JAZZYONE53  
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Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou. Everyone! :0)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

emoticon I am so very, very happy to be back! And wow what an emoticon Welcome back you have all given me. I am moved to tears. Seriously! I am truly overwhelmed by the out pouring of well wishes during my recovery/rehabilitation & return. You have be so much more than kind. You have been magnanimous! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I am experiencing some tech diff with my page but look forward to getting back on track soon. Set back equaled Weight gain initially 279 in Aug 2011 but excited to have reached 248 on this past Friday November 18, 2011. Having some water weight fluxuations still but all & all I can't complain...well, I could but then we would BOTH BE BORED. LOL LOVE TO YOU ALL
YOUR SPARK FRIEND
YOUR SISTER IN CHRIST
JAZZ emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUDYAMK 11/30/2013 1:36AM

    heah YIPPY SKIPPY you came out the winner emoticon inspiration to us all take care
Judy

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TEENY_BIKINI 1/1/2012 11:56AM

    emoticon

You go girl!!

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ASOBFALLS 11/23/2011 11:04AM

    emoticonThanks be to God! Glad you can move again!! It opens the possibilities.
Happy Thanksgiving emoticon emoticon##### emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Joyce emoticonRejoice in Jesus
Co Leader Christian Women with Depression

Comment edited on: 11/23/2011 11:05:20 AM

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 11/22/2011 9:56PM

  emoticon You go, girl! emoticon

Glad you are back.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Your sister in CHRIST

~Angel~

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7WORSHIPS 11/22/2011 9:42PM

  emoticon back! What a wonderful Thanksgiving gift to have you back! Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. emoticonon losing the weight!

Comment edited on: 11/22/2011 9:43:52 PM

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Here's the challenge:

Saturday, April 16, 2011


to taste--really, fully, mindfully taste--what you're eating.


Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2000/04/A-
Potato-Chip-Meditation.aspx#ixzz1JglVlOKB

Dear Diary,

I flunked the test! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WA2MCD 4/24/2011 3:41AM

  I stopped eating in front of the TV. I now have my meals at the dining table and I do taste my food better.

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SERENEMOM71 4/16/2011 5:30PM

  You know I really do mindfully do taste my food but I will also look up the site.....

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CBDACH 4/16/2011 8:43AM

  Here I go to see what this is all about.......

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And now I know for certain(?)

Friday, April 15, 2011

Dear Diary,

As you well know, 23 years later I am still dealilng with the issues. 23 years later I am seeking answers to a mileau of questions.

23 years my best friend and my ex-husband have been married.

23 years now the son that was concieved during our marriage is full grown.

The 3 of us are facing the futur.

The 3 of us are sharing the present.

The memories still fresh in my memory.

Years of therapy (and medication) and EE has not eased my pain, erased my grief or chased the ghost away.

23 years.

In the midst of our battles - his quest for freedom; my challenge to keep our family (hold my world) together shattered in my hands. He continued to abuse me. He ventured into abusing 2 of our 3 children.

I faced the choice I could not faced: the only home I had ever known. Walk out of my marriage and away from the only man I had ever love (the man who calmly stated he had ceased to love me.) Walk away from the pulpit the Ministry my God had called me to. The Ministry my "people" had shunned me in. Walk away. Abandon hope. Abandon faith - except to believe God had better things for me.

I believed in homelessness, I believed in sickness and in shelters.

They married, sold my only home and progressed toward their expensive cars and the 250,000 mansion in a secluded neighborhood.

I hugged my bible. My only conselation and whispered, "God has not abandoned me. I can't feel His Presence, my prayers are failing me, sickness has shatered my body mind, soul and spirit but I know He cares for me. The Lord is on my side."

23 years.

At times I found myself whimpering in pain, "Does God love me? If so why does He not rescue me." Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome gripes me once more and shadows of child Cheryl flash through my memory, "Daddy you said you loved me. You promised to come back to help me." I close my physical eyes. I close my mental eyes. I try not to see. I fight the memories. And yet I feel him. I can smell him. His body. His breath. Another man is mounting child Cheryl. My mind takes off to my "Happy Place". Adult cheryl is hugging herself. Crying and wondering when will this misery ever end.

I rise. I find something to eat. NO! I put that back. I find something to clean. I lose myself in scrubbing. But nothings ever clean enough! I am sick. I am weak. I sit. Sweating and I know. Nothing will ever be clean again.

I shut my eyes. I shut my ears but still I hear my beloved saying, " I can't stand the sight of you. I the sound of your voice sickens me." I hear him. I wonder, "Why is he saying the exact words I told him years before my mother had said to me?" "Words she said to me as she wrestled me from the play graound and tossed me into prostitution." I was 9? I was 39? My mind could no longer separate the two.

I heard him saying, "I love my children but if the price of being with them is being with you. I chose neither. " Then he did.

15 years I accepted this "truth". I pledge that my children would not suffer for the fact that I was "unlovable" "unworthy" "failed as a wife".

I vowed to keep their father in their lives.

Many years in ragged "hoopty" "push 'em - tow 'emj" cars. Many more years of sun, rain, sleet and snow on the bus stop - the children shivering at my side.

Drop them off before he gets there. Pick them up after he is gone. That was my stategy. They WOULD have what I NEVER did. A mother and a father that loved them dearly - even though we were apart!

To my dismay. To their distruction. My strategy failed. Our enemy wasz strong.
His absence loomed heavily in their hearts.

To be continued.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 4/26/2011 2:54PM

    Keep in mind Psalm 23 as you go through this 23rd year.

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JAXMOMMY 4/20/2011 4:43PM

    Cheryl-- All I know is that you are NOT unloveable! This man abused you, so he didn't love you and you didn't love him.... You just wanted the safety of a man. I'm sorry you have suffered so in your life. You can move on and move past and let go! Keep the faith! Peace, Melissa

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7WORSHIPS 4/16/2011 5:17AM

  Just reading about your pain brings tears to my eyes. I can only imagine the pain you suffered and continue to suffer as you relive these tragic events in your life. May God our heavenly Father, the healer of all our wounds turn all the hurtful events of your life into good and bring you beauty out of ashes. Keeping you in my prayers and in my heart in a special way. emoticon

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GRACEISENUF 4/15/2011 12:05PM

    I know some of this grief first hand. You have beautifully written about some anguishing pain in your life's story.

The consolation we have as children of the most High God is we know the ending is VICTORIOUS!

I will praise you Lord when the enemy reminds me of my past and I will think on "good things" by the power of your Holy Spirit. I may be pressed don't but I CANNOT BE SHAKEN as I stand firmly in your presence.

Love and hugs to you sweet sister in Christ!

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EWEINHISPASTURE 4/15/2011 11:04AM

    Cheryl, I am so sorry for your painful childhood, and marriage.
I am praying for our dear heavenly Father's healing touch on your life.
How much sweeter heaven will be to you when the Lord Jesus who loves you and understands all of your pain takes you home where you will know His everlasting comfort. Until He comes, I am praying right now that He will quiet you with His love, as we did with our own children when they came crying to us.

"The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Love, Hugs, and prayers,
Ruthie





emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Tonight I discovered.....

Friday, April 15, 2011

Dear Diary,

Tonight I discovered my nightmare is swiftly becoming my granddaughters nightmare.

The nightmare that arises from abuse, isolation and self-loathing.

The nightmare that follows you even during your waking hours.

The nightmare that whispers you will never be safe.

The nightmare that glares growling you will always be alone.

The nightmare that taunts and teasings telling you you don't count, you don't matter and that the world would be a better place if you were not in it.

The nightmare that encouraged me to slit my wrists at the tender age of 9 years old.

My grandmother helped me.

I am her grandmother.

I must help her.

But how?












  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 4/26/2011 2:51PM

    Be there and love her . . .

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RITAROSE 4/16/2011 7:05AM

  The warmth of your love and the safety of your embrace means a lot to your granddaughter. I am praying for both of you right now Jazzy! Take care and pray for wisdom, the Lord is very generous with it and with his grace and mercy! Praise God!

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7WORSHIPS 4/16/2011 5:23AM

  Only God can bring some good out of these tragic events. As her grandmother, I know that you are praying for her and doing all you can to help her through these horrific life changing events! You and I both know that the battle is truly the Lord's and that our part consists in attentively listening for and following his instructions as to the role we are to play in the battle.

Praying for you and your granddaughter!

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NOW2DAY 4/15/2011 9:20AM

    Prayers to you and your granddaughter.

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"No One is Reading My Blogs." I read these words and became inspired....

Friday, April 15, 2011

As I read these words I clicked on the link secretly pleding to the writer and to myself that I would become a friend and a faithful reader of her blogs.

As I read each word she'd poured out on the pages, her words resonated my writing -my creation- process.

Then the road we were traveling so very close together took a sharp turn. There was a fork in the road and we parted ways.

For unlike this writer, when I write my blogs and create my videos
I do so in conversation with myself expressing each thought and feeling, pouring out each emotion; communications from me - to me, "Dear Diary".

I do so convinced that few people - if any - will ever see them. I feel my inner most
thoughts and emotions released as they are set free - no longer trapped within
my tortured soul. They are free. I am free. Iam moving on.

In the meantime, my blogs & my vlogs are safely floating in (digital) outter
space some place.

I feel they are read by the occasional visitor to my page.

Again, there is a sharp turn and our paths converge once more. I agree.

My readers posts are quite sincere. I believe they care for me and that they
are deeply concerned about the things concerning me. They are my friends.
Their post are inspiration and encouragement to me. Directional.

Now, I find myself wondering , "while I am in the throws of my ceation processes
should a take a moment to remember my readers - my fellow Sparktarians?

Should I calmly and kindly consider the person or persons reading my inner most thoughts. Listening to my life poured out in poetry, prose, and song? In irrate rantings (that sometimes go on and on without reason or rhyme).

Surely, "Dear Diary" if I did I would cease to post. I would feel naked, ashamed, exposed for it is only you, "Dear Diary" I safely share my true self with. It is you from which I do not - cannot - hide my true self from.

This is healing.

No, thank you. I don't need anything to eat.

Yes. I am an EE.

Yes. My emotions are running rampant just now.

I think I will post.

"Dear Diary".

I believe you help me the most. emoticon

BTW, "Dear Dairy" as I read, "No One is Reading My Blogs" I discovered that my "she" turned was "he".

So sorry!

AWARKD.

ooooOPS!

Please.

Forgive me! emoticon

Just goes to prove: No matter who. No matter where. We are going through. We've escaped the same lair! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 4/27/2011 7:57AM

    Very strong post. The most important thing is that you keep doing this for you. Those you help along the way are gravy (low-fat of course).

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ANN150 4/15/2011 10:16AM

    Blogging is different to me than journaling on paper that no one reads. I'm very private. I admire the writers who write publicly. I admire you. Keep blogging as you are very creative. You are in my prayers for God's grace, wisdom and strength.

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DIANEWITHASMILE 4/15/2011 7:51AM

    Amazing - and I agree - I treat my blog as a journal, I'm not quite writing personally uncensored, but I'm not concerned about who is reading it (I do, however, have to think of the future and how permanent anything on the internet may be)...But it is a journal to me and if people read it, great! If someone can take something positive from my writing, great! If not, oh well!

These blogs are for the writer, not the reader!


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