Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Ahhh this week. Ahhh this month. So much happening. So many dates of significance. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
I'm frustrated with myself because I set a goal to exercise daily and I am not doing it. I don't have an excuse (reasons are just excuses, as I say). I walked on the epic fail manual treadmill for all of 5 minutes yesterday. I did get a 5 miler in on Sunday, and I am really hoping to get the same distance in today. It would not be bad to log 15 miles for the week. Right? I am exercising, but I think I set myself up for something for many good reasons...but I keep hesitating. Maybe I am too complacent, too comfortable...because I know I burn a lot of calories when I run. So much to think about.
The weekend is going to be pure insanity, and I don't know where I will fit in my run. I will likely have to put it off until Monday. I could possibly squeeze it in on Sunday since my parents would be there to look after the kids. We shall see.
I'm doing well on my journaling, but I have a quandry. I'm not training for anything right now, so my mindset is not on the formula (100 cals extra for every mile, divided by 7, then add to my range for tracking each day). Maybe it should be. I set my fitness to only show cardio 3 days a week (which would be my running). It is not set for how many calories I burn. The range is the lowest I have had while being on SP and I might sound like a whiny kid...but dang does it seem low. I feel hungry all of the time. I am eating my snacks in between. Maybe it is an emotional thing since this month is filled with so many things that can put me there. I just don't know. My stomach is growling though...so it is not just craving or boredom. I am far from bored. Ha!
Today's anniversary (my late MIL's birthday) is easier than last year. Last year was the first of her birthday's in Heaven and that was hard. Today, I am happy for her. I feel more peaceful about the day and about her being in a better place. No longer struggling with her addictions and anxiety. I don't feel her restlessness is with her. And I see my FIL doing okay. I worry about him. His health is not so great. And he has a gorgeous treadmill and doesn't use it. Oh the blasphemy!
I've been looking at lighter options for Turkey day festivities. So many things I would enjoy, but that my parents would snub. Ugh. I plan to lighten up things as much as I can. It will be a busy day with my DH doing the Turkey Trot, and then cooking everything up.
I have not begun to Christmas shop. Thankfully I just have to do the kids (we only keep to 3 gifts per person so that Santa can give to other kids too), and my nephews. I bake for the adults.
This is the time where there are not enough hours in the day!
Thursday, November 05, 2009
I have a lot of things on my brain. If you read it, then God Bless You. It is more for me to get things out there and maybe it will cause me to further think some of these things through...and maybe not at all.
This month is always a rollercoaster for me. Of all the months on the calendar...this is the one with flashing lights around it. A week from now, my firstborn will be 17 years old. But it's a touchy subject. I chose life for her, and I chose a family for her. I was just 18 years old. My boyfriend (who was younger than me) had dumped me because he had his own fears. I knew what was best for her. And that is what it was all about. Her. It hurt like hell. I schlepped around in sweats for months. I actually lost a lot of weight after I had her (I was losing weight in an unhealthy way before I got pregnant and I swear she was God's answer to make me stop the downward spiral). You would think with all the calamity that led up to her birth...that I would take that as a sign not to give her up. Going through 3 lawyers, the adoptive couple being resistant to a few (and really simple) requests. I'm giving you my flesh and blood, and you can't meet me? I don't want visitation, but you can't send pictures? I could have backed out and chose other families who were flexible...all for the opportunity to welcome a brand new, healthy baby girl into their life. But I resisted because I was frankly worn out and I wanted to trust in them, even with their own crazy fears (I'd say they are crazy considering how little I was really asking of them...it wasn't the 40s, or 50s, or 60s...c'mon now). But anyhow...her birth, and giving her up...it immediately thrust me into a place where my focus changed. I did not want her to one day come back, on her own account, to find me tattered and standing still. I went to college and got my degree. I got married...and just prayed that I would be able to have more kids. I had no idea what I would go through having my first son...all the feelings and fears...but my heart hurt and I hoped that I could have a family.
My kids know all about her. I have showed them pictures. I have every intention of sending a gift to her just after her 18th birthday next year...but I am still torn and stricken with what to say, and what not to say (quietly hoping that one day she will want to meet me (and I will never be ready for it but would absolutely want it) and I wouldn't want to say everything as if it is the end).
On top of this...it's post marathon. The letdown. As if I need to have any other heart heavy feelings! I can see why there are marathon maniacs out there. You train up for that distance...why on earth would you want to 'lose' it and have to retrain? It would be so simple just to keep running one a month...or every other month...and everything in between is gravy. And then the internal dialogue of 'do you want to go 26.2, or is 13.1 enough?' Gah. So much to ponder. I'd love to do a sub 30 minute 5k. I'm ready to work on my speed. And I know I trained smart for the marathon and avoided injury b/c speed was not my focus...so I waffle between wanting to just focus on speed and not distance because you know the cliche'...can't have your cake and eat it too. Decisions, decisions.
I'm liking the restart of my weight loss. It would be great to hit my goal by New Year's. I would be floored to be so small (in my eyes, it is!). I will appreciate any progress and not worry about the 'number'. I'll forever Spark in some way to ensure that all this hard work of 2009 is permanent. My thinking has definitely changed. It isn't just 'oh yeah I'll lose weight and then I'm done'. You are never done. Never. And if you allow yourself to believe it then you'll be at square one in no time flat.
A lot of thought in just one blog, but it felt good to get it out.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
My mom sent this to me and I appreciated it...so I am posting it here:
Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him..
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you..
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with Friends and grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
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