Thursday, April 10, 2014
The divorce was finalized in February. I started to hang out with my ex-husband, because he had quit drinking. We started out as just friends, but then ended up dating. In the beginning of March he started to drink again. This time I had a better understanding of alcoholism and wanted to stay by his side. But last week he decided that if he didn't want to talk to me he wasn't going to answer the phone. His drinking became ugly again. I tried really hard to help him. I read the twelve steps, would send him affirmations, and links to sites that help with alcoholism. I would give him advice from the sites that I read and he ignored it all. I really truly love this guy, but I broke it off after he choose to drink instead of talk to me to get through his craving.
He stopped answering the phone, wouldn't answer my on-line messages, and out right ignored me. And I really needed his help I had to get the merina in because my body makes to much estrogen. I was scared and he said he would come over and help take my mind of things the day before. I realized that he hadn't changed. He didn't care about my needs as long as I helped him with his. I know I deserve better, but I still can't get him and how he treated me out of my head. I broke it up on the 5th of this month and I know hearts don't mend in a few days, but I wish they did.
I have a pile of affirmation that I read through at least three times a day. I go walk around the building and have set up an appointment with my therapist, which who I just stopped seeing because I was doing really good up until now.
This time I'm going to focus on me more and my spirituality. I have been out walking and with the snow melting and days warmers it's going to be easier for me to get out more and walk. I just have to wait until the cramps from the merina stop. They have been on the pain scale between 6 and 8. I'm hoping this doesn't work so that I've done everything the doctors wanted me to and I can have my hysterectomy like I want. I don't want kids with my health issues and I don't want to chance getting pregnant. Not that I'm seeing anyone anytime soon. Won't even think of dating until I my mind has been ex free for at least 8 or 9 months. I wouldn't get involved with someone when I'm thinking of someone else. I'm not that type of person. I have deleted anyway that I can get in contact with my ex. Deleted him of my caller id, white-out his phone number from my list, and removed him from all social networks. I do get nervous that he might try and contact me. I'm not giving him another chance. I'm done getting hurt and being taking advantage of.
With all of this negative stuff going on I have gone down to 202 since 232 this summer. Big improvement. As soon as I'm not cramping any more I'm going to be doing more socializing and focusing on getting my apartment to how I want it to look like. That's going to take me a while, but it will be worth it in the end.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
This last month I was going to file for the divorce, but had to put it off to take care of my health.So far this month I had a hysterosonogram with a biopsy and found out I have endometrial hyperplasia without cancer. Great, but then after reading my through my family history and having an aunt that had uterine cancer they decided to that I need a D and C. I'm getting that done on Wednesday. I'm a little scared, but I'll have my older sister with me. This will be the deciding point on whether or not I get a hysterectomy. I really would prefer to get the hysterectomy then take a progestrone and get a biopsy (that could be wrong) ever 3 or 6 months. I understand why I have to get the D and C, but I think it should be my choice on what happens to my body. For the D and C, I've been taking off my celebrex and have been in a ton of pain the last few days. My younger brother is living with me and he is no help. I asked him the day I had to stop taking the celebrex to clean up after himself and help pitch in buy the things that we both use. No luck there. Not at all happy with him. I love my niece, but if he thinks I'm going to be watching her Wednesday or the few days after that I'm still recovering he better think again.
Next month will be the month I file for divorce. I actually can't wait to get that out of the way. I'm looking for a new apartment, but it's hard to find something in my budget. I applied for help from H.U.D., but that takes awhile. I hope not to long. I can't stand this duplex anymore. It was suppose to be our first home together and he didn't care for it like he was suppose to. I keep finding things wrong with it that I didn't notice before or he didn't tell me about. Before we got it he promised he would keep up with the place and fix what needed to be done. Nope, drinking behind my back was more important. Now I see this place as a dungeon and I can't get out of it. I don't use hate often, but I really do hate this place.
Sorry about the venting. I just had to get that off my chest. On the other hand, I'm doing fairly well with the lost of Joe-Leen. Chloe, my other cat has been doing her best to step up to the plate. She learned what she needed from Joe-Leen, but still her playful little self. I don't think I could have made it through everything without her. It's incredible how the smallest creature can be the strongest rock to hold on to. Her and my family. Thanks to all of you for being so supportive. It really helps.
Monday, July 15, 2013
I put Joe-Leen down last Monday. I've been having my ups and downs since. I never thought that something so small could cause such a big hole in my heart. I wrote a poem for my sweet cat.
Devoted to her family
Peacemaker amongst cats
Comforter of broken hearts
Heart of gold
Chest warmer at night
Bottle water fanatic
Follower of human mommy
Greeter of pizza delivery person
Demanding and opinionated
Emerald green eyes that spoke,
louder then her meows.
My little Chubbers always.
I raised Joe-Leen since she was 4 weeks old and 14 years later we've come to an end. But I'll never forget her facial expressions.
Saturday, July 06, 2013
First, I'm getting a divorce. I got tired of waking up and finding my husband drunk. Second, my family are living in the duplex that we have a C.D. on. I don't want it so we all have to find somewhere else to live. To so easy to find a three bedroom apartment that would accept three cats. Forth and last, The most painful of all is this next week I have to take in my 14 yr. old cat and have her put down. The last one is the hardest on me. I raised my cat from a kitten and she has been my best friend. We've been through so much together. She's hiding, not touching her food, barely drinks, and is losing function of her bladder. She acts like she is in extreme pain and the look in her eyes tell me she is saying I love you and good-bye. The divorce is bad, but I'm having a harder time with having to put Joe-Leen down. My heart is breaking. When she isn't hiding I've been next to her side petting and talking to her.
It seems like it was only yesterday that she was leaping through the field to greet me from off the school bus. Or she woke up my biting my chin during a house fire. She was there with me through bad relationships, single life, and she always made herself apart of every family gathering. She would pick a chair at the table and sit on it and we would find another one for the person whose seat she took. She has been the one thing that has kept me going through the tougher times in my life. I'm dreading Monday with a passion. But I will be by her side the whole time like she has always been next to mine.
I'm doing my best to not become depressed, but it's not easy. I'm working on eat healthy, but then times come I feel like I just don't care.
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