Monday, April 16, 2012
In response to a video blog from JOHNTJ1 I am admitting my fear in an attempt to move past it. The current place I am in is not a good one and I find myself sometimes wondering if things will really change for me. Will I be stuck at this weight and health state the rest of my life (most likely a much shorter one if I do)?
That is so different from the confidence that I felt earlier and through most of my life. I have to examine why I feel this way. I have narrowed it down to a few things, being overwhelmed, under confident, and seemingly unable to make the changes I know I need to make.
When I started Spark I experienced success and looked forward to even more. Then things started happening that I let take precedence over what I knew needed to be done. I didn't adapt successfully to events such as a husband let go from his job, a much busier professional life, and the old habits which were creeping back in. Every morning I wake up with plans of change running through my mind, but at the end of the day the plans seldom are carried out. There is success for a day or so and then the old me creeps back in.
Life has actually been very kind to me in the meanwhile and life is good in all but the Spark goal area. I am just not making the time for what I know needs to be done.
Grading papers has taken over my free time. I always fear that if I don't get that done first it won't all get done-a fear that is likely based in reality as it does take most of my free time. I do find time to watch the "tube" with my husband though so know I could have some time to do what I need to do if I make it.
Resolution 1 - Set aside time for myself first and adapt in the other areas. This will be a tough one for me but something I know needs to be done.
I am overwhelmed at all I see needs to be done. There are the waiting papers I mentioned earlier, but also the cleaning of clutter and house which is around me. There is so much to be done and so little time to do it in.
Resolution 2 - Combine some exercise with cleaning tasks in the home and also take 5 minutes a day to clean up some type of clutter - a very small time but the effects will add up. Get by the best I can until summer when I will not be working and not let this get to me now.
The under confidence comes from watching all the progress I made previously evaporate. I am in danger if I don't change of not only being back where I was but going into previously uncharted territory. I need to take control of my life now.
Resolution 3 - Start with small steps and be accountable by recording what I am doing. Build up the old "self-confidence" one successful step at a time. I need to feel that I know I can do it again.
Finally, I would love to have one, or a few good friends, to "kick butt" with. When I started Spark I had a few of these friends and it gave me a reason to log into Spark more than just spinning the wheel to get points. I would look forward to checking in and seeing where they were and sharing accomplishments and failures. I miss that. The friends have slowly faded away from Spark.
I enjoy following my "friend feed" daily but would like a deeper friendship. I have plenty of "friends" (acquaintances) but not the type I talking about here. I would like to find that special friend or friends that I can share with. If you are feeling you would like this kind of friendship please contact me. I would love to find a good friend to go through this journey with.