Friday, August 08, 2008
My dear friend lost her battle on August 5th.
And while I still feel awful about it, I'm also coming to terms with it. And she's teaching me a few things in death, like to take as good care of myself as I can because I am healthy and (fairly) young and when the end comes that will make a serious difference in when and how it happens.
I was also thinking, y'know, it's funny.
I am an incredibly hard worker. I also do my best to be a smart worker because I really despise getting home late and these days it's pretty much required that I get home in time so that I can work out and we can make and eat a good meal without rushing and doing all of those bad habit things you're not supposed to do while you're trying to lose weight.
But when I'm at the office, even though I'm pleasant to people (ask how they are, etc.), I don't sit and chat or complain. I just get my work done, even if I have to ask a million questions. I still manage to focus and get it done.
So why couldn't I focus like that on myself until now? Am I not worth the same time, attention, thought and passion that I give to my employer?
I never really got that until just now. I am good enough to work on. I am important enough to improve. I am powerful enough to do it. My friend would say, hold your dominion.
I say, increase it.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Today is a good news, bad news day.
The good news, or rather the excellent news is that not only did I make my alli goal (277), not only did I make my unofficial 70 lbs. gone goal (276) but I even made my ticker goal (271, or 75 lbs. off!). Of course there's a lot more to be done but it's an awesome achievement all the same if I do say so myself. I have been actively watching, exercising, etc. since the start of the year but it all came together with starting to take alli, which was January 19th. Hence it's about 6 1/2 months or so and here I am, down 75. I have another 125 to go.
My next alli goal is 258 (alli makes you take off 5% increments at a time) and I've extended the ticker another 10, to 85 off (261). If I make that before the Bar Mitzvah, I'll extend the ticker another 5. Once the Bar Mitzvah's done, I'll probably increment the ticker by 20 or 25 lbs. or so at a time. That's a thought for another day.
The bad news is that a friend of mine, a dear friend who I have known for six years, seems to be coming to the end of her life. She is older than me and has had many health issues and is currently in the hospital. Her son sends me updates, and I share them with my site, and it's all just so overwhelmingly sad. She was very encouraging about my weight loss and even helped me decide on a stability ball. She's a wonderful, warm and funny person, and wicked smart. So today's victory is bittersweet.
Friday, August 01, 2008
I saw my buddy the fish dude today.
And we actually had a real, live conversation (until someone asked whether the crab cakes were fresh). That sentence makes me giggle but I just, well, it was enjoyable. It's just pleasant to be treated well (of course my husband treats me well -- this is no slam on him at all -- it's just fun to have that come from a different angle), plus in the process I'm getting something that's good for me.
And, it's human contact. I don't get an enormous amount of human contact at work, because I'm still very new and I work with a lot of IT folks. It's beginning to look an awful lot like the two most sociable people on the team are the boss and me. Otherwise there's a lot of just staring at computer screens and not talking much. I seem to be the only person who says Good Morning or Good Night although the guy who sits next to me is starting to warm up to me. I think he's starting to see what I can bring to the table -- mainly that I can be the articulate advocate when so many of them have trouble with such things.
Another week is done. That's four, and I'm getting it and understanding things more and more, which is awesome. I'm also learning where I can push back or change things. Definitely there are improvements happening.
As for me, personally, a la weight loss and whatnot, I still await the elusive fourth alli goal. I think I've flirted with this one more than I had with the previous three, in the sense of getting close and then being over on Monday for the official weigh-in. I'm in good shape right now, but last week I was in even better shape and I still ended up over so I'm not getting my hopes up. I'll believe it when I see it. It's a process, and there are times when the process goes more quickly than at other times. I'm still thinner than I've been in, what, eight or more years. I still look different from when I started.
Slim City, here I come.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Raising the bar is hard. It is, really.
Even if you don't raise it that far, it's still a difficult thing to do.
More exercise. Heavier weights. Less food. Better choices. More sleep (well, that one's easy, assuming you have the time).
You're changing your life, and you're being reborn. Birth was hard enough the first time around. This time isn't too easy, either. Plus you're a lot more conscious of what's happening, or at least you should be.
But it's worth it. It's downright, fascinatingly, amazingly, incredibly, absolutely worth it in a way that few things are. Pop open that crysalis. Be the butterfly you were always meant to be.
You can do it, sooner or later. Don't let it be later.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I was all set to feel sorry for myself this morning, and most of the day.
I really was. After all, I'd gained -- I kid you not -- 3.4 lbs. since yesterday (restaurant food, I'm sure of it), and today was weigh-in day. I was feeling like I was going into a funk. It was going to be an excuse for doing, well, whatever I felt like.
But you know something, I decided instead to analyze what had happened.
* I realized I need to up the weights, so I went from 10 lbs. to 15 today (it's harder than it sounds). I'm feeling challenged and tired, with tingly muscles, which I haven't had in a while. So it was time to do that.
* I realized I need to start walking during the week, at least three days, despite the walking I get in for my commute. I need to do more. So I'll get my husband to go with me and it'll be good for both of us.
* I need to eat less restaurant food. So I'll be cooking today and tomorrow, with extra for the rest of the week. And I'll put in extra effort so it'll taste better.
* I need to sleep more, so 9 PM will be a hard stop for me, no matter what the Red Sox are doing. I'll just have to adjust, and read about it all the following day.
And I need to see victories, even in what at first feel like defeats. And it's not even a defeat! I'm being nutty! It's a victory; I'm down two pounds, and less than I've been in years! It's a victory, stupid!
I remembered that today, and realized it, and there's something about turning yourself around, doing it yourself. No one else, you're the one to turn around the train. You're the one to get it to go. Heck, you're the one who picks the destination, so make it a good one.
Go, go, go jessie, go ...
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