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I've Had a Brain Transplant--Jenn Version 2.135

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

In some ways I'm becoming a new person on the inside far faster than the outside.

The outside is taking its sweet time turning into a hardbody. I mean, really, should it take more than a few weeks to lose 176 pounds? Shouldn't this be a quick and nearly painless process? It has been 5 weeks or so, shouldn't I be Heidi Klum by now? Once I said "I'm going to lose some weight" shouldn't the weight have fallen off, as though I had a de-fatting Harry Potter wand? I decided to be thin, shouldn't that be enough?

I'm told that this is NOT how it works, that losing fat and gaining muscle are long, drawn out processes that takes nerves of steel, a whole lot of faith in physics, and patience. Seriously, patience? Who dreamed up that idea? You could fit all of the patience I have in my entire body in half of a thimble. That cup does not runneth over.

It's almost ironic that obsessing about each morsel I eat and each calorie I burn from minute to minute fuels a process that will take over a year. Perhaps I am being punished for being so focused on immediate gratification for so long. (Why yes, I do need a Snickers, I'm stressed, and if I deserve a Snickers, I surely deserve a bag of Haribo gummy bears, and a Coke to wash it down... then 2 minutes later I'm angry that I had any of it, but it is too late. Sound familiar?)

Anywho, the outside of my bod is doing its thing even more quickly than I could have reasonably hoped, even though I chose to go ever so teensy weensy slightly off plan for the weekend and CHOSE to have a slice of wedding cake and I may have ever so slightly chosen to have wedding cake for breakfast the next day, after shrimp, roast beast and 2 amaretto sours at the wedding, and on the way home I may have had multiple "samples" of off plan food like 14 french fries, a White Castle cheeseburger (ok, 2 of those tiny demons), a bagel with cream cheese and oh, perhaps some bacon with my breakfast cake.

Again, I digress. The outside is moving along nicely, and when I say that, I mean fat loss and toning, not the small army of esthetic enhancing professionals that interceded in my frumpitude.

So, the brain transplant.

I have been feeling crappy, I have ear infections that have been plaguing me, and I am having problems with a toe that has decided to be naughty. So last week was the week of the doctor. Family doc for ear infections, foot doc for toe, eye doc for contacts, etc. So, long story short, it turns out that the reason that I've been feeling crappy and less than motivated to workout and generally under the weather, is that I have no less than 4 infection sites in my body. I have staph in my ears, an undiagnosed infection in my toe, and yeast infections on my skin. News Flash: One infection can make you feel dreadful, more than one, not so good.

Back to the brain transplant.

A year ago, hell, 6 weeks ago, the toe alone would have been a good enough excuse to skip the gym. Can't you practically hear the whining? "My toe hurts, I can't workout, whine whine whine." The ears are totally respectable reasons to stay out of the pool. That would have been another delightful reason to sit on the couch, free of guilt.

This freakish new version of me, the one that cares about the long term, about continuing the path of weight loss, Jenn Version 2.135, doesn't even look for excuses.

Old Jenn: I have an infection. WOOT! No gym tonight! Hehehehe! See how smart I am, I found a perfectly legitimate reason to continue forward with my morbid obesity guilt free.

New Jenn: Toe hurts too much for treadmill or kickboxing. @#%^. Ears can't go in the water. Double @#%^. I guess that leaves stationary bike and an abs class.

Now, I ask you, who is this new Jenn and what have you SparkPeeps done with my tubby old companion, the one who felt safely insulated in layers of fat, unnoticed and hiding in many ways? If you find her, I respectfully request that you throw her in some prison from which she cannot escape.

I'm so done hiding. I'm done sitting on the couch. I'm done watching others live. I miss the girl who left the country for the first time, by herself, at the age of 20, because, and I quote myself "I don't want to wait until I'm retired and can't go rappelling"(abseiling is what they called it in Australia).

I'm done making excuses. I'm looking for skinny inside and skinny outside to collide some day rather soon.

New Jenn, I'd like to reintroduce you to Way Way Back Jenn... the one who moved to Turkey and went rock climbing and hiking and could run for miles, the one who had the legs that men whistled at, the one that was fearless, or at least never feared an airplane seatbelt.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DELITFRN 5/28/2011 11:07AM

    Thank you so much for this post - I was doing the same thing last night and this morning and wondering what excuses I could use to keep me from continuing on this journey; "I'm tired from working 2-12 hour shifts in a row", "It's dark when I get home", "I have to get ready to go back for another 12 hour shift" - thank you for the motivation to get up off my can and find a way to exercise at work!!!!! emoticon

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KAREN_NY 5/27/2011 10:04AM

    Great blog! Of course you know that already. ;) But I've gotta say, I'm having so much fun reading a few days of your blogs altogether -- a big dose of Jenn is a fabulous thing for me today! So emoticon !!
K:)

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BERRYHONEY 5/27/2011 8:17AM

  awwww cute dog

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JULIA1154 5/27/2011 12:20AM

  Here's to your Inner Skinny, Jenn. I hope you get a handle on those infections soon so you can have even more fun.

Have a super Memorial Day weekend!

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MADDUXCR 5/26/2011 9:55PM

  I'm really tired of all of my whiny excuses for not working out. I really have an issue with exercising religiously for two weeks or so, then some personal disaster occurs (in my mind at least) and I give up for another week or two. Then I pick it back up and I'm so achy I convince myself I'm in too much pain to exercise. And the cycle goes on and on. Thanks for expressing my feelings so eloquently.

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ALICIAT32 5/26/2011 8:30PM

    I know what you mean! Inside I feel like my skinny teenager self again, outside is still catching up VERY slowly!!!

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EMMAG2010 5/26/2011 11:09AM

    I'm so jealous of your mind!! I know that it takes effort, time, motivation, and a freakin' list of all things good to change your outlook from negative to positive.. but you've got the positive part down.. and you're spreading it throughout the sparkpeople community! I think I'm so focused on being outwardly skinny, that I forget the inner skinny girl... and still think like a fat girl(excuses, negative thoughts, etc..). Time to make changes and re-discover the body, the dreams, the hopes that I used to have and will have again..

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X-GIRRRL 5/26/2011 7:45AM

    LOVE IT! I have a friend who carries a terrible "fat picture" of herself to look at whenever she's tempted to eat something bad. That's so negative! I, like you, pulled out an old pic from my early 20's and posted it up. Skinny-me is much more motivating to look at than fat-me!! AmIright? emoticon

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FEFFA9 5/26/2011 3:32AM

    Awesome blog! Thanks for the motivation and the giggle!

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DWILCZKO 5/26/2011 12:20AM

  :)

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LEAHFELICITY 5/25/2011 11:42PM

    I'm a big fan of New Jenn! And really old Jenn's dog. What a lovely dog!

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KRISTIARLINE 5/25/2011 11:37PM

    Awesome! Continue to kick it. emoticon

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BLOOMING52 5/25/2011 11:17PM

    Great blog!

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AMYJO3030 5/25/2011 10:43PM

    you inspire my inner skinny as well. awesome blog. I've been trying to visulize myself skinny.

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RONALANA 5/25/2011 10:03PM

    Very creative writing! Some people lose the weight, but without the "brain transplant" you mention, they easily put it back on!

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SM-ARTGIRL 5/25/2011 9:49PM

    So lovely to introduce yourself to your way way back self, I am sure they will get along just fine now!
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RAGIONERE 5/25/2011 9:47PM

  Great blog! Once again, you are a tremendous writer, so witty and descriptive.

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LINDABENEDICT 5/25/2011 9:29PM

    emoticon

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JENNIBEAN 5/25/2011 7:14PM

    Awesome Blog!!

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BETTERJULIA 5/25/2011 5:40PM

    Beautiful!!!!

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NEWCCBARBIE 5/25/2011 3:50PM

    All I can say is YAY!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DIVA2K11 5/25/2011 2:56PM

  Fabulous blog!!!

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HEAJON 5/25/2011 2:49PM

    Amen Sister! Awesome blog!

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PLATINUM755 5/25/2011 2:35PM

    The mind/brain is a powerful instrument so what a great blog and blog title!

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LINDSEYBO 5/25/2011 1:28PM

    Awesome Awesome...I hope I can get to sticking...I am really good at following the diet for 4 days a week...I am slowly getting better..4 days is better than no days...so hopefully before I know it it will be 7 days.. emoticon

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SEATOWN_GAL 5/25/2011 1:25PM

    Great blog!



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DEBORAHANNE14 5/25/2011 12:54PM

    You were able to describe what many of us feel. Thanks for a great read!

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DELO99 5/25/2011 12:36PM

  Very inspiring blog!

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BLACKROSE_222 5/25/2011 12:20PM

    Amazing blog! Thanks so much for sharing!

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SARAHSTARTSOVER 5/25/2011 12:18PM

    Awesome blog!

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K_FUHRMAN 5/25/2011 11:50AM

    emoticon

That is awesome!! You are doing great. I wish the outside changed as fast as the inside too.

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LADEEDAA 5/25/2011 11:49AM

  Wow, I can so so so (!!) relate
It's been 3 days for me and I'm shocked and astounded that I haven't lost 20lbs by now!! Hahahaha~
I also laughed at the side of bacon you had with wedding cake for breakfast-- I'd totally do that, sounds super yummy :D
Yes, Patience does suck, she's like the friend you know you should stick with even though all she does is study and do boring things like knit- when you'd rather be out with Reckless and go drink until you puke and eat fries at 3am. Then you discover knitting can be fun and studying leads to a better paying job and you're glad you stuck with her. Still waiting for the discovery to hit home myself...
Subscribed.
Liked.

Comment edited on: 5/25/2011 11:51:43 AM

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LADEEDAA 5/25/2011 11:48AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/25/2011 11:50:25 AM

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EDUKESS 5/25/2011 11:48AM

  Great blog, very entertaining. Don't fret Jen, sounds like you are on way back to to the land of exercise, and loving it! emoticon

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MAND8301 5/25/2011 11:15AM

    I loved this blog! I've missed reading all of your blogs, looks like I've got a couple weeks of catching up to do! ;)

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MSDHARMA 5/25/2011 11:13AM

    Great blog! Your attitude change is awesome! Keeping up with your exercise routine (as well as antibiotics) should help heal your infections faster than sitting around too.

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SHELLEY81 5/25/2011 11:11AM

    emoticon

The biggest thing I've been working on this month besides sitting for all eating experiences to not treat food as a reward or punishment. Food is to feed the body and pleasure the taste buds. It is a struggle, but the eating when hungry not because I'm pissed off, happy, sad, excited, nervous... excited is working so far..

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MAUITN 5/25/2011 10:52AM

    I love this new Way Way Back Jenn! Hope the antibiotics kick in soon and help you feel a lot better.

Oh, oh, I want a de-fatting Harry Potter wand too! I want one, I need one, I deserve one.


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JACKLIN11 5/25/2011 10:36AM

    OMG Jenn you are so right . You will need to be somewhat obsessed in order to reach your goals but it will be so flippin' worth it. I am glad you are determined. As for the yeast you may need to get radical with that . Google yeast and then talk to your doc. It could even be causing some of you cravings like cake and carbs and sweets. Good luck and let me know how it goes

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KARIDIAN1 5/25/2011 10:13AM

    Great Blog.

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HIPPICHICK1 5/25/2011 9:34AM

    Yep. It takes patience and perseverance too. Frankly I wouldn't wish fast weight loss on anyone. Did you know that rapid weight loss greatly contributes to the formation of gallstones? So does a life of obesity, and that is how I got mine, however rapid weight loss is really hard on your organs and you need those organs despite what any doctor will tell you about living without a gallbladder. So don't be so eager to lose all of your weight as quickly as possible.

Think of your skin too and how it shrinks back much more slowly with weight loss, leaving wrinkly, flopping folds.

If I had any advice to give to you (and trust me I do!) it would be to lose your 176 lbs over 2 - 3 years. Seriously. And stop eating bacon and other way too fatty foods because you're hurting your gallbladder.

One time I walked into a dance recital (I teach belly dance and was getting ready for the show) and my dance collegue was hovering around the food table complaining about her day job and she took a mini eclair and said, "I've had a sh%tty day at work. I deserve this!!!" and popped that entire white flour and fat pastry into her mouth and then had a 2nd one right after that. I thought to myself, "If you really wanted to 'treat' your body to something good, it would have been some raw veggies and hummus." The veggies would have hydrated her and given her a vitamin boost and the hummus being made up of legumes and good fats would have given her protein and filled that hunger gap.

I finding it truly sad that people believe that eating crap is a "treat." For me a treat is now an organic apple or banana, or some dried figs or fresh Medjool dates!

Newsflash: All the infections you mentioned are worsened by eating white flour, sugar and alcohol. I have been where you are now and you may be headed towards getting or already having Candida Albicans. Research this. Eat yogurt.

Glad to hear the old workout Jenn has been traded for the 2.135.
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MACEWOMAN 5/25/2011 9:16AM

    emoticon

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CINNAMONCAT9 5/25/2011 9:03AM

    Well done!

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TURKEYCALLER 5/25/2011 8:37AM

    Terrific!

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SIRYN511 5/25/2011 8:33AM

    Great!

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JACKIEP143 5/25/2011 8:17AM

    Jen, you so eloquently put into words what we are all thinking. I look forward to your blogs so much. You inspire me! emoticon

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THEIS58 5/25/2011 8:07AM

    Nothing like a new brain! emoticon

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MOSTMOM1 5/25/2011 7:48AM

    Yay, I'm lovin' the new brain!!


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CIVIAV 5/25/2011 7:36AM

    Maybe newer versions but still one and the same Jenn. Ain't that grand?!

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DBFBILLY 5/25/2011 5:35AM

    I really enjoyed this blog..sooo true..it takes about one year to really transform and see major changes..and for me, it goes the other way too, I can't "get away" with falling off the wagon, for about 9-12 months, then balloon up like the blueberry girl in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

you also said it best, about being a different version of yourself..That's exactly how I feel about myself in a lot of different ways..i'm not the same at all, so i'm a different version..good way to look at it! not sure what version yet., i've been through so many "transformations"..but i will have to come up with one..since i'm 47..maybe version 4.7?? i like that! emoticon emoticon

I'm adding you as a friend..i like your point of view

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Extreme Personal Makeover: The Spark Edition

Monday, May 23, 2011

I wasn't kidding when I decided I was done being frumptacular and I was going to start taking care of myself. I was, and am, sick of being dumpy and frumpy and totally lacking in style and personal care. I also am entirely lacking in patience of all kinds, so I was in no mood to wait for my transformation from Hag-O-Rama to chubby cuteness, so I started a frenzy of appointments.

I thought the bun was the worst culprit of frumpitude, and I was right, because people thought I was lying today at work when I said I had 10 inches cut off. They never saw it in anything other than a ponytail or a bun, so how would they know how much was hacked off? (Yes, I donated my hair. Kind of a no-brainer, don't you think? I think donating hair is like donating organs, if you can you should. Period. )

Between Thursday and Saturday, I did the following (and my debit card nearly melted just prior to bursting into flames):

Eye Exam and Contact Lenses
Brow Wax
Chin Wax
Lip Wax
Highlight
Cut
Manicure
Pedicure
Bought a dress (the first 3 I tried on were black and grey, but I overcame, I bought some color)
Bought shoes (and not flats!)

I felt like I was in Miss Congeniality, where her "pageant consultant" says "Eyebrows, there should be two!" However, when I strolled out of the salon, I did not hear Mustang Sally playing and it will be a while before I have the body of Sandra Bullock.

So, here it is, the big makeover...

Before, taken at a rest area in Tennessee:







Captain Ouchie Infected Toe shoe shopping pre-wedding:


And After:












Here is the interesting thing: people are nicer to me now that I'm not a total dumpy frumpalicious dowdy hag. I do not believe it has anything to do with how groomed my eyebrows are, the "pinky nightie" OPI color on my fingers, the extra light ash blonde highlights (heavier in the front and less in the back), or the fact that I splurged on some Mac lipstick. It has everything to do with the fact that when I'm happier in my own skin, I smile more, and I am, in general more pleasant to be around.

Yes, shocking, absolutely shocking--the more I like me, the more other people like me--who would have thunk it?

So, my SparkPeeps, what will you be doing to make you feel better about yourself? Will it be a bath with candles? A mani pedi? A cut? A color?
What kindness(es) you will be performing for yourself?

A pedicure?


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BDRFLI-TREKS 5/31/2011 11:52PM

    u r absolutely right! on the days that i dress myself up and feel good about it, i attract extra conversations and extra smiles! i love it! i plan on doing it in the morning, now that I've read your blog!

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TEXASLADY-38 5/31/2011 9:52AM

    You look great!!

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EVESGRANNY 5/31/2011 8:30AM

  Great stuff!. Very inspiring

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SHEILAB64 5/30/2011 1:14PM

    Yes I do notice that whenever I dress up and wear make up I get a lot of compliments and I do feel better about myself. Now to just make that a part of my daily routine - daily makeup is probably becoming a necessity.

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JENNYLENNON 5/30/2011 10:16AM

    I am planning a trip to the mall right now! I need some new nail polish....you look great btw :)

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CHESAPEAKE60 5/30/2011 10:09AM

    I really enjoy your blog. I love the idea of the makeover. You look wonderful....

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KIN59VARA 5/29/2011 8:35AM

    I love this blog! You did your own make over! I need to try to figure out how to do the same. I LOVE the hair and your big smile.

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KAYCEE918 5/29/2011 8:17AM

    What a wonderful way to start my day. You look beautiful my spark sister, and you reminded me of something I think I had forgotten, beauty comes from within. As long as I'm shrinking thinking everyone is looking, thinking and talking about how much weight i've gained, all of my defenses are up and i'm so concerned with that, that I don't have fun in the moment. Kudo's to you for spending some time, and money on making yourself feel good. emoticon

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ROXY27_29 5/28/2011 8:28PM

    You look great!!! Hope you had fun at the wedding!!!!

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DIVASPARK 5/28/2011 3:22PM

    great makeover you look MARVELOUS darling !

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DEMONDIETER 5/27/2011 9:45PM

    You look amazing!! Good for you! You've motivated me to get out of my yoga pants and oversized t-shirt, and go look in my closet for something a little brighter. I may even just go paint my nails!

Have a great day! You've inspired me to put a little "me time" in this weekend!
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SAINTBERNARD6 5/27/2011 12:37PM

    You are absolutely beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!

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KAITMEND 5/27/2011 10:03AM

    Not only do people react to you differently because of the way YOU feel...but when you stop hiding behind your glasses and bun and start wearing color and projecting an appearance that shows that you care - people are going to care! I'm so proud of you for doing that for yourself...it takes a lot of guts! Keep going with your transformation...

Comment edited on: 5/27/2011 10:04:16 AM

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KAREN_NY 5/27/2011 9:58AM

    Love love love that you look SOOO HAPPY!!!!!!! Rock the day,
K:)

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TOASTIE 5/27/2011 9:36AM

    I so totally love this new attitude. I find the same thing - when I glow from within, people are attracted to me, like a moth to a flame!

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COYOTESPEAKS 5/27/2011 9:15AM

  Oh my gosh! You look -adorable-! That's it, I'm scheduling my own haircut for next week. And, yes, the hair will be donated. I got the pedicure already, so now I just need to paint my own nails..

Transformation, begin!

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STEPHLOKI 5/27/2011 1:48AM

    You deserved the treat! Great way to celebrate the new you!

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CHATTIECATHY10 5/27/2011 1:25AM

    awesome....Keep up the good work.

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REDLACED 5/26/2011 11:55PM

    Gotta love a makeover!

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UPPITYANN 5/26/2011 10:30PM

  A GOOD jump start!

You hit upon a very important principle that CHANGE doesn't have to wait until weight loss. It can begin RIGHT TODAY.

Looking better and feeling better about oneself has just got to translate into more released energy to apply towards the weight goals.

This is a great blog.

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GOIN4GR8 5/26/2011 10:18PM

    CONGRATULATIONS on being a "Popular Blog Post"--and I can see why!! This was awesomely humorous and wonderfully uplifting. And you look SUPER!! ("Frumptacular"--why, I look that way every day myself--more and more the older I get!)

Thanks for the wakeup call, and for showing us what taking good care of yourself can do. :-)

YOU GO, GIRL!!!!

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WENDERALLA1 5/26/2011 9:53PM

  awesome... im going to follow your idea's :) thank emoticon

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MADDUXCR 5/26/2011 9:49PM

  What a pretty lady!! It's amazing how a makeover can make you feel. Congratulations on your positive attitude.

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PEISHYGIRL 5/26/2011 9:16PM

    emoticon

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THISTIMEMYWAY 5/26/2011 9:06PM

    ok no more black clothes all the time! I need to get a mani and pedi too! And get some hair chopped off....I neeed an extreme makeover too. Will schedule it tomorrow! Thanks for reminding me that I shouldn't wait until I'm at my ideal weight!!

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ALICIAT32 5/26/2011 8:34PM

    LOVE the pedi and hair the most! You're smokin now!!!

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BETHJRN 5/26/2011 7:54PM

    You're GORGEOUS! I've heard again and again the advice about not waiting until you've got your perfect body to get all prettied up. "Dress the body you have," I've been told time and again. It can get really frustrating trying to buy attractive, colorful clothing that fits and flatters me. But you've give me proof positive that it's worth the effort. Thanks for the inspiration. emoticon

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VICKI-N-FLA 5/26/2011 5:26PM

    emoticon You look great and it has to be a huge confidence booster. emoticon

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DELITFRN 5/26/2011 5:17PM

    Way to go! The pics are great and you can tell that when you are happier in your own skin, it glows throughout. Your post has given me the extra boost that I needed to continue on - I am on day #4 and it has been a very long time since I have "let my light shine through" will be doing that in the very near future!

Again, thank you and continue with your journey! emoticon

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KENDRASEPIPHANY 5/26/2011 4:53PM

    Thanks for sharing - you look beautiful in ALL the pictures, but I know what you mean about feeling better about yourself when you are taking care of yourself!

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MOMAAGAINX2 5/26/2011 4:12PM

    WOW what a makeover!!! emoticon

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BLACK741 5/26/2011 3:22PM

    Great post and great job outta you! Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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CORINNAW71 5/26/2011 1:50PM

    Loved your blog and am so happy that you posted before and after pics!!!! You do look great and I'm sure that it does show through in your attitude also! You go girl!!! emoticon

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KLONG8 5/26/2011 1:46PM

    It's weird, isn't it? When we seem to stop caring...it shows. And when we decide to care about ourselves...it shows. And people DO respond to that and we respond to ourselves. Thanks for making it so darn obvious. You look wonderful, happy.

Great message - and just what I needed today.

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CAMSMOM918 5/26/2011 1:28PM

    how beautiful - and you looked beautiful before, too . . . but if making these "modifications" make you feel better - go for it. i just bought a skin care routine with new cleanser, day and night creams, exfoliant . . . and it makes me feel pretty - i love it. it's the little things that we do for ourselves that make us feel better inside and out.

keep up the good work, gorgeous!
angela

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DIXIED88 5/26/2011 1:22PM

    1. gorgeous smile 2. love your hair! (and the donating bit!) 3. Va Va Voom in that dress! 4. Cat in the hat tat! You are just too and I do mean TOO COOL!! emoticon emoticon

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CAALAN23 5/26/2011 1:11PM

    Beautiful smile! You can always tell when someone "feels the pretty!"

Tina

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EMILYBBB 5/26/2011 1:04PM

    You look great! Great job of taking care of yourself!

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NATARSHAD 5/26/2011 12:18PM

    Way to go! I think I pretty much frumped it all last summer, which was so unlike me, because I had always been fab. I think I was at the lowest point in my life and really unhappy with myself. A year later, I have shed only @ 20lbs, but I keep at it. I eat good and exercise for a while, then fall off the wagon. I get back on and fall off over and over again. However, I decided to work with what I have and make it look it's very best. I feel so much better. Now I am re-mounting the wagon. I hope to stay on this time. Thanks for the inspiration!

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JUSTBIRDY 5/26/2011 11:45AM

    I have started "dressing up" when going shopping instead of always wearing gardening clothes, and people do treat me differently.
You look fantastic!

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BUTRFLYMAMA1 5/26/2011 11:41AM

    I needed that boost...thanks!

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TANYAP71 5/26/2011 11:36AM

    Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! You look great... just look at your smile!


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HISBEAUTY4ASHES 5/26/2011 11:02AM

    i saw you on the daily spark...you look beautiful!!! you should learn to enjoy yourself, even in your before pictures there was such a radiance in you! congrats on all of your big changes.

:-)

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MOSPARKS 5/26/2011 10:57AM

    You look fantastic! Hurray for you! I myself have found that if I dress better it motivates me to lose more weight. Sounds funny I know but I think if I look this great in this size - imagine how great I will look in a smaller size! Keep up the great work.

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KJT1985 5/26/2011 10:50AM

    This is amazing!! You took ten years off yourself and look so much happier!!

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MAMABRIDGEY 5/26/2011 10:25AM

    I have recently found this to be true, as well. When I take the time to look nice, and less frumpy, people respond differently to me! I feel like this: if I walk around with my head down looking frumpy, thinking negative "I'm fat, ugly, etc." comments, people tend to look through me. If I am walking around strutting like I am hot #@*#, if feels like they are looking and thinking "Man, she sure thinks she is something! I wonder if she IS?" It's all in my head, I know, but I sure like the way it feels when I do the latter, rather than the former. It's amazing what a couple of new pairs of high-heeled sandals can do for a person!

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ZIZZZY 5/26/2011 10:03AM

    Wow, you look so much younger and happier! Love your smile in the first after pic, the one with your sunglasses on top of your head. Its so candid and seems like a reflection of your personality, like someone caught you in a moment of pure joy. Its so important to make sure the outside matches the inside!

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FRYGAL1 5/26/2011 9:52AM

    You are radiant - that's the word. You're glowing from the inside out! I just discovered you, and I've been reading your blogs, and you are so motivating to me. At 302 pounds, I am trying to get back on track with my fitness and nutrition, and reading your posts are so inspirational! It's a revelation to me - I want to have attitude. Often I think that just by forcing ourselves to think positively, we become more positive people, and are able to accomplish more. Kudos to you - I'm adding you as a friend, because I want to follow you on this journey. Thanks for the boost! emoticon

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DEBLYNN323 5/26/2011 9:43AM

    You hit the nail on the head...great blog!

And you look fabulous!
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MINENA1 5/26/2011 9:14AM

    You look FABULOUS!!!

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Greetings From Chattanooga!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Choo Choooooooo!

I'm in sunny Tennessee for the weekend. I'm exhausted but happy to be here.

It is insanely difficult to eat a clean diet while road tripping, but I did bring 1.5 pounds of the most beautiful organic strawberries on the trip and they were awesome. I didn't eat them all, but at least a quarter pound of them prevented me from getting some sort of lard platter with butter and a side of fried things from Cracker Barrel.

I did not workout today, primarily because of time constraints, but OMG my abs hurt so bad from the abs class with the supermodel on Wednesday. I have to rise from a seated position like I'm 85 years old and constipated, holding my stomach. I sneezed earlier and I think the pain was a good approximation, if only for a second, of childbirth.

Since the Supermodel AND the instructor asked if I would be back next Wednesday, I guess I'm going back. I keep hearing strength training this and abs that and core this and weights that, so this is a good way for a strength training idiot to do it without too much agonizing over the high reps low weights vs low reps high weights with the attention one would normally give selecting a name for their first child. Seriously, some people are very into their weight training and I'm just not there. I don't have an opinion on 12 vs 15 reps per set. I may never have an opinion on the matter.

Tomorrow is the wedding. I have acquired some new things that are totally outside my normal comfort zone, and I can't wait to take some pics and show off some before and after pics. (This statement makes me wonder if I have been taken by aliens and somehow returned to my body, only with a brain that doesn't hate photos!)

Shopping for the Wedding With Captain Ugly Toe:

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SILENTE8 5/23/2011 12:37PM

  I hope you enjoyed yourself at the wedding.
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GENELDABELDA 5/22/2011 8:23PM

    so.....how was the wedding....and the rest of your weekend. I can't wait to hear and see! Check out my blog...i'm starting to run....what have I gooten myself into?

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VEGGIEGIRLCOURT 5/22/2011 8:22PM

    Love those shoes! I can't wait to see pics!!!!

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PAWSINAZ 5/22/2011 5:34PM

    Thanks for making me laugh!

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LESS_IS_MO 5/21/2011 11:11PM

    Your blog reminded me of something my husband said to me tonight about people who are good at sports."Early on in life they become aware that they are really good at something, and that other people really admire their talents, so they stop trying in other areas, like being nice, or working hard in other subjects at school" I think it might be the same for skinny super attractice people. People immediately like them, so they learn they can be selfish or greedy or have all kinds of bad traits without repercussions that the rest of us get. I'm glad your supermodel was nice too though. Great blog and a great perspective again!!!

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2FUN2B_LAZY 5/21/2011 8:23PM

    I love those tennis shoes next to your toe! hahah
Also, you are only 3 hours from me if you are in Chattanooga!

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ZOOKEEPERMAMA 5/21/2011 7:49PM

    Great post, as always! And I don't think you were abducted by aliens. I think it was the weight-loss fairy... emoticon

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OVERHAULING-ME 5/21/2011 5:26PM

    Have fun at the wedding and just keep making GREAT choices, like the strawberries. I haven't joined a gym yet but hearing about all the different classes people do is making it sound very appealing!

I haven't added any ST yet but I know I need to. I recently saw a picture comparing one pound of muscle to one pound of fat. Oh My STARS the size difference is amazing. I definitely want firmer muscles once all this lard is off my body!

Enjoy your time with your loved ones!

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ROXY27_29 5/21/2011 3:18PM

    I hope you have a good time at the wedding!!!! Can't wait to see picture!!!!

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REDDIRTRUNNER 5/21/2011 1:21PM

    SEXY shoes! Even with captain ugly toe! You are freakin hilarious! Love the aliens taking over the brain thing!
Have fun at the wedding!
ST will change you- Just saying- Seriously change you! Feeling strong gives a whole new level to confidence. Watch out world!
Strong, sexy, Captain Ugly toe is on the scene! hehe emoticon

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LINDAJ0621 5/21/2011 11:36AM

    Love the shoes!!! Enjoy your weekend!
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MAUITN 5/21/2011 10:26AM

    Have fun this weekend. I can't wait to see the pictures. The weather is perfect for a wedding.

We are so close, maybe another time we can meet.

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JANANNSTEW 5/21/2011 9:19AM

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 5/21/2011 7:10AM

    I have found that strawberries are so much better than lard platters :) It's great that the instructor AND the supermodel want you to com back to the class... do you think just being in the same class with her will make you thin, no, worth a shot. Super cute shoes, enjoy the wedding!

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STILLOUT2LUNCH 5/21/2011 7:08AM

    Look forward to seeing the pictures with the new haircut, makeup, etc. If people don't notice anything else, they should not be able to miss that winning attitude you are wearing! It looks GREAT.

Have fun.

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PANBOOKS 5/21/2011 3:58AM

    Have fun!

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GOLOPTIOUS 5/21/2011 3:05AM

    WooHoo for strawberries! I had some yesterday that were absolutely delicious! It's awesome that the Supermodel and instructor are taking an interest in you. That's definitely more motivation to go to the class!

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CANNIE50 5/21/2011 1:38AM

    Cute shoe! I have an opinion about strength training: keep it simple, but do it! (just use proper form or all your hard work won't amt to as much). Think about it, as your insulation falls off, inch by inch, you will be unveiling toned, strong muscles emoticon While this is just my opinion, it seems that people who combine S.T. (and cardio) with eating better and eating less, end up happier with their new bodies than people who just change their eating habits. Sometimes, just reducing food intake to lose weight leaves a person looking a bit deflated. Besides, we are stronger than skinny people by virtue of the fact we have been packing all this stuff around with us - may as well use our superior muscles to make more muscles.

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K_FUHRMAN 5/21/2011 12:14AM

    My Parents live just east of there. Have a good time.

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JUICINGJOJO 5/21/2011 12:03AM

    Have fun, that area is GORGEOUS!

I am still insanely jealous of anyone that gets to go to Cracker Barrel at all. Le sigh. We don't have one here. And Bojangles...oh what I wouldn't do for a Bo chicken biscuit. Me, a food lover? Uh...well....maybe.

My husband and I do a different set of reps on our ST stuff. He does 12, I do 15. Not because I have an opinion on the matter, however. It is simply that our trainer explained it to like this: higher number of reps with lower weights equals toning, lower number of reps with higher weights equals muscle building. And since the trainer is hot, I guess we'll go with his theory. I didn't have a better idea.

I'll definitely be watching for more in the Chronicles of the Super Model Ab class. Oh yes.



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NUMD97 5/20/2011 11:45PM

    Thanks for the chuckle. It was just what the doctor ordered for today. Have a great weekend at the wedding!

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55WALKER 5/20/2011 11:42PM

    My home town! emoticon


Have a great weekend. emoticon

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PUOKGIRL 5/20/2011 11:32PM

    I have felt your ab pain before. Mine came the day after a Billy Blanks TaeBo Abs and Butt workout. OMG. I hurt from my bra band to just below my butt. But man, did I feel like a rock star for finishing that workout and continuing to function through the pain.

Have fun in Tennessee!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

The Supermodel at the Gym & Feeling Inferior... What Makes You Feel Inferior?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

First and foremost, thank you to everyone who voted for my last blog and made it "popular." I feel more honored than you will ever know. Thank you all, truly, from the bottom of my heart. I am both shocked and pleased that you found my writing meaningful!

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I went to the gym yesterday with a real plan. Not my usual plan to "move large ass, make it smaller." I was going to treadmill, then I was going to be adventurous and try the elliptical for the first time, then I was going to do an abs class followed by a weight training class. Three new things in one trip to the gym, this is progress, especially when none of those three things include falling off the elliptical.

I don't particularly enjoy the newbie feeling, I get no sense of elation at trying a new class at the gym, I experience something more like fear and a distinct please-don't-let-me-puke-from-the-exertion feeling. Afterwards, I may think a class was great, but in the moment, I'm fearing humiliation and my pants falling down or tripping and giving myself a concussion, getting caught picking a wedgie, farting during a crunch and the like.

I make it to the classroom, pick a spot towards the back and side of the room. There isn't a sign or anything saying "this way oversized people" but the fat girls always gravitate to this spot, as if it was magically going to render them invisible or make their BMI plummet 10 points.

In classes, I'm like a fat magnet. There is always someone next to me who wears a size 16 or bigger. Maybe my greater fatness is like armor for their self esteem? Maybe my size 22ness (WOOT) draws people nearby, because they are officially not the biggest, lardiest one in the class?

I digress. I pick my spot in FatVille and then The Supermodel walks in and takes the spot ahead of me in fat Siberia... where she clearly does not belong.

I am not exaggerating when I say this, I'm being serious. Six feet tall, perfect size six, curvy and tight and skin like a porcelain doll. She also had an amazingly cool probably Eastern European accent. She was miles beyond normal gorgeous, she looked like someone photographers would commit murder to photograph. (It helps to know that the gym I go to is about 1.5 miles from the world headquarters of Victoria's Secret, and I've met Stephanie Seymour wandering about town in the past, so real life supermodel is not out of the realm of possibility here.)

Anyway, The Supermodel has been to this class earlier this week, so she helps me pick out the equipment I need, and is extremely sweet, damn it.

I'm right behind this gorgeous, flawless creature who does not sweat, she glistens, glows and radiates beauty and good genes. At first I started to go into self-loathing mode, my inner voice getting all wound up while we do abdominal torture. "Why are you even in this class, you will never look like her, you will never be thin, you will never be any better than you are today, people like her belong here, not you, you've failed every single time you've tried before and this time is not different"

But then something clicked. Something in my sick little brain stood up and practically screamed "NO MORE!" In that instant, her perfect body became inspiration. Her magnificent face and body was no longer an excuse to feel inferior, it was incentive to go harder, faster and longer. If I do another pushup, I will eventually have a flat stomach like she does. If I hold this plank for five more seconds without peeing myself from the agony, I will be slim like her. If I do 10 more pelvic thrusty butt clenchy things, my derriere will be impertinently perky like hers.

I never TRULY understood the saying "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" until yesterday.

I was feeling completely inferior to someone I didn't know a thing about aside from a) appearance and b) cool accent. Not a damn thing. She could have been a schizophrenic serial killer with bad breath and I would have still assumed she was better than I.

Here is a fact: I feel inferior around thin women. It doesn't matter if they are mean, stupid, ill-mannered, ignorant, rude, smelly, bitchy, or any other number of things, I ALLOW myself to feel inferior because they are thin, as though that is the only standard that matters. NO MORE. I will no longer feel inferior because I wear a larger size than someone else.

I am a good person, I am worthy of love and respect, I am kind. I am smart. I can be funny on occasion, I work hard. I work daily to improve the world I live in. I will no longer consider myself inferior because they don't sell my size in the vast majority of highly fashionable stores! I am just as good as anyone else, size 2 or 22.

What makes you feel inferior and what are you going to do about it?



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLYGAGA 5/26/2011 2:11PM

    This cracked me up and motivated me at the same time. I read this twice btw.

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JDECKNESS 5/26/2011 2:03PM

    I also feel inferior to Thin, Beautiful people. I think it goes a little deeper with me. I get mad at them and even start to resent them. How dare they be born with good genes that allow them to walk around looking so good? How dare they have perfect teeth and flawless skin? Don't they know that people like me work hard every day to even have a tenth of the beauty they possess? I worked with a girl (she is a few years younger than me) who looked like she was a cheerleader in high school. I didn't talk to her for a very long time until one day a friend of mine was speaking with her and said to her face, "People like you should be drowned at birth. Stop being so thin and pretty." The beautiful, petite blond, cheerleader looking girl in front of us looked shocked and hurt. She replied, "I am sorry. I don't feel thin and pretty." I could hold my tongue no longer. I said, "Are you kidding me? You look like the cheerleader type." I think I may have had a disgusted look on my face because she actually backed away from me all the while apologizing for her looks. It was at that point that I realized, just because we perceive someone to be thin and beautiful that may not always be the way they see themselves. It turns out that she actually had to work to get to where she is today. I did apologize to her and we worked on fairly decent terms after that. I am at new job now and I think I was starting to forget the lesson I had learned that day. Thank you for reminding me that just because someone is gorgeous doesn't give me the right to hate them.

Comment edited on: 5/26/2011 3:20:17 PM

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DHALYIA 5/26/2011 1:32AM

    I used to get that inferior feeling...but them I imagine that somewhere is someone who wishes she looked like me. If someone else wants to be me, then I want to be like her, whoever she is.

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KRISTIARLINE 5/25/2011 11:56PM

    What a great blog; so full of the truth that we all put oursleves through. Some where along the way we learned, or was it taught, to compare ourselves to others to find fault not inspiration. This is truly a major step in the journey to wellness.

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RESILIENTBABE 5/25/2011 7:36PM

  That's a wonderful and inspiring story! What makes me feel inferior is wedding dress shopping. But it's also a source for motivation.

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BEAUTIFULWISH 5/25/2011 5:21PM

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T-SQUARED 5/25/2011 4:53PM

    I totally agree, I have a love hate relationship with beautiful women. They do inspire me though. I tend to track classes at my gym that are taught by instructors I would die to look like. the ones that look normal don't seem to motivate me as much. Use the skinny bitches as fuel!

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BIG_TREE 5/25/2011 1:41PM

    Yours is a thought-provoking question. I suppose most of us have felt inferior around someone, for whatever reason, for a good portion of our lives. But now, at age 61, it is finally sinking in that there will ALWAYS be someone cooler, more muscular, thinner, funnier, have a better head of hair, a better cook, a better lover (sigh), and have a more generous heart than me. At this age, most of that no longer matters, but what keyed that realization is that now I know for a fact that there will always be people YOUNGER than me, and for that there is no exercise, no diet, no self-help class, no best friend or magic pill that can do one frikkin' thing about it.

I understand your self-derision moments. We all have them -- even the supermodel, I guarantee it. Does she go to the gym to show off? No. She goes to the gym because she knows she has to work out to keep fit and trim (and yes, I know it rhymes). Her personal standards might be different, but she suffers the same anxieties about self image that we all do (unless you're Donald Trump, whose self image is always golden for no discernible reason).

All that said, I am happy to read that you are coming to realize that the person you force out of bed every day and who puts on her trainers and goes to the gym is a motivated person, and a motivated person is one worth knowing. A motivated person is a motivating person. This much is obvious by the outpouring of support you get here. Keep it up!


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ZENNA97 5/25/2011 10:09AM

    Chica, you are writing my story!! I'm truly loving it!!Keep sharing cause I need it! emoticon

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DWILCZKO 5/25/2011 12:19AM

  you're awesome!

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AQUABUNNY 5/24/2011 11:23PM

    OMG I felt the same way at zumba class a few months ago and never went back. Now, thanks to you, I'm going back! Maybe even tomorrow lol!!!



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HOLLIEWALLY 5/24/2011 9:49PM

    Amazing post. You are an awesome inspiration!!!

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KLONG8 5/24/2011 7:31PM

    This was about perfect. I think most of us have felt something like this at one point or another. Congratulations on the path you're leading. It will take you where you want to go (well, THERE's a t-shirt motto).

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DRAYTONBELL1 5/24/2011 7:02PM

  You spoke the truth but you were so funny doing it you made me laugh till I cried.I go to Zumba once a week but I feel so self conscious I missed a few weeks. The teacher is encouraging and makes the class fun but I feel clumsy doing all the steps. I have always felt self conscious doing certain things. That is why I prefer to exercise at home. I love Zumba however and your blog is giving me the the courage to continue. So clumsy or not I am going back.

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CHRISS1225 5/24/2011 6:44PM

    I am so happy that YOU learned the ultimate lesson and will now grow to your next level of development. You never know, the SM may have been totally envious of your courage and determination to be better today than you were yesterday. You just never know what's really going on in someones heart and mind...she may be dealing with some very difficult issues of her own.

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KJMAZ2011 5/24/2011 6:11PM

    Thanks for your post. I needed to read this today. :-)

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WADINGMOOSE 5/24/2011 5:44PM

    I also feel inferior to the thin people. And the good swimmers. And the people with good hair. And the people with awesome shoes. People with earrings. People who wear makeup daily. People who get popular blog post awards (yay you!). People who have lost more weight than me. People who have the potential to lose more weight than me. People with dogs. People withoug dogs. Should I go on? Or do you get the picture?

Thanks for this by the way. I need to stop being intimidated and try imitating.

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LOSE2BSEXY 5/24/2011 5:42PM

    U go girl standing up TO YOURSELF. If all of us had that attitude we could accomplish great things

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GABBY0913 5/24/2011 5:27PM

    Great blog!!

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DAWNEMERGES 5/24/2011 4:20PM

    Thanks for sharing your story!! It is sooo true, what you said. It took me a long time to realize, or even believe, it but it is amazing how much more confidence you get when you actually push aside those feelings and focus on how much you are worth. Once you do that, your confidence keeps growing, almost exponentially!!

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GRANDMA1951 5/24/2011 4:01PM

    I love your blog. You really hit it. We all need to remember that we're as good as anyone else. Thanks for sharing.

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LITAGRL67 5/24/2011 1:52PM

    emoticon I stopped going to my gym because the closest gym I could go to was full of "hollywood" hopefuls trying to make it big, and of course had "perfect" bodies. I didn't have your strength and stopped myself from feeling inferior. GOOD FOR YOU :) I'm more determined than ever :)

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ERICACEAE 5/24/2011 10:30AM

    Good for you!

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BEACHGIRL76 5/24/2011 10:23AM

    Amazing blog! Yes I will work on being "better" to myself. I do love myself, I do accept myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't say negative things like "this is too hard, you'll never be able to do it, it's going to take forever to lose weight because you never stick with it." We all know it's LIES! And the only reason we aren't in shape is because we aren't doing enough to get there...period.

Way to go on going to the class and changing your attitude! Keep going to class, eventually you may be helping someone just like you! You are very pretty, so no more judging because when you get skinny, someone may feel the same way about you, and they will have no idea where you came from to get where you are in that moment. I can't wait to see how great you will look when you are living your best life ever! I can't wait to see what I look like either! More importantly I can't wait to have a NATURAL healthy lifestyle and be an example for everyone! We can do it! :) Remember we can be models too! :)

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60ROCKS 5/24/2011 10:20AM

    My world is a better place today because you were strong enough to share your gut level feelings here! Thank you my friend.

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ROSE_50CA 5/24/2011 6:12AM

    emoticon

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NYARAMULA 5/24/2011 1:38AM

    Amazing blog!

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JANUSCA 5/24/2011 1:24AM

  God, bless your toughs, it is so brave to put on words what so many of us feel

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WEEZYB7881 5/24/2011 1:22AM

    great blog thanks for sharing

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KRISTEN_SAYS 5/24/2011 1:00AM

    Great blog!!

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FEFE-89 5/24/2011 12:25AM

    Thank you for this!...I go to a gym 4-5 nights a wk. i go there at 10:30p or later just to avoid these 'models'!. am so self-conscious right now, i worry about my rolls, my big ass and all the looks i see other fatties get when they're on machines. it definitely is something am working on improving as i loose more weight and feel comfortable with the body i have now... again thanks for the post. it def helps to know sometimes your not the only one who thinks like that :-)

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SUNNY1989 5/24/2011 12:20AM

    Thank you so much for writing this. I've never really realized how I do the same thing- allow people who are smaller make me feel inferior- and now that I've realized I do, I can recognize the action and make it STOP! Thanks again :)

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WONDERS06 5/23/2011 11:06PM

    I'm glad that I took the time to read this blog.

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PCSEEKSSUCCESS 5/23/2011 9:55PM

    Amen and amen and with your spunk you too will no longer be a size 22 (speaking from one who has delightfully emptied those from her closet!)

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GAYDOSC 5/23/2011 9:45PM

    This made me giggle....and its so true! I think sometimes I wish too hard to be someone else when I see these supposedly perfect people. But you are so right: true beauty is on the inside. If we can truly love ourselves, it will naturally progress to eating right and taking care of our bodies, looking radiant, and being a compassionate, loving person to others.

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NIKKIG3 5/23/2011 9:36PM

    I definately know this feeling and I hate it. Right now I am very self concious about it to the point where I think I am hyper-sensitive. I hate the feeling.

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WELL-ROUNDED 5/23/2011 9:23PM

    I was a size 22. Down to a 14 now. Still the same person, but people treat me differently now. Or maybe I am acting differently which makes them treat me differently. Or maybe I didn't make eye contact enough before to engage anyone. But it made me realize most of it was probably in my head. I think.

You make me laugh. I live amongst super thin women, and I actually have reverse discrimination against them that I need to get over (as I become one of them!) Good blog!

Kathy

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SML4JC 5/23/2011 9:05PM

    Loved it....thanks for sharing

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2BFITNHAPPY 5/23/2011 8:21PM

  Great blog.

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FLY0NTHEWAL1 5/23/2011 7:27PM

    Thin and beautiful women sometimes make me feel less-than, and I have definitely let that get to me before. BUT - you know something? There is a chance that there was a time when she was not so perfect, maybe her current size 6 used to be a size 16.
As many of us can attest to-- even after losing weight and getting fitter by the day, a lot of us never forget who we once were, and some of us, no matter how much we lose, ever think we're anyone else but that overweight person we used to be.
Good for you, good for that supermodel type, good for anyone who is taking care of themselves. That's the kind of attitude I think is important to maintain if we're going to get where we want to go.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It was a nice addition to my day. : )

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INASTOVALL 5/23/2011 7:14PM

    Yes, there are so many times we look at others who are smaller and you just want to "hate" them in a sense but I learned that sometimes that same person may have been fat at one point in her life and then maybe not. The thing is to just strive to work towards our own goals for one day we maybe looked at as "supermodels" lol.

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KITHKINCAID 5/23/2011 6:49PM

    Best thing I've read all day! Seriously. And P.S. Maybe SHE doesn't belong at the gym? For as many times as I've heard bigger people say they don't feel like they belong at the gym - then what the heck is the gym for? I chastised a "friend" of mine on facebook for making a snide comment about a woman at her gym in workout clothes that showed her extra rolls. Clearly that woman was there to LOSE the extra rolls - so why make fun of her? I de-friended this person immediately. Clearly she knows nothing :)

You on the other hand - you got it girl!

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JOEYSPOOK 5/23/2011 6:43PM

    I can so relate to all you wrote! I started a bootcamp last week, I started as a size 22 and am now an 18 but plateaud, so I added the bootcamp class twice a week... I went to the class (thru my locals parks department) only I didn't know which way was the back of the class and I ended up in the front... I was so mortified, "everyone" else had clearly been taking the class for awhile so I felt so behind and embarrased and flopping around trying to keep up. Yes, I farted, quietly TG but somehow I survived it and only felt like throwing up!!
I guess I have finally found that place where I just don't care to compare myself to anyone else anymore. Tonight it class 2 and I know it will hurt and be hard... but dang-nabbitt!! I am gonna like it!!


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JUDYRSPARK 5/23/2011 6:34PM

  I was once the fat girl, back in the 70's, when there wasn't a whole lot of sympathy for people like me. I took abuse from strangers and family members. I got thin 29 years ago from a combination of things, but the most important thing was I learned to stop waiting until I got thin to treat myself like a worthy human being. Don't give up, and regardless of your size, be kind to yourself. Also, please don't assume the thin person beside you is judging you. Chances are she is obsessing about her own cellulite or bad hair day or the dumb thing she did in traffic on her way to the gym.


Comment edited on: 5/23/2011 6:35:11 PM

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CITYGIRLTINA 5/23/2011 6:23PM

    I know what you mean at times when I've been at the gym I also have seen model shaped women and I've asked myself: "Why is she here?" But now I just tell myself that they go to the gym to keep the shape they have so they don't start to look like me. And the more I think about it I want to push myself harder so I can stop looking like the me I am right now to. They may not realize it but they can be our inspiration. I don't necessarily want to look just like a model but I want to look the best my body can be. The truth is even models have flaws so I believe we can all be just as beautiful as the next person. There is truly no perfect human but we all can be near perfect. We just have to believe in ourselves and what we can accomplish.

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CRAZY4DMB 5/23/2011 6:09PM

    Soooo funny and so true. Thanks for sharing "out loud" what all of our inner monologue is really saying...

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BLUESAPIDITY 5/23/2011 5:46PM

    I actually got a little knot in my throat reading this; I too have a difficult time not feeling inferior because I'm overweight. I recognize logically that I shouldn't feel that way, but sometimes I can't help it. Thank you for writing this blog entry; you've help inspire me today :)

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TUBLADY 5/23/2011 5:40PM

    Great blog. You said what many of us have felt at times.
I avoided the pool for I didn't want to be seen in my size 24 suit. With my thighs and legs rubbing together. But I over came my embarrassment when I saw others in the same shape or even worse and I too started to work toward getting like the skinny size 6 with the perfect booty and perky, implanted breasts..
I will never have the shape that I had when I was that young model type person of years ago, but I will be fit and hot for a women of my age.
You go girl and do your thing, you deserve to get your shape just as the hot model got hers.
Stay positive
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LULU3561 5/23/2011 5:40PM

    OMG I've felt the same way before..thanks for the great blog. emoticon

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CECE0330 5/23/2011 5:31PM

    We as women NEED to stop these feelings of inferiority! For whatever reason. I've been really, really working on shutting up that inner voice that likes to say "you're not good enough to be up here" (leading a zumba class). Says who? People keep showing up to my classes. Clearly they think I'm acceptable as a leader at the very least. Anyway, we can ALL benefit from telling ourselves we ARE strong, capable, beautiful women. Perfection is overrated. I'll take my flaws, thanks. They're what sets me apart from everyone else.

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I'm DONE. I'm Done Punishing Myself For Being Fat. Are You?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I have served my sentence. I committed a crime against my body and my brain has made me pay for at least fifteen years. 1996 was the year I tipped from a weight in the 100's to a weight in the 200's, and not a moment since have I cut myself some slack about it. My internal monologue is more brutal than the words that abusive spouses use, and no, I am not exaggerating. I talk to myself in a way that I would not tolerate from anyone. I talk to myself using words that I would report to the humane society if I heard someone else doing it to their DOG.

The self-loathing, the hating myself and punishing myself for getting fat and staying fat and getting fatter every month are over. Clearly, since the self-hatred started about #200, the guilt and the horrible feelings about myself have not been beneficial, since I did gain another 111 pounds AT THE MINIMUM, since I started the internal self abuse.

Here is what I think about fat and food guilt: you feel like butt, so you eat to self medicate, which makes you get enormous, which makes you feel like bigger stinkier butt, so you eat to self medicate, and then, shockingly, you get more ginormous. Well, that vicious cycle is gone. The fat has left the building, right behind Elvis.

I will not feel guilty about food, and I am OVER punishing myself for being huge, consciously and unconsciously.

I will no longer be doing the following:

***Buying frumpy and matronly clothing. SCREW SWEATER SETS!
***Going six months between haircuts. Kiss my newly size 22 butt SUPERCUTS!
***Letting my brows turn into caterpillars. Bring on the wax, my byotches!
***Waiting too long to wax the girl 'stache and chin or not doing it at all. UNACCEPTABLE level of manliness! Say NO to the mustache!
***Buying men's clothing because it fits better. Seriously? WTF? I know some of you are doing it, too! STOP!
***Saying coloring or highlighting my hair is too expensive and believing it. Bring on the stinky goo and the foil!
***Keeping my hair down to my waist, all one length, with grey showing because it is cheap and easy. Not that there is anything wrong with cheap and easy, lots of my friends are proud to be cheap and easy. :)

For far too long doing nice things for myself like a good cut and color, and having the jungle that is my brows bulldozed, seemed like putting lipstick on a pig. Chanel lipstick on a really ugly pig. A waste of time, energy and money.

Why on earth would I spend that kind of money trying (and failing) to make something as hideous as my carcass look every so slightly better? A cut won't cover the mounds of adipose. Who gives two shits about how my brows look or even what color my eyes are behind my Coke-bottle glasses when my ass didn't fit into a size 24 anymore? Let's not pretend that makeup can obscure the fact that I'm the human incarnation of Jabba The Hut. Who cares, really?

But here is the truth about the whole damn thing: I care. I do. I care a lot. Maybe not six weeks ago, but I certainly do today.

I'm done with having my outside reflect the deep-seated loathing that I feel for myself. (I'm also done with feeling deep-seated loathing for myself!!) I am done wearing five shades ranging from light grey to medium grey to dark grey to charcoal to black in an attempt to be invisible. Some days I'm going to fake it until I feel it and other days I will actually feel some like for myself. In time I expect the like days will be far more common than the shame days.

This change isn't external, it is internal. I am comparing photos from the last five years to current photos at the same weight. I looked a lot better then, because I still had the last vestiges of love for myself in those pics. I still cared for myself, even if it seemed futile. I still put makeup on.

I have to go to my sister's wedding this weekend. I have no idea where my makeup is. BAD SIGN.

Contact lenses are no longer a 40 pound reward. They are moving from the want list to the need list. As are cut, color, wax, wax and more wax. Some makeup will also be moving to the need list.

I am making a solemn vow to be doing the following in the next few weeks:

Expensive Cut (by this I am referring to anywhere other than the Supercuts mentioned above)
Painfully Expensive Color (I have soooo much hair, this is going to be pricey!)
Chin Wax
Lip Wax
Brow Wax
Makeup

If I could figure out a way to get all of this done before the wedding on Saturday I would. I may call in reinforcements in Chattanooga (home of the wedding) to get this done. I will probably have to take money out of savings since this is unplanned, but I'M FREAKING WORTH IT!

I AM WORTH A HAIRCUT. I AM. WORTH. A. STINKING. HAIRCUT.

What are you worth? What have you not been doing? What do you need to start doing to prove it to yourself that you are WORTH IT?


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNSPOT_BABY 10/7/2012 12:11AM

    OMG! I love this blog post!! I have called myself Jabba the Hut for YEARS! I didn't think other people did that.... But you are right. I am worth it... "It" being a million things. I have only recently begun wearing make up and doing my hair again, but you know what? I had told myself, "I'm not going to cut my hair until I lose 100 lbs." WTF? Why did I do that? I really hope that you get all that done before the wedding! You so deserve it! Take care! Great blog!

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BETHANY198325 6/17/2011 11:51AM

    Oh man this is SO me. SO ME.

For the record...I made an appointment to get my haircut and brow wax this morning.

We don't deserve to be punished!

Thanks for the great blog :)

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RASMUSSEN5 5/25/2011 8:25PM

    This was awesome! Great blog and I think it will ring true for many people if they are honest with themselves. Thanks for posting!

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RESILIENTBABE 5/25/2011 7:40PM

  I am done punishing myself, too, but for me it's *not* forcing myself through the normal beauty routine. I'm trying to accept myself as I am, and not try to "make it up" with beauty treatments that only make me feel more insecure if I go too long between. Don't get me wrong, it's great that this works for you. But I felt the need to share what works for me :)

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GEMGLOW 5/25/2011 7:27PM

    WOW! Your writing the words everyone is thinking..and so in touch with the emotions...My eyes welled up and by the end I'm nodding and smiling..
HECK YEAH!
All of us deserve to look good!Be it a hair cut, lip stick or whatever...feeling good about the way we look makes it all seem worth it!
My clothes were shades of gray and black too...(isn't black slimming?lol)
tks for the awesome blog! emoticon

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FRITO_PIE 5/25/2011 12:52PM

    This was sent to me by someone who loves me, who sent me for my first manicure ever. Big Apple Red Opi nail lacquer - it's a small step. Thank you for finding the words and for sharing them!!

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ZENNA97 5/25/2011 9:53AM

    I always say that I am my worse enemy! Great words of encouragement.Keep Sharing I need it!! emoticon

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BEACHGIRL76 5/24/2011 10:34AM

    I need to start fixing my hair more often instead of putting it up in a bun. I need to get haircuts on a regular, not every 3 months, and not at Great Clips because it's cheap. I need to shave my legs at least 2x's a week instead of once every two weeks. I need to get my eyebrows done every 2-3 weeks not every other month-they get too hairy by then, and I need to wear make-up more often. My hubby said he didn't care either way, but I DO CARE. I feel better when I have it on. I probably were makeup once every 2 months. I WILL NOT lay around in sloppy clothes all day, just because I'm not working a full time job. I WILL start taking better care of myself because I AM WORTH IT! My hubby gets up, gets dressed, puts on cologne, brushes his teeth, puts his shoes on, and shaves if he has too, JUST BECAUSE, oh and he works out every night too. He doesn't even work, and does all this. He just "get's ready" because, he always takes care of himself so why don't I?? ENOUGH ALREADY! You totally woke me up! Thanks girl! We are worth it everyday!

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SPECNEEDSMOM19 5/24/2011 10:21AM

    Okay, girlfriend, I just looked at your Sparkpage, and I have to tell you - YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! PLEASE give that nasty internal voice the TOTAL SMACKDOWN!
You not only deserve a haircut and waxing and whatever other self-care you want, you deserve to look into the mirror and realize you ARE what you dream you 'should' be - a strong, beautiful woman. Be well and take care... - L

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SPECNEEDSMOM19 5/24/2011 10:16AM

    Great blog. And you are definitely worth it! And a mani/pedi on top!!!! :-) I totally understand the emotional journey, which has elements of my own; the anger at that strange toad-like judge that sits inside and says absolutely horrible things - some kind of misguided protection from the big-scary world, you know, say it to yourself first, and worse, so that whatever judgements come from others won't hold a candle to what you already know and tell yourself. But maybe that's just me??? I don't know - I'm not trying to put that analysis on you!!!! I think it is a great thing to look at yourself and know that you are worth liking, and being cared for by someone - especially by yourself. Thank you so much for the reminder!!!


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CIVIAV 5/24/2011 8:08AM

    How did I miss this one!? Yippee!

You are worth it... the haircut, the nails, a massage, new running shoes, a little black dress and all the good feelings that are coming your way!

WOOHOO!

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VICKY073 5/23/2011 7:18PM

    I just love your blog!

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PRETENDME 5/23/2011 4:28PM

  I LOVE emoticon LOVE emoticonLOVE emoticon this blog!!!!! It hit home hard! I was just complaining about the effort of tracking food and taking time for me.... some of the things you talk about here are so why- I am off to get a haircut! emoticon

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JMELEE5105 5/23/2011 12:45PM

    I love this post!! I honestly do the same thing in terms of clothes, just covering myself up to hide the insecurity that stems from not being the size I want to be. No more!!!

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WOLFKITTY 5/23/2011 11:56AM

    I agree! I've felt that in order to truly lose weight, and feel better, and be healthier, you need to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It's hard to care for something that you loathe, so eliminating that thinking is the first step.

There's no limit to what you can achieve! :)
Jocelyn

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VK2Z10 5/23/2011 10:57AM

    I hear ya. I don't think I'm worth it, since I got those messages all my life from my mother. But, my DH loves me for me and tells me he thinks I am beautiful and sexy. I should believe him, since he is the one that has to deal with me everyday. I am working on it, but it isn't an easy dialouge to change. especially since my mother STILL makes the same negative, disparaging comments to this day! for goodness sakes, i am almost 40 years old.

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CHANGING4ME49 5/23/2011 10:47AM

    AWESOME BLOG!! Thank you for sharing. It definitely hit home. I, too have put everyone else in my life first. For years I have beat myself up over being grossly fat and have never thought for a single day that I was worth anything. And it certainly doesn't help when everyone around you including family also feels your not worth it either. My internal monologue was brutal and abusive just like yours was. I am now learning at age 52 that I am too worth it. Worth taking care, worth loving, worth respecting, worth my needs, wants and desires. I am slowly breaking out of a self-imposed shell, that has hurt me and held me down for too long, one pound at a time. And it's feeling good! Congratulations on your new mindset. Empowering oneself is an awesome thing! You go girl!!

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BIJOUBIJOU81 5/23/2011 12:24AM

  After a long recovery from a c-section with complications, I had to get out of the serious slump in which I found myself. This is one of the first steps I took! It is AMAZING what a good haircut can do for your self-esteem. Something else I have been doing lately is remembering that jewelry can be an everyday accessory. It's surprising how these little touches can make such a difference.

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BUBU54 5/22/2011 11:33PM

    Very well said. I get my hair done every five weeks. I call it my "Vanity Check" because I am worth it. I also get the wax, wax, wax done as needed. I put everyone else first when I was younger, and I paid the price. Now I schedule time for me and remind myself that I will not feel guilty for my "me time" as everyone else does eventually benefit from a much happier, better feeling wife, mom, grandmother, friend, co-worker, and other entities of me. Thank you for a wonderful blog. It has uplifted my day.

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ECHOBLUE1 5/22/2011 10:45PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TANYAP71 5/22/2011 9:13PM

    That was awesome! When I got serious last fall I treated myself to ALL the things on your list - cut, color, wax, wax, and more wax, and makeup. And I didn't stop there. I got my nails done (fingers and toes) and I bought clothes that *fit*. I do not care that they are too big now. I wasn't going to do what needed to be done if I didn't feel beautiful while doing it. I continue to reward myself along the way. I'm loving the journey.

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AWYTAS 5/22/2011 6:25PM

    Thank you!!! I have gone 2 years - YES 2 YEARS without a haircut and color (btw my youngest son is 2). I always put it last on my list because I put others first and often think does it really matter? - So thank you- my shower drain thanks you. Plus I will probably lose weight just from all the hair they will cut off.

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GRAMMAALI 5/22/2011 4:58PM

    Thanks! that was great!
emoticon

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JDFAN448HS 5/22/2011 4:48PM

    emoticon emoticon and AMEN!!! Why didn't I think of that?! hehe Should be good for about a 20# loss right of the bat. TY. Enjoy that wedding, the catalyst for your revelation. Cheers emoticon emoticon

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LIFEINMOTION 5/22/2011 3:57PM

    wow. this hit me on a pretty powerful level. i am guilty as charged of all the sins you mentioned, is just don't like to think about it. thank you for your words. it's time to make some changes!

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FLPALM 5/22/2011 3:24PM

    GREAT BLOG!!!!

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HONEYBEEBUZ 5/22/2011 2:49PM

    LOL I LOVEed your Blog.... It is so great that you have come around and said you really care about yourself. Great For you!

Big Giant Hugs.

Sparkle On,
Debbie

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SPECIALGURL7 5/22/2011 2:17PM

    Thanks for reminding me that I am worth it. There are days when I feel down about myself and my goals, but I have learned that I can't do that to me. There are some things I do want to do for myself, but I have just got to do it. Thanks again.

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COYOTESPEAKS 5/22/2011 11:46AM

  I'm guilty of a lot of lack of care. I don't wear makeup everyday - but I should start. I used to not even shower every day or do laundry regularly (yikes!) I should be worth better clothes, better shoes, a bloody haircut. I should be worth all of these things.

You, fellow Sparker, have inspired me!

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MJREIMERS 5/22/2011 11:17AM

    Thank you for your honesty, I'm sure many of us have felt that way. (Hopefully, everyone is getting past those feelings.) All people need to feel good and have meaning in their lives, despite what others think or the scale may say. Size doesn't make us who we are; we do. Volunteer, take a walk, talk to a friend, get your hair done, etc. we all need to do something that makes US feel better about US! Thanks again for a blog that all people can relate to.

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SMILEYBEE 5/22/2011 10:24AM

    Hooray for you! emoticon

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JMUCKINHOUPT 5/22/2011 9:58AM

    Thank you for posting this. I am dealing with lack of self-awareness right now and being my own worst enemy. Like you, it stops today. I need to be a friend to myself as you are doing. Great post... thanks again.

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BETHJRN 5/22/2011 9:33AM

    GO FOR IT! Your blog brought me to tears! You've echoed so many of my own inner conversations, and I'M SICK OF IT! I am strong, I am wicked smart, i am hard-working, I have a great sense of humor. I am a fantastic nurse, I'm a super grandmother, a wonderful mother, a darn good wife (well, most of the time, anyway!) I am generous, caring, a good listener. I'm supportive of my friends. I'm kind to animals. Oh, and by the way, I'm fat! I'm working on that one, but some perspective, please!

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SWEETMAGNOLIA2 5/22/2011 5:44AM

    Your blog hit some deep chords in my heart. And made me chuckle, too. Thanks on both counts.

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WADHA1973 5/22/2011 3:09AM

  thanx

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HENABELLE 5/22/2011 1:05AM

    emoticon

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MAREANNIE 5/22/2011 12:38AM

    Yes, YOU ARE worth it. emoticon

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DIANITAH 5/22/2011 12:33AM

    Wooooooooooo! Girl, are you reading my f-ing mind? lol I saw your post about thanking the others and had to come check this out. You are awesome!

I just bought a new form fitting outfit for my new size 18/20 butt (top and bottom you know). Down from a freaking 30! I was chosen Favorite Teacher and speaking at graduation this week. I realize if my students think I'm great, why don't I?

P.S. Got a rockin' haircut and dye job too. Went back to my childhood ginger! Still got to do the brows.

Loved your other posts. I'm adding you as a friend!

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JENNISTAR37 5/21/2011 11:21PM

    This is EXACTLY what I've been thinking this week! Tomorrow I am going clothes shopping for trendy, age-appropriate clothing, instead of wearing the same two pairs of pants that I stole from my mom's fat clothes box. There is a pile of "skinny clothes" on my floor waiting to be worn, but why do I have to fit into them to feel pretty? I'm done with waiting to REWARD myself with mani/pedis and cute haircuts. Screw rewards! I'm never going to lose weight if I don't believe that I am worth it, whether I am at this weight or my "goal" weight!

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NANCYE43 5/21/2011 10:41PM

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're worth it, I'm worth it, we're all worth it!

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BORN2BMORE 5/21/2011 8:46PM

    I am so with you sista!

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LOVESWEETS2 5/21/2011 5:01PM

    Hello... I would like to know, how did you climb inside this mind of mine. You said just about what I have thought. That's right!!! take it back. Go look in the mirror. you are important!! you can do anything for yourself. you are beautiful. don't listen to that ugly person inside. You have the ability to become everything you want and more. when you start hearing negative thoughts, just pluck them out. You go and get that special hair cut & color then you walk talk because you deserve to be treated like a queen. the other stuff will follow............. you have what it takes. I want to know how the wedding turned out. throw your head back and go have some fun..... emoticon

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WASSERNIXE 5/21/2011 4:57PM

    Awesome blog post!

I too am trying to learn to love myself. It's hard!

But I am so worth taking the effort to spend time on myself, instead of just throwing on the only the clothes that fit anymore and not bothering with my appearance.

:)

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MBOYDMICHELE 5/21/2011 4:05PM

    This post was amazing. It's like you describing me with the no longer will I. Thank you very much. I hope I start to feel the way you now feel. I am worth it! emoticon

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KIKI601 5/21/2011 2:40PM

  Wow! This was a great blog that probally alot of people on here can relate to. I am always asking my husband do I look fat in this or does this make me look to fat? Then I get paranoid and think everybodys thing why is that fat girl wearing that. I started gaining most of my weight around 1996 also. It took me up to a couple of years ago to realize enough is enough. I wish you good luck on your journey. Thank you for sharing your blog, and always take care and love yourself first.

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KTLUVSLADYBUGS 5/21/2011 1:57PM

    I love this. Thank you for writing this. It's funny, I didn't realize it until now, but the things I say to myself in private...who am I kidding even out loud in front of other people. I would be hurt and angry if someone else said them to me.

We all should be much more kind and gentle to ourselvs. Mean is clearly not working, otherwise none of us would be here.

I look at other women I know, who are overweight, who do not put things like haircuts, makeup and nice clothes lastly. I always wonder why, and it occurs to me that they all have better self esteem than I do. I think you are right. We are all worth making ourselvs feel good.
For my birthday last year, my sister got me my first pedicure. I never did something like that for myself before. I never thought that it was important to do these things. I will tell you I felt like a million bucks!

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ONEDROP09 5/21/2011 12:40PM

    I love your blog. I said the same thing to myself April 2010. I've gotten the coutoure cuts and color for over a year now. Yes every 7 weeks I'm back (and Brien pours me a glass of wine hehe). And they do appointments! What an interesting concept...Supercuts. Have fun, you deserve it.

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SPARKIE142 5/21/2011 12:22PM

  This is the first time I've commented on a blog post but just have to...wonderful sentiment and wonderful writing! Yes, you are totally worth your own time, money, energy, care and attention!

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LAURETTA1966 5/21/2011 12:02PM

    I love your blog, it so true we are our own worst enemies when it comes to negative self talk. Myself included and have also been working on the emotional side and working to turn my talk to be more positive. And yes we are all worth it

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LIZZIELOU52 5/21/2011 11:22AM

  beautiful!!! i am of a certain age...55. like many women i have gained weight and noticed many changes. Thanks to you I am working on forgetting the black outfits. I will stay blond forever. the most important thing i think is to find an excerise you love and pursue it. enjoy. life is short. emoticon

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