Friday, December 11, 2009
Days #50 and #51 have been horrible for me. I was abusing my mind and body with Snickers minis and Butterfinger fun-size bars. I was throwing all my success down the drain. I woke up in the middle of the night with a little bit of understanding. Things were going so well, my psyche had to create an abuser-victim scenario. My original abuser has been dead for many years; but the surrogate abuser who took his place is alive and well living within my mind. It is known now as self-sabotage. I thought I was craving the texture of the candy and how it felt in my mouth, the tender crunchiness of the filling as it crumbled in my mouth or the sweet/salty sensation created by the caramel and nut nougat. No, what I was really craving were the old familiar feelings of abandonment, victim-hood and lack of control. It falsely registers as security. And the only way to keep my “security” was to hide my self in layers of fat. My abusive history has truly warped my thinking. But now it is out in the open where I can deal with it more honestly. Before I was just a robot repeating ancient commands; but now I am aware and can make educated choices. I want to protect my health and continue on my journey to a better me. I will create a better Day #52. I will no longer cooperate with my emotional eating desires. I eat from a higher plane now, where my wellbeing is a priority and abusive behavior is buried with my original abuser. It always was his behavior, not mine, and I no longer choose to re-create it in my life.