Friday, June 13, 2014
What a rollercoaster it's been. Up and down - mostly up (in the weight department, that is).
I started the Alberta Health Care Weight Wise program last Wednesday. I'll meet with a whole team of professionals and try to combat my "morbid obesity". This is the pre-qual program for bariatric surgery. They seem to be pushing me in that direction but I'm adament that I will do this without surgery. I gained the weight on my own, I need to lose it on my own. This is just what's right for me. My sister had bariatric surgery a couple years ago, she looks incredible and feels good, for the most part, but I don't like the idea of surgery and it's just not an option for me.
I met with the program coordinator (nurse) and she took a bunch of information from me, family history and my own track record. I meet with a dietician next Friday. I'm tasked with logging all my food and counting all my steps. So I've been tracking food religiously since last Wednesday and I'm trying to stay under my alloted calories. So far, so good! I think I've got it this time! I really will do well this time around and I'm starting to find joy again in cooking and planning all our meals. That's an element I was missing all the other times before, and this week I'm down over 5 lbs! I know this time will be better. It feels right, it feels good. I'm proud of myself (and my boyfriend, as he's staying on track too and he's really making a solid effort - supporting me every step of the way) and I'm excited that I finally am using some techniques that work for me. No more rewarding my good choices with delicious, processed treats.
This time food is my medicine. In .7 lbs I will be UNDER 300 lbs! That is a very strange thing to be excited about, I guess, but I haven't seen the 290's in a very long time and I'm welcoming those numbers on my scale. I have flashbacks sometimes of that one time I managed to get under 250 and how amazing I felt and how in awe of myself I was. Soon that will be me.
Now if I could just get motivated to be up and moving. I'm so sedentary it's actually disgusting. Since leaving my job to operate my business from home, I barely walk at all. That's next to tackle on my list, and while my lazy lifestyle disgusts me I will take some joy in the fact that I'm able to control my food for now. It will only get better. The first week is the toughest, no?
Monday, February 10, 2014
Last time I came here was in July. How did I fall so hard this time?
But of course, I'm getting back up and starting over. And of course I'm heavier than I was the last time I had to start over again, by 2.2 lbs. Well the truth is, it could be a lot worse and my motivation is coming around finally.
Looking back, I was doing so good when I was able to get to the pool regularly. I stopped doing well when I injured my shoulder and had to take some time off from that. I didn't replace the pool workouts with anything at all. BIG mistake! Will try to learn from that one, for sure. I've been trying to get back into the pool but it seems I never time it right. Then I put it off for so long and ended up getting very ill in the fall with a serious blood infection and I found out there is a problem with my heart. I was told to avoid a lot of activity and really the only exercise I should be doing is brisk walking which I don't enjoy doing in my crime ridden neighbourhood. My heart problem has not been figured out yet and I have to be careful to avoid fainting. I'm going to return to swimming this week though and just make sure I don't overdo it.
My life is very different even from just 6 months ago when I was last coming around. I decided to leave my job and fulfill my passions of making and decorating elaborate cakes. I just left my job a week ago so it's still very new. We are just months away from potentially buying and moving in to our dream home - a log cabin, off the grid and on a small farm. If all goes as planned this will happen in May/June of this year. Life will be so different and it will require a lot of physical energy from me. I have a new motivation and that's it. I need to get into some seriously better shape to make farm living work. I can't wait, it gets me so excited and I'm going to try to use that to my advantage.
A good thing about leaving my job is that I can finally start taking the medication I've neglected to take for the last 2 years. I am supposed to be on Metformin for my insulin resistance (due to PCOS but, let's face it, I'm obese and I can't blame it all on PCOS) but it makes me so incredibly ill. I wasn't able to take it because the illness isn't conducive to working in an office, but now I can finally take a couple weeks to feel like crap and get used to the pills. I took my first dose last night and today I am feeling absolutely terrible. Running to the bathroom every few minutes, so nauseated I can barely even sip water. It's brutal, I don't know why it hits me so hard. Well it's hard to swallow when you feel like your poisoning yourself but I know if I can just get through the first few weeks, I will be thankful I did. Last time I was on Metformin it really helped me with my sweet cravings (I'm an addict) and I was feeling like my body was working right for the first time. I will keep taking it, no matter how ill I get. It's temporary.
This is a novel. Just trying to get back into the routine of being a member of this community. I feel like I'm at the right time and place to make these changes. I'm sorry I've missed all my friends here, hope you've been doing great and I'll spend the next week catching up on where your at. Hoping to connect and reconnect with you all.
I just can't do it alone, but I can do it with you all beside me. Hope you all have been doing your best!
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Oh man, did I ever fall hard this time. I was doing so excellent. I was so proud of myself and ready to start living life again; That's when I fell down and I just pretended as if I didn't need to pick myself back up and give myself a swift kick in the butt and ask "What are you doing to yourself?!" Well I can't run away (figuratively AND literally lol - too chunky for running) this time. I need to just do it. Life has been very busy, and I have been very lazy.
I haven't been swimming in months, and I haven't even thought about all the nasty junk I've been consuming in just as long. I mean, I do think about it; I just push those thoughts out of my mind as fast as they come barreling in. I guess in all of this I need to realize that as hard as it is, I will never allow myself to stop caring about what's most important. That is ME! My health, my life, my premature death (which I want to avoid).
So with that, I begin again. A fresh start. After work today I am going to buy an eliptical trainer. I desperately need to get back into swimming. I miss feeling weightless and free. That has been my priority for months but sadly there is always something in the way. I'm happy to say that the faults haven't even been my own (for real) as I was very sick with a lung infection and it lasted a while and I couldn't swim until I lost my cough, and the same week that I healed was the time I had to go get some moles removed and now I can't get back into the pool until I'm healed up a bit. That's why I'm getting the eliptical, to get me moving in the meantime. I can't wait to have more energy. I am so exhausted after doing absolutely nothing and I'm packing the pounds on in a big way I think. I'm not sure because I haven't weighed in months. Ugh, not looking forward to getting back on that scale.
This weekend I'm going camping and my first day back will be my first real day of my new life. I have no motivation and the only thing getting me by and pushing me is the fact that I feel like I will be knocking on death's door far too early for my liking. I am miserable. I am going to change. It won't be easy but it just might get easier along the way.
Why is it so hard to start over again? It feels so much harder to get started when you've quit on yourself so many times before. If anyone has any good, motivating, positive vibes in abundance or excess, please send them my way! I am grateful.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
I sure haven't been around here much have I? Well lots is happening over here so I will catch you up!
First, we have been looking for a home and if you read my blogs you probably know that we are putting off buying a house for another year (hopefully just a year). We are living with my mother in law in her basement suite to afford us the ability to save a down payment. Well since it's not going to happen for us yet we decided it wouldn't be fair to my boyfriends mom to stay here for a whole year. When we came here in September our goal to be out was MAY. Well May is here! So we just started looking for decent rentals and on Monday we found the one we want! It was a tough decision because we were offered 3 places. #1 wasn't right for us - easy pass. #2 was this beautiful little tiny condo with an amazing kitchen! You know how I run a business out of my kitchen so it's really hard for me to overlook that lol. #3 is a house - quite old (about 61 years actually), full of amazing giant windows and a HUGE yard with mature trees and room for a gigantic garden! The down side to #3 - the area is quite horrible and there is in fact an actual crack house right across from this house. We weighed the pro's and cons... we thought long and hard and I got a stomach ache from the anxiety lol. I wanted the condo, my manfriend wanted the house. He won. Well we both win, I just find so much joy in a yard. And the weather is finally warming up (knock on wood, it snowed all Monday/Tuesday) so I can just see myself lounging on my deck watching the birds. It all happened so fast, yesterday we picked up the keys and now the work begins. Packing and moving! It's going to be interesting (to say the least) to live in such a neighbourhood but I'm looking at it in this way - it will build character. Haha that's what I keep telling myself. I've only spent a total of 3 hours in the area and I've already seen some very sketchy characters. Oh well, I will keep to myself and not poke the bears. Hopefully they won't mess with me! The worst news was when my friend reminded me that 4 years ago she was stabbed right in her stomach and left on the side of the road when she was getting into her car. They stole her iphone. Yup... stabbed for an iphone. She nearly died. Yikes! Supposedly they've really cleaned up the area (we will find out) with the exception of the crackheads across from me - lucky us lol. We will see how it goes and hope for the best.
So I have been so busy, cakes every weekend, house hunting, now moving. I may not be around so much for the month of May - I'm also planning my big birthday party - turning 30 on May 29 so I'm treating it like a big deal :)
I'm thinking of my spark pals and I hope you are all still doing awesome and hitting your goals. I've not been so good (at all) but in just a few days I will have a full kitchen again and I can't wait to stop eating so much crap! It will be glorious! Let me know how you guys are all doing! You were all kicking some serious ass before I started neglecting my health again so I can't wait to catch up with you guys and hear about the little changes you're noticing!
Keep it up and don't forget me while I'm a little flaky this month!
Here is a pic of me standing in front of the new tiny home :)
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