Wednesday, December 10, 2014
I have been training for a 5k since about 2010. I downloaded the Couch to 5k app and have done it off and on for almost 5 years. I always told myself “I will just complete the program and THEN register for a 5k…” Well, I have never run a 5k, so it goes to show how well that though process was working. So I did it. Today, I registered for the Sedona Marathon’s 5k that is January 31st 2015. I immediately was like “Why did I just waste $35?!” I’m so nervous, I already want to back out. I already feel like I am just going to fail epically. I already feel like I should just not show up… even though I just JUST JUST registered…
I know I can finish the 5k training by the time of the race. I know I can probably complete the race too. Will I win or place or anything? Probably not. But I know I can finish.
I just wonder where all the bad feelings come from? I wonder where this feeling of “crawl under a rock” comes from because I am so fearful that I am going to fail.
I guess I need to define what the failure would look like. I think, for this 5k, failing would be not showing up and not trying. I figure, if I show up and I start and I finish, that’s a pretty awesome success. I know I can run the whole thing, but I might become really nervous or anxious and not pace myself appropriately, anything could happen. So I guess I have to allow myself to walk a little bit during, but that doesn’t mean I’ve failed.
So I’ve got about 6 weeks to train for this 5k and I really need to try to overcome this performance anxiety thing I am feeling.
I know I can do this… I’m just scared. And that’s ok.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
It has been a year, almost to the day, that I rejoined Sparkpeople last year and started being successful in my weight loss. I lost about 30 pounds and then proceeded to gain and re-lose the same 15 pounds over and over.
Then all of the sudden things changed, my life began falling apart, my relationship, my health, my family... everything all at once. I wasn't being successful. I couldn't even pretend that I was ok.
I was in an emotionally, mentally, and psychologically abusive relationship. For 3 years. I finally kicked him out and am still dealing with a lot of manipulation and guilting since doing so.
My grandmother died on Sunday. Though I am not that emotional about it, my mom is an absolute wreck and I have been spending most of my time trying to manage her.
I stepped away from Sparkpeople because I knew people were counting on me, expecting things from me, hoping and praying things for me. And even though all of those things were really good and are really good, I just couldn't handle it. Not with the way my life was.
My grandmother died, extremely unhealthy. I am going to work hard everyday to focus on being healthy for myself and my son. I am going to try to get back on track and finish what I started.
So I lost 30 pounds in my first year on this journey. That's not excellent and it's way less than I had hoped, but it's also better than when I started! So I'll take it!
I am going to try to lose 60 pounds this year, I am really going to be my nose down and focus on what needs to be done. I'm doing it this time, I'm doing it now, and it all starts with my choices!
I missed you all. Believe it or not, I thought about many of you over the course of however long I've been gone. I just couldn't bring myself, until today, to log in and hold myself accountable.
Thursday, June 05, 2014
There is a point in every fat girls life where she sees a picture or something of herself and it changes everything. You always know you're big and you continue to get bigger, but it's not so bad, you're no SO big, though you find yourself noticing you are more often the biggest woman in a room. Your clothes are getting tighter, but you JUST took them out of the dryer. You go about your life eating, laughing, gaining, losing but it's not an issue, your weight doesn't inhibit your life - except you wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit, or shorts, or a tank top for that matter. But your kiddo is only 2, you still have an excuse to be this big, even though you wish you didn't have to watch so much of your life from the sidelines.
I am in a Master's program and I have to do short mock sessions and tape them. This week was eye opening. I could not believe how big I looked, that I was THAT BIG! What an eye opener to how delusional I've been as well as motivating me to get my a$$ back in gear and work harder!
I joined Weight Watchers about a week ago and so far so good. I like the program, I've done it before and been successful, and I lost 2 pounds my first week. Let's hope I just stay motivated and stick around for the long haul!
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I've been getting up at 0430 every morning lately in order to do homework and exercise. Yesterday, I was supposed to start C25K (again...) and it's been over a month since I've even done W1D1. I did not get to run in the morning and I played that whole "everything-is-working-against-me-so-I'm-g
onna-be-fat-forever!" thing. Then I just decided, somehow, some way I was going to get to the track or the gym to do this damn thing! And I did. At 3:20 I was able to sneak out of work and get to the gym. Then, to my surprise, I didn't even need to start on W1D1, I was more like W5D1, meaning I don't have to start completely over! Which is a relief! I am going to do a Sparkpeople virtual 5k on June 30th! Woohoo!
So for purposes of this blog, long story short, my dad was not in my life, he remarried and had 3 children. They live in Arkansas, they are 17, 15, and 6. I want to meet them and am planning to in October. So right now, I am all geared up for total healthy eating, exercising, losing weight mode. Mostly because I don't want to be self-conscious AND because I want to be a role model to these kiddos. I am processing a lot in regards to this and journaling to death.
Love you beautiful Sparkfriends!
Thursday, May 15, 2014
I just want to check in with you guys, apologize for not being present, and explain what's been going on.
I realized that my problem with food was much deeper than I'm just overeating, gaining weight, and struggling to lose it. I was literally starting to go crazy, eating to the point where it hurt, I purged, things were just completely out of hand. I was so incredibly overwhelmed by everything. I kept telling people it was like my nerves were on the surface of my skin and I couldn't handle anything. I was crying and kept thinking about suicide (with no plan or intent, but the thought was enough). I would look at my son and think to myself, how can I be so unhappy?
I made an appointment with a therapist, as quickly as I possibly could. I started taking my St. John's Wort again, I started going to Over Eaters Anonymous, and by the suggestion of my therapist, Alanon.
Come to find out, many of my struggles and character flaws are because I was raised in a home with an addict. I had no idea it affected me so much...
So I have been doing all of these things for about 3 weeks as well as journaling to death. It is all really helping. I am doing a lot of really good things for myself. But things are not perfect, and they never will. I am learning a lot about myself and the ways in which I create chaos and situations in my head that aren't real that overwhelm me, apparently this is an unhealthy coping skill I learned living in a home with an addict.
So I just wanted to check in with you guys. I really care about you all and I check sparkpeople every day and track my food, I just don't have the time or energy to really engage in a way I want to on sparkpeople now, if that makes sense.
Thanks for always being there for me and supporting me. I hope to be able to come back soon and do that for you guys, but right now I am really just focusing on myself and getting well. Thanks for understanding.
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