Saturday, September 24, 2011
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far..
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Gauteng driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by two Golfs, a BMW and an Uno, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in Gauteng during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour...'.
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Gauteng driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Metro Police Department, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
11. It is traditional in Gauteng to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and minahs from making deposits on your car.
12. Remember that the goal of every Gauteng driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
13. In the Gauteng area, "flipping someone the bird" is considered a polite Gauteng salute. This gesture should always be returned.
14. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principal that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.
15. A solid white line is the same as a staggered line in Gauteng. The Metro Police Department just have to save paint to buy new cars for all the new directors. A solid white line next to a staggered line means they have sorted the directors out and the paint contract has been awarded to their wives.
Now guys, go out there 2day and make me proud!!!
Friday, September 23, 2011
I asked God why I wasn't rich.
He showed me a man with the wealth of a thousand kings,
who was lonely, and had no one to share it with.
I asked God why I wasn't beautiful.
He showed me a woman more beautiful than any other,
who was ugly because of her vanity.
I asked God why He'd allowed me to become old.
He showed me a boy of 16,
who lay dead at the scene of a car accident.
I asked God why I didn't have a bigger house.
He showed me a family of six,
who had just been evicted from their tiny shack,
and were forced, to live on the street.
I asked God why I had to work.
He showed me a man, who couldn't find a decent job,
because he'd never learned to read.
I asked God why I wasn't more popular.
He showed me a socialite with a thousand friends,
who all left the moment the money and parties were no longer there.
I asked God why I wasn't smarter.
He showed me a natural born genius,
serving life in prison for making ill use of his knowledge.
I asked God why He put up with a thankless sinner like me.
He showed me His Word.
I knew then how much He loved me.
What's eating you today?
Are your problems weighing heavy on your heart?
Give your burden to God and know, then, that you are loved.
Have a WONDERFUL day!
Then brighten someone else's day, in any way you care to.
Remember, a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
Just reach out and touch someone's life and brighten up his or her day.
I've Been Through The Storm, But Look At Me I'm Still Standing, I'm Still Here.........
If it doesn't kill you... it will make you stronger.
Friday, September 23, 2011
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom.( Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
4) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "INBOX ".
6) Develop a sudden unnatural fear of staplers.
7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gone
through caffeine withdrawal, switch to espresso.
8) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what YOU think."
9) Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the Prophecy."
10) Insist to others that you like it that way.
11) Don't use any punctuation
12) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13) Ask people what sex they are.
14) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is the opposite gender.)
15) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
16) Put mosquito netting around your desk.
17) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in MY head that bother me, it's
the voices in YOUR head that do."
20) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
21) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
22) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess."
23) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
24) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling,
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
25) Sing along at the opera.
26) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
27) Every time you see a broom, yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"
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