Thursday, September 25, 2014
I had a rough sleep. DH is away hunting and this was my first night alone in this house. I get scared over nothing, my fears are totally irrational. In this town of 800 or less people there really isn't much going on; It's the silence that I'm still adjusting to. I'm not even sure if I was sleeping or just coming in and out of conciousness.
I'm awake now.
I took a walk just like I hoped I would. Today I walked for a total of 37 minutes - that beats my yesterday walk! And today I found myself getting a little out of breath, my face is flushed and there's beads of sweat in my hair - and it felt GREAT!
As an avid birdwatcher, I feel as though the universe gave me a little treat for getting my ass of the couch and out into the streets. I'm lucky to be located close to a bird sanctuary where the birds stop to rest on their migratory journey. Situated right below the migratory flyway. 5 minutes into my walk I could hear birds cackling and honking, I looked up and sure enough their were migratory birds flying into formation and finding their place in line. They weren't moving quickly, they seemed to be having more fun than anything. I smiled hugely and realized that maybe I'm not so different from them. It's a long, arduous journey but it MUST be made. Life depends on it. Some of us make it, some of us don't. I'm going to be one that makes it. It's a neverending cycle. For them and for me. It's not so hard and it's not so far if you just take it one step at a time, one flap of the wings at a time.
I feel good today. I feel like I'm a bird today.
This afternoon I'm going to make some soup, try out a new recipe. Carrot and cauliflower. And I'm going to take another walk this evening. It will probably be short and brisk. I'll be satisfied with 15 minutes, but just maybe I'll push for 20.
Seeing my number on the scale for the first time in a while this morning was hard and upsetting. I'm up to my highest weight. I won't weigh in again for another week. I promise myself. Instead of beating myself up over it, I put on my walking shoes and headed for the door.
I got this.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
It's not much, but I walked.
It wasn't far. 25 minutes. I walked quickly and, sadly, by the time I made it home my face was red and flushed and I felt like I had been moving. Sad because I was remembering a time when I would walk, nearly jogging sometimes, for 2 hours at a time and I'm so far from that now. Oops, I was trying to leave out negative in this one.
I'm celebrating because I got up off of my butt and went for a walk. And tomorrow I will begin my day with having a walk. And I'm going to walk for 30 minutes instead of 25. I'm trying a new approach. I'm not planning my walks in advance like I used to, I'll just plan them one by one and hope to feel encouraged. I'm changing my eating step by step, I'm easing in to it.
I'm not going to stress out about needing to lose 100 and some pounds. I'm just going to decide tonight that I'm going to eat a healthy, nutricious supper, turn off the tv and pick up a book, spend some time learning a new skill/practice, and leave a note for myself on my bathroom mirror as a morning reminder of how much I enjoyed my walk today. I always tell myself I hate being active until I actually move a bit and realize it feels good. Maybe reminding myself is a good start.
Friday, June 13, 2014
What a rollercoaster it's been. Up and down - mostly up (in the weight department, that is).
I started the Alberta Health Care Weight Wise program last Wednesday. I'll meet with a whole team of professionals and try to combat my "morbid obesity". This is the pre-qual program for bariatric surgery. They seem to be pushing me in that direction but I'm adament that I will do this without surgery. I gained the weight on my own, I need to lose it on my own. This is just what's right for me. My sister had bariatric surgery a couple years ago, she looks incredible and feels good, for the most part, but I don't like the idea of surgery and it's just not an option for me.
I met with the program coordinator (nurse) and she took a bunch of information from me, family history and my own track record. I meet with a dietician next Friday. I'm tasked with logging all my food and counting all my steps. So I've been tracking food religiously since last Wednesday and I'm trying to stay under my alloted calories. So far, so good! I think I've got it this time! I really will do well this time around and I'm starting to find joy again in cooking and planning all our meals. That's an element I was missing all the other times before, and this week I'm down over 5 lbs! I know this time will be better. It feels right, it feels good. I'm proud of myself (and my boyfriend, as he's staying on track too and he's really making a solid effort - supporting me every step of the way) and I'm excited that I finally am using some techniques that work for me. No more rewarding my good choices with delicious, processed treats.
This time food is my medicine. In .7 lbs I will be UNDER 300 lbs! That is a very strange thing to be excited about, I guess, but I haven't seen the 290's in a very long time and I'm welcoming those numbers on my scale. I have flashbacks sometimes of that one time I managed to get under 250 and how amazing I felt and how in awe of myself I was. Soon that will be me.
Now if I could just get motivated to be up and moving. I'm so sedentary it's actually disgusting. Since leaving my job to operate my business from home, I barely walk at all. That's next to tackle on my list, and while my lazy lifestyle disgusts me I will take some joy in the fact that I'm able to control my food for now. It will only get better. The first week is the toughest, no?
Monday, February 10, 2014
Last time I came here was in July. How did I fall so hard this time?
But of course, I'm getting back up and starting over. And of course I'm heavier than I was the last time I had to start over again, by 2.2 lbs. Well the truth is, it could be a lot worse and my motivation is coming around finally.
Looking back, I was doing so good when I was able to get to the pool regularly. I stopped doing well when I injured my shoulder and had to take some time off from that. I didn't replace the pool workouts with anything at all. BIG mistake! Will try to learn from that one, for sure. I've been trying to get back into the pool but it seems I never time it right. Then I put it off for so long and ended up getting very ill in the fall with a serious blood infection and I found out there is a problem with my heart. I was told to avoid a lot of activity and really the only exercise I should be doing is brisk walking which I don't enjoy doing in my crime ridden neighbourhood. My heart problem has not been figured out yet and I have to be careful to avoid fainting. I'm going to return to swimming this week though and just make sure I don't overdo it.
My life is very different even from just 6 months ago when I was last coming around. I decided to leave my job and fulfill my passions of making and decorating elaborate cakes. I just left my job a week ago so it's still very new. We are just months away from potentially buying and moving in to our dream home - a log cabin, off the grid and on a small farm. If all goes as planned this will happen in May/June of this year. Life will be so different and it will require a lot of physical energy from me. I have a new motivation and that's it. I need to get into some seriously better shape to make farm living work. I can't wait, it gets me so excited and I'm going to try to use that to my advantage.
A good thing about leaving my job is that I can finally start taking the medication I've neglected to take for the last 2 years. I am supposed to be on Metformin for my insulin resistance (due to PCOS but, let's face it, I'm obese and I can't blame it all on PCOS) but it makes me so incredibly ill. I wasn't able to take it because the illness isn't conducive to working in an office, but now I can finally take a couple weeks to feel like crap and get used to the pills. I took my first dose last night and today I am feeling absolutely terrible. Running to the bathroom every few minutes, so nauseated I can barely even sip water. It's brutal, I don't know why it hits me so hard. Well it's hard to swallow when you feel like your poisoning yourself but I know if I can just get through the first few weeks, I will be thankful I did. Last time I was on Metformin it really helped me with my sweet cravings (I'm an addict) and I was feeling like my body was working right for the first time. I will keep taking it, no matter how ill I get. It's temporary.
This is a novel. Just trying to get back into the routine of being a member of this community. I feel like I'm at the right time and place to make these changes. I'm sorry I've missed all my friends here, hope you've been doing great and I'll spend the next week catching up on where your at. Hoping to connect and reconnect with you all.
I just can't do it alone, but I can do it with you all beside me. Hope you all have been doing your best!
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