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After All Tomorrow Is Another Day... When The Voices Get Evil

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Somehow that Gone With The Wind quote seemed appropriate.

I had a bad day yesterday, if you consider crying for hours on end, feeling miserable, being hatefully angry at everyone, verbally abusing one's self and thinking you are a total failure qualifies as "bad". I'm better today, but I would not say that I am good, give it a day and we can reevaluate.

It was the crying that, after 3 hours, led me to believe the majority of my feelings were hormone-driven, which was confirmed by my husband last night. ***TMI --Girl Functions Alert*** "Jenn, don't you remember how last month when you were getting ready to ovulate you gained 7 pounds in one day, and you said it was like a sick joke that you hated everyone and wanted to sit in a corner and cry and not want to be touched or consoled when you are most likely to be fertile?" Ahhh yes, how could I forget those two lovely days?

My husband is NOT a dumb man, he slept in the guest room last night. He was probably afraid of what I would do to him if he snored, or rolled over, or breathed in my general direction.

Cheffrey was good for my soul last night. He was also good for my giant butt, because he came home with 2 cups of my beloved pine nuts, saying "I assumed you were joking about me bringing home half a gallon of hollandaise".

My thoughts on yesterday:

I believe that if you are as overweight as I am, there are emotional issues tied up in your eating that you must examine, confront, examine again, own and understand if you want to get well. There is always an exception to every rule, so I won't say "everyone" because as soon as I do there will be someone out there who was kidnapped by aliens and force-fed nutrition while being probed in captivity on the mother ship to whom this does not pertain.

In my case, hormones (and fertility meds) can play a big role in how I cope and my view of myself, which I need to understand better so I can cope better. So, when I am ready to go off the rails, it may be beneficial to look at a FREAKING CALENDAR before I totally lose my marbles.

When the voices get evil, get out and away and moving or anything but sit and listen. After I posted a friend called and said let's go to the spa. I went. I didn't need to, it has only been a week since The Great Jenn Redo, but I went. Facial, mani, pedi. It was a salon school, so it was cheap. I'd give it a 5 on a scale of 10.

--I went to lunch, ordered something on plan, sat in the sunlight on the patio and soaked up some sun. This was good. Sunlight feels like magic medicine to me sometimes. 7/10



--I read my blog entry 176 reasons to lose 176 pounds, and oddly enough, I found myself pretty motivating. 8/10

--I tried on capris that have been in my closet for four years, too small, with the tags still on. I had to dust them off. I wore them to the spa. I didn't have the capacity to do the "My butt is smaller happy dance" but I will in the next day or so. 8/10

--While at the spa, I realized I could take the little butt capris off without unbuttoning them. 9/10

BAAAAAAD--The foolish thing I did was to come home, sit on the couch and cry, cry some more, cry until I was too dehydrated to cry, drink two bottles of water, and cry again. 1/10 I should have gone to a movie, picked up trash along the freeway, poop scooped the yard... anything would have been better than sitting and wallowing.

--I did come up with ways to measure my progress that did not include the scale (which will be going in the closet for a month):

**I tried on clothes that were supposed to fit--I'm now minus 3 pairs of pants that look silly, so I gave them to a friend. 7/10

**I looked at the "photo that started it all" and damn, even I can see the improvement. I've got to get a copy so I can show the world that horrific piece of fuschia fluff bridesmaid one shouldered greek tragedy. I just realized that I need to save that monstrosity of a dress for future photos. 4/10

**I'm seriously considering purchasing pants that do not fit, for the sole purpose of using them to monitor my progress in a non-scale way.

I've also come up with some challenges for myself, which I welcome you to try if you like.

1) Pics of me in my underwear. This will be painful for me, and extremely unattractive, but I have a bedrock, unshakeable, foundational belief that I WILL CONTINUE TO IMPROVE.
2)When I don't have a bedrock, unshakeable, foundational belief that I will continue to improve, I will behave like someone who DOES.
3) I will come up with a list of positive things about me that I can read, over and over if necessary, when the voices get ugly.
4) I have forgotten how much it helps me to help others, so I will increase the amount of time I spend encouraging first time bloggers on this site and my SparkPeeps.
5) I just realized I should take serial pics of myself in the Fuschia Pink Wedding Nightmare, won't that be a hoot? After a 5k, at different weigh ins like 40 lbs, 50 lbs, etc etc.

Thank you all for being my SparkPeeps. It is true that you can never have too many friends in this world. You inspire me every day and make me feel lucky to know you.









  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CEGILES 6/24/2011 11:52AM

  I've read several of your blog entries and they are very motivating! You have a way of putting a great spin on things. I will continue to read them and hopefully they will be part of what helps keep me motivated!!! Congratulations to you on your weight loss and hard work!!

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CURVESPARK 6/3/2011 7:56PM

    This made me laugh and I totally empathize. My TOM is always sparked by what I call the "grumps" and "paranoia" and "increased attention towards hot guys who walk by." Lol.

You're weight loss is amazing! What's your secret? Three pant sizes is a fantastic accomplishment.

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KSNANA2 6/2/2011 10:26PM

    I remember feeling like that when I was younger. My husband remembers those days too. I wouldn't want to go back. There are advantages to getting older. My moods are very steady now and I find joy in the smallest things. Contentment comes to mind. It was a fun read and I thank you. Hang in there!

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MARMEECHELLE 6/2/2011 9:29PM

  Thanks, just joined sparkpeople and this is first time reading blogs. Sympatheize with you and appreciate your honesty and openess. It always helps to have others who understand. We are not alone!

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WANNABEVERYFIT 6/2/2011 8:30PM

    Jenn, this is much better. I read your rant from several days ago, and I was so upset that you spoke about yourself so horribly. What's the old adage that our mothers used to say? "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I know its so very hard sometimes on this road to health discovery (not just self discovery.) Please, Please, Please just tell those ugly voices in your head to simply shut up and you have better things to do and concentrate on. Use the power of substitution and find other things to replace them with, even if is simply just saying "I am beautiful and I am learning to take care of myself." The more you say it out loud, the more you will start to hear it and really beleive it. take care, kim

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REDLACED 6/2/2011 7:49PM

    You are doing good!

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ATLANTABELLE 6/2/2011 1:30PM

    I am so glad I came across your blog. It's always insightful and never fails to make me laugh:) My husband can always tell when I'm starting to get hormonal. We go grocery shopping and I linger too long in the ice cream section, drooling.lol And then there's the fact that commercials make me lose it. I'll sit there bawling over a frigging publix commercial (don't know why it's always their commercials that get me.lol). Ah, the joys of being a woman emoticon

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 6/2/2011 1:22PM

    I cry a lot at that TOM too. I combat it with Prozac. And trying to engineer my environment so that snacky things are not available in case I feel like giving up and eating. If it's not there, I can't scarf it down.

The other thing that helps is a nice little app on my iPod called "P Tracker" which lets me log my periods and predicts when they're going to happen.

So if I start getting ridiculous depressions or the urge to eat beyond what is necessary I look at it, and usually sure enough I'm scheduled to have my period in the next few days.

It's kind of comforting to have that sort of confirmation that "Yes I AM crazy. But it's not my fault, it's my hormones. And no, it won't last forever. I'll feel better about things in a day or two at the longest." Knowing that makes it easier to listen when I remind myself that eating really *won't* make me feel any better in the long run. That the brief amount of time gulping down something will be offset by remorse that lasts much longer. And that the scale and % body fat might reflect it, too, if I do it too much.

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SDTALLY 6/2/2011 11:08AM

    Great insight!

How motivating that you can see outside influences and learn to manage them.

emoticon

Sharon

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RONOSOF 6/1/2011 11:58AM

    I LOVE THIS POST! Thank you and the awesome replies. Helps more than you will ever know.

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KLONG8 6/1/2011 1:17AM

    You're sharing good things with us...thanks. It all helps!

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ITSABSURD 6/1/2011 12:25AM

    Your blog is fantastic!

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DWILCZKO 6/1/2011 12:14AM

  u can do it!

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SSKELTON1 5/31/2011 10:30PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JANAAT147 5/31/2011 9:32PM

  Hi, I am new and I look for a new blog every day I am on the website. I like your idea of taking pics at different levels. I was actually thinking of taking pics of myself at 5 year intervals. I have a 3 year old niece and I am 52! I should be her grandmother! I want her to see me when she is 52 and I am long gone...

Thanks for being candid, I can relate to everything.
Jana

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NELLBELLA26 5/31/2011 9:12PM

    I absolutely adore your blogs. Keep on writing because you have a flair for it. You have a winning attitude and that is going to carry you far on this journey you have started. emoticon emoticon

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ROXY27_29 5/31/2011 8:47PM

    emoticon

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ANGIE_JCFD520 5/31/2011 7:25PM

    Wow, you are so good at putting down the feelings that not only you, but most of us have had. When you are feeling down, log on to SP and look at your beautiful picture smiling at you. I love your profile pic!

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GIRLIEA 5/31/2011 7:08PM

    Your blogs inspire me sooo much!
Sometimes you gotta just cry girl, don't be so hard on yourself about that! Liquid prayers is all that is.
Anyway, thanks for your candid blogs! They really are so great!

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HKARLSSON 5/31/2011 6:58PM

    What is it about ovulation that brings on insanity?!?! And absurd amounts of weight gain!!! What is up with that? And, yes, I must hide the scale, too, or I'll end up fracturing bathroom mirrors and splintering doors.

But, hey!!! Being able to take off the four-year-old capris without unbuttoning is a major accomplishment! Keep up the good work, and keep moving! emoticon

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BLOOMING52 5/31/2011 6:41PM

    Keep going.

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FARWELLCLAY 5/31/2011 5:57PM

    That dress, that moment, it's an inspiration. Reconnecting with what inspired you is important, especially at the bleak moments when you've forgotten what exactly was the powerful push that got you going on this journey. I have to collect those for my Spark Page so I can find the easily. Hugs to you, Jenn.

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NESSA_79 5/31/2011 5:47PM

    WISHING YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST! emoticon

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LAURABEAR41 5/31/2011 5:28PM

  Cry when you need to but remember to stop crying and look at where you started and know that the journey may feel like forever but baby steps are steps none the less. Keep moving forward just keep moving.

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SAPPHIRE99 5/31/2011 3:48PM

    We all have a fuschia wedding nightmare. I'm guessing it was chosen by the skinny bride for the skinny bridesmaid with no consideration for what everybody else would look like in it? Watching it get bigger and bigger until it finally swamps you is all it's good for.

And buying a pair of jeans that are too small is a great idea. There are all sorts of moments of elation: the moment when you can get both legs in them, the moment when they'll do up if you don't breathe, and best of all the moment when they actually fit!

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MOTOGIRL2 5/31/2011 2:57PM

    I love your blogs! You are so real and inspiring. Your lunch looks delicious too! I have 3 pairs of size 16 pants in my closet that I will fit in by the end of the summer. I have had them for a year, but I will fit in them this y summer!

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ROJAKHAN 5/31/2011 2:48PM

    emoticon

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ABISMITHY 5/31/2011 2:20PM

    Thanks for blogging, you have such a great sense of humour - your blogs are a pleasure to read always.

Your personal journey helps so many others, no wonder you're a popular blogger!

Hormones are the root of all evil!!! I should know, they've caused many a tear and disagreement in our house in the past!

Enjoy your "My butt is smaller happy dance!"!

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NANCYRUBIO 5/31/2011 1:54PM

    How I enjoyed your blog. When you do one on your good traits make sure to include your dry sense of humor. Sounds like you had a good time. Keep it up!

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ITSACLAIRE 5/31/2011 1:39PM

    I am the same way - I go crazy right around ovulation, but right before my period I'm usually fine. It is so frustrating!!

Anyway. You are a beautiful, intelligent, and inspiring woman! Keep your chin up.

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WINNIETHAX 5/31/2011 1:12PM

    emoticon

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MOMOFJACKK 5/31/2011 1:06PM

  I buy a pair of pants a size smaller. Have a pair of 10s, I can squeeze into at this point. By end of summer want to be able to wear them.

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DOTTYCAT 5/31/2011 12:57PM

  Okay, here's mine. Hope it helps.

Think about love. Think about the kindness of love, the comfort of love, the acceptance and warmth of love, the simplicity and generosity and forgiveness of love. Think about the gentleness of love, the patience of love, the compassion of love. Think about the refuge and relief of love. Think about love.

That, I believe, is God. Love itself, perfect, eternal and infinite, flowing among all of us, shared as our birthright, our love uniting us and living on within God. There is nothing to fear. It's love itself that is the God we seek, here within all of us and living on forever. Love has always been here.

The rest, I believe, is nature. Our bodies and our minds, the self we identify as soul, heredity and upbringing, all part of nature. There is no evil, only nature, a broad scape from marvels of beauty to tragic aberrations, all nature, all fleeting. All of nature shares the same preoccupations at its own level...we seek food, continuation of our species, pleasure, safety, status and territory. Those are the things of nature and the joys they give us are the gifts of nature.

But our greatest days are made of love, in hours of unbearable loss, it's love that comforts us. We thrive on it, we long for it. With love, we do what we would have thought impossible, through love we make the miracles that others are praying for. It's through our own love that God comes into the world.

Our prayers have already been answered. We have been given love, it is already here for us. Hunger and sickness, sadness and loneliness, fear and cruelty...what we can't overcome with love, we can comfort with love so that none suffer alone and abandoned.

This, I believe, is our purpose. To free our love from the fearful cautions of nature, to let love dissolve the divisions that separate us, to look for love in every other being and find God. With love, we live as in heaven.

Think about love often, nurture love within yourself, give over some time of your days to meditate on love, to pray that we will have more love. Think about love and pray that one day we will all have the love we need for all the world.

This is not a religion and there is no need for money, preachers, books, or buildings. The truth is in love itself and the only outward sign of love is love. This is for you, offered in hope that it will help. The person who wrote this is an ordinary person of unexceptional virtue who will say nothing further.

loveisthegodweseek.
org




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DOTTYCAT 5/31/2011 12:57PM

  Okay, here's mine. Hope it helps.

Think about love. Think about the kindness of love, the comfort of love, the acceptance and warmth of love, the simplicity and generosity and forgiveness of love. Think about the gentleness of love, the patience of love, the compassion of love. Think about the refuge and relief of love. Think about love.

That, I believe, is God. Love itself, perfect, eternal and infinite, flowing among all of us, shared as our birthright, our love uniting us and living on within God. There is nothing to fear. It's love itself that is the God we seek, here within all of us and living on forever. Love has always been here.

The rest, I believe, is nature. Our bodies and our minds, the self we identify as soul, heredity and upbringing, all part of nature. There is no evil, only nature, a broad scape from marvels of beauty to tragic aberrations, all nature, all fleeting. All of nature shares the same preoccupations at its own level...we seek food, continuation of our species, pleasure, safety, status and territory. Those are the things of nature and the joys they give us are the gifts of nature.

But our greatest days are made of love, in hours of unbearable loss, it's love that comforts us. We thrive on it, we long for it. With love, we do what we would have thought impossible, through love we make the miracles that others are praying for. It's through our own love that God comes into the world.

Our prayers have already been answered. We have been given love, it is already here for us. Hunger and sickness, sadness and loneliness, fear and cruelty...what we can't overcome with love, we can comfort with love so that none suffer alone and abandoned.

This, I believe, is our purpose. To free our love from the fearful cautions of nature, to let love dissolve the divisions that separate us, to look for love in every other being and find God. With love, we live as in heaven.

Think about love often, nurture love within yourself, give over some time of your days to meditate on love, to pray that we will have more love. Think about love and pray that one day we will all have the love we need for all the world.

This is not a religion and there is no need for money, preachers, books, or buildings. The truth is in love itself and the only outward sign of love is love. This is for you, offered in hope that it will help. The person who wrote this is an ordinary person of unexceptional virtue who will say nothing further.

loveisthegodweseek.
org




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WADINGMOOSE 5/31/2011 12:21PM

    I love that every day when I log in, I'm sure to see another of your blog posts in the popular list. Way to go. Plus, it's awesome reading how other people are dealing with the same issues I am!

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SILENTE8 5/31/2011 12:05PM

  I have hormone issues too. Thanks so much for sharing your journey!

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DIGDEEPNOFEAR 5/31/2011 11:47AM

    If we never struggle we never learn, good on ya for choosing to learn! We are all struggling but we are doing it together!

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REDHEAD582 5/31/2011 11:27AM

    THe smaller clothes was my biggest motivator. I loved pulling out smaller clothes from my closet and then having to go an buy even smaller at the store. The scale moved, but sometimes stopped, and I was ok with that. My underwear seemed to always fit??? go figure!

Thanks for sharing. And yes post some pics.

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AISEAROFIN 5/31/2011 10:50AM

  Hormones!!! GRRRRR I won't say any more about that!
Just though I would add to what a lot of other people have already said - love your blog...and I am curious to see this fuschia dress you are talking about! lol emoticon

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KATV865 5/31/2011 10:34AM

    Great blog, I love your positive attitude and honesty.

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MISSFORTE 5/31/2011 9:35AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROBINASH1 5/31/2011 9:17AM

  Love your sense of humor, this is so true! emoticon

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ASHOAF1 5/31/2011 8:55AM

  Your blogs are amazing. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much.

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VANMETRE70 5/31/2011 8:47AM

    I love reading your blogs. Your honesty gets to the heart of the matter.

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BLAKQWEN 5/31/2011 8:32AM

  Keep your faith! We all have bad days and we know that we can never stay down forever...we have to rise at some point. A better tomorrow is out there for us! May not come when we expect it but it will come.

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JLEMUS1 5/31/2011 8:01AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EMGERBER 5/31/2011 7:58AM

    Yes I have had really bad days, but I never give up. I know you can get passed this and keep moving towards your goals.

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ENCY23 5/31/2011 7:48AM

    Another great blog and please please please do the serial photos in the fushia nightmare! That sounds like a great idea to keep seeing your progress as well as something fun for you to share with all of us out here in sparkland!

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BELLABLUE415 5/31/2011 7:21AM

  Yup, I get that way too. I know it's going to be one of those days when I wake up and the first thought in my mind is how many hours until I can come back to the bed. I am going to have to find some "productive" tasks to do instead of sitting on the sofa. Once I am on the sofa, I have to spend the entire time trying not to eat. Ugh.

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MRSSCHENCK 5/31/2011 6:57AM

    I read your blog "176 reasons to lose 176 pounds." It was great. This one is too! I'm not to pleasant to be around before, during or after my TOM. My poor family! Hubby is smart and he keeps me happy. He always has chocolate on standby for me. emoticon

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I'm a Miserable Failure and I Will Always Be Fat

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I went to the gym yesterday, but only because I bought new workout shoes and I told myself they were going back to the store if I didn't use them that very night, because if I didn't, then I didn't deserve them.



I took a picture of my new workout shoes to show all of you, but all I could think was "way to go retard, now everyone will know that you are too stupid to do laundry correctly because your socks look yellow". (Please bear in mind that I don't usually use words like "retard" but it seemed fair game in my time of self-loathing, as always, I am far crueler to myself than I would ever be to others)

I feel myself on the slippery slope of self-hate. The voice of cruel truth getting louder and louder, the slope getting more slippery and harder to climb. Good luck finding gym shorts, lardass, they don't make them in your size because no one in their right mind would want to see you in them. How on earth did you let yourself get to the highest levels of revolting? The worst one seems the loudest, echoing in my brain--Jeff must be some kind of desperate moron to have married you, you are an embarrassment, you are disgusting and he deserves someone who isn't gross.

The treadmill felt like torture, the entire time I was on it I thought about what a colossal failure I am at weight loss, and how I'm going to be wearing a size 22 to my class reunion in 132 days, give or take a few hours. I started thinking, maybe I could go on the Biggest Loser, then I could lose some serious weight (even though I'm not a fan of the show and not totally sold on the idea of losing that quickly).

I'm pretty sure the other treadmiller in the theater room thought I was nuts when I took this:



I set a new PR on the treadmill last night, but I didn't enjoy it because I was too angry at myself, too busy making myself feel worse. It is times like these when it is dangerous to be a wordsmith. I can filet myself emotionally with words in my head that slice like a rapier, I don't need the fencing lessons for that.

I discovered that I can push the mph up to about 5.2 mph with a 1 percent incline for a few minutes at a time, but because I'm so ginormous, I have to do this weird walky-run thing. You know what I'm talking about, it's what you see fit 75 year olds doing, it's like a low impact jog. I looked redonkulous. I had such loathing and hate for myself, that I didn't even appreciate the accomplishment. All I could feel is the overwhelming weight of failure on my shoulders. I know I looked the way I felt, slumped, defeated and fat.

I've eaten very well since I got back from the wedding, and since getting home (I actually didn't gain any weight from the wedding cake breakfast weekend, mostly because while I ate food that was horrible in quality, I didn't go bonkers on the quantity) I've gained four pounds and that was post poo. (Are you honestly going to try to tell me that I am the only one who weighs post pee and poo?) That is despite staying in my calorie range, doing some mega cardio and doing all the right things.

I look to the scale to affirm what I am doing, you know, Oh Looky, my kickboxing classes and eating right paid off, I have lost a pound.... or conversely, let's evaluate the damage done by the vegan pizza I had this weekend.

I'm frustrated and angry and all I want to do is hide.

Today I am putting my faith in physics, which tells the smallest most logical part of my brain that if you get 287 pounds moving for an hour every day, and you eat a proper amount of calories, the weight therefore must come off. Physics tells me that an hour of kickboxing, walking/elderly jogging, weight training, swimming, etc has to work.

So until the scale starts moving, and even if it doesn't, I'm going to keep moving. I'd rather be 287 pounds doing some geriatric jog than 287 pounds sitting on the couch.

I may be a total failure, but I'm a total failure that is going to the gym today. I'm going to do at least an hour on the treadmill and maybe I'll do a mile in the pool as punishment for being pathetic and whiney. Can't hurt, right? I will just turn up the tunes to drown out the sound of my own negative and brutal voice.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BONZIM 8/15/2011 11:04PM

    Oh my goodness! Yes we have all had days like this. But you need some positive thinking to get you back on the path. I think the same thing about me sometimes. I have been up and down and up and down so many times. I am making you a friend because I relate to you so much.
emoticon

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GYPSIE1979 6/19/2011 3:41PM

  I absolutely love you! you remind me of me so much that I have hope--there
I will stop commenting on everything you post now to avoid looking stalkerish but I CANT HELP IT
you cheered me up
ME
the uncheerable
Im counting on you to keep me going
I love the way you write
consider saving it all and writing a book
Love it


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MINKABONET 6/9/2011 4:18AM

    It's upsetting to hear you slam yourself so hard. It's amazing just how disturbed we get about weight and -- at times -- self-worth in general. Sorry your inner judge has been so active lately.

Congrats for buying the new shoes and getting on the treadmill, ESPECIALLY while being bombarded by all those negative thoughts. Hats off to you.

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SPESIC 6/9/2011 12:38AM

  Im the worst for negative self talk. It's nice to have someone else say how I feel and what I'm thinking.

I have a hard time appreciating what I'm doing for myself and comstantly criticize everything I do wrong, hmmm I wonder if this will ever go away?

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TUMMELSNAIL 6/5/2011 7:15PM

  self hate is a great motivator, I use it all the time. "come on you pathetic fat POS emoticon. you can't jog for one lousy minute...why?" Here's hoping my body starts to revolt against my brain, and show it who's a fat POS.

Good luck and I love your blog.

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MINDIE31 6/5/2011 10:58AM

    I started losing weight at 299 and had days like yours. My dear husband told me to find 1 thing I liked about myself and then find 2 more. Everyday he had me do the same thing. Sometimes the only thing I liked about myself was my hair or my smile. Now I find a lot of things I like about myself. Give it a shot and by the way - Love the new tennis shoes. You are doing just fine. Give yourself a hug and keep going forward.

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VIRGO_QUEEN 6/4/2011 8:20PM

    I think you're doing great! keep up the good job. I have days when I feel like this. It used to be everyday, then as time went on, I realized that this is not how i wanted to live my life. if i can't love myself, then how can i expect anyone else to love me? trust me you're worth this journey. We all are.

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MELLABELLAS 6/3/2011 12:26AM

    I think that you are doing an awesome job. Keep it up. I know it can be hard not to talk negatively to yourself. But you are doing really well.
Shhhh I weigh myself post poo!

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PBINGER 6/2/2011 11:11PM

    Just found your blogs (this was ranked one of the most popular).
Absolutely love how raw and honest you are, and I think I love your blogs even more because I can relate to every emotion you express here - the self loathing, etc.
If nothing else, know you are not alone in it, and we CAN overcome!!

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OUTKASTCHIK01 6/2/2011 12:02PM

  i love the 'elderly jogging' term lol. just keep at it! and keep believing in the physics :) blessings on your weight loss journey. thanks for sharing

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SKINNYKAT155 6/1/2011 11:30PM

    Alright buddy you have been added as a friend. How are you a failure again? According to your ticker you lost almost 30 pounds! Losing 30 pounds is better than gaining any amount. You can totally do this. Get off of your slippery slope of self hate and channel that energy into positive thinking. You are beautiful! And your man sees your beauty, not you as a fat, tub of lard, loser.

Hang in there. You will make it to your goal. We didn't become overweight overnight so we have to have patience. You are about my size/weight right now give or take a few pounds. Lets do this woman!

When I go to the gym I really push it on the elliptical and treadmill and I imagine that the skinny people behind me are out of shape and they can't hang as long as I can. It keeps my mind off of thinking they are like, "Hey look at that fat girl on the elliptical." In my head it is more like, "Oh my God she is STILL going? I can barely do 20 minutes and she has been on for an hour!"

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BEVBHORTON 6/1/2011 8:49PM

  Success and failure starts in the mind. You can be a success, just do not give up on yourself and work really hard to achieve your goal. "Rome was not built in a day."

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TUBLADY 6/1/2011 7:32PM

    I don't know how you can call your self a failure???
You are doing something about turning your life around.
Are you expecting instant results from probably years of not eating the healthiest or working out as much as you should?
If you can fit into a size 22 at 287, you are doing better than I did.
Take it easy on yourself. Be more positive.
Know that each day you stick to your food plan, each time your exercise you are working toward that desired weight.
You do have to be consistent .
Stick to your workout plan, every week, it will give you results. But only if you are eating right too.
I know what it's like, I was 333 am now 160, am one of those old people, 69, only old in numbers. I go to the gym every day but Sunday.
You will achieve success, it just take time.
Take care,
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAT592 6/1/2011 5:22PM

    Thanks for sharing the blog. I do that to myself too some days. I know I should celebrate my successes, but sometimes I am so impatient, wanting immediate results that all I can do is be mean to myself. And man does my inner hate voice have a lot to say (I call her Elvira by the way).

Keep up the good work. You will see numbers. Kat

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RCW0442EHS 6/1/2011 4:49PM

    I'm struggling to see how any of this makes you a failure. You're making good decisions and you're doing what you need to do to get things done and that in itself makes you a success or however you look at it, at least on the road to success. You're doing great so try not to be so hard on yourself.

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GODDESSHIPS 6/1/2011 4:36PM

    I think it is awesome that at 287lbs you are able to fit into a size 22. I'd be like a size 30. I was a size 22 at 220lbs. You must be tall. Find a way to love your body as is and it will be cake transforming it. It worked for me.

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CGMCMANUS2020 6/1/2011 4:20PM

    You are not a failure...but refreshing. I can sympathize with how you feel since my reunion is coming up as well. And, I might even skip that since Facebook allows me to talk with anyone I want to...and that is if I want to.

Try walking outside if you can. I have found that if I walk one direction, I always have to walk back...whether I like it or not!

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SARAHMAC1978 6/1/2011 4:15PM

    Dude. 5.2mph on the treadmill isn't a geriatric pace. Stop wasting your energy beating yourself up.

By the way, what's up with your yellow socks?

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 6/1/2011 4:03PM

    You are right--moving that much bulk for an hour has to have results! And you are also right--I always weight post pee and post poo. I also have a lighter pair of glasses I wear for the weigh-in. If I could see the damned scale without my glasses I would weigh without them, but I have tried putting them on afterwards, and the scale always goes OFF before I get them on and see what it says. Poor vision sucks. Of course it's not as bad as my other flaws, so why pick on that?

Just keep moving that fat a$$ and those pounds will come off. Let's be blunt! I moved mine (and you can see how fat my a$$ was on my spark picture page) and lost a few, so I know everybody can do it. Because believe me, I'm not self-disciplined, I'm not an athlete, and I LOVE food. YOU GO GIRL!

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POLLKAT 6/1/2011 3:26PM

    Hey you putzhead!! Yes you. Never call yourself a failure. Look at all you have accomplished and what all you are still attempting to do. I, on the other hand, have allowed my "failure thinking" to get the best of me and I have actually gained 14 lbs of what I worked so hard to take off. All because I allowed my emotions to direct my actions. Yes I am a total emotional eater and yes your hormones and inner workings do effect your attitude. We both simply need to plan, prepare and be forewarned about what will await us each day, each month and around each corner. You are doing great!! Yea we will have bad days, but our good days will triumph over any difficulty!! Keep looking ahead. Look where you have come, not where you were!! You aren't there anymore!! You're a superior awesome woman who will reach goal before you know it!!

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ROSE-MARY 6/1/2011 2:39PM

    A lot of people find the gym a daunting and hateful place because they think other people are looking at them. Truth is no one really cares what you look like or what size you are as they are too busy trying not to fall off the equipment! Those that are extremely fit are too busy checking form. When I go down the gym I am impressed by everyone who has managed to drag their carcass from in front of the telly and get down the gym, it always feels like the longest trip of your life. I've been on a plateau for a long time and when I feel down about it somebody on SP pulls me out of the brink of despair by listening to my rant. You have already made some friends with a whole heap of people who read your blog and feel your pain so just keep going, you are not alone

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JUTYMO 6/1/2011 1:48PM

  Well if you choose to believe your subject line, it'll probably come true. I hope this is sarcasm at it's finest. You write well and I'm sure can be very entertaining. But you need to HELP yourself not HINDER. I'm as negative about myself as the next but I try to see the positive in what I'm attempting to do. Maybe I lie to myself in a good way (I only ate one little caramel, no need to add it to food list...). You're lying to yourself in a BAD way (I'm a Miserable Failure and I Will Always Be Fat). Don't let that be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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GETDONE 6/1/2011 1:47PM

    emoticon emoticonROCK ON LADY~~
Hows the anger working for you? Looks like that is how ya get yourself going. emoticon

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KIKI601 6/1/2011 12:03PM

  How can you call yourself a failure when you go to the Gym, I do most of my excerise at home because I know there alot of skinny people there looking discusted at those who of Us who are overweight. If you were the failure you woul be sitting on that coutch. I'll even bet when the 132 days comes around you will be less than that size 22. As far as that biggest loser show, I liked the very first one when it was actually about losing weight. Now its so much drama and all about the money, if you were to see half of them now there probally heavier that when they went on.

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ANGELEYES328 6/1/2011 11:51AM

    Nice to know that someone other than me has those feelings. But since we are doing something about our weight..we are not failures :). We are winners for recognizing our previous failures and changing them.

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SKAUT77 6/1/2011 11:41AM

    Thank you so much for sharing that!I think we all feel that way sometimes - ok a lot of the time - but it's so nice to come hear and know that I'm not alone with this struggle. It takes guts to share this with other people and I just wanted to say thanks!

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ABISMITHY 6/1/2011 11:32AM

    You are not a miserable failure - you are getting up and going to the gym. That is amazing. You are pushing yourself and that's amazing too. You are not taking the easy way out.

I went to the gym on Monday and spoke to a lady who lost 92lbs. She said she was doing lots of exercise for months and nothing was moving from the scale, then almost "suddenly" things started to happen. To look at her now you would have no idea that she had to lose 92lbs. She's 53, fit and healthy. She's just a bit frustrated as she's starting to go through menopause so is all over the place hormonally - but she's still pushing herself to go to the gym.

Take some time on the SP website and find some success stories, there is no shortage of them... you'll be one of them one day I have no doubt. Reading about others' successes really helps me focus on reaching my goals... learning from their mistakes and my own (I'm a night time snacker) to help me move from fat girl to fit girl.

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MINT*LINT 6/1/2011 11:12AM

    Thank you! I say the same things to myself all the time, and while people don't always agree, some do, and it's all I can ever hang on to. I use my own self-loathing as motivation to keep myself going. It's a daily decision of whether I'm going to try to feel good about myself by doing something about it, or fall into the abyss of acceptance and defeat.

Keep going! I know you can do it! Thank you for inspiring me today

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LNWOLF72 6/1/2011 10:42AM

    A failure would not have hit the gym...everyone has bad days where they look in the mirror and say OMG how did I let this happen to myself. YOU picked yourself up and kept on going instead of giving up. Its easy to say "Oh well I'm fat might as well get used to it and buy some bigger clothes" but YOU are not saying that. YOU are going to the gym! YOU are trying. YOU WILL DO THIS!

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SOFT_VAL67 6/1/2011 10:37AM

    the treadmill just isnt for me, i get so bored.
but i like your physics plan....i need to think that over.

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GAILSQUEST 6/1/2011 10:32AM

    You are so lucky that you can walk on a treadmill.I used to take advantage of my feet.I injured my heels almost a month ago and I am just getting well enough to carefully try some cardio.i know a lot of it has to do with my weight.This is my wake up call.I have to drop some pounds before I do permanent damage.

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CASSANDRA515 6/1/2011 10:30AM

  you dont have to worry about how poorly you ran today. all you have to think about is that tomorrow you will do a little bit better. ^_^

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GLO9654 6/1/2011 9:41AM

  I know how you feel with the self loathing because when i weighed in at 276lbs and was told i was pre diabetic I sat there at the doctors office feeling like a fat discusting pig and hearing her speech of you know "you've been a patient of mine for a long time and you need to lose weight" like I didn't know i was FAT,just made it worse!! I just couldn't believe I was 24lbs away from being 300lbs at 5'5!! THAT day changed my life!! I started going to a nutritionist,joined a gym and got a personal trainer!! 3 months later i lost 36lbs and feel like a complete different person,I may have a lot more to go but I am focused and motivated to TAKE CARE OF ME NOW!! YOU CAN DO THIS!! slow and steady wins the race,don't lose focus in what you want and remember you didn't gain all the weight in one day and your not gonna lose it all in one day!! Start Loving you and everything else will fall into place!! GOOD LUCK :)

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HAPPYHISTORIAN 6/1/2011 8:54AM

    You're NOT a "total failure" because you got up and went to the gym! Would a failure do that? No! She would sit on the couch and eat Doritos. emoticon

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SJFROSTY1 6/1/2011 7:58AM

    Gosh, you sound so much like me!!! I have been exercising for about 2 months now regularly but the weight is just not budging. I am firming up but have only lost 10 pounds... I have been trying to figure out why?!?! but I have the same attitude as you - I will keep it up and it's gotta work sometime! Thanks for posting this - I needed it today! :)

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STEFFYBABYSTAR 6/1/2011 7:50AM

    Good luck!! I know how hard it is to feel the self-hate. I have been struggling with self-esteem issues since high school. I think that one thing that really helped in the recent years were the motivational notes I "hid" around the house. i made tons of them, like "you can do it" and "you are beautiful" and stuck them in every nook and cranny in the house. It may sound corny, but every time I come across one randomly in a drawer or book that I had forgotten about, its a great reminder! And I am feeling particularly low when I find one, I make myself list different reasons for why I am beautiful, or how I know I will be able to achieve a goal. (Maybe you didn't lose 5 pounds today, but you did make dinner for a friend or finish a school semester, or you do a good deed, all different things to be proud of!)
I hope you remember that you are not a miserable failure; you are in fact on a long path which won't end until you die. If you haven't reached the end yet, how could you possibly think you failed?!?!
And congrats on your PR!!

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KAITMEND 6/1/2011 7:34AM

    emoticon

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FLYING2007 6/1/2011 7:18AM

    Oh my gosh - I just want to find you and give you a hug!

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TINYDANCER 6/1/2011 6:46AM

    Post pee and poo. yay for you saying what most of us (not me, I say what I think) would never dare type. You are my kinda woman. I hear that old fit person run is SEXY. Work it!!
Have a fantabulous day! emoticon

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PETITFLOUR 6/1/2011 4:08AM

    I wonder why so many of us think that same ting and where it comes from. Is it someone who gave us the perception that we are not good enough or are we just believing it due to unrealistic rolemodeling on TV and in magazines. Let's go on a search for our insecurity, if you don't know yet, what causes you these thoughts.

Good luck on your way to finding yourself.

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SHAYB17 6/1/2011 1:13AM

    I like posting mantras on my bathroom mirror. That way, every time I go in I read it and it helps

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HOTIN2012 6/1/2011 1:12AM

    I know exactly how you feel except all the negative self talk was an actual conversation i had with my husband about a year and a half ago. where he told me exactly what you are thinking. Hearing those words everyday in my head, is what got me to get my clothes ready every night and to the gym after work everyday. I would only last 15 minutes on the treadmill at a 3.0 then move on to the elliptical for 15 then to the stairmaster. To keep me moving and from leaving and giving up. Sadly it took that huge event to get me to do this. Dont give up, take it one work out at a time, but you must plan for it everyday. I dont hear those words anymore, Now I hear the compliments that other people have been giving me. Good luck!

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JJ4311 6/1/2011 12:52AM

  :) So I've been going through similar self hatred. I've been stuck on a friggin' plateau since March, with random bounces +6 pounds and back down again. I was calling myself every name in the book and trying everything from not eating, to calorie cycling, to 2+ hours of cardio and half an hour of weight training...etc. etc. I've almost thrown in the towel several times. I usually weigh in the morning, but tonight I stood on the scale because someone had moved it and I thought I might as well.

Guess what? I was 4 pounds lighter than my lightest morning. 10 pounds lighter than my 6 pound jump days. I put my scale back where I usually use it. Turn it one way, and I'm old low +6. Turn it the other way, and it was the old low. Move it anywhere else in my freaking house, and I am 4 pounds below what I thought was my lowest.

Keep in mind that in the a.m., I weigh naked, after using the bathroom, before eating or drinking. I just weighed fully clothed, after dinner and 32 oz. of liquid. When my scale was where I always weigh myself, my weight was EXACTLY the same as my morning "plateau" weight from the last few months. My stupid bathroom floor is apparently uneven there.

What's my point? Well, I just spent 3 mos hating myself, torturing myself, and constantly putting myself down. I was doing all of the right things and I kept trying. THAT is what should have mattered. Instead, I almost beat myself into giving up. Knowing that I just beat myself up over nothing just reinforces the reality that there is no point in the self-flagellation. Just be glad that you are being consistent (and try rearranging your scale!).

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DANCINGBRAVE 5/31/2011 11:49PM

    Hey, hey, hey. Ban the negative self talk. I'm not saying go Pollyana, but jeepers, you wouldn't be so hateful to an outside person, why be that way to yourself? You know you are on the right track, you ended up saying you would keep moving, and you are making dietary changes. Think positive, talk positive:this will help you enjoy your program more and the changes will be easier to see with kind eyes rather than angry eyes directed at yourself. emoticon

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NDWLLMS710 5/31/2011 11:34PM

  I totally understand how you feel.

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GMO_JEN 5/31/2011 11:22PM

    You went to the gym, and did awesome there. I agree with the others-as long as you keep trying, you are not a failure. Good luck on your journey!

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TONI2011 5/31/2011 11:12PM

    I believe you are ONLY a failure when you totally give up! Who wants to GIVE UP?

You don't - cause you said you are going to the gym! Even if you eat too much you are exercising..

Keep it up! No failure ever happens without your mind saying it's OK...

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NKNERR 5/31/2011 11:08PM

  I should not have read this...I was just going to start my "losing" journey...but..what the heck. She can "run" on the treadmill...I can barely, at my weight get on the damned thing without falling. I can only walk 10 minutes without wheezing and holding both my sides and that is at the slowest speed....Walk an hour?! I can barely walk the 20 ft to the fridge to get to the ice-cream...

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KSERRANO67 5/31/2011 10:51PM

    Yesterday I took 3 Correctol tablets just so I could weigh in today post poop! (No poop in 4 days, so I thought I should at least try something to help!) Did not make any difference...I was just in total pain for the entire day! Total overshare, but oh so true!

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GIRLKITTY79 5/31/2011 10:50PM

    Thank you for sharing, we share so many thoughts!!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Sparkalicious Spark-O-Rama Fantasy Cruise & A Green Smoothie

Friday, May 27, 2011

I leave on my cruise a week from Sunday, and I'm already stressed about not being able to get my spark on. Yes, I know, I worry too much, but I'm an addict. Hello, my name is Jennifer, and I have a Spark Addiction. It is nice to have a good addiction for a lovely change of pace!

I could potentially go into such severe cruise-induced withdrawal from Spark that I will have a seizure and someone will be forced to give me a Valium suppository. No one should have to endure that, least of all me. I could take my laptop, but that would defeat the purpose of leaving the country so that work cannot call me or email me. (Seriously, we picked this vacation so work could not call Cheffrey or me.)

So, I think next year there should be a Spark cruise, so I can go on a cruise, and get mega Sparked. Can you imagine, your reward for kicking butt every day, getting healthy, and eating right is to go chill in the Caribbean for a few days with like-minded health junkies?

Seriously people, if Rosie O'Donnell can have her own cruise, we can too.

In my cruise fantasy, Spark management doesn't want to bother with a cruise, so we call it something wacky like Sparkalicious Spark-O-Rama or when I'm feeling particularly odd, The Jenn-Made-Me-Do-It Cruise hahahaha. All of the margaritas will be skinny, there will be kickboxing and yoga and pilates and massages on deck and walk/run relays around the ship.

We will have our photos taken pretending to be Leonardo doing the King of the World thing.

The midnight chocolate buffet will be calorie free--hey, it's a fantasy cruise--and the excursions will be guaranteed to burn no less than 1,000 calories. You will eat well, play hard, and leave weighing less than when you arrived.

For those of you with kids, the fantasy cruise offers child-free options as well as healthy child aerobic activities. The same goes for spouses, they can be banned altogether, or entertained by cruise staff, after all, it is your fantasy cruise too.

They claim there are millions on this site... how about 500 to 5,000 or so of us go hang out in the sunshine and bask in motivating company who won't let us flop on a deck chair and skip abdominal hell class. Can you imagine a ship filled with Sparkers? It would be the best week of insanity EVER. Or it could be four days of fitness insanity, whatev.

What do you think? Does the Sparkalicious Spark-O-Rama Fantasy Cruise sound awesome or what? Wanna go?



First green smoothie ever...


2 oz romaine
2 ounces blueberries
8 ounces super ripe mango
splash of lemon juice
Water (enough to make the blender work)
Ice (I may never be able to eat one of these room temp, unless I won a car on Survivor or something)

Not bad! Super low in calories, I only drank half.

EDIT: Research (googling "group cruise") shows that as few as 8 cabins qualifies as a "group" and would mean discounts. I think this is actually possible, except the cruise being free, because this would be a REAL cruise. :)

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUSS292 6/2/2011 4:21PM

    That would be awesome as long as there were no fattening temptations!

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TAINTEDGIRL 6/2/2011 12:05AM

    cruise sounds great ha super jealous! noticed your smoothie was in a starbucks cup.....does starbucks serve that drink!? or did you make it and put it in a starbucks cup haha. Sounds interesting! will have to try sometime~

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ELOMBARDI- 6/1/2011 10:54AM

    Uhmmm, can we please have a spark cruise? Haha. This is honestly like the best idea ever.
A spark vacation on a not boat would be cool, too! Sparkcation? whatever, It should happen!

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JESSALOU7 5/31/2011 6:15PM

    Awesome idea! My husband hates the idea of a cruise but I would so be in for this one! Have fun on your cruise next week!

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MADMARE 5/31/2011 2:44PM

    A Spark Cruise sounds like my kind of vacation! I usually go on group tours, and the included meals, espeuially buffet breakfasts are so tempting that I usually gain about 5 pounds a week.

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ALEXESQ33 5/31/2011 11:23AM

    TOTALLY in for a cruise :)

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KIMI_SILVA 5/31/2011 10:59AM

    Just give me the dates and where to sign up! I'm SO in!!!!

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CORINNAW71 5/31/2011 10:09AM

    A Spark cruise sounds awesome!!!


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RONOSOF 5/31/2011 8:59AM

    I'm in! emoticon

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E_WHITCOMB 5/31/2011 8:44AM

    I would LOVE to go cruising with other Spark Peeps!!!

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CHRISTINCOTA86 5/31/2011 8:26AM

    Count me in, I've always wanted to do a cruise!

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ELLE1955 5/31/2011 8:02AM

    Sign Me Up!!

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CHICAGOHEALTHY 5/31/2011 12:02AM

    emoticon idea! Count me in for the Sparkalicios Cruise! I've planned cruises for corporate groups. How fun would it be to have a big group of Sparkers together! I love it!
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SUPER-MOM_ 5/30/2011 9:55PM

  Oh yes! Spark Team - take notice - we're on to a Spark-0-Licious Cruise. I would TOTALLY do it!

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DEELYNNE1 5/30/2011 8:13PM

    Count me in for the cruise and the smoothie! I'll start saving my pennies starting NOW!

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SHAWON 5/30/2011 5:04PM

  sounds great and i think im going to try it!

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PATTY50YRS 5/30/2011 4:44PM

    I'm interested in trying a green smoothie. Thank you for the idea.

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OCEAN_BOBBER 5/30/2011 3:05PM

    My husband and I love green smoothies. We usually have one along with a fresh salad for lunch and one in the mornings along with breakfast. They make us feel so wonderfully fantastic. And I love the cruise idea! Except that I have a phobia of cruises... I'd be willing to conquer that fear for a Spark-cruise, though!

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CHEECHEE8 5/30/2011 2:48PM

    Sounds like fun!!!

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SOULOFADANCER 5/30/2011 2:17PM

    Love it I have ben dying to go on a cruise!

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JPRICE217 5/30/2011 11:44AM

    emoticoncount me in!!!

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LOSTLIME 5/30/2011 11:33AM

    emoticon emoticonThis would be so cool!

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MOTTAMAMALOU 5/30/2011 11:20AM

    emoticonIDEA EVER!!

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JLEMUS1 5/30/2011 5:57AM

    I'm in...Awesome!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DWILCZKO 5/30/2011 12:19AM

  awesome!

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1BEACHWALKER 5/29/2011 11:34PM

    Now that is an idea worth considering! I want to do something cool next year to get all my Sparkfriends together-we thought Disney World,but this sounds even better!! I am a sparkaholic too, so join the club! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MADAMES 5/29/2011 9:43PM

    Love the cruise idea....can't say that the green smoothie seems like a good idea!!

Evelyn

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MERRYMARY42 5/29/2011 7:34PM

    definitely sounds like fun to me, Are you an organizer?

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KIKOOMAGOO 5/29/2011 7:19PM

    I LOVE IT! And, I would probably be cruising sans family since mine is completely non-sparked and look at me freakishly. That's ok cause they can go on a different one at the same time and we'd see who comes back happier!
Hope the idea keeps Sparking along.

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COLEOPTERRA 5/29/2011 5:55PM

    Now thats one great idea!!! Love it!! Did you only drink half of the green smoothie cause you were full or couldn't choke it down?? emoticon

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MAGGIE620 5/29/2011 5:24PM

    Just give us the dates and we'll be there...GREAT IDEA! (didn't that little "Sweatin' to the oldies" guy used to do a cruise like that?)

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SUSIQZER 5/29/2011 11:17AM

    I'm in! emoticon

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AMGM2001 5/29/2011 9:47AM

    emoticon

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LAMARY9 5/29/2011 9:17AM

    I had to break my short streak and just hated it. Sparking is addictive. emoticon

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FLYINGB16 5/29/2011 7:32AM

    I'm in for sure! What an awesome idea!!! BTW I have not tried a green smoothie yet...maybe on our cruise...LOL!

Hugs,
Bonni
e

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PICKLEDGINGER2 5/29/2011 4:00AM

  Cool!

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RORYLYONS 5/29/2011 3:30AM

    emoticonidea!

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EMMAINTERESTING 5/29/2011 2:17AM

    Sounds great!

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FITFABME 5/29/2011 12:51AM

    Let' s do it...fabulicious idea!! No buffets, please! A cruise without portion distortion, can you imagine? And I LOVE the yoga and pilates. Don't forget spin and Zumba as well.

Spark Guy Chris...hope you're reading...please assign someone to get right on this!!!!

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PS I know exactly how you feel about withdrawal - you can't imagine the lengths I went to not to miss a day of Sparking during recent overseas business trips - and the anxiety caused by the potential of breaking my perfect attendance log in streak. Freaks, that's what we are! (but it is a very healthy addiction if you have to pick your addictions)

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VALERIEMAHA 5/28/2011 10:11PM

    Heck yes!

hmmmm...now that's definitely weird.... emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/28/2011 10:12:26 PM

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VALERIEMAHA 5/28/2011 10:10PM

    Heck yes!

Oops, got so excited about signing up for next year's cruise that I forgot to ask where you're headed THIS year???

Comment edited on: 5/28/2011 10:11:00 PM

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NELLBELLA26 5/28/2011 9:28PM

    Count me in!!!!! That would be AMAZING! Great idea.



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JENNYLENNON 5/28/2011 9:26PM

    Lets's book it! I definitely want a picture of me doing the whole King of the world thing! emoticon

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ROMANS_8 5/28/2011 8:52PM

    Love this idea. I think it would be awesome just to meet all of the sparkers, but to be on a spark cruise while meeting these wonderful people=super awesome. As I think you know, I am goin to the beach in -3 weeks. I have to bring my laptop because I have an online class I am taking for school. I also have an addition to SP. I can just see myself sitting all alone in our condo searching articles and blogs and making sure to track everything, instead of being on the beach .This could so happen, the hubs will more than likely have to drag me away from the computer...pathetic! LOL. P.S. I don't think I can bring myself to ever try a green smoothie, they may taste good but they look horrible.

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WOLFSHADESS 5/28/2011 7:31PM

    Totally awesome idea. I think the staff would have to entertain my husband. He wasn't want any part of healthy. If they just let him drive the ship for a while, I'm sure he'd be thrilled. lol

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ONEDROP09 5/28/2011 4:30PM

    I'm soooooo down for this!

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EMPTRS 5/28/2011 3:48PM

    What an EXCELLENT idea! I went on a cruise when I was 14 and it was AMAZING but they said that the average person gained 7 POUNDS per cruise. AHHH!!! GROSS!!! Gotta be honest, I am sure I gained a lot of weight because all of the food...I like the idea about eating WELL and having the excursions be athletic. Let's book it and go!!!

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SHAYGETSFIT 5/28/2011 3:23PM

    Fun! I'm in!

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LAURIE-RN 5/28/2011 2:57PM

    What a fun idea!

Laurie

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GRACEISENUF 5/28/2011 2:12PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Sign me up!

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It's Like Sybil Around Here

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I keep shocking and amazing myself, mostly in a good way. I'm rediscovering old Jenn and I'm carving out a brand new one, too. It's kind of exciting, if you don't mind feeling like Sybil on uppers.

The best part is that I get to pick and choose. I get to take the best of all the Jenns and compile a Frankenstein Jenn. I don't get to take other people's parts. You know, Madonna's arms, Angelina's lips, Giselle's legs, Paulina Porizkova's face, but I do get to be inspired by others.

I choose the Jenn who earned 8 varsity letters (2 JV letters too!), the wisdom of the current Jenn, the obnoxious and sarcastic Jenn that has always been around much to the dismay of everyone who is subjected to me, and the ambitious Jenn who takes no prisoners and works until she gets what she wants.

I CHOOSE the Jenn who doesn't eat processed foods, sugar, meat, eggs, caffeine and dairy 98% of the time. I choose the Jenn who makes health a priority and drinks enough water to make elephants pee like racehorses. I like the Jenn that I'm turning into.

I dumped hag Jenn like Yersinia Pestis. Size 26 Jenn can piss off. Haribo (the only brand of gummy) snarfing, doughnut housing, too big for one size fits all, winded on a flight of stairs, cigarette smoking, caffeine abusing and ranch dressing pouring Jenn can go blow.

New Jenn: I went to Pei Wei and ordered vegan Kung Pao tofu and vegetables made without oil. NOT because it was "on plan", but because it sounded sooooo good. It wasn't just good, it was awesome.

1991 Jenn: I was in kickboxing class tonight, (second time this week, check it!!!) and I realized that I was kicking higher than some of the women's heads. I remembered something I had totally forgotten, when I took a 12 week karate class the 3rd degree black belt teaching the class said I was a "natural kicker". Still am. WOOOOOOT! Clearly, I missed my calling as a Rockette.

1987-1991 Jenn: I got a stitch in my side that made me want to drop to my knees during class. Instantly transported back to the days of being on the track team, and wanting to drop to my knees. I will run again. It may take a while, but I will do it.

New Jenn: It turns out I have the cardiovascular strength to jump, it's the fact that my boobs feel like they are going to rip free of my body and launch themselves across the room that is a problem. I could do jumping jacks as long as I used one arm to keep the baby whales from breaking my nose. Double bagging the girls doesn't work, I think weight loss is the only thing that will solve this one.

Current, worried Jenn: Off topic, sorry, but I've been worried all day, but I didn't self medicate with food. My Mom flew to Joplin two days ago, to help deal with some of the aftermath of the Tornados. I'm worrying myself sick. Please keep her, and the people affected by the tornados, in your most positive thoughts.

New Jenn: I need to find some recipes for "green smoothies" that include no disgusting and revolting ingredients like bananas or mushrooms. (I didn't even know there was such a thing as a green smoothie 3 months ago).

New Jenn: I packed organic strawberries for the road trip to Chattanooga. Contrast this with Old Jenn: I will hit the road and time it perfectly so that it is lunch time when I see the first sign for Chick Fil A and I will eat their chicken sandwich (AND chicken nuggets AND waffle fries) that I'm pretty sure are laced with crack or some other instantly addictive substance.

New Jenn: I bought a Groupon today for fencing lessons. I bought one for Cheffrey (DH) too. Then I harassed my Facebook friends to buy one, and 2 people at work and texted some people too. This exercise-oriented version of me is taking my normal level of annoying to a whole new level.

So, what OLD did you kick to the curb and what NEW are you embracing? What needs to stay, and what needs to take a big fat hike?

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CURVESPARK 6/3/2011 8:11PM

    I get the whole boob-issue. In fact, my mom thought it was so funny that she put on some Raggae music and told me to do some dancing and jumping jacks while she filmed it. Believe it or not.... I actually hit myself in the face ONCE.

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RADIGIRL 6/1/2011 8:48AM

    I know exactly what you are saying!! It's nice to know that the crazy feelings aren't so "crazy" after all.

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SINGAGAIN 5/30/2011 12:51PM

    I'm kicking my old habit of eating fast food to the curb!!! I'm embracing healthy eating and loving it! I crave veggies now!

Awesome blog!!
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JICASMOM 5/30/2011 8:03AM

    Love this!!! emoticon



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PATTIE441 5/30/2011 7:26AM

    Awesome! Fantastic! You're saying what I want to say but can't get it out yet! Thank you! emoticon emoticon emoticon(Couldn't find a Frankenstein!) lol

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SUNSHINE192DAY 5/29/2011 11:41PM

    I too know the feeling of the baby whales trying to break free and not having the ability to control them but the way that you describe it is PERFECT! emoticonI've been trying to tell people that and I'm going to rip you off because they might finally get it now, lol! I do think that there's something completely crack-ish in fast food too! I'm so sparkfriending you!!!

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CKRACKLEY 5/29/2011 11:26PM

    emoticon

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HKARLSSON 5/29/2011 10:55PM

    Oh, man!!! I can totally relate to the whole mammaries launching into the stratosphere during exercise thing. Either weight loss or duct tape is the way to go. :)

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MARELNAT 5/29/2011 9:43PM

    Awesome post!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 5/29/2011 9:15PM

    You go girl!!

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WHIPPEACHZ 5/29/2011 2:44PM

    Awesome blog... made me think and laugh at the same time... mainly the boob things because I have the same problem from one Jenn to another.

Old me: parks as close to the house as possible so I'm not puking when I get to the top of the stairs, climbs stairs gasping and holding the railing hoping I can pull myself up... drives to the neighbors three doors up.
New me: does aerobics or walks/jogs daily and then comes up the stairs at home just fine. Leaves the car at home most days, walks to the bus stop and then from bus stop to where I'm going without a thought.



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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 5/29/2011 1:57PM

    Thanks for sharing

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WADINGMOOSE 5/29/2011 1:22PM

    Love it. I need to think on my frankenmoose. But I'll definitely need antlers. :)

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LALA0123 5/29/2011 12:55PM

    emoticon

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MISSM66 5/29/2011 11:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JLEMUS1 5/29/2011 10:10AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MACEWOMAN 5/29/2011 9:36AM

    emoticon

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RORYLYONS 5/29/2011 2:22AM

    How cool is this! emoticon

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DWILCZKO 5/29/2011 1:06AM

  awesome!

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MELLYBEANS0919 5/29/2011 12:55AM

    I love this!

Having really just begun now, let's be honest, my biggest improvements have been:
- not having unhealthy tempting goodies around (ie. baking, chocolate bars)
- getting up 2 hours early for work to get in exercise and quiet time (I am finding I am loving it)

Small steps.



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LESSISMORE2010 5/28/2011 10:35PM

    Thank you for sharing this, I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog!

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VALERIEMAHA 5/28/2011 10:15PM

    Lovin' that FrakenJenn -- my kinda' womyn!!!

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WEEZYB7881 5/28/2011 9:40PM

    great post and i love the idea of a frankenstein jenn...what a great idea = to take the best of the old and mix it with the new and make a better person.

good for you

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LMMIMI 5/28/2011 9:28PM

    The new Jenn is emoticon

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CUOGHI 5/28/2011 5:25PM

    I have to agree - your boob storey made me actually laugh out loud. For real. I am not overweight, but I still have this problem. I have now bought a serious sports bra, and a tight-fitting workout vest that has one of those invisible bra panels built in. I wear them together when I run or do anything as insane as jumping jacks.
Power to you, Jenn!
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CAMSMOM918 5/28/2011 3:03PM

    thanks for sharing - love your new Jenn . . . i am desperately seeking the new Angela - she's under here somewhere - but thanks for the hints on where to look - lol

I hope your mom's trip to Joplin worked out OK. Keeping you all in my prayers.

Angela

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CINNAMONCAT9 5/28/2011 10:09AM

    Love the new Jenn! You are doing such a fine job. emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 5/28/2011 8:01AM

    Fun blog to read! glad you are having so much fun getting to know the "new" Jenn emoticon

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RONOSOF 5/28/2011 6:15AM

    Great post! I think I may an "old" post too! Check out my blog on those tata's! I triple up bras when I go to the track!

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MICHELLESMILES_ 5/28/2011 5:54AM

    I like the line about the Jenn in the size 26 jeans..couldn't agree more!

You're amazing friend!

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READY2WOW 5/27/2011 8:00PM

    LOVE this blog entry! I want to find the new me too! emoticon

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JULIA1154 5/27/2011 6:17PM

  Thank you for a super uplifting post - and please convey my thanks to your mom for helping out in Joplin. She's in my thoughts and prayers along with the residents of the region.

Have a lively - and fun - holiday weekend, all.

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JESTERSTAR 5/27/2011 4:22PM

    Great blog! I like "drink enough to make water pee like racehorses."
It's a good visual to put to the task.

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CAALAN23 5/27/2011 2:39PM

    You and you double bagged baby whales are HI-larious!

Old me: I would have totally snagged something out of the fridge while hubby was busy in the front bedroom exercising (where the treadmill and big tv are) or at the gym.

New me: To hubby: "I'm getting on the treadmill now and have no desire to watch CNBC non-stop for the whole workout. Move."

Tina

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ELBALL 5/27/2011 1:56PM

    Ha... I loved the boob story. :) I hate to say it, but that feeling may not go away as you lose weight, but the chance you'll find better sports bras will improve.

Today after Zumba class, I chose a Luna Protein cookie dough bar over an actual chocolate chip cookie.

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DIXIED88 5/27/2011 1:50PM

    Old me: "Do you think anyone would notice if I guzzled this 2 liter Dr Pepper and grubbed this large pizza during break??" Notice this isn't even at meal time but a break during work!

New me: "I ate two slices with water and I feel like I'm going to explode! Next time just one and some salad with salsa dressing would be delish!"

Love this blog. The boob part is hilarous! I double bag and include a fitted tank just to keep it to a minimum. Love my girls in hottie clothes...not so much for jumping jacks. lol



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JOSIEISHEALTHY 5/27/2011 11:23AM

    I love reading your blogs!! You are kicking butt and taking names!!!! You should be so proud of yourself!
I will be praying for your mom, your mom is amazing for helping those families.

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QNOFHARTS 5/27/2011 10:16AM

    "it's the fact that my boobs feel like they are going to rip free of my body and launch themselves across the room that is a problem"

HAHAHAHA!!! I know the feeling!!!

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LISADAVIDSON68 5/27/2011 10:13AM

    Thanks for the inspiration this morning. I just poured the last half of my second cup of coffee that is over calorie-fied with the flavored creamer I love. One step at a time, right?

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MYADOG1 5/27/2011 10:04AM

    The old me was worried about doing everything PERFECTLY!!!! emoticonIf I couldn't do things just right every time then it wasn't worth doing at all! emoticon One bad choice? I better throw out the day, week...you fill in the blank. The new me is concerned with learning and FINISHING! emoticon and so I will!
Thanks for this, cracked up with your talk about taming "the girls"...this is the area where my hubby keeps stressing not to lose weight. emoticon

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EMMAG2010 5/27/2011 9:54AM

    As always, your blog is so freakin' amazing.. and honest.. and motivating. After yesterday, and with some support from you, I'm bound and determined to find my inner skinny girl! I'm so focused on the outward skinny girl that I forget that my heart and soul are just as important!

Btw.. the boob issue had me rolling with laughter. I can't wait to get rid of the 10 lbs hanging off my chest. :)

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LOGANDRYLSMOM 5/27/2011 9:21AM

    Awesome as usual.. keep kickin ARSE!

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NEWCCBARBIE 5/27/2011 9:01AM

    LOVE it! I can empathize with the boob issue...you're description had me rolling on the floor laughing - but it's so true! Have a great day!

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MSPEACHYJONES 5/27/2011 8:51AM

    ROCKSTAR!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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PRAIRIEGIRL30 5/27/2011 8:32AM

    Great Blog..once again!
The new me looks forward to that workout high everyday...the old me looked forward to the afternoon binge and nap fest. What a difference in my mood, health, and outlook on life.
Keep your blogs coming! They are as addictive as my new hummus cravings :)

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SEDONACAT 5/27/2011 8:12AM

    Great blog, as usual. Your way with words is awesome and I look forward to reading "you" everyday.

I kicked to the curb: salty snacks which make me swell and promote major bitchiness. All that brain edema, you know.

I embraced a new YMCA class yesterday and plan to do it twice a week even if I have to reschedule next weeks doctor appt. so I won't miss it.

Keep on Sparkin'!

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BGEARY63 5/27/2011 7:37AM

    I love your post. The new me craves exercise. The old me would rather have sat around watching tv with a big bowl of Ben N Jerry's. I find myself pacing at the end of the day looking for things to keep me busy. I complete my exercise in the morning. At the end of the day I want to do it again. Haven't yet thinking I dont want to burn myself out. I cant wait to get my baby whales down to size to start running. I used to run in High school. Earned my varsity letter freshman year for spring track. Some day soon, I'll be able to run. I just know it. For now I modify my power walk routine with the non-jumping intervals. Its working for me.

Thanks for posting such a great blog.
Beverly

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X-GIRRRL 5/27/2011 7:14AM

    Love it! I think as we get older & life gets more complex & stressy we lose track of who we are. We forget the cool, fun people we were when we were younger and had less responsibilities. We should all re-connect with our inner 20-year-olds and have some fun!

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MARYMO22 5/27/2011 6:44AM

    awesome blog, again!
On the boob front - I'm a 36HH and there's no moving these puppies in a Freya sports bra - THE best investment in the world (ever!)

x

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CHARLIE215 5/27/2011 6:27AM

    On the boob front - I'm a 36 F & use Shock Absorber. You can buy them online at figleaves.com. They stay in place when I run.

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The Best Kind of Peep Pressure--Thank You

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

You are worthy because you are born --Oprah Winfrey today, on her last show

I'm sitting here, basking in DONE girlness, feeling thankful and decidedly NOT worthy. Seriously campers? I'm a motivator? Do you have right Jenn? There are tons of Jenns floating around. The DONE girl of the day? Popular blogs? Really? I don't deserve this. You guys make me cry happy tears. I think you have lost your freakin' minds, but that's ok!

You have no idea, SparkPeeps, how much I need you! You are my rockstars!

I wonder when the day will arrive that you guys realize that I'm a total fraud, that I don't have it figured out, I just found a really good waxer, stumbled onto a cute dress at Lane Bryant, did a successful cleanse and trudge along despite not believing I am capable of changing myself. I wonder when you will figure out what I already know, that the likelihood of me ever losing another pound is slim or none. When will you guys see what I see, that this exercise will never pay off and I will never get smaller than a 22.

I lie to myself every day and say that I believe that my hard work, micro-managing of calories and fake-it-until-you-make-it no excuses philosophy can actually pay off.

This time is different. Deep down, I know it IS enough just to know that this time is different. This time is different. Here is a the truth: the only thing that is different is you, not me.

I am the recipient of the best peer pressure to be found anywhere. People would pay big bucks for what you give me for free. You guys work way cheap! I approve!

This weekend, I received comments and emails saying that I was missed. I missed a day of blogging and I was missed!! (I feel a Sally Field "you like me, you really like me" moment coming on.)

How could I not come back, even after the bacon sandwich and wedding cake breakfast? It was easy, I just admitted that I had decided to take a weekend away from my no sugar, processed foods, meat, dairy, eggs and oil regime, and got back to the business of losing weight. I didn't feel judged, in fact, I think some of you could appreciate the bizarre collection of foods I ate on my pre-planned off-plan weekend. I just felt the gentle pressure to get my s#@t straight again ASAP.

I found out yesterday that you can subscribe to a person's blog, so you are notified when they post, and that some of you actually "follow" my blogs. (Stalkers! :) I follow some of yours, too. Yet another reason to keep moving. Another reason to get on the treadmill. Another reason to crunch alongside The Supermodel tonight.

There are people here who lead by such a great example, I can't flop on the couch in a Jabba-esque fashion when you guys are busy ruining my lazy day by running 1oKs, jogging, spinning (freaks!) and going to the gym even though you still have pain from last year's broken leg.

You all make me want to be better, SparkPeeps.

You don't even know it, but when I am slacking, I pick it back up again because I hate the idea of having to write a blog titled "Confession" where I admit that my weight loss has stopped because I'm eating like a pig at an Oinkfest and eating wedding cake and bacon sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The thought of having to confess that I'm back in size 26 pants makes me feel nauseated. I honestly think the reality of being a size 26 again is less painful than having to tell all of you about it.

You have faith in me when I have no faith in myself.

You encourage me to be better.

You inspire me to take better care of myself.

You harass the living *&#@ out of me until I really work to change the ugly voice in my head.

I get on the treadmill because I know if I mention it here, you will tell me how I did good.

I try to jog because I see your photos, I read your blogs, and I see your tickers moving. So even when mine isn't moving, I know it will, because it did for you when you kept working at it.

I get on the treadmill because you remind me I can do it and one day I will be able to run a 5k if I just keep going.

I take some horrendous photos because you lie and tell me how much I will appreciate having these crimes against cameras when I get thin.

Thank you all. Thank you for the Peep Pressure, the comments, the emails, the constant encouragement, the smiles, the cyber gifts. Thank you for sharing yourselves so openly and honestly. Thank you for sharing your experience, your advice, your time and your energy.

I plan to feel worthy as soon as I possibly can.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YASERUZO 6/12/2011 1:43AM

    Thanks for the openness and honesty - it encourages me to try to be open and honest... The honest part is coming along slowly, but the open part is hard. Trying to diet and exercise quietly and when no one is around doesn't work very well!! emoticon

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STARDUSTD 5/29/2011 1:43PM

  The line "I take some horrendous photos because you lie and tell me how much I will appreciate having these crimes against cameras when I get thin." is what just got me to subscribe to your blogs. LMAO
And all I can say to the rest is, Well Said.

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JULIA1154 5/28/2011 10:34PM

  No, the reality of being size 26 again would be even worse than having to tell us about it. But you'll never know this - because you are NEVER going back there. You've done too much - and are getting too strong - to return to that place, Jenn.

Keep up your great work, your great blog, and even your crazy (real) off-day menus.
emoticon

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DELITFRN 5/28/2011 11:12AM

    great blog post - Keep up the good work; we may inspire you to continue but you also inspire us too!!!! emoticon

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REBELBLITZ 5/27/2011 10:21PM

    Great inspiration for us Spark buddies! You keep going toward your goal! You are the best! emoticon

Cheryl

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1DRWOMAN 5/27/2011 6:19PM

    I am not one of your "stalkers" YET! :) This is a wonderful and beautiful blog. I loved it! You are a SP Motivator because you are real and honest....like OPRAH! :) NOW....start believing in yourself and your worth and the weight will fall off. It's about your headspace...not the food. I can tell you I have had wedding cake for breakfast for a whole weekend once and smoked fish ...that's all my cousin and I ate for a whole weekend so we have an ongoing saying now when we need a laugh...FISH & CAKE. Gross huh!? But is has turned into a fabulous memory. These little obstacles or side trips you take on your journey are the things you can refer back to and help relate to and inspire others with. Nobody is perfect...but if you're persistent there's no telling what you can do.
Go grab your prize girl! YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU DESERVE IT!
xoxox
Patty

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THEIS58 5/27/2011 6:16PM

    It IS different here, and sticking with it makes it different for all of us. Change is so very hard, but so very worth it! Great, honest posting.

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GRANDMASHOUSE 5/27/2011 3:36PM

    This blog is so inspiring - are you looking in my window, Jenn? You must be. You sound just like me.

You ROCK!

Grandma C.

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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 5/27/2011 3:30PM

    Great blog

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GLC2009 5/27/2011 3:30PM

    what i would give for a blt sammie right now!!

great blog. i am going to subscribe to your blogs, so, keep making up good ones, 'kay? emoticon

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MISSB8604 5/27/2011 2:28PM

    emoticon

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BEACHAPPEL 5/27/2011 2:10PM

    You do what you do for you and in the process you have inspired others. Your honesty is what makes your words effective. Keep blog journaling for yourself and know that you are impacting others positively.

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SHERRY28269 5/27/2011 12:54PM

    So honest....I think all of us go through these times. Don't give up...stick with it. I love this site for the support you receive from people so you don't feel like you are all alone. Good luck -- Just take it one day at a time. emoticon

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AMYE1083 5/27/2011 12:33PM

    You ARE awesome!!!!

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ATINYDANCER 5/27/2011 11:06AM

    YAY Sparkpeople! Aren't we all awesome...I love what you said here it is so true! Yay You! emoticon

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FIT-WHIT 5/27/2011 8:28AM

    You have such a likable, conversational voice in your writing! I love it!

This community truly IS what makes "this time around" different for so many of us. It's the unconditional, gracious support of complete "strangers" across the globe that change our lives for the better every day. You are right about everything you said-- all those reasons you come back, that's why most of us do too. Because YOU are here to support US.

Keep rocking, girl. Your changing the world every day, in a GOOD way! ;)

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KIN59VARA 5/27/2011 7:09AM

    Great blog!

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MRSSCHENCK 5/27/2011 5:36AM

    Great blog.

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CHICAT63 5/27/2011 5:26AM

    I was there at blog numero uno !

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FITFABME 5/27/2011 1:44AM

    You really sum it up - all the reasons SP is so incredible. It really is a powerful community. I know I couldn't have done it alone.

Keep up the great work!!

But seriously, wedding cake and bacon?? That has to become a distant memory, right?? lol

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SETZELINA 5/27/2011 12:29AM

  You have such an awesome way with words!! Keep it up.
Thanks! emoticon
emoticon

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DWILCZKO 5/27/2011 12:26AM

  ur awesome!

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PEGGIE57 5/27/2011 12:05AM

    The reason we love your blogs is because you're not perfect & you're not afraid to admit it. We're not perfect either. We're just not as good at confessing it. Keep trying. You might find the right formula yet. When you do, let me know.

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NOSKINNY 5/26/2011 11:55PM

    I'm a turkey bacon, breakfast sausage, meat pattie, sandwich meat, and Sunday roast gal now. My budget LOVES it!! I've gotten so accustomed to NOT eating fat that when I do, it tastes eeeyuckkk and covered in slime. Gagggg!!

When I eat fruit and vegetables daily, I feel happy, energized, and my skin looks great. If and when I eat beef, the next day my skin feels like wax, and I've got pimples popping out all over. Boohoo. So definitely, I've had an attitude adjustment because I've seen the light. :)

I am SOOO looking forward to fresh summer produce. Fresh cut lettuce (on my windowsill) is indescribably delicious (never bitter). I saw some fresh blueberries from California at the store yesterday. Yes!! This is the best time of the year to lose weight because even the healthy stuff tastes good.

Good health!!

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CHRIAMARIA1983 5/26/2011 11:09PM

    That was so encouraging! This is why I decided to stick with SP! The blogs are so encouraging! And btw...you can do this! e all have mess ups and I am one of the biggest offenders in this area. I too am about a size 22 I guess...not really sure. Soon we will be having to buy new clothes bc we will get there and we will succeed!

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FATHINSN 5/26/2011 10:48PM

    Totally agree, the best peep pressure ever, WooHoo!
Here in SP, I've found helps & tips on various things, not restricted to getting fit. I also have trouble with my sleep lately and occasionally, when people make comments on my appearance, I become too self-conscious so here, I finally found one place that caters every of my issues, thanks to SP community ;D

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KRISTI2661 5/26/2011 10:38PM

    Love it - again!

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GOIN4GR8 5/26/2011 10:22PM

    Another great one--I'm glad I'm a subscriber! :-)

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SHASSYSUE2 5/26/2011 10:20PM

    AWESOME!! I am so going to have to STALK you now!!!!LOL!!! Shannon (aka Shassysue2)

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PODGIRL 5/26/2011 10:11PM

    This is great!

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ROCKSTAR000 5/26/2011 9:49PM

  Congratulations! I'm fairly new here, but I have greatly enjoyed what you've written. Keep up the fantastic words! emoticon

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JESSALOU7 5/26/2011 8:55PM

    I just love reading your blogs! You commented on my first one and ever since then I've been following yours.

Good job on working out today, and we will always be there for you! Oh, and you are gonna run that 5k someday. Think you can't? Don't listen to that voice because you can do anything!!

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JANANNSTEW 5/26/2011 8:19PM

  Keep on keepin' on! Love your honesty and your willingness to share, even when things aren't going well.
Keep it up! emoticon

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AMYJO3030 5/26/2011 7:49PM

    you are awesome. i too love bacon, mmm bacon(insert homer simpson voice here). LOL. and i repsort to both spark people and my friend skinny on the skinny britches on fb. she's my good freind who is awesome. (bernabei203) anywho, you are amazing and i love your blogs and your honestly . deep on rocking it sister.

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SWEETMOMMY41 5/26/2011 7:21PM

  amazing blog! thanks for sharing!

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LUCANDJOH 5/26/2011 6:51PM

  emoticon

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LUCANDJOH 5/26/2011 6:51PM

  emoticon

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SARARC 5/26/2011 6:29PM

  No, Thank YOU! I was considering cutting my workout short today, but after reading this.. I'm gonna get my @$$ in gear and get moving! Thanks! emoticon

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RONALANA 5/26/2011 6:00PM

    We all need encouragement - and you are giving it as well as receiving it!

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LMMIMI 5/26/2011 5:27PM

    Amen to that " We are all worthy." The support from reading chats and blogs is what helps to keep me motivated. emoticon emoticon

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DISP715 5/26/2011 5:10PM

    Thank you for your blog. I feel the same way. Even tho I don't blog often and I really can't put it into words, your blog says so many of the things I feel. So glad to have discovered SP. Hoping your day is filled with joy and health. HUGS!

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PWILLIAMS7 5/26/2011 4:51PM

    Whoo!!!!

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 5/26/2011 4:29PM

    Spark is so great. I am using it more and more and I'm on maintenance now. But I find that writing comments and blogs and just reading blogs (like yours) helps keep me motivated and inspired and determined. How can this be free? But it is, and I, for one, appreciate the Hell out of it!!!

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SILENTE8 5/26/2011 4:16PM

  I feel the same way about not wanting to ever tell my SparkFriends that I'm in a bigger pants size. I will never have to do that. Thanks for sharing your journey, thanks for being so (painfully?!) honest with us. You are the best. I always look forward to your blogs. Keep up the great work! ~Erin
emoticon

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BALOOSMUM 5/26/2011 4:13PM

    I'm one of your blog stalkers and you encourage me so much with your honesty. Thank you for struggling, hating it, hating yourself and yet getting up and doing all the right things anyway. Because I relate to that so much!

You're awesome! Keep up feeling peer pressured lol!

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LYNETTEMOM 5/26/2011 4:12PM

    wow, sparkpeople are real people not shills for some particular product. Keep it real, girl. We appreciate it!

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MAAYOTTE 5/26/2011 3:45PM

    You make me feel like maybe I am helping somebody just by being on Spark. Well, I know for sure that reading you helps me and warms my soul. Thank you!

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ASSYRIA1 5/26/2011 3:36PM

    this was awesome :)
i feel the same way about all my sparkies!

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LOTUSFLOWER 5/26/2011 2:48PM

    I LOVE this! Thank you for what you do. Keep doing it, girl.

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MOMASAURUS 5/26/2011 2:32PM

    I don't know what else to say except, "!!!!!!!!!!!". Thank you!
emoticon emoticon

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