JENRAQTAY87   20,916
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JENRAQTAY87's Recent Blog Entries

My ever so humble return to Sparkpeople...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

It has been a year, almost to the day, that I rejoined Sparkpeople last year and started being successful in my weight loss. I lost about 30 pounds and then proceeded to gain and re-lose the same 15 pounds over and over.

Then all of the sudden things changed, my life began falling apart, my relationship, my health, my family... everything all at once. I wasn't being successful. I couldn't even pretend that I was ok.

I was in an emotionally, mentally, and psychologically abusive relationship. For 3 years. I finally kicked him out and am still dealing with a lot of manipulation and guilting since doing so.

My grandmother died on Sunday. Though I am not that emotional about it, my mom is an absolute wreck and I have been spending most of my time trying to manage her.

I stepped away from Sparkpeople because I knew people were counting on me, expecting things from me, hoping and praying things for me. And even though all of those things were really good and are really good, I just couldn't handle it. Not with the way my life was.

My grandmother died, extremely unhealthy. I am going to work hard everyday to focus on being healthy for myself and my son. I am going to try to get back on track and finish what I started.

So I lost 30 pounds in my first year on this journey. That's not excellent and it's way less than I had hoped, but it's also better than when I started! So I'll take it!

I am going to try to lose 60 pounds this year, I am really going to be my nose down and focus on what needs to be done. I'm doing it this time, I'm doing it now, and it all starts with my choices!

I missed you all. Believe it or not, I thought about many of you over the course of however long I've been gone. I just couldn't bring myself, until today, to log in and hold myself accountable.

Jenni

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 10/7/2014 6:17PM

    Jenni - it is SO FREAKING AWESOME to see a blog post from ya, girlie!!!! :-)

Hey, you did great with what you had at the time and you recognized when you needed to focus on some different things.

I am so glad to see that you are in a better place and continuing to work towards your health for you and your family!

Take care girlie and hopefully you still have my number because you better know that I am HERE FOR YOU!! I'm not "counting on you"...but I'm here to support you through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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PURPLEPEONY 9/24/2014 1:34PM

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PIXIE-LICIOUS 9/24/2014 10:35AM

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GOCALGAL 9/24/2014 7:11AM

    Sorry to hear about your loss and supporting your mom through hers will continue to be stressful. emoticon We can learn from every step and it's one step at a time, one day at a time, working hard to make the best choices we can at the time. Bravo for making the tough choice to come back to SP! emoticon emoticon

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STEPH-KNEE 9/24/2014 6:41AM

    PS 30 pounds in a year is fabulous!! If it makes you feel better, I weigh the same I did this time last year, give or take 5-10 pounds. It bothers me sometimes and at other times I'm just glad I didn't gain it back LOL.

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STEPH-KNEE 9/24/2014 6:39AM

    I totally understand what you mean about the support... the support is amazing and it helps lift us up... but sometimes it can overwhelm us... like there are people counting on us or they have expectations of us and when we can't accomplish those things it can kind of mess with our minds. I have been there before, so I know exactly what you mean by that.

I am so glad that you were able to get out of that relationship, it sounds like it wasn't easy and is still a bit of an issue but that shows how strong you are. So so sorry to hear about your grandma.

Focusing on being healthy for you and your son is the way to go. emoticon

PS Thanks for all the kind words on my page! :D

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JOYFUL62 9/23/2014 10:11PM

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I am sorry your journey has been tough. We will be here to do what we can to help you in your efforts to get healthy. Don't be afraid to let us help where we can! emoticon

Joy

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NICOLETTEJJ 9/23/2014 8:58PM

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POSITIVEHOPE 9/23/2014 8:36PM

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Glad you are ready to restart your journey. You have more tools in your belt because of your past success. Start small and be gentle with yourself as you go.

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IMAVISION 9/23/2014 7:32PM

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SLIMMERJESSE 9/23/2014 7:22PM

    Welcome back. So nice to see you again. I have a life of tidal waves as well. The healthier we maintain, the easier to deal with all the stress. No kidding.

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ALICEART2010 9/23/2014 7:06PM

    Sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma & what you've been through!! Glad to hear you are back on Spark.


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ERABEL 9/23/2014 6:56PM

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The Big Girl Anthem

Thursday, June 05, 2014

There is a point in every fat girls life where she sees a picture or something of herself and it changes everything. You always know you're big and you continue to get bigger, but it's not so bad, you're no SO big, though you find yourself noticing you are more often the biggest woman in a room. Your clothes are getting tighter, but you JUST took them out of the dryer. You go about your life eating, laughing, gaining, losing but it's not an issue, your weight doesn't inhibit your life - except you wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit, or shorts, or a tank top for that matter. But your kiddo is only 2, you still have an excuse to be this big, even though you wish you didn't have to watch so much of your life from the sidelines.

I am in a Master's program and I have to do short mock sessions and tape them. This week was eye opening. I could not believe how big I looked, that I was THAT BIG! What an eye opener to how delusional I've been as well as motivating me to get my a$$ back in gear and work harder!

I joined Weight Watchers about a week ago and so far so good. I like the program, I've done it before and been successful, and I lost 2 pounds my first week. Let's hope I just stay motivated and stick around for the long haul!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GYPSYGOTH 6/5/2014 2:16PM

    Hell yes, I remember this well! emoticon
Unfortunately it took me until my kiddo was nearly grown to really lose the weight-- he probably just saw me in shorts for the first time and he's seventeen-- but you can do it now!
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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/5/2014 12:12PM

    So much of what you say here resonates with me! Like just taking the clothes out of the dryer...HA! And we laugh, but at the same time it isn't so funny how easy it is to justify these things either. Right?

Congrats on WW and your 2 pounds lost! You CAN stick with this girlie!!!! You've got all of us here and in your WW group to help you!

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ARUNNINGKAT 6/5/2014 12:01PM

    Congrats on the weight loss! Sometimes it takes being faced with the cold hard truth to really get motivated.

I have heard great things about Weight Watchers. I look forward to hearing more about how you like it.

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C2BFIT 6/5/2014 9:20AM

    emoticon Congrats on your 2 lb weight loss! Sounds like you have your motivation in gear. Keep marching onward!
(Linda from Weekly Challenges Team)

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Very Proud of Myself.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I've been getting up at 0430 every morning lately in order to do homework and exercise. Yesterday, I was supposed to start C25K (again...) and it's been over a month since I've even done W1D1. I did not get to run in the morning and I played that whole "everything-is-working-against-me-so-I'm-g
onna-be-fat-forever!" thing. Then I just decided, somehow, some way I was going to get to the track or the gym to do this damn thing! And I did. At 3:20 I was able to sneak out of work and get to the gym. Then, to my surprise, I didn't even need to start on W1D1, I was more like W5D1, meaning I don't have to start completely over! Which is a relief! I am going to do a Sparkpeople virtual 5k on June 30th! Woohoo!

So for purposes of this blog, long story short, my dad was not in my life, he remarried and had 3 children. They live in Arkansas, they are 17, 15, and 6. I want to meet them and am planning to in October. So right now, I am all geared up for total healthy eating, exercising, losing weight mode. Mostly because I don't want to be self-conscious AND because I want to be a role model to these kiddos. I am processing a lot in regards to this and journaling to death.

Love you beautiful Sparkfriends! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMONEKP 5/22/2014 1:25PM

    Hope the meeting goes well.

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ARUNNINGKAT 5/21/2014 1:43PM

    Girl, I am SO proud of you! It sounds like you are on track and nothing is going to stop you!

And I know how big this meeting with your unknown siblings is to you. I am so happy that you will get to meet them, but I also know what a huge step that is. My mom's dad did the same exact thing and I know that she still regrets to this day that she never knew him or his second family. I found his kids on Facebook after he passed away and it was such a weird feeling...knowing that they are related to me, but also knowing that they have no idea that any of us exist. emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 5/21/2014 12:46PM

    I'm so proud of you!!!! Just keep taking it day by day and you will find success! Love you bunches, girlie! Keep pushing mentally and physically!

(((HUGS)))

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NICOLETTEJJ 5/21/2014 11:59AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Done Girl, i'm happy for you emoticon

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GYPSYGOTH 5/21/2014 11:17AM

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I went to meet my dad and his three kids about 8 years ago, when I found my half-sisters on MySpace. He was sick and we knew there wasn't much time left.
It was a really wonderful, healing experience. I had a lot of resentment for him abandoning us and taking up with a new family and seeming to just forget about us... but he never did. He showed us all of the photos he had saved, every letter and card we'd ever sent... it really meant a lot to both my brother and me. I am so glad I went. He did die a year later and we were able to visit while he was on his deathbed, as well. We came and held vigil as long as we could but after a few days had to go back to our home states... he died the next day. I think he was waiting for us to come back before he could let go.
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2BEHEALTHY2014 5/21/2014 10:50AM

    Great job!

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BRAINYBLONDE5 5/21/2014 10:14AM

  you are awesome! keep the momentum going and you will be amazed how far you will go! you are strong! you are beautiful! you are capable! emoticon

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JOHNMARTINMILES 5/21/2014 9:37AM

    Keep it up!

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life

emoticon Until Tomorrow!


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Checking in, I'm still alive.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

I just want to check in with you guys, apologize for not being present, and explain what's been going on.

I realized that my problem with food was much deeper than I'm just overeating, gaining weight, and struggling to lose it. I was literally starting to go crazy, eating to the point where it hurt, I purged, things were just completely out of hand. I was so incredibly overwhelmed by everything. I kept telling people it was like my nerves were on the surface of my skin and I couldn't handle anything. I was crying and kept thinking about suicide (with no plan or intent, but the thought was enough). I would look at my son and think to myself, how can I be so unhappy?

I made an appointment with a therapist, as quickly as I possibly could. I started taking my St. John's Wort again, I started going to Over Eaters Anonymous, and by the suggestion of my therapist, Alanon.

Come to find out, many of my struggles and character flaws are because I was raised in a home with an addict. I had no idea it affected me so much...

So I have been doing all of these things for about 3 weeks as well as journaling to death. It is all really helping. I am doing a lot of really good things for myself. But things are not perfect, and they never will. I am learning a lot about myself and the ways in which I create chaos and situations in my head that aren't real that overwhelm me, apparently this is an unhealthy coping skill I learned living in a home with an addict.

So I just wanted to check in with you guys. I really care about you all and I check sparkpeople every day and track my food, I just don't have the time or energy to really engage in a way I want to on sparkpeople now, if that makes sense.

Thanks for always being there for me and supporting me. I hope to be able to come back soon and do that for you guys, but right now I am really just focusing on myself and getting well. Thanks for understanding.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NICOLETTEJJ 5/16/2014 9:00AM

    emoticon love you too dear emoticon emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 5/15/2014 2:34PM

    I'm so happy to hear that you are getting help and taking care of yourself! Don't worry about what you can give US right now...just keep giving YOU the best that you can right now and we'll be here to help you no matter what.

You have my number and if you need anything, don't be afraid to use it!!

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ARUNNINGKAT 5/15/2014 12:01PM

    So glad to hear from you! It sounds like you are making some positive steps forward for yourself and your son. We are always here for you! emoticon

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SLIMMERJESSE 5/15/2014 10:49AM

    Glad you are doing better. St. John's Wort never helped me, but about a year ago I discovered SamE. It's a natural thing, and works well for me.

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BRAINYBLONDE5 5/15/2014 10:35AM

  Melody Beattie has an amazing book on Codependency and relationships with addicts. Reading it helped me tremendously, and I think its something you should look into! Honestly, it was such an eye opener. I am so proud of you for looking for help because most people would be afraid to do that! you are so strong and I know it will take time to fight those inner battles that you have been holding inside so long, but I will always be here to listen to you. You can just send me a sparkmail, and I will be there to listen and help as much as I can! emoticon

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Overeaters Anonymous

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Lately, I have been out of control. I have some good days and some bad days, but those bad days are showing me that this problem is bigger than me...

I don't want to get into too many details, but things just aren't going well in a big way. So I have a counseling session scheduled for tomorrow and I am going to go to an OA meeting Friday. I need to reach out and get help...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUCKYKANGO 5/12/2014 8:21PM

    You can do it!!!

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RACEWELLWON 4/30/2014 4:12PM

    emoticon its worked for many - send you a great big Hug emoticon emoticon

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BLUEROSE73 4/30/2014 12:46PM

    It's okay to reach out and ask for help when you need it. Sometimes that's the hardest part. Please take advantage of all the help/support that is coming your way now that you've reached out. You can do this. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Please try to remember that.

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ARUNNINGKAT 4/30/2014 12:28PM

    emoticon You are so determined girl! Sometimes it is a great help having people right there that are going through the same thing. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 4/30/2014 10:46AM

    I'm proud of you for searching for help!! You've been quiet the past few days so I was wondering how you were doing...it's never easy admitting that something is bigger than we can handle, but you are brave enough to do just that!!! I'm here for you girlie...let me know how I can help!

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SLIMMERJESSE 4/30/2014 10:40AM

    I had a friend who did very well at OA. I think that real life support can't be beat; sure, online is great. But physical interaction reinforces better for me. Good luck.

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BRAINYBLONDE5 4/30/2014 10:26AM

  you have to do what you need to in order to find your balance. I hope these help! if you ever need to talk, please send me a message emoticon

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DCWILLIAMS831 4/30/2014 10:07AM

    Glad that you are seeking help because the guilt from what you've been eating is consuming you and making you eat more.

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