Saturday, November 19, 2011
When I had a goal of walking a quarter marathon, I walked.
When I had a goal of swimming from Alcatraz to the mainland (until it sold out and I missed out) I swam.
When I was headed toward my 20 year class reunion and hating the idea that I was soooo heavy, I lost weight.
It's strange. I set a goal, I work toward the goal and *gasp* I accomplish things. It's just astonishing. *eye roll*
It's time to reboot my reboot, which was totally hosed by my work getting in the way (it's hard to reboot when you don't have time even have time for adequate sleep). Time to get the show back on the road!
I'm not giving up. I'm not giving in. I may be up a few pounds, but in the immortal words of Lindsey Buckingham (I saw him live a few weeks ago) "I'm Never Going Back Again". It sounds better when he sings it than when I say it.
The point is that this is a marathon, not a sprint. A half marathon, a slow marathon, but a marathon kind of deal all the same.
I started this whole thing, mentally at least, about 13 months ago. At that time I was a dirty smoker. I couldn't swim more than 2 lengths at a time and 15-20 total. I weighed over 300 pounds. I was headed toward shopping at Omar the Tent Maker's Clothing Emporium. My self esteem was total crap. I felt like a failure as a female for my inability to get knocked up. On and on and on. You should have heard my internal monologue... actually, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.
Anywho, I'm up a few pounds, but relative to this time last year, I'm seeing wins all around.
I did a quarter marathon this year. WIN. I couldn't do 3.2 mph for an entire hour before.
I can swim a mile without batting an eye and I've had to buy a new smaller suit. WINNNNNNNN.
I have tried yoga and Zumba and running and spinning and kickboxing.
I've learned that my skin and my hair and my mood are all improved by "eating clean."
With the exception of a lovely cigar last month, I'm smoke free and not quite irrationally pleased about it. Insanely pleased, but not irrationally. :)
Did I mention that I actually like exercising? Seriously. This is a stunning development and may result in some sort of "we interrupt this programming" kind of event. Seriously. I like to exercise. Whodathunkit? Check it: I miss exercise when I can't do it. Freakish, huh?
I've done some intensive internal work on how I talk to myself. A lot. It was harder than getting my large self on the treadmill at unholy hours, but I did it. I'm prouder of that than I am of the smaller pant size.
So as much as I am completely underwhelmed by my current stall and small gain, I'm pretty freaking overjoyed when I compare today with this time last year. (If you know me at all, you know that it can be really hard for me to set aside my overachiever ways and look at the bright side, so this is a major accomplishment.)
Digress, digress, digress.... as usual. Ooooh, shiny things.
I need goals, big ones. Little ones. Meaningful ones. Motivating goals. I need to have a goal that is important enough to me that when I think about it, I put down the fork. A goal that helps me say, "No thank you, I'd rather not have that delicious cupcake, sprinkled with cracktacular goodness of indescribable tonguejoy, I'd prefer to be thin."
So, here is a partial list for 2012, which I will need to add on to rather extensively:
5Ks. Lots of them. Warm ones, cold ones, fast ones, slow errrr, faster ones, lots of ones where I don't have to dodge people with strollers. 5ks for good causes. 5ks for silly reasons (we have a dead celebrity run around here somewhere).
I'd will jog/run an entire 5k in 2012 without having a massive heart attack and dying or wetting myself during the race.
Half marathon, I may not run/jog the whole thing, but I'm doing one. Preferably The Pig in Cincy. It's possible, Pig. (Slipping Princess Bride references into my writing whenever humanly possible isn't ADD, it's just who I am.)
Swim from Alcatraz to the mainland. I'd like to do the Sharkfest, but with school and such I'm going to take what I can get on whatever date I can get it.
Weight that starts with a 1.
Be able to do a yoga inversion. A cool one. One that makes me feel all yogini and such. A handstandy type one maybe. The kind of thing that makes new yoga people look at more experienced yoga people and think, "I could never do that."
I want my belly to be far smaller, so it quits getting in the way of yoga poses.
I intend to meet some Spark peeps, who may be disappointed that I'm not funny in person. Has anyone heard of a meetup for 2012?
My final goal is to fail miserably at all of my weight loss goals in 2012. My biggest goal is to gain 10 pounds in 2012. I plan to fail, and be bigger around than I have been in my entire life. I intent to be ginormous in 2012. I plan to get pregnant.
Anyone else looking forward to 2012 with some goal setting?
Friday, November 04, 2011
Almost forgot to blog today, after I said I would (try) for 7 days straight. So my first success is remembering to blog.
I acquired a gel seat for bike riding. My butt made me do it. I figure it can't hurt, and since eleventy billion Sparkers said it was a good idea, the $10 seemed like a small price to pay for butt relief. I violated my personal code of ethics by buying the dang thing in a store that I have sworn to not shop in, so this should tell you how much my hindquarters are barking.
I ate all vegan all day today and yesterday, which is a good thing, mostly because I hate myself for at least five days after having a non-vegan meal. Why you ask? Because my pits stink for 5 freaking days. No animal products = pits like angel farts. Animal products = stinky body. I never noticed before doing the Eat to Live thing, but now I do. Same thing with poo, if you were wondering, which I highly doubt.
Unfortunately realization #1.
I have to stop eating in restaurants. Period. I think my new rule shall be "if you can't track it, don't eat it." Or maybe I should just limit myself to one restaurant meal a week. I could save bazillions of dollars and spend it all on some awesome thing that I can't live without to be determined at a later date. Hmmmm. I bet if I quit chowing in restaurants long enough I could buy something nutty like a bike rack for my car. It might take a whole week or two, at the rate that I've been inhaling crack-food from fat pushers.
Anywho, I think restaurant eating is a big part of my weight stall, because unless I'm eating some low fat low calorie soup at Panera (which is still unholy high in sodium) I'm eating far more calories than I should.
Seriously, vegan or not, all restaurants make their food tasted yummylicious the same way--they add fat, and sugar, and more fat, and white flour and salt, some fat, maybe some MSG and then a sprinkle of, you guessed it, fat. This is a problem for my giant butt. The giant butt problem is that I don't want to have a giant butt, and restaurants are getting in the way. Fact. I hate this realization. I love restaurants. I love "perfect oatmeal" from Starbucks with a grande Awake tea soy latte with vanilla syrup. I love Szechuan green beans with tofu. I love all kinds of stuff that is really derailing my progress. I love vegetarian spring rolls and fried rice and apparently I love anything that can clog my arteries or make me ginormously fat. Boo. Booooooooooo. Don't even get me started on Pei Wei.
Dear fatty restaurant food,
I don't love you enough to stay fat the rest of my life to have you.
Jenn's Giant Ass
I think I've known this whole restaurant thing all along and chose to ignore it. No more denying it, besides, my fridge full of freggies is a waste if I don't eat at home.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
So today I shared a true fact of weight loss with a friend, and she looked at me like I was a weight loss messiah, a SuperJenn, a veritable Jenn Craig with a different last name, so I wanted to share the factoid with you.
Here we go, it's a goodie, so hold on, here it comes...
**When buying Halloween candy for distribution to oddly dressed minors, buy candy you don't like. That way, if there is some left over, there is no temptation.
See, I'm a bleeping genius!!!
So how did you like that? Pretty impressive, wasn't it? But wait, I have more!
**The vast majority of adults can't tell the difference between hunger and thirst, therefore it is a good idea to stay well hydrated throughout the day and when in doubt, have a big fat glass of water 20 minutes before a meal. (Medical fact isn't nearly as much fun as Halloween candy tips).
**TMI factoid: your pee should be very light yellow/colorless and clear if you are well hydrated.
But wait, there is more! If you act now, you can get another tip at the amazing rate of only $19.99, shipping and handling are extra!
One of my favorites:
**Take a salad to a potluck/carry-in/work buffet. That way you have no excuses for mashing naughty food into your face when you can start out by piling a plate with salad (or some other healthy dish).
Ok, so I shared my tips. Do you have some? I'd like to hear them! Really, I would.
The problem with tips is that sometimes it is hard to know if they are true or bogus.
I'm totally guilty of hearing a tip and doing a search of medical literature to see if it has a foundation in fact. For example: Drink coconut water, it is high in potassium and in a pinch you can use it as an IV fluid. Now doesn't that sound like a tip that came flying out of the bull$hit factory? Well, it's actually true. I hope I never get a coconut infusion. Ever.
Starvation mode? Largely a product of the behind of a large mammal named a bull, but also involves a long and detailed argument that I don't want to enter into here.
Some I haven't researched or haven't made up my mind about:
I'd love to know if the one about not losing weight as quickly if you swim as when you burn the same number of calories doing other exercise is true.
Does working out in the am really mean you burn more calories all day? (I hope so)
Is it true that being on your period means your metabolism is in high gear? (I doubt it)
Is it true most women can only gain about a pound of muscle a month, so the whole "you're gaining muscle" argument is largely for making cowpies?
Anyway, share your tip, I'd love to hear them. Pretty please? With no aspartame on top? I promise I won't search for them in the medical journals, unless they seem absurd, and then I will search, but I won't tell anyone.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
My butt is extremely displeased with me right now. Last night, in yoga, the instructor said "find your sit bones and root down into them." I think I heard a chortle from my sit bones when she said that. Or was it a scream? In reality, it was probably my butt saying @#$% you, since I presume my butt has the same potty mouth (pardon the pun) that I do.
My butt HURTS. Spinning, which I really like, is turning my butt into a source of pain and anguish. To be clear, my butt has never really been a source of sweetness and light, and it was producing death clouds yesterday, but it's never hurt like this. It's that seat. I've seen larger bananas. I've sat on more comfortable bricks. I think the Spinning seat people are sadists, gleefully designing smaller seats with less and less padding, pretending that Lance said it should be that way and we should all just shut up and be like Lance.
I went to the bike store and found the most padded shorts they offer. I about had an aneurysm and a heart attack at the same time when I realized they were $60, but I bought them. My butt made me do it. My butt threatened to do all sorts of unseemly and embaraassing things if I didn't put my debit card on the counter right that second and buy those extortion-priced diaper shorts. I did it.
It's slowly getting better. Each class my butt is a teeny-weeny-tiny-increment-of-pain better than previous. At this rate I should be pain free while Spinning in a year or so. My friends assure me that it won't take that long, but they are all jealous of me and my 265 pound butt that is begging for a bag of frozen peas, so they can't be trusted. No, they aren't really jealous, I made that part up.
My favorite part about spinning? Yoga! Spinning means I can go to yoga every day without sacrificing my goals. Part of my problem for the last 6 (8?) weeks is my new-found addiction to yoga. But yoga doesn't burn calories the way an hour on the treadmill or a spinning class does. Result? I'm bendy and happy and yoga glowy and maybe more toned, but I haven't lost a pound.
Yoga is doing great things for me emotionally, so I'm unwilling to give it up. Solution? Morning cardio. Swimming, Spinning and Treadmill, Oh My!
I was dry today at Spinning and didn't realize it. I was feeling kind of blah until I was half way through class and bam, I was feeling better than I had at the beginning and sweat started pouring out of me. I think it was the bottle and a half of water I had chugged hitting my system. That also explains why I felt off at yoga last night. DRINK! Must drink ample fluids. Doh!
So today is day one of project get my bruised butt in gear. Day 1 of my self imposed 7 day challenge. Someone recommended blogging each of those days, and I thought that was a good idea. It isn't like my fingers hurt, just my nether regions.
So far I'm doing great on the Great Jenn Reboot. 100 calorie almond pack. 1.25 Cups green peas, the starchy yummy ones. Cup of decaf Earl Grey (even though it is nearly impossible to get fantastic Earl Grey outside of England. I think this means I need to take a vacation to England! Shiny things. I digress. Oops. Sorry).
Anybody have one of those inflatable hemorrhoid cushions laying around that I can borrow? :)
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