Tuesday, July 22, 2014
It usually doesn't happen this way but my husband was wide awake before me and he went to be before I did last night. I went to bed at 12:30am and was fast asleep. I woke up around 7am and he was sitting in the same spot that he was when I left him...at his computer working. I asked if he had even went to bed last night. He said he did. I am sure he did because he wouldn't have been able to be so bright eyed and bushy tailed if he hadn't. I was just out like a light I guess. Anyways, it all has to do with his new job offer. I wont say too much more about it yet because he wants me to keep it as private for now as possible. I guess he thinks we may jinx it after all these months of being told one thing, having our hopes built up, only to have them crumble around us. So, with that said, if this all works out well, then we will be okay, come out of this hole and be fine. Its gonna be a tad stressful at first (that's why he was at the computer so early-looking for ways to make it less stressful), but we really are about to come out of this. I know it...I can feel it. I always say, "maybe I shouldn't have gone back to school...maybe I should have taken some time off..." but then I look at what I have accomplished and realize I have really done a lot in these past couple of years. I have 4 more semesters to go and then I can try and find work. If I cannot find it like I want it, then I can keep furthering my education until something opens up. I feel like I will have my dream job again someday. I just wish my dream job was one of those that brings in 6 figures. My hearts just not in that though. I find my heart being filled when I can be with those who need me the most. The ones who live on 3 digits a month...and sometimes less. In that kind of environment I don't see me making a whole lot, and yet the privileges and benefits that come with THAT kind of job...cannot be met anywhere else. Who knows what's in store for us. I have stopped trying to guess. I have stopped wanting the bigger house, even though we need it (trust me!), I have stopped thinking life was going to be easy (because the reality is that its a constant battle), and I have stopped dreaming of a life of less stress. This is what I have done though, I have taken control of what I can control, I have respected what life can give me and recognized that life is beautiful because its mine, I have found myself falling head over heals in love with my family and friends who have REALLY proved that they are true in my life. These are gifts you cannot buy. These are life lessons that take some people years to learn (including me)! I am as happy in this crazy situation as I can be and during those moments where I feel like I may crumble...I seek the help I need. That was one of the smartest things I could ever do...a gift for myself.
Monday, July 21, 2014
I started out being lonely. Then I started cleaning and the music I listened to brought my spirits back up. My husband came home early, but in this case it wasn't on a positive note, however his spirits were high and that was good. I am cooking a VERY healthy veggie supper (since my sweety and I are trying to eat better together) and I realize that I still have to work out and bathe the dog tonight. My dads in the hospital (part of that lonely feeling this morning) so I will call him too tonight. At least he isn't in ICU anymore. That's good. Hes just in pain after having repeated heart surgery. He has had two this week and 4-5 in the last 5 years.
I have much to be thankful for and I am more than happy to announce that I am still keeping my head up. But it is because of the prayers and wonderful friends I have to support me and my family.
Thank you for reading this...I count you as a blessing too!!!
Sunday, July 20, 2014
In the midst of some interesting times I have truly had the pleasure of being around great people. I am blessed to have the friends I do. They inspire me, make me laugh and show me what it is to love. For all of my childhood I didn't know what it meant to be loved unconditionally. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized why I had to go through some of the things I did. It catapulted me into a life of wanting to help others. I love my life when I am following my calling. Its when I deviate from that I find my life empty and meaningless. I wish I could give more. I know that wherever I am I can be the sunshine during somebodies storm. I had a few weeks here recently where I was REALLY down in the dumps. I mean the feeling of complete hopelessness, bitterness and rage encamp me and my family. But that storm in my life passed. Sure there are still some moments of "sprinkling" but the typhoon has passed. During those horrible moments there were ones that reminded me how much I was loved. Some gave gianormous hugs, some gave private messages of encouragement and some even gave us resources that we wouldn't have had otherwise. None of these things I expected, but everything was loved. That sense of being pulled out of the hole was not only a humbling experience but also a beautiful reminder of how we are to be for one another. Above all things we must love each other...and I do...I so do. I suppose I wrote this here to encourage those who may be in a hole of their own. Its not a forever hole. I promise, it will get better. It stinks while you are in the depth of it, but there is a light at the end. I promise. No matter how bad it seems...believe it or not...when it gets better in your life, you will feel stronger and ready to help others. I hate that I have had to go through so much, but feel privileged that I get to help others now that I am getting better. Life is a cycle and its a beautiful one. Stay positive even in the worst situation. I know it sounds hard. I hating hearing that when I was going through my junk. I didn't want to stay positive, I wanted to throat punch life. I hated a lot of a lot! But...I understand it a little better now. My situation hasn't changed too much, but what has changed is my level of hope. I have watched people love me and do things that I never expected them or anyone to do. I have seen things in humans that show me there are good people in this world that live to bring that sunshine I spoke of earlier. The only time I felt alone is when I wanted to be left alone. As soon as I gave the slightest hint that I needed a hug, people came out of the woodwork.
I once said to a friend of mine, "I have great friends!". I believe that to have a great friend you have to be a great friend. Be there to lift each other up and know that a gentle encouraging word is much better than a point easily made.
No matter what you may be going through, you are stronger than you know. You have GOT this and you WILL get it done! Keep on keeping on! Push through!
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