JEANNIE1238   24,841
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Better days are on the way.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

I keep working on my affirmations, they really have been working. I received the cord that I needed for my PS2. Yeah today is going to be a gaming day. I haven't done that in a while. I'm pretty excited about my day. Sometimes you just have to take the day and play a game where you can go around killing the bad guys. Boulder's Gate, love the game.

Every time he pops in my head I change my thought and think of a better future ahead of me. Springs here and when it's warm enough I'm grabbing a small trash bag and going to pick up some litter as I go for my walks. I do need to buy some rubber gloves first. Yuck. I do know that picking up litter always makes me feel better. I'm helping Mother Nature out. She doesn't deserve to be trashed on.

I keep telling myself I'll get better and I know I will it's just taking it's time. When you love someone so much and give them all you have and get nothing back in return, except a broken heart it's hard to think past that. I do try and will keep working on it. I keep telling myself I'm working on making my life better and no one can take that from me.

Since last summer I've lost 30 lbs. and my goal is to get under 200 by this summer and I know I will. I also know I shouldn't have, but I did fill out some stuff on E-Harmony. It did get him out of my head and see what is out there. Gives me hope for the future. But no dating until I no longer think of him. I'm not going to do the rebound thing, not fair for either person involved.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TALULAX- 4/12/2014 10:08PM

    I am glad to hear that things are improving. I know it's hard but you are moving in such a positive direction right now. Focusing on you, your goals and your healing is wonderful! You are such a thoughtful and kind person you will find the ones that is right for you in due time...for now you are doing something so right for yourself!

Hope your game day was fun!!! emoticon emoticon

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Broken hearted and confused.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The divorce was finalized in February. I started to hang out with my ex-husband, because he had quit drinking. We started out as just friends, but then ended up dating. In the beginning of March he started to drink again. This time I had a better understanding of alcoholism and wanted to stay by his side. But last week he decided that if he didn't want to talk to me he wasn't going to answer the phone. His drinking became ugly again. I tried really hard to help him. I read the twelve steps, would send him affirmations, and links to sites that help with alcoholism. I would give him advice from the sites that I read and he ignored it all. I really truly love this guy, but I broke it off after he choose to drink instead of talk to me to get through his craving.
He stopped answering the phone, wouldn't answer my on-line messages, and out right ignored me. And I really needed his help I had to get the merina in because my body makes to much estrogen. I was scared and he said he would come over and help take my mind of things the day before. I realized that he hadn't changed. He didn't care about my needs as long as I helped him with his. I know I deserve better, but I still can't get him and how he treated me out of my head. I broke it up on the 5th of this month and I know hearts don't mend in a few days, but I wish they did.
I have a pile of affirmation that I read through at least three times a day. I go walk around the building and have set up an appointment with my therapist, which who I just stopped seeing because I was doing really good up until now.
This time I'm going to focus on me more and my spirituality. I have been out walking and with the snow melting and days warmers it's going to be easier for me to get out more and walk. I just have to wait until the cramps from the merina stop. They have been on the pain scale between 6 and 8. I'm hoping this doesn't work so that I've done everything the doctors wanted me to and I can have my hysterectomy like I want. I don't want kids with my health issues and I don't want to chance getting pregnant. Not that I'm seeing anyone anytime soon. Won't even think of dating until I my mind has been ex free for at least 8 or 9 months. I wouldn't get involved with someone when I'm thinking of someone else. I'm not that type of person. I have deleted anyway that I can get in contact with my ex. Deleted him of my caller id, white-out his phone number from my list, and removed him from all social networks. I do get nervous that he might try and contact me. I'm not giving him another chance. I'm done getting hurt and being taking advantage of.
With all of this negative stuff going on I have gone down to 202 since 232 this summer. Big improvement. As soon as I'm not cramping any more I'm going to be doing more socializing and focusing on getting my apartment to how I want it to look like. That's going to take me a while, but it will be worth it in the end.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANNIE1238 4/10/2014 9:08PM

    Thank you emoticon

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TALULAX- 4/10/2014 8:14PM

    emoticon I am so sorry you are in so much pain both physically and emotionally. It is hard to love someone who cannot and will not love themselves. You gave it a great try, but I am so glad you are seeing that sometimes the people you love can also bring great hurt and damage you do not need. You have a great plan in place to work on healing- good for you! If you need anyone to talk to or even vent to...I am here! emoticon Sending you some calming energy your way. You are in my thoughts!!!

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JEANNIE1238 4/10/2014 7:53PM

    Thank you,MTNMOM5. That means a lot coming from someone who has been in my shoes. emoticon

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MTNMOM5 4/10/2014 6:51PM

    Hang in there! From someone who has been in your shoes, it does get easier once the decision is made to end the relationship. Being on the fence and back and forth is so much harder.

My ex died of a massive heart attack from his drinking and I have been married now for 22 years to a wonderful man. It does get better just give it time....


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Things have been yo-yoing a lot.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

This last month I was going to file for the divorce, but had to put it off to take care of my health.So far this month I had a hysterosonogram with a biopsy and found out I have endometrial hyperplasia without cancer. Great, but then after reading my through my family history and having an aunt that had uterine cancer they decided to that I need a D and C. I'm getting that done on Wednesday. I'm a little scared, but I'll have my older sister with me. This will be the deciding point on whether or not I get a hysterectomy. I really would prefer to get the hysterectomy then take a progestrone and get a biopsy (that could be wrong) ever 3 or 6 months. I understand why I have to get the D and C, but I think it should be my choice on what happens to my body. For the D and C, I've been taking off my celebrex and have been in a ton of pain the last few days. My younger brother is living with me and he is no help. I asked him the day I had to stop taking the celebrex to clean up after himself and help pitch in buy the things that we both use. No luck there. Not at all happy with him. I love my niece, but if he thinks I'm going to be watching her Wednesday or the few days after that I'm still recovering he better think again.

Next month will be the month I file for divorce. I actually can't wait to get that out of the way. I'm looking for a new apartment, but it's hard to find something in my budget. I applied for help from H.U.D., but that takes awhile. I hope not to long. I can't stand this duplex anymore. It was suppose to be our first home together and he didn't care for it like he was suppose to. I keep finding things wrong with it that I didn't notice before or he didn't tell me about. Before we got it he promised he would keep up with the place and fix what needed to be done. Nope, drinking behind my back was more important. Now I see this place as a dungeon and I can't get out of it. I don't use hate often, but I really do hate this place.

Sorry about the venting. I just had to get that off my chest. On the other hand, I'm doing fairly well with the lost of Joe-Leen. Chloe, my other cat has been doing her best to step up to the plate. She learned what she needed from Joe-Leen, but still her playful little self. I don't think I could have made it through everything without her. It's incredible how the smallest creature can be the strongest rock to hold on to. Her and my family. Thanks to all of you for being so supportive. It really helps.

Jeannie emoticon



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIETER27 8/28/2013 2:19PM

  Thanks for sharing hope things go better for you.

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CANADIANFROG09 8/27/2013 7:46AM

    Hope all goes well for you from this point on! emoticon

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ELRIDDICK 8/27/2013 6:59AM

  Thanks for sharing

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The love of my life is gone.

Monday, July 15, 2013

I put Joe-Leen down last Monday. I've been having my ups and downs since. I never thought that something so small could cause such a big hole in my heart. I wrote a poem for my sweet cat.

Joe-Leen
Best friend
Truest companion
Devoted to her family
Peacemaker amongst cats
Comforter of broken hearts
Heart of gold
Chest warmer at night
Food snatcher
Taste tester
Bottle water fanatic
Follower of human mommy
Greeter of pizza delivery person
Demanding and opinionated
Emerald green eyes that spoke,
louder then her meows.
My little Chubbers always.

I raised Joe-Leen since she was 4 weeks old and 14 years later we've come to an end. But I'll never forget her facial expressions.



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TALULAX- 8/26/2013 4:00PM

    emoticon I enjoyed your lovely poem. Thank you so much for sharing! I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a furbaby. emoticon

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MOTHEPRO 7/16/2013 11:47AM

    emoticon

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TERRIJ7 7/16/2013 11:15AM

    Those special, sweet pets sure leave an empty spot. I hope you find comfort after your loss.

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REMEMBER2BME 7/16/2013 10:05AM

    I lost my BFF (golden retriever) 2 years ago last may. I try to simply be grateful for having her in my life though my most difficult times. HUGS to you.

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LOPEYP 7/16/2013 8:27AM

    Beautiful cat. So tough to lose a furry baby. Take care.

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JEANNIE1238 7/16/2013 7:14AM

    Thanks again everyone for the support.

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ADEWYN 7/16/2013 6:01AM

    aww so sorry :( our pets are our children too... my birds are getting older and funnier and I know one day this to will happen... cry and cry but I know you will never forget :) hugs and love my friend be gentle to yourself

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PRETTYDUNN 7/16/2013 5:51AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Pets are family and enrich our lives in so many ways. emoticon

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PAMNANGEL 7/16/2013 3:13AM

    emoticon

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BECKYSFRIEND 7/15/2013 9:25PM

    So sorry for your loss-such a sweet little face emoticon

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TEALHAWK 7/15/2013 9:06PM

  It is so hard to lose a pet. Hugs to you

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BECKYSRN 7/15/2013 7:05PM

    emoticon
It's hard to lose a pet. What a lovely poem you wrote in her memory.

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CAROLIAN 7/15/2013 3:31PM

    emoticon

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JEANNIE1238 7/15/2013 2:50PM

    Thanks for all of the support, everyone.

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CAT609 7/15/2013 2:47PM

    I love your poem. I recently lost my best friend, too. My heart is broken. I know it should get better, but I miss her so much. We will keep their love in our hearts. Treasure the memories! My heart breaks for you, too. emoticon

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ISPARKLE77 7/15/2013 1:02PM

    What a lovely poem about your cat. Maybe you should have it framed with a picture of her. I have a dog that will be 16 in November and she is such a huge part of our family. I can't imagine what it will be like when she is gone. I feel good though because I know she has had a good home. She is soooo spoiled. Take care and remember the good times.

Comment edited on: 7/15/2013 1:03:11 PM

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CAROLJEAN64 7/15/2013 12:47PM

    What a wonderful tribute to your lovely cat. We have had to put down three dogs over that last 15 years and have two that are getting quite advanced in years. However, our cats.... while 10 years old.... seem still like kittens to us.
I know that hole in your heart, but remember you did Jo-Leen a favor by ending any suffering she had.

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Life has taken a turn for the worst for me.

Saturday, July 06, 2013

First, I'm getting a divorce. I got tired of waking up and finding my husband drunk. Second, my family are living in the duplex that we have a C.D. on. I don't want it so we all have to find somewhere else to live. To so easy to find a three bedroom apartment that would accept three cats. Forth and last, The most painful of all is this next week I have to take in my 14 yr. old cat and have her put down. The last one is the hardest on me. I raised my cat from a kitten and she has been my best friend. We've been through so much together. She's hiding, not touching her food, barely drinks, and is losing function of her bladder. She acts like she is in extreme pain and the look in her eyes tell me she is saying I love you and good-bye. The divorce is bad, but I'm having a harder time with having to put Joe-Leen down. My heart is breaking. When she isn't hiding I've been next to her side petting and talking to her.

It seems like it was only yesterday that she was leaping through the field to greet me from off the school bus. Or she woke up my biting my chin during a house fire. She was there with me through bad relationships, single life, and she always made herself apart of every family gathering. She would pick a chair at the table and sit on it and we would find another one for the person whose seat she took. She has been the one thing that has kept me going through the tougher times in my life. I'm dreading Monday with a passion. But I will be by her side the whole time like she has always been next to mine.

I'm doing my best to not become depressed, but it's not easy. I'm working on eat healthy, but then times come I feel like I just don't care.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANNIE1238 7/7/2013 2:00PM

    Thank you everyone for the support and kind words.


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EXOTEC 7/6/2013 12:15PM

    So VERY sorry to hear about your kitty. It sounds like renal failure... lots of older cats go that way, and (unfortunately) many times they "go it alone," the disease finally overtaking them. Congrats to you on the difficult decision to help her out of her suffering. I heard a phrase one time that's always stuck with me: humane euthanasia is the last kind act we can perform for our beloved pets. It's selfless even in the face of great heartache, to give them release from the pain they're living in. Be with her for the love and comfort she's come to expect of you while she crosses that Rainbow Bridge. Grieve for her, but remember all the good times, and the times she was there for you when the whole world was not. I lost my angelkitty a couple years ago to the same or similar disease. I still miss him terribly, I hear his voice, I feel his sweet kitty kisses. But this is *my* pain; his is gone, and for that I am grateful.

Love and condolences to you. I hope your life lightens up for you soon.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CARMEL_466 7/6/2013 11:54AM

    emoticon

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TALULAX- 7/6/2013 11:50AM

    So much news! I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Having to put a furbaby down is always heart breaking. I will light a candle for you and send some strength and calm your way. Please do be gentle with yourself and keep us posted how you are doing!

emoticon

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KNYAGENYA 7/6/2013 11:46AM

    I'm so sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you. I hope it gets better soon. I know how you feel about your cat. I had to put my diabetic cat down a couple of years ago and it tore me apart. emoticon I'll light a candle for you and your cat when I go to Church.

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NERAUS 7/6/2013 11:35AM

    I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I can really relate to having to deal with your cat. We had a similiar situation about a month ago. Just take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Remember that there is good and bad days and if you try the good can out number the bad. Hang in there.

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FANCYKAYAH 7/6/2013 11:35AM

    I'll be thinking of you & your courage to end your cat's suffering. She had a good life with you I know! Plus I know you'll make it through your difficult times~ emoticon

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ALL4BMI 7/6/2013 11:34AM

    My sympathies. emoticon

I am sure that you will find the courage to deal with these trying times.

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JOHNMARTINMILES 7/6/2013 11:25AM

    Remember that if it never rained you wouldn't appreciate the sunshine. Take each day as it comes and make the best of it.

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life!

emoticon Until tomorrow!

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