Thursday, June 12, 2008
I went to my first day of Payless this morning.
I didn't get very much sleep....I woke up at 7:15, rolled out of bed, put my hair up in a raggedy bun, swiped on some mascara and went to work at 8 am. Well, my manager wasn't there to open the store.
There was some drama...
After the drama ended abruptly, there was monotony. Haha...it was such a long day. I was there for 9 hours doing basically nothing.
And don't let my pictures fool you....beLIEVE me, I was lookin TO' UP today.
And I just felt really tired and I was hungry and there's no good food places in the mall and I started getting upset because I looked like such a slob.
I don't have a lot of clothes I can wear to work and I ended up wearing some unflattering old shirt that incidentally rides up around my stomach and creates the illusion of a pot-belly and some ghetto old black pants that have a hole in the thigh from being worn so much.
And I just looked so FRUMPY!
And one of the customers told my coworker that she was breathtaking. So that made me feel like even more of a slob. LOL.
Me and Justine went to look at puppies, and then we went to look at clothes, and we went to this really cute store kinda like Forever 21 and I couldn't afford anything there or fit in anything there and every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror I was absolutely aghast at the lumpiness.
You know how when you don't get sleep, you start feeling kind of woozy and weird, and your eyes start feeling itchy...and personally I get really emotionally unstable. So I got upset and I was just so tired and all I wanted was to cry and go to sleep.
And I didn't get to work out today, and I didn't work out yesterday, and I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't.
I felt like doing something rash.
I decided to dye my hair....not a particularly daring venture but I just had this feeling I needed to change SOMETHING.
So I ended up strolling around Walmart at 10 pm talking to myself and looking for a present for Jaley's birthday.
I thought of the perfect thing. ;)
Now I'm feeling pretty chipper.
P.S. I saw a very cute blue polka-dot halter dress for VK that she must have....I think it will match her new blue clogs. ;) By the way, what size shoe does Violet wear?
I am really behind on replying to Spark comments...sorry I will try to catch up with everybody tomorrow.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Well it's about time I made a blog.
I............................am done. Are you surprised?
Of course I'm done! DONE DONE DONE DONE.
dun dun DUN!
It's 4:19 AM.....I have whacked out my sleeping schedule since summer started, and I have been trying to get back to normal.... Last night I tried to go to sleep at midnight but I just couldn't fall asleep. So I've been sleeping til 1 PM every day.....but I have to work at 9:30 this morning!! So you see my dilemma. Hopefully I will get back to a respectable sleeping cycle by the end of the weekend. *cross fingers*
If you were wondering.......I passed my portfolio review.
Did you doubt me?
Well I doubted me....LOL! I feel like I did almost everything in my power to fail that review....self-sabotage at its best. But like I said before, I just keep succeeding despite myself! When will I get what I deserve?! I deserve to be punished! I deserve failure!
Lol....I'm just kidding. Well, partially.
I have come to realize, in all seriousness, that I have developed a desire for failure. I used to think that I feared failure, now I see that I crave it! All my life I have never utilized my full potential...but I get away with it! I think something inside me WANTS TO FAIL....because maybe if I finally fail then I will finally learn my lesson, and learn to try my best at things!
I have broken up with the scale! It was a nasty breakup....not amicable at all. I threw him out of the house!
LOL...ok not really. I made that dirty, lying scale sleep in the living room! (seriously!)
OK, I am behaving very oddly....I tend to do that when I am awake til the wee hours of the morning.
On a more serious note......I will get healthy this summer. It will happen.
I will learn to be healthy. Something I have never done.
I'm not saying I'll lose all the weight I want this summer, but I will learn to be healthy. I will make changes to my lifestyle that I know I can maintain. I will not overexert myself, but I will try to challenge myself. I will learn to eat without obsessing over food or relying on food to distract me from my anxieties. I will become an active person.
And as I become an active, healthy person....as a result I will begin to weigh less. It's logic!
Have you ever considered.....what if you NEVER WEIGHED YOURSELF...for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?
Doesn't that boggle your mind?!
What if you developed a healthy life...but you never weighed yourself again? How would that feel?
DOWN with the scale!
This is me kicking the scale to the curb! LOL!
Enough weirdness for one morning....
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
No matter how hard I try to fail, it just won't work, dammit! I keep on succeeding despite myself! I slack off with a vengeance, I procrastinate myself to exhaustion....and what do I get for my efforts?? More success! What's it gonna take to fail around here??!
LOL.......the posters in the middle are mine that are being showcased in the art building. Not sure how much you can see of it. Review is over.........95% sure that I passed it....
More to come later on this topic: "fear of success"........ ;)
(if you are confused please consult blog "sparkfast" of april 2 2008)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I am starting to see myself in pictures again! Do you know what I mean? I don't see a fat lazy person anymore.
I don't have time to write an in-depth blog today, but I wanted to say that I have been feeling so much better this past week. Maybe self-acceptance or something? ;)
All of a sudden I'm obsessed with this song. Nope, not a Bible quote this week. :)
It's from Jordin Sparks' "Tattoo."
"I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction"
And y'all don't forget to vote for our video at this link!
The one called Change Your Future.
Help us win $2500! Thanks! :)
Monday, April 14, 2008
There is a certain Bible passage that comes back to me over and over again. It resonates so strongly with me because it's relevant in so many situations in my life, and it also correlates with the idea of self-sabotage.
I perpetually find myself doing the very things that I hate.
I overeat, I procrastinate, I gossip, I'm selfish...why am I doing the things that I despise? I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand why I hurt myself by acting this way.
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do.
...As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,"
your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul."
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