and replacing them with maybe one item. I am paring down and simplifying my life. I also cannot believe how much I've spent on clothes over the course of my existence. So many useless things. I recognize that a lot of what I wear now is from when I was a road warrior. The problem with that was that I essentially had a regular wardrobe and a packed wardrobe. Plus the office was formal so I had work clothes and play clothes and it was all very bulky and right now it seems just so confusing and wasteful.
So this is another change to my life, a change in progress. I don't want to have a packed closet any more.
In the meantime, I am rapidly approaching the land of people who need to lose less than 100 lbs. I have not lived in that land for a very, very long time. I thought today of when I'm going to see my doctor (next appointment is in January). The scale will be interesting. I'll move over the 200 lb. marker, to be sure. But the extra 50 lb. one? Not a chance. Might not even need an extra 25 lb. marker. It's been a good visualization to have.
But right now I'm still left of the center. Not quite there yet.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I saw my friend again yesterday, and again we talked about how our jobs are, as we say, less than optimal. He certainly doesn't want to be cutting up swordfish for the rest of his days. Frankly, I don't want to be data loading but at least it's somewhat related to what I like, and you can't beat the hours.
So we -- and so many other people -- want something better. That term, "better", may be a tad ill-defined, but it's there. It's a kind of a brass ring, I suppose, but the carousel is spinning in a fog so you can't always see it.
For me, the "something better, something different" is to write. I have been doing so little of it lately. There are just so many hours in any given day. And all I do half the time is strap some more obligations to my back and then wonder why I can't do the things I want to do. Truth is, I suppose, I put off writing and moving plots along and coming to conclusions. Sometimes it's avoidance. Sometimes, like now, it's that I can't think of what should happen next.
I can't say that life has been wholly without distractions. That is definitely a part of not writing. The neighbors next door are from, I think, Brazil. They seem pleasant enough but they speak very little English and so we might nod but not say good morning to one another. They have parties, though. Lots and lots of parties. This week has been great weather, and the weekend was spectacular. Me, I'm sitting on my front steps, reading the paper and then hoping to get in some writing. Them, they are having a party.
A loud party.
It's all very odd music, too. It's Portuguese singing, or at least I think it is (it sounds somewhat like Spanish but does not seem to be exactly Spanish), but today's batch had a decidedly Cajun flavor. Which was really strange, when you consider that Cajun culture is actually derived from Acadian (e. g. Canada) and that particular nugget of Canadian culture comes from, yes, France.
Hence these are Brazilian-Portuguese folk listening to something in Portuguese but with a definite French flavor. Oui. I mean, Olé.
The more I sat and listened to the music (which was not half bad; usually the music is very weepy and sounds like the incidental music for a telenovela), the more it disturbed what I was doing. At the point when my characters started to seem Portuguese and/or Cajun, I called it quits for the day. A pity, as that's a favorite thing to do, to sit on the front porch steps and write, in good weather. There will be fewer good days as Winter looms, although this week is supposed to be good. Perhaps I'll have other, better chances later this week.
And that's the main point, is to keep making chances for yourself. There are all sorts of other factors that conspire to keep us from our goals, and to prevent our dreams from being realized. The weather. The neighbors. The economy. The embarrassment. The difficulty. The pain. The agita. The expense. The whatever.
What is keeping you, today, from doing your thing? The weather will change. The pain can diminish. The embarrassment can fade. The economy, well, it may stink right now but it will, eventually recover. And not doing what you want to do is not going to improve or worsen any of those things. Dare I say it? Not doing what you want to do or being who you want to be will have no effect whatsoever on such things.
What keeps you from exercising? What keeps you from eating right? What keeps you from being who you want to be, and getting where you want to go? What stops you? What holds you back?
You may be miles away from your goal. But all you need to do is step towards it. Turn in that direction, and get started. And, soon enough, you'll be miles away from where you are right now. Despite all the distractions. Despite all of the obstacles. You can get yourself there. As Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Even if right now you feel a bit like a lemming packed into a shiny metal box.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Well, I'm not THAT confused. Not about this journey, at least not today.
Yesterday I weighed in and I was up .8 lbs. Now, that's, like, not much at all. One thing I've learned is that if you have a pretty large weight loss one week, you stay the same or don't lose much or even gain the following week and it's no big deal. In fact, it can happen in reverse, for anyone thinking, oh God, I've gained, what do I do? Well, keep on the program and maybe step it up a tad, e. g. walk a little more or lift something heavier or make better choices at the dinner table and suddenly the following week you're losing again. Last week I had lost 4 lbs. so this little gain is no biggie.
And, it's got another reason, because, heh, it's that time o' the month yet again. It's funny, the euphemisms we come up with, for something that is perfectly natural, albeit a bit messy. I recall a college roommate referred to it as her friend coming to visit. Me, I was so clueless, I kept asking her who was visiting (after all, we shared a room). She couldn't even add the adjective "monthly", as in "my monthly friend is coming to visit". At least that would have been a lot more enlightening a lot more quickly. I grew up referring to every bodily function by either a clinical term or some sort of adjective that most people in polite company don't like to use. Eh, such things don't bother me, to say or talk about. But I know they bug other folks so I won't dwell on it. Suffice it to say the .8 lbs. is not just attributable to regular old fluctuations but also due to the standard hormonal boogie-woogie that goes on every 28 or so days.
But -- I hear you asking -- what the heck does ANY of this have to do with today's theme song?
Okay, I don't REALLY hear you. I'm not, like, delusional or anything. ;)
But I'll tell you anyway.
It's not my age (heh, it hasn't been my age for a good 28 years!) No no no.
It's my size.
I swear it's true. I was rummaging through my closet as I am getting together more stuff to mail out and I came across a blazer I had purchased. It's grey and short (not over the hips, which is key, because my hips can often be one size while the rest of me is another). And the last time I tried it on I could not button it.
I can button it. And it has room in it.
So I went on a trying on spree. Last week we went to City Sports and bought tee shirts. I bought two that would fit and two that I didn't think would fit. The smaller ones happen to both be green -- one is a Celtics shirt and the other is a Red Sox shirt. The Red Sox shirt is still too small although I can get it on.
But the Celtics shirt fits. Snugly, but it fits. It's a women's large. So I dared just a little bit more. I had the clean laundry in the basket. And my husband -- who had also bought stuff at City Sports -- had a long sleeved waffle weave jersey in there. Keep in mind that it is obviously a man's size of some sort. Without looking at the tag, I put it on.
It fit. It was comfy. Heck, I will borrow it, I am sure. I took it off in order to put it away.
I looked at the tag.
I about fell over.
It's a ....
... drum roll ...
... wait for it ...
it's a Medium.
A FREAKIN' MEDIUM!
Not a large.
Not an extra large.
Not a number with an X at the end of it or in front of it.
It's a Medium.
As in, what some people are smaller than, but a lot more people are larger than.
Trembling, I put it back.
I put the green Celtics tee shirt back on (I am wearing it right now). It's kelly green. It has the clover logo on it. It's snug enough to make me look REALLY busty.
But it's a large. And my blazer is an eighteen.
And I am pulling away from the land of the big and over the top and larger than life and into the mainstream.
Go Celtics. Go jes. Go all of us.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
It's been a great day. The morning was spent kind of hanging around and then lunch out. I'm becoming less and less of a fan of Pizzeria Uno but at least they publish their nutritional information so I can account for what I eat. But, frankly, their food is WAY too salty. And I digress.
After lunch it was off to the Post Office to mail out a package of clothes to my Spark buddy Emma Smart. :)
Then of course (it's the weekend) food shopping. And, I saw my friend again. They were setting up some sort of extra seafood spot, probably to try to sell more of it. He looked a little put upon. I can understand that; the extra seafood spot was being set up near checkout so it was kind of this mess of ice and fish and whatnot. I saw the dude, he saw me and I just kind of mouthed, "I'll be back." That got a smile, which is always welcome.
After we were done food shopping and the food was put away, Mr. J and I went out and played frisbee. We played for a good half hour, longer than we have so far! I am getting better at aiming and also am more interested in running for the disc. Now I'm tired. It's a full enough day, plus I'm still kind of recovering from the week.
Tonight: baseball and tuna steaks. And dreams of flying discs. A good Saturday.
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