Wednesday, January 01, 2014
First day of a new year brings a time of reflection and soul searching and it seems my thorn in the flesh is weight loss and food issues, I checked my weight this morning and once again I come up disappointed. I have been doing very well over the holidays except for one afternoon. I had been down pretty good a few weeks ago and started to think maybe I was going to have a break through. Well, that is not the case. I hesitate to record my weight loss when it is good because it will bounce right back up again every time so I can't really remember how much I was down but I know that I am up at least 5 lbs from that point. I checked my weight loss from a year ago and I have only lost 8 lbs in the year. At that rate I should be 71 when I reach goal. I have worked very hard at this the past year. I work out at the gym and at home, I record my food I plan ahead. I do not know any thing else I can do. Yes, a few time I have slipped up but way more times I have been spot on. People comment frequently at my determination and my hard work. So this morning the tears are rolling down my face in frustration, but I can't give up.
God knows about this and has allowed it. I know it is so I can learn lessons and I can learn to draw near to him and learn more of my weakness and His strength. This morning I watched a 15 video by Beth Moore that really helped me see where I am at with this struggle. She spoke of how an affliction is something that can make you feel alone. I do feel alone in this and yet I shouldn't, I have a lot of people trying to help me and support me through this, but I feel alone in that all that people try to advice me and help me none of it is helping get my weight off or I guess I should rephrase that in saying it comes off so slow it feels like nothing is happening and everybody things they have an answer for me but to this point nothing is helping. The Hebrew definition for Affliction is a state of oppression or extreme discomfort physically, mentally or spiritually. I think this fits them all.
Another meaning is to try to force submission. This is where I am connecting today. I feel this affliction trying to force me back into my obsession with the number on the scale and back to the feelings of defeat and discouragement that have set me back so many many many times. I want to give up, I am tired of this and constantly fighting a battle that has no victory. Today this affliction is trying to get a hold of me but, I am choosing to submit to the loving Father who wants me to win this battle and continually brings words of encouragement to me. On top of this most encouraging message from Beth Moore my morning devotions from Sarah Young in Jesus Calling touch my heart as well.
"Come to Me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed. (I so need change right now). A close walk with Me is a life of continual newness. Do not cling to old ways as you step into a new year. Instead, seek My Face with an open mind, knowing that your journey with Me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind. As you focus your thoughts on Me, be aware that I am fully attentive to your. I see you with a steady eye because My attention span is infinite. (My Attention span is so short and impatient) I know and understand you completely; My thoughts embrace you in everlasting Love. I know the plans I have for you: plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Give yourself fully to this adventure of increasing attentiveness to My Presence." Along with Jeremiah 29:11 which is quoted in the above passage, is Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
I have a choice today to submit to the affliction or submit to the will of God. " choose you this day whom ye will serve; but as for me I will serve the Lord."
I felt the need to write this morning since I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed again with that number on the scale. I have reminded myself of God's love and faithfulness to me and I must not let the devil and this affliction get the victory. Good that I have felt beyond the number: My energy level has improved a great deal, I am getting compliments on the way I am looking. While running on the treadmill at the gym the other day a lady commented on how comfortable I looked running and was very impressed and my clothes are fitting better. As an example last Friday when the the grandkids were outside having a great time sledding, I remembered a pair of pants that I use to wear when I was out exercising in the cold and I tried them on they fit great. I was able to go out and go sledding with the kids for awhile. I wished I could have stayed out a lot longer, I was having so much fun.
There I feel much better and maybe next year I can loose 9 lbs.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The life style change has been heading in the right direction the past few weeks. But, just before Thanksgiving on that Monday I was ready to give it all up. I love this time of year and I love making cookies and there is a family I wanted to take some cookies to. So through the night, I visioned myself making the cookies. I thought "why not just forget things for a month and quit beating myself up over this and enjoy somethings". I had kind of justified it in my mind and yet I knew this was not what I really wanted, I also knew the January 1st results would leave me very discouraged. I also know at 61 everytime I play with this I might find it to hard to try again. When I get down mentally about "dieting" it can takes many months for me to really get back into the mindset again. I was excited about my once a week personal training and was supper excited when I won three months of pt to add to this once a week I was already doing. This has felt like a last ditch effort for me to get moving in the right direction and finally get the victory in my struggle. I think there was something Kim said in the meeting that night too (but can't remember what it was) that made me weight this all in my mind.
Tuesday morning I got up to go to pt and had a really good workout, of course that always make me feel better and motivated. I think I had mentioned to Mindy (my pt)that I was really struggling with what was ahead. I had an errand to run that morning that kept me from getting home till almost noon time. My daily devotional that morning from the book "Jesus Calling" by Sara Young really hit home.
"This is the day that I have made! As you rejoice in this day of life, it will yield up to you precious gifts and beneficial training. Walk with Me along the high road of thanksgiving, and you will find all the delights I have made ready for you.
To protect your thankfulness, you must remember you are in a fallen world, where blessing and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. Neglecting the practise of giving thanks has darkened their minds. How precious are My children who remember to thanks Me at all times. They can walk through the darkest days with Joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of my presence is still shining on them. Rejoice in this day that I have made, for I am your steadfast companion."
I once again started to see all the good that was coming from what I was doing and the faithfulness of God in leading me down this road so gracely and tenderly. I was about to throw all that good out the window so carelessly just for food. I started to think of ways I could make it through Thanksgiving without "suffering". I was thankful I didn't have to cook this year except mashed potatoes. My mind started thinking of some good things I could have around and healthy ways to make the potatoes. I no longer felt deprived or suffering, I felt blessed and excited.
This might be what Kim had said that rang a bell, (that meeting is not archived yet so I can't check back) "Take a time like this to practice control and it will make you stronger" (or something like that). After this mental switch, which was really the first really bad mental attitude that I have been able to climb out of and not follow through with when I really, really thought this was where I wanted to go, when I got to the other side I did feel so much stronger. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me". This strength did not come from me it was a gift from God. A gift he has wanted to give me for so long and I have been walking past it.
I sailed through Thanksgiving and have been doing great since. In the middle of all this on Thanksgiving day another gift was giving to us when Luke James Brandt was born. Needless to say it has been busy but I have done fine through it all and am excited for what lays ahead.
Mindy has wanted me to meet up with a friend of hers who she thought could give me some guidance to help me get out of this torturous slow pace of weight loss.
Amy and I meet up Saturday morning and we hit it off right away. So thankful once again God has put someone else in my life who loves the Lord and his ways. How many times God has done this is beyond belief and I can only feel his love and encouragement for me as he understand my frustration. He has used all of this to make me see he is working in my life for my good, which isn't new, he loves us all and wants to work in our life if we will just let him. He never says no to us just to say no, he says it because he knows what is best and wants the best for us.
So Amy is going to walk with me to see what is off kilter and see if we can't speed this turtle pace up a bit. I thinks she understand my struggle with believing this as she reminds me not to worry about my 2 lb gain for no reason. She reminds me to do the right thing and trust God to do the rest. Something I have not done. I have given up too many times when frustrated.
Yesterdays devotions as I contemplate the changes I will have to make: "Be willing to Go out on a limb with me. If that is where I am leading you, it is the safest place to be. Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief. Your longing to live close to me is at odds with your attempts to minimize risk. You are approaching a crossroads in your journey. In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe.
Let me lead you step by step through this day. If your primary focus is on me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid. Eventually, you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together. As long as you stay close to Me, My sovereign Presence protects you wherever you go." "Jesus Calling" Sarah Young
Psalm 10:9 And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For you, Lord have not forsaken those who seek you.
I have no other choice nor do I want another choice but to walk with God through this earthly challenge, designed by God to bring me closer to Him. This does matter to God.
Kim's meeting last night was so right in step with all of this as she discussed life style change compared to "being on a diet" The diet comes to and end supposedly when we meet goal which it shouldn't and if it does so does all our success. A life style change is a roller coaster that never stops, it has it ups and downs but we are always moving forward. If there is one thing that Kim has said that has kept me going is "never give up". That is where I have been way to many times and so even though it has been long I am still stepping forward with the help of God and all my dear supporters. I will write all their names down some time since there has been so many and each one has become very dear to me for all their love and support. I love the verse Kim ended with last night, which I can attest to is so true: "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good". That is a taste that last and never leaves you feeling guilty or disappointed.
Saturday, October 06, 2012
I feel like my blog is my puppy dog it is someone I can talk to when I am feeling blue and it is just there as my friend to listen. That is how I am feeling this morning. I just need to write and get my feeling down so I don't keep going over them again and again. At the moment I am frustrated with myself in every part of my life. My house is a mess so I shouldn't be doing this but I am. I am tired of trying to get my life together and failing over and over and over and over again. I feel like my weight loss efforts are going down the drain. My clothes are to tight again and I wonder if I really want this. I have to admit I like food more than loosing weight at times. I like loosing weight too but it is the times that the food wins out and I just want this struggle to be over and forget about the fight and let the food win. What benefit is there in struggling again and again. Its not like I am going to look wonderful when I loose the weight. The baggy skin just isn't pretty and it will only get worse as I loose. The need to think about food all the time, is so irritating, either because I am doing good and eating what I should or food is driving me crazy because I want to eat everything in site. I can't just eat. I am either elated because I am doing good or I am depressed because I am not doing good. I get tired of the highs and lows I go through so often. From where I am now the thought of trying to do good again and get back on the high to know I am only going to crash again, doesn't motivate me.
I know the only way I will win at this is to get back the total dedication I had. I just never wavered.
I do think of the things that make we want it. I think most of all is I don't want to get to the point that the grandchildren or any of the family, are ashamed of me. I don't want things to be hard for me, like bending over and crossing my legs and things that felt so good when I got the weight off. I don't want to be scarred of potential health problems, like diabetes, heart and joint problem that could easy come my way. I don't want exercise to become too hard for me to do because of my weight.
I know part of how I am feeling is because of what is going on at work. Alecia and Dianne are both leaving and I will feel very alone without them. Marilyn, my long time friend and encourager has been taken to a care center due to her very rapid health decline. I feel lonely. Even when I go to watch a meeting on line at Kim's, I feel lonely. I don't feel a part of them and hold back in participation because of how awful I feel. That is part of the reason I write on this blog rather then on the kimmie page. I feel like I wear out my friends with my ups and downs all the time. Who could every believe me, who could every get excited over my progress because they know and I know it won't last. It is embarrassing. I just wish what I learn through all these helps would actually have an effect on me.
I know it is hard on me when I have been out and about this week watching people enjoy this beautiful time of year. Couples doing things together and enjoying conversation and just having a good time. For the most part that isn't part of my life and never will be. Once again I feel very lonely. I need to be thankful for what I do have but it seems my mind is more taken up with my problem rather than my blessing. I know there are many who have it much worse and today I need to think of them and count my blessings, because I have many.
I know I won't stay feeling like this forever and that is part of the reason I write. This often helps me get over how I am feeling.
Today I need to think of the love of my Good Shepherd who has given his life for me. I know my sins forgiven and my home in heaven. I know he cares for me and I know even as I write he is touched with my feelings.
Please help me Lord, today to rest on you and feel your arms around me and in this how can I feel lonely. Make my thoughts be of you today and not about food or problems. Help me to have a thankful heart. Help me to have the strength from you to get over this and get done all that needs doing. Help me to prioritize properly and help me to be full of praise for all my blessing and for you when this day is done.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Way, Way to long since I updated my blog, but I feel I need to. I am struggling once again and I fear I will get out of control again. I hate myself when I do this. I have so many questions to ask myself and I am not sure of the answers. The first one would be, do I really want this. I know I do but what scares me is knowing how frustrated I get when I do everything I can think of right and I don't make progress. Earlier in the year I hit a 4 week spot where I didn't budge a pound when I did everything I knew to do. To this day I ask myself was I really being honest, was I cheating somewhere and I didn't want to admit it. I do not think so. If working as hard as I was working brought me no progress, I am afraid to try again. It isn't like I am not trying at all now, but I don't have the intensity I had at that time and it took a lot of time and sacrifice. I am willing to do those things again if I can actually have progress. I get going for a few days and the unbelief and fear grip me and I keep myself from getting into the intensity again so I don't have to feel the frustration. I like the food, I don't mind exercising, I enjoy creating and trying new recipes. I have the knowledge and the support team through Kimmies. I acknowledge, I get jealous over people who can just walk 30 minutes a day or 4 times a week and cut back calories to 1400 a day and they make steady progress to their goal. I am 50 plus pounds from my goal and it doesn't happen for me. I keep trying to find out what is wrong with me. I suppose it is my age and my gastric bypass surgery. I feel like I would still be fat if I lived in a concentration camp. Every body would be emaciated and I would still be fat. This is why I am having a hard time believing and a hard time getting excited about dieting properly. It is a constant mental issue with me. It is either obsessive compulsive dieting or being on program or OC off program. I can't seem to just settle down and be moderate. I have tried to apply the spiritual discipline and I fail so bad I feel awful. I want to bring God glory in this, with his help in over coming, but at least at the moment it isn't there. I want to call Kim and I will soon, but what more could anyone say to me that hasn't been said already. Yesterday's program was so me, I do well until 4 in the afternoon and then I slide a bit and then I think of how little sliding I can do and not pay the price. I have to walk a tight rope and I keep falling off. I think it might just come to show my life is not and never has been disciplined like it should be. I am a spoiled child who wants my own way at the moment and am not willing to let go of the momentary pleasure for the long term gain. This is all a pretty ugly picture but I had to write this and say it if I have any hope of moving on. I would love to be able to be in a biggest looser environment. I could stay focused and someone would be there to challenge and push me till I got the job done. Well it is time I get back to bed or I am not going to have the stamina for what the day holds.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Worked out for an hour today, feel so good again, I have done well on tracking food, eating right and reading again motivational informations. I am really enjoying the spark book, should have gotten into it earlier but glad I am there. Long term goal loose 50 more lbs, short exercise at least 15 minutes every day, mid term 20 lbs in 3 months. Got to get back to that high energy that I enjoyed so much last summer.
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