Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Let's see what I have seen so far...
1. Put on a pair of 22 pants I haven't been able to put on without laying down on the bed and giving up the option of breathing. Not only do they fit now, I can breathe.
2. Accidentally purchased a size 1x PJ pant and didn't realize it until I was taking them off after wearing them around the house all day. CRAZY!
3. My husband can SEE A DIFFERENCE.
4. Stamina has increased.
Monday, October 08, 2012
So, my life has just generally sucked lately. I have been really depressed and haven't had the motivation to do anything. I had a long talk with my husband last night about my current feelings and my fears about the future. I was feeling a little better after the talk, tired but much less stressed.
After waking up this morning, I felt this sort of renewed sense of self-worth. I decided that I was not going to continue to be down on myself. I got my kids off to school, pulled out my workout clothes and drove to the Curves gym down the road from me. I met with the owner and tried out all the equipment. I really liked it there. I signed up for my free week and walked out feeling awesome. I had only done a few seconds on each machine, but just moving my body made me feel better.
While I was at the gym, I got a bunch of measurements done. I wasn't paying too close attention to many of them. One that really hurt was my body fat percentage, 48.8% Nearly half of my body is just fat. GROSS. However, the good news came next. She had me step on the scale. I watched as she slid the first weight to 250 (NOT SHOCKED), and then I watch in somewhat amusement as she moved the smaller weight, first to the 30, which is where I thought I would be. Then over to the left to 28. 278 POUNDS. I hit my 20 pound loss. I was so excited. I can't wait till this Sunday, so I can really celebrate.
So, I have some future plans that are somewhat exciting. Next Thursday the 18, I am attending my son's very first field trip to the nature center=) Lots of walking. Friday the 19, I am doing a walk-a-thon with my oldest daughter at her school (We are team Michigan State,,Go Green Go White),,and then finally Saturday the 20th, my husband and I are taking the family along to my youngest daughters girl scout trip to the apple orchid. Picking pumpkins. I can't wait.
Sunday, October 07, 2012
Recently, I have felt like I have been stuck on a roller coaster strapped in tight just being taken for a ride. This really isn't a new feeling for me, the motto of my life has always been 2 steps forward 10 steps back, but lately it's really feels like more of 2 steps forward and 10 miles back. When it rains it pours. I am going to try to complain in this blog, rather just update.
This spit storm all started maybe 2 weeks ago at my kids doctor appointments. It was simply bad news after bad news. I thought that would be the worst of it, but man I was wrong. Since then, I have dealt with Emergency psych evals, stealing, and destroying school property. Again, I thought, ok, we have survived the storm, now I can begin to move on again. This week though, proved to be hell on my emotions. My oldest daughters LONG LOST father, absent for 8 years and 10 months, decided out of the blue that he now wants joint custody and visitation. This guy is a bad dude, I mean, banned from being within 100 feet of school, church, or daycare bad. This summons really made me face all the feelings that I had bottled away. My panic disorder has reared it's ugly head again. I haven't had a panic attack since 2009 when I saw him pull into a gas station where I was getting gas. Needless to say, this guy has done some serious damage to me. I spent the entire week contacting lawyers and people familiar with our past. My husband has been awesome during all of this. Saying what I need to hear and being there to give me a hug when I am crying.
After talking to an extremely expensive attorney, we decided that our first step would be to simply have my husband contact him and ask him to end the custody battle and sign his rights over. My husband has been raising my daughter since she was 1. I am counting on this piece of crap, waste of a human being, to be smart enough to realize that he doesn't really want to see his daughter, he just doesn't want to pay child support. TOTALLY FINE BY ME. If this doesn't happen then I will be forced to use our Christmas account to hire the attorney. This may be the beginning of a long battle.
So, right now, I feel like I am in a stalemate in this situation. Playing the waiting game. While I wait, I get to help my middle daughter. I took her Friday to finally get her x-ray to check her adenoids. The x-ray tech came out and said she saw something odd on the x-ray. She wasn't sure what it could be and said that the radiologist would be in contact with me by Wednesday. Now, I have learned not to read too much into what nurses say (apologies to any nurses out there), however I have had nurses misread reports to me on a few different occasions. I even had one call me and tell me that my biopsy checking for cancer came up positive and that the doctor was out for two days but asked me to make an appointment to meet with her when she returns. After waiting three days, since there weren't any opening for her return. I find out that the nurse put the wrong report in my file. I felt sorry for whoever had received my negative test results. So, I am taking her words with a grain of salt. I pray that she is incorrect but will deal with it when I hear from the radiologist.
Well, I think that is really all that has transpired this past week. I have barely survived it, but somehow managed. The only thing pulling me through this is knowing that after the storm my life is always calm.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Five years ago, Jan. 20, 2007, my husband and I planned a small romantic wedding ceremony. It was doomed from the beginning. We were on an uber tight budget and so I ordered my dress online. I visited the store earlier in the year and found the perfect dress. I waited for it to come on sale and then snatched it up for 75% off. After about a month of anxious waiting it finally arrive, TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE CEREMONY. I open the box to see that that had sent the WRONG DRESS. Too late to send it back, too late to order a new one. The company refunded my money and "gifted" me the dress I didn't want. I wore it out of necessity. However none of my accessories matched. The original dress was floor length (winter wedding) and some black details. I purchased shiny black shoes since they were dirt cheap and no one would see them. The dress I received was tea length and ivory,,,,NO BLACK. I wore the shoes only to walk down the aisle and immediately took them off=(. The minister we hired, a dear friend of ours, was going through a rough patch in his life and showed up drunk. He slurred our vows which was embarrassing but we made it through. Dinner and cake was AWESOME. Family came through with this one. When it came time for the dancing, we made it through the first dance and the mother-son dance before my ex brother-in-law, professional DJ, whom we paid half his going rate, got into a fight with my sister and packed up all his equipment while my husband and I were making our rounds. I never got to dance with my father, we didn't get our dollar dance. We ended up hooking up a CD player we found into the intercom system and listened to the radio. I was in tears the majority of the night and actually left my own wedding early. Fast found six months. I need a copy of my marriage license and can't find mine. I go up to court to pick one up only to find that our drunken dear friend minister NEVER TURNED THE PAPERWORK IN. For 6 months I had been using an illegal name. We have been trying for the past 5 years we have tried repeatedly to become legal but something has always happened. Applications were misplaced by the court, ministers refused to marry us, job losses, everything.
Finally, last week my husband received a surprise bonus from work. Over $800. I decided that I would try one more time to get this marriage legalized. The paperwork went through without a hitch. The minister volunteered, since he married my sister. Everything fell into place and today at 1:00 pm we FINALLY legalized our marriage in front of my parents and two of my dearest friends. It was small and cold but beautiful. We will be having a celebration next September with all my family and friends.
My parents treated us to lunch at my favorite restaurant. I had one cup of pop and then drank water the remainder of the time. I ate a large salad before my meal arrived to ensure I didn't eat too much bad food...not bad food, EXCELLENT HOME COOKED STYLE FOOD.
My best friend and witness
Best friend's fiance' and witness
Exchanging our vows
At this point, I screamed FINALLY and let out a sigh of relief,,,nothing came between us and our wedding this time.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Today came straight from Hell and landed smack dab right in my way. It started out with a very annoyed husband who came home to work to find out that someone stole his bank account number and charge $110. I finally get him calmed down and off to bed while I get the older two on the school bus. I make the youngest breakfast and sit down to enjoy my thin bagel and greek yogurt. At this point of my day everything is normal and good.
After breakfast I begin my errands. Gotta return something to the school that my eldest daughter stole ( 2nd time in two weeks). I walk into the office with my 3 year old to find my daughter sitting there already. Surprised, I give her the benefit of the doubt thinking she must be sick. I find out someone wrote swear words on TWO bathroom stalls and she just happened to be walking away with the same color pen. Ok, I immediately start defending her saying she would never do that, not here at school. I walk down to take a look and see my daughters very distinct hand writing. I was so disappointed. I HATE WHEN I GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND THEN I FIND OUT THEY DID WHATEVER IT IS THEY WERE ACCUSED.
So, I call my husband because I am a bit out of my league here. Her behavior is getting out of hand. I meet with her principal and the school social worker who both inform me that my daughter appears to be depressed. I call the pediatrician, AGAIN 2ND TIME THIS WEEK, and tell her what the school says. I am told to rush my daughter to the ER for ANOTHER EMERGENCY PSYCH EVAL. I do as I'm told scared and feeling sorry for my depressed baby. I sit and wait for FOUR HOURS in the waiting room, since they needed her by herself. Finally the psychologist comes out and sits next to me and says, " I have been doing this for 35 years. In my professional opinion, your daughter is one of the best actors I have seen for her age." Apparently as soon as I left the room, her demeanor changed, there was no sadness in her. She outright told the doctor that she felt great. I WAS MORTIFIED. I just sat in this hospital and will have to pay for every second of it, since our deductible hasn't been reached yet, for my child to fake it. She has apparently learned how to play the system. When she doesn't something wrong, she drops her eyes and talks in her sad voice and gets away with it. I'M ONTO THE GAME NOW.
So, because of all this drama my son and I missed lunch. By the time we got out of the hospital it was dinner time. We stopped at a fast food joint since I could hear his stomach growling. I didn't make the best decisions but I account it to the stress. I wasn't thinking about what was best for me, rather how embarrassed I was. Tomorrow is a new day and I PRAY IT'S BETTER.
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