JEMLOVA29   1,814
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JEMLOVA29's Recent Blog Entries

Feeling Good

Friday, June 13, 2014

What a rollercoaster it's been. Up and down - mostly up (in the weight department, that is).

I started the Alberta Health Care Weight Wise program last Wednesday. I'll meet with a whole team of professionals and try to combat my "morbid obesity". This is the pre-qual program for bariatric surgery. They seem to be pushing me in that direction but I'm adament that I will do this without surgery. I gained the weight on my own, I need to lose it on my own. This is just what's right for me. My sister had bariatric surgery a couple years ago, she looks incredible and feels good, for the most part, but I don't like the idea of surgery and it's just not an option for me.

I met with the program coordinator (nurse) and she took a bunch of information from me, family history and my own track record. I meet with a dietician next Friday. I'm tasked with logging all my food and counting all my steps. So I've been tracking food religiously since last Wednesday and I'm trying to stay under my alloted calories. So far, so good! I think I've got it this time! I really will do well this time around and I'm starting to find joy again in cooking and planning all our meals. That's an element I was missing all the other times before, and this week I'm down over 5 lbs! I know this time will be better. It feels right, it feels good. I'm proud of myself (and my boyfriend, as he's staying on track too and he's really making a solid effort - supporting me every step of the way) and I'm excited that I finally am using some techniques that work for me. No more rewarding my good choices with delicious, processed treats.

This time food is my medicine. In .7 lbs I will be UNDER 300 lbs! That is a very strange thing to be excited about, I guess, but I haven't seen the 290's in a very long time and I'm welcoming those numbers on my scale. I have flashbacks sometimes of that one time I managed to get under 250 and how amazing I felt and how in awe of myself I was. Soon that will be me.

Now if I could just get motivated to be up and moving. I'm so sedentary it's actually disgusting. Since leaving my job to operate my business from home, I barely walk at all. That's next to tackle on my list, and while my lazy lifestyle disgusts me I will take some joy in the fact that I'm able to control my food for now. It will only get better. The first week is the toughest, no?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNIERUN 6/13/2014 5:33PM

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DANALMILLAN 6/13/2014 4:39PM

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MINEA999 6/13/2014 4:32PM

    Every week is tough! But you have to take it on one issue at a time. So this week, feel good in just concentrating on your food - sounds like you're getting a hold of things again and finding what works for you. I agree with you about trying to do it on your own first and foremost before you really consider surgery.

After you get some good food habits down, then you can start adding in some good exercise habits. It's not a light switch you can just turn on and have it all working at once! Boy do I wish it was though, haha.

I know what you mean about getting under 300. I've done it a couple of times (hopefully the last time was the LAST time) - it's a big milestone and I can't wait to see you get there.

Keep it up!

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Wow - I did it again

Monday, February 10, 2014

Last time I came here was in July. How did I fall so hard this time?

But of course, I'm getting back up and starting over. And of course I'm heavier than I was the last time I had to start over again, by 2.2 lbs. Well the truth is, it could be a lot worse and my motivation is coming around finally.

Looking back, I was doing so good when I was able to get to the pool regularly. I stopped doing well when I injured my shoulder and had to take some time off from that. I didn't replace the pool workouts with anything at all. BIG mistake! Will try to learn from that one, for sure. I've been trying to get back into the pool but it seems I never time it right. Then I put it off for so long and ended up getting very ill in the fall with a serious blood infection and I found out there is a problem with my heart. I was told to avoid a lot of activity and really the only exercise I should be doing is brisk walking which I don't enjoy doing in my crime ridden neighbourhood. My heart problem has not been figured out yet and I have to be careful to avoid fainting. I'm going to return to swimming this week though and just make sure I don't overdo it.

My life is very different even from just 6 months ago when I was last coming around. I decided to leave my job and fulfill my passions of making and decorating elaborate cakes. I just left my job a week ago so it's still very new. We are just months away from potentially buying and moving in to our dream home - a log cabin, off the grid and on a small farm. If all goes as planned this will happen in May/June of this year. Life will be so different and it will require a lot of physical energy from me. I have a new motivation and that's it. I need to get into some seriously better shape to make farm living work. I can't wait, it gets me so excited and I'm going to try to use that to my advantage.

A good thing about leaving my job is that I can finally start taking the medication I've neglected to take for the last 2 years. I am supposed to be on Metformin for my insulin resistance (due to PCOS but, let's face it, I'm obese and I can't blame it all on PCOS) but it makes me so incredibly ill. I wasn't able to take it because the illness isn't conducive to working in an office, but now I can finally take a couple weeks to feel like crap and get used to the pills. I took my first dose last night and today I am feeling absolutely terrible. Running to the bathroom every few minutes, so nauseated I can barely even sip water. It's brutal, I don't know why it hits me so hard. Well it's hard to swallow when you feel like your poisoning yourself but I know if I can just get through the first few weeks, I will be thankful I did. Last time I was on Metformin it really helped me with my sweet cravings (I'm an addict) and I was feeling like my body was working right for the first time. I will keep taking it, no matter how ill I get. It's temporary.

This is a novel. Just trying to get back into the routine of being a member of this community. I feel like I'm at the right time and place to make these changes. I'm sorry I've missed all my friends here, hope you've been doing great and I'll spend the next week catching up on where your at. Hoping to connect and reconnect with you all.

I just can't do it alone, but I can do it with you all beside me. Hope you all have been doing your best!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEMLOVA29 4/9/2014 7:02PM

    Again I quit. I'm back and will catch up with you ladies in the next few days. I have to get my buns to the pool immediately so I don't get distracted again!

I think I'm at rock bottom right now - can only go up from here, right?

Amber, off the grid I won't have conventional internet service but I think the location we've scoped out has decent cell service so I can always get on through my phone :)

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AMBERLICIOUS88 2/12/2014 2:23PM

    Good to see you come back! I'm friending you..lol! BTW, by "off the grid" I assume there is no internet to spark? lol

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MINEA999 2/12/2014 1:43PM

    Welcome back! It sounds like you're in for some great big changes. How exciting!

Now is a great time to get on the right track to fit and healthy so you can do all that farm work.

I'm so glad you've returned!!

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WALKINGITOFFNOW 2/11/2014 12:08AM

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GGJUNEBUG 2/10/2014 5:43PM

    Glad to have you back in our sparkpeople and blogging again. Hope all goes well with buying your log cabin this summer. It sounds exciting! Keep up the good work with the swimming!

Have a good week.


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Junie
100+ Pounds Team
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WIFE48 2/10/2014 1:56PM

    emoticon We are all here to help each other become healthy and fit.

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It's All Me

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

This seems to be my routine... I need to break the cycle. I begin. I do great. I let something get in the way (a birthday meal/an injury/an illness/a lack of time/whatever excuse you can think of) and then I fall off the wagon and hit the concrete harder than I did the last time and end up so bruised from the fall by gaining even more weight than I lost the last go-around. Then it takes so much to pull myself back up. It doesn't matter what words of encouragement are offered to me, or what brilliant ideas I can come up with to make this time successful; It's all ME. I guess when it comes to weight loss I am very stubborn. Say what you want, but if I don't just change my ways and suck it up and DO IT, it will just never get done.

I've been trying to get back on this path and I haven't even made it through a single day each time I begin again. This is for no other reason than the fact that I am lazy and I enjoy food oh so much. Those things will always be true about me - hopefully not so much the lazy part, but it seems right now they really are facts.

What am I going to do? Just keep getting fatter? Lazier? Adding more health problems and concerns to my daily worries? Buy bigger clothes...again? I am killing myself. This is the longest form of suicide I have ever witnessed I think. I need to do this for no one but me. I will say this... this is the last time I begin again. It may not be true but I don't know that for sure yet and I'm trying to get my confidence and self esteem and motivation back to where it should be so with that... today I begin again for the last time. I'm going to set myself up for success and I am going to try to convert my stubbornness into a tool I can use.

When I get home from work tonight I am going to set up my eliptical trainer and take it for a spin. I bought the eliptical 20 days ago and so far I haven't even put it together. One step at a time. I need to get moving again. This time there will be success.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINEA999 7/23/2013 1:45PM

    Just pick ONE thing you can do this week. And do that every day. It might be spinning for 10 mins or eating a healthy breakfast or just not eating candy (whatever your vice has been). Just do that ONE thing. Don't worry about the rest of it. And when you've got that mastered, do one more thing. You can't just flick a switch and be perfect or you're going to be scraping yourself off the pavement every morning!

You can do this - be consisteny, commit to yourself for one thing, and you'll be off an running!!

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Ok, Let's do this! Seriously!

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Oh man, did I ever fall hard this time. I was doing so excellent. I was so proud of myself and ready to start living life again; That's when I fell down and I just pretended as if I didn't need to pick myself back up and give myself a swift kick in the butt and ask "What are you doing to yourself?!" Well I can't run away (figuratively AND literally lol - too chunky for running) this time. I need to just do it. Life has been very busy, and I have been very lazy.

I haven't been swimming in months, and I haven't even thought about all the nasty junk I've been consuming in just as long. I mean, I do think about it; I just push those thoughts out of my mind as fast as they come barreling in. I guess in all of this I need to realize that as hard as it is, I will never allow myself to stop caring about what's most important. That is ME! My health, my life, my premature death (which I want to avoid).

So with that, I begin again. A fresh start. After work today I am going to buy an eliptical trainer. I desperately need to get back into swimming. I miss feeling weightless and free. That has been my priority for months but sadly there is always something in the way. I'm happy to say that the faults haven't even been my own (for real) as I was very sick with a lung infection and it lasted a while and I couldn't swim until I lost my cough, and the same week that I healed was the time I had to go get some moles removed and now I can't get back into the pool until I'm healed up a bit. That's why I'm getting the eliptical, to get me moving in the meantime. I can't wait to have more energy. I am so exhausted after doing absolutely nothing and I'm packing the pounds on in a big way I think. I'm not sure because I haven't weighed in months. Ugh, not looking forward to getting back on that scale.

This weekend I'm going camping and my first day back will be my first real day of my new life. I have no motivation and the only thing getting me by and pushing me is the fact that I feel like I will be knocking on death's door far too early for my liking. I am miserable. I am going to change. It won't be easy but it just might get easier along the way.

Why is it so hard to start over again? It feels so much harder to get started when you've quit on yourself so many times before. If anyone has any good, motivating, positive vibes in abundance or excess, please send them my way! I am grateful.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANCYPAT1 7/3/2013 7:51PM

    We have all been there - done that - now, I will never have to start over, because I have finally recognized that it is ALL ABOUT CHOICES and we really can NOT QUIT because we keep on MAKING CHOICES and ALL our choices have consequences - For the healthy choices, there are positive consequences, for those unhealthy ones, there are negative consequences. But we DO make choices all the time. That realization and accountability helped me to accept the ups and downs (and boy have there been some doozies) without feeling like a failure who has to start over all the time. Instead, I see myself through a different lens as a HUMAN who doesn't ALWAYS make healthy choices but who is trying to make better ones more and more often. You can do this and you can dust yourself off and move forward with healthier decisions. As someone who "lives in the pool" I can appreciate how hard it is for you not being allowed to swim. It is a great idea to find some alternatives. I am already looking at options for winter when I will not want to get out of the pool and go into the cold with wet hair - gotta plan ahead, doncha know?

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MINEA999 7/3/2013 6:09PM

    Oh honey man have I been there several times before! I know exactly how you're feeling.

But you took the first step - you're back here! Good for you! Picking yourself up is never easy. And the more we do it, the harder it seems to be. This is why I'm determined to just never let go so much that I have to pick myself back up and start all over again. And if you make this commitment to yourself, then you can look at this as the last time that you'll have to do this.
You are totally worth the effort you put into yourself. But don't overdo it all at once. You can't just flip a switch and be perfect, so pick a few things to start on. The exercise is a great one. This week - just make a commitment to get 15 minutes a day or something like that. Then next week, maybe tackle the foods.


Another idea which I never ever thought would work for me is to make a vision board. It was part of the BLC22 challenge and I only did it to get the points at the time. But the process of doing it, of looking through motivating images and sayings actually helped me pinpoint where I want to go, what I'm striving for and working so hard for. My vision board is up in my pics if you want to see it. I ended up posting it in my bedroom and kitchen and it actually has made a difference in keeping me on track. You might give that some thought - never know, it could surprise you like it did me!

Anyway, you can totally do this, I know you can. So get to it! And make sure you're checking in every day to get the motivation and support!!



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GOODLANDGAL3 7/3/2013 6:04PM

  You will find the motivation and inspiration to pick yourself up again. Be patient and it will happen. Do all good and positive things for yourself and it will all fall into place. I was stuck for months and finally something clicked with me and I began to exercise and take notice of how I was eating. I even dropped a few lbs. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Sorry I've been MIA!

Thursday, May 02, 2013

I sure haven't been around here much have I? Well lots is happening over here so I will catch you up!

First, we have been looking for a home and if you read my blogs you probably know that we are putting off buying a house for another year (hopefully just a year). We are living with my mother in law in her basement suite to afford us the ability to save a down payment. Well since it's not going to happen for us yet we decided it wouldn't be fair to my boyfriends mom to stay here for a whole year. When we came here in September our goal to be out was MAY. Well May is here! So we just started looking for decent rentals and on Monday we found the one we want! It was a tough decision because we were offered 3 places. #1 wasn't right for us - easy pass. #2 was this beautiful little tiny condo with an amazing kitchen! You know how I run a business out of my kitchen so it's really hard for me to overlook that lol. #3 is a house - quite old (about 61 years actually), full of amazing giant windows and a HUGE yard with mature trees and room for a gigantic garden! The down side to #3 - the area is quite horrible and there is in fact an actual crack house right across from this house. We weighed the pro's and cons... we thought long and hard and I got a stomach ache from the anxiety lol. I wanted the condo, my manfriend wanted the house. He won. Well we both win, I just find so much joy in a yard. And the weather is finally warming up (knock on wood, it snowed all Monday/Tuesday) so I can just see myself lounging on my deck watching the birds. It all happened so fast, yesterday we picked up the keys and now the work begins. Packing and moving! It's going to be interesting (to say the least) to live in such a neighbourhood but I'm looking at it in this way - it will build character. Haha that's what I keep telling myself. I've only spent a total of 3 hours in the area and I've already seen some very sketchy characters. Oh well, I will keep to myself and not poke the bears. Hopefully they won't mess with me! The worst news was when my friend reminded me that 4 years ago she was stabbed right in her stomach and left on the side of the road when she was getting into her car. They stole her iphone. Yup... stabbed for an iphone. She nearly died. Yikes! Supposedly they've really cleaned up the area (we will find out) with the exception of the crackheads across from me - lucky us lol. We will see how it goes and hope for the best.

So I have been so busy, cakes every weekend, house hunting, now moving. I may not be around so much for the month of May - I'm also planning my big birthday party - turning 30 on May 29 so I'm treating it like a big deal :)

I'm thinking of my spark pals and I hope you are all still doing awesome and hitting your goals. I've not been so good (at all) but in just a few days I will have a full kitchen again and I can't wait to stop eating so much crap! It will be glorious! Let me know how you guys are all doing! You were all kicking some serious ass before I started neglecting my health again so I can't wait to catch up with you guys and hear about the little changes you're noticing!

Keep it up and don't forget me while I'm a little flaky this month!

Here is a pic of me standing in front of the new tiny home :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELOFALLTRADES 5/4/2013 9:52PM

    AWESOME!!! That is GREAT, Jen! It's always so much fun finding a new place, a fresh new start. And I'm totally jealous of the lawn space you have for a possible garden! Our landlord is actually our neighbor and we share a lawn...so it's hard to do anything we want without her poking her nose in our business. Soon we will also be moving into another apartment. Ahhhh can't wait!

I really hope you stay safe! We lived in Phoenix, AZ for about a year...and we were in a ghetto neighborhood...like...let's take our guns out on New Year's Eve just shoot $h#t around everyone's houses for fun! Yup...gotta love those crazies. If I were you...I'd carry a little jack knife in my pocket/purse. Or mase. Mmhmm. Is that legal in Canada? :o)

Speaking of ghetto neighborhoods...We drove to Syracuse yesterday to pick up our 5k shirts and bibs and get registration stuff done...and Mapquest sent us to some "abandoned" houses in the middle of drug town. Ahhh!!! Luckily, we realized we had to be at a major mall and just rerouted.

Sorry I'm still chatting on your blog post but--I need to tell you what's up! I did the 5k today and it was SO MUCH FUN! I've never wanted to actually RUN before this race...oh my gosh paint was flying everywhere (I still can't get it off my skin, out of my hair or out of my nose). I just ran almost straight through. I wish every time I go out for a run there would be people along my route throwing paint at me, haha. I'm going to register for the Zombie Run 5k this fall (Halloween is my FAV). And what's better motivation to run than zombies scaring the crap out of you and chasing you?

Haha...well I hope your move is smooth and you have a wonderful experience! And keep me up to date on what you'll do with the lawn/garden! Miss you!

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ALIALI2013 5/2/2013 10:29PM

    What an adorable house, I'm sure you'll be very happy, esp with the kitchen, I'm so happy for you. I'm doing great, thank you for asking, but like you, extremely busy. I hope you have a wonderful birthday too, 30 is a GREAT birthday, enjoy it to the fullest! emoticon

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LEANIE64 5/2/2013 9:27PM

    Sounds like you have a full plate..literally..Love the house..!! Enjoy the move and before you know it..you will be settled.. emoticon

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MINEA999 5/2/2013 9:26PM

    Congratulations on your tiny home in a sketchy neighbourhood. :) haha

That's fabulous!!! You're going to have your own kitchen and some privacy finally.

Just keep away from the scary people. And in case you're tempted, don't do crack! lol


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