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Making it real

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

It's time for me to make it real. I try to stay upbeat and keep a positive attitude, but faking it will only take you so far. It is time for me to strip it down and be honest with myself. I am not advancing toward my goals the way I want or should be. I have no one to blame except myself, but there it is.

I allow life to get in my way. I allow myself to get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do from day to day and week to week. I convince myself that I have a handle on it but, in reality, I am completely out of control. I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. The best laid plans of mice and men.....

I can blow smoke and say I am done allowing things to get in my way and I am done allowing myself to get overwhelmed, but this is all about being honest with myself. I WANT to be done allowing things to get in my way and I WANT to be done allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Some days it seems so clear how to go about doing that and some days it's as clear as mud.

I WANT so many things for myself:
*I want to be healthy.
*I want to have a body that I am happy with.
*I want to have confidence in myself and feel like I am worthy.
*I want to get rid of this pain that I have lived with my entire life that I am not quite good enough.

I have always struggled with self-love and self-confidence. I have always felt like I am not quite good enough. Since childhood, I have always wanted to be like somebody, I have never wanted to be like me. I have never wanted to be like me because I'm not good enough, I have never been smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough. I want to be someone that people like, someone that people love. I fool myself into thinking I am a good person because I do everything I can to help everyone else and make everyone else happy. I don't know how to do anything else. I love with everything I have and doubt what I get in return. There is always this feeling that I'm hiding inside myself because if I say what I think or what I feel then people will turn away from me. Then they won't like me or they won't love me. And if they do love me, why?

How can I give love and receive love if I don't love myself? I don't even know how to love myself. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I deserve it, but they are just empty words. They sound good, they sound positive, but they don't really have any meaning to me. I'm just going through the motions. I don't want to be this person anymore. This person with no faith, no confidence, no love for myself. I know the changes have to come from within, I just don't know how.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 10/23/2012 9:04AM


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BERKCHIK 10/18/2012 12:20AM

    I know you posted this a while ago, but I'm just catching up with it. I hope you are working through your self-acceptance, and want you to know your openness and vulnerability are touching and make you all the more lovable.

I deal with some of the same issues, and I have found Tara Brach's work called "radical acceptance" to be an eye-opener. It's helped me to begin the process of accepting myself and my emotions. If you're interested, she has a website with free videos and podcasts at tarabrach.com.

You're doing phenomenally well here on SP. Even when you have bad days or weeks, you keep coming back. That is success.

Comment edited on: 10/18/2012 12:21:28 AM

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LISAMG1220 9/26/2012 9:28PM

    I just read your blog and it is so honest. That is the first step in it all. The first person you have to be honest with is yourself. The first person you have to make happy is yourself. I spent my whole life worrying about other peoples happiness, never my own. I people pleased until I thought I would keel over from the weight of it. I had to ask myself why....why is everyone else more important than me. Guess what they aren't and I was doing myself a disservice in the process. Find one thing that makes you happy (NOT FOOD!!!!! emoticon ) and start there. The rest will come in time. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are a fighter! You are a Lemon!!!!!

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NANDA82 9/26/2012 12:34AM

    Your off to a good start as you were able to let it out so humbly and honestly. My biggest goal is to be more confident, so I can relate to some of your feelings. As said before, love your body and all of you right now, not X lbs from now. There will always be people that are not too fond of us and that's ok. These people will not like you because you lost 10 or 100 lbs and you will still think that there's something wrong with you. You should find your own balance and happiness before you worry about everyone else. That's not selfish, you're important! Don't ever forget that.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KLUTERACOON 9/25/2012 10:16PM

    Losing weight will not change how you feel about yourself. I've been there, super skinny, and still felt fat and disgusting. 80lbs later and it was even worse. There is no special formula, that will make you believe in yourself, or love yourself.

It is a hard journey. I know I've been there, still going through it. I have had numerous people tell me over and over again how worthless I am. And as I'm sure you know we are always harder on ourselves than other people are on us. I would tear myself apart more so than the ones around me would.

It's hard work, and most important you have to be open to learning who you are, if you take the time to get to know yourself, the love will come in time. just as its a process to love others we need to take that process for ourselves.

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DEBPRE16 9/25/2012 3:28PM

    I started doing positive affirmations from Louise L. Hay a little over a year ago and it has helped me. She has written a book - You Can Heal Your Life- which has helped me too. She teaches that every time you pass a mirror you should say to yourself - I love you - It is so weird at first and some days it is still hard to do or sounds funny but I do try to do it. I don't do it every time I see a mirror but I do it now and again. Sometimes I just tell myself something positive about myself instead of I love you.

I got the info about Louise L. Hay from my counselor I see. I can remember asking her "where do I get self esteem from - how do I do it?" So you are not alone. It takes time to change how you think and feel about yourself.

You've written a great blog - you were open and honest and should be proud of yourself. Say - I wrote a good blog and feel good about it. Just take babysteps. I am feeling better about myself. I am capable and loveable. I am a good person who is kind and nice. You are too!

I hope this helps a little bit.



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SHRINK_U 9/25/2012 2:32PM

    I can feel your emotions from reading this blog. I have some of those same feelings. Like you.. sometimes it all seems so clear.. and then it will be clear as mud. I am also working on how to fully love myself. Most of the time I am definitely in a "fake it til I make it" mode. I get so scared thinking sometimes that what if I lose the weight and I still "feel" exactly the same way.. full of doubt, fear, and still not knowing who the heck I really am.

I am glad that you got these feelings out, girl. We can do this.. and we will do this. I don't know how long it will take us.. but we will do it.


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FATBOTTOMGRL1 9/25/2012 9:27AM

    I can so relate with you on this blog!! Every aspect of your blog is how I lived my life up until my Mom died in 2008. Digging down deep like you just did is the start to making things happen!!! It is going to take baby steps and small goals set for yourself.
You took the first step~~ do you see that?? It took months of intense counseling for me to get that far!! You should be so PROUD!!!!
There are going to be ups and downs along your journey~ you picked yourself up and brushed off and continued is what it is all about!!
Keep blogging. Keep affirmations on your bathroom mirror! Set one goal for yourself to do in a day~ DO IT!! Then tomorrow, set two goals and does those. Build up to it. You will be amazed how good you will feel when you accomplish that first goal.
You are worth it and you can do this~~~
Your LEMON sisters are here to help you!!

Comment edited on: 9/25/2012 9:29:13 AM

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/25/2012 8:15AM

    I think we all need to get to this point in order for us to realize that thing MUST change. It's another stepping stone in the journey. You DO deserve it, and you WILL be able to make the changes necessary. You can do this! *HUGS*

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 9/25/2012 7:43AM

    Your blog was very poignant and a deep cathartic search from within on your journey. The "rawness" of your thoughts and words will hopefully allow you to set things straight with your priorities. You can make the change....but it has to come from within YOU. Make your "want" list a reality. No one else can make those changes for us. Remember....a dream without a plan is only a wish!

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Not Perfect

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

This is something I came across quite a while back. I just felt the need to share it this morning. Some days when I get really frustrated, this helps, especially on the days when my weight loss journey doesn't seem to mean anything to him. I know it does and this tends to remind me that he doesn't think or show emotion in the same way I do, but I know he loves and supports me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KLUTERACOON 9/23/2012 8:36PM

    Thank you for sharing, I think every woman should remember this.

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SHRINK_U 9/19/2012 8:48PM

    I needed to read that today, too.. thanks for posting it.

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LISAMG1220 9/19/2012 12:42PM

    Love it!! Thank you for sharing! :)

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FATBOTTOMGRL1 9/19/2012 9:30AM

    emoticon emoticon brought tears to my eyes~~ LOVED IT! Thank you for sharing!!

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08ESCAPE 9/19/2012 7:38AM

    Love it!! Thank you for sharing!! emoticon

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AZMOMXTWO 9/19/2012 7:37AM

  thank you for sharing this one it is great

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I'm an Avocado....hmmm, who knew?

Monday, September 17, 2012

Ok, so I am reading this article this morning about 'ideal' weight, bmi, and body shape. I had never done the waist-to-hip ratio because I 'assumed' from the description of body shapes that I had read that I was an apple. Turns out I was wrong. I am a "less common" avocado shape. My first reaction was, "Well, why not? The 'less common' fits me to a T." LOL

After my initial, humorous reaction, I read on and discovered that Avocado is a higher health risk than a Pear and lower health risk than an Apple. If I couple that with the fact that I am now considered OBESE, rather than SEVERELY OBESE, I feel somewhat better about myself. I have a long way to go to be considered Overweight, but I have come a long way to drop that 'SEVERELY' from in front of me.

So, I'm thinking I am gonna have a little fun with this. Avocados are good and used in many different things. Not just everyone can be an Avocado. I already knew I was different, but now I know I am 'less common'. I'm a proud Avocado and I'm gonna rock this journey Avocado style! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KLUTERACOON 9/23/2012 8:27PM

    Love it!! :) Thanks for the smile.

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LETHANIA 9/21/2012 8:55AM

    I read the same article. I am also an avocado. I didn't think I was that "uncommon" but okay. now what to do about it?

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 9/19/2012 5:37AM


♥.*) ♥.*) ♥.*)

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SHRINK_U 9/18/2012 8:09PM

    :) Such a cute blog. I honestly have no idea what fruit I am. I think I found out several years ago but I have since forgotten. Now I am curious!! lol-- so cute!

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KAYLSLYNN 9/18/2012 4:37PM


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LISAMG1220 9/17/2012 3:46PM

    Oh my goodness....I laughed so hard when I read your blog!! Thank you for sharing, I needed it! :)

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HOPEANEW 9/17/2012 12:49PM

    Haha, love it! I'm an avocado too :) And I think I just read the same article this morning. Now I know that my weight loss goal is reasonable!

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TWNOMWE 9/17/2012 11:15AM

    Better an avocado than an apple emoticon
Both fruit have great healthy benefits so let us eat them while we lose their shape. emoticon

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BIGDOG18 9/17/2012 6:41AM


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RAPUNZEL53 9/17/2012 6:40AM

  I am an avocado now to.

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Lemon Challenge-Week 1

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Week 1 challenge is to list 5 things that are holding me back.

1. Me. I doubt myself and give up too easily. My boss is always pointing out to me that, when I want or need something for my store, I take 'No' for an answer too easily. He is right! I do that in every aspect of my life. I do it at work. I do it at home. I do it with my exercise. I do it with my eating. If it's hard or complicated, I shy away from it. It's called choosing the path of least resistance. I take the easiest path. And that, my friends, is what got me here to begin with.

2. Lack of focus. I don't take the time to focus on Me. It seems that everything is just so busy and I don't have time to take for me. I need to make time!

3. Tracking. I am not as diligent as I should be with my food tracker. I really need to take the time to track what I am eating again. No excuses.

4. Lack of support. I am trying to go this alone and it is not working. I have my SP support but I need to build a support network at home.

5. And last, but not least: Smoking. Yes, yes, I know...Why are you smoking? You are killing yourself! Just quit! I know all the statistics and all the reasons why I should quit. I have been a smoker for 21 years and I know I have to quit to make the life changes I want. I have seen first-hand the effects of years of smoking on many people in my life and I don't want to be another statistic. Anyone who has ever been a smoker knows that this is a personal battle that can be the easiest or the hardest thing to do. I have personally known people that can pick them up and put them down like they are nothing and I have known people that battle so hard to put them down and still can't do it. For me, it's hard.

Bonus~Reflecting-What I want to work on during this Fall Challenge.
- I want to focus on quitting smoking. I am going to try my hardest to cut back and finally, to quit completely.

- I am also going to work on building a support network here at home. Finding someone to exercise with me and help with accountability.

I want to rock this challenge! Go Lemons!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISAMG1220 9/11/2012 9:29AM

    Hey Lemon friend! Right there with you on working to break the nicotine habit. I do sparkpeople and a weekly weight loss class at my Y, so I understand about needing a home connection. Just know that no matter what we are here for you. We can do this together! :)

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DOLPHINNUT 9/9/2012 3:15PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SHRINK_U 9/9/2012 1:39PM

    I have been known to take the path of least resistance, too. We can do this girl. I have quit smoking a few times in my life.. I really wish you the best!!! If you are ever interested in trying electronic cigarettes I can tell you about my experience with them.

I know you are going to rock this challenge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 9/8/2012 10:50PM

    You've addressed your issues.....now it is time to put your plan into action!

Always know you have the support of your LEMON friends!

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IYA_EKUNDAYO 9/8/2012 7:19PM

    Good for you - I know it will be hard but you can quit smoking!
I am so proud of you for trying.

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TIBI183 9/8/2012 9:15AM

    Love this blog. I think the first step to success is writing down your struggles instead of keeping them in your mind. I would love to hear how this challenge is going for you. So keep us posted.
emoticon emoticon

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New month and new look at life

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Today is the beginning of a new month and a day of reflection for me. I am looking at where I've been, where I am and where I want to go and feel the need to share.

I tend to be a very emotional and sensitive person and, as a result, I ride some big highs and lows. I can get pumped up to the point that I feel invincible and I can drop to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed because it just doesn't seem worth the effort. My moods tend to reflect my surroundings. I am a strong believer in 'fake it til you make it' and that has helped me a lot of days. Some days I just don't feel it, but I paste a smile on my face and act like I am upbeat and happy and eventually it works. I am happy with the person I am today and though I still have aspects to work on, I have come a long way.

A few years ago I was a truly miserable person. I was angry, unhappy, and completely lost. I didn't know who I was and really didn't care, I had no self-esteem and no confidence. I was focused only on surviving from one day to the next--making it through the day at work, going through the motions at home and just making it through until bedtime. I had no plans for the future because I couldn't see past the misery of each day. My husband had become someone I just shared my house with and my children were a chore. I am so ashamed to admit that because I love my children more than anything, but I have to be honest about it. That is the point I was at and it was a very dark place for me.

Two and a half years ago I had an epiphany. It just suddenly hit me how miserable I truly was. I realized what kind of wife and mother I was and, to be honest, it was devastating. That was the lowest point I have ever been in my life. That is when I realized I had to make some changes. I began by making changes in myself and the way I looked at and reacted to things in my life. I began to try to make changes at home, trying to make it feel like 'home' again. I gained a new outlook on life and began to find myself. After months of trying to convince my husband that we needed to pay more attention to our marriage and put some 'life' back into our life, it became apparent that it was not going to happen. I began to make some drastic changes and made one of the most difficult decisions in my life. I made the changes that I had to make for me so that I could be a better person and a better mother for my children. I really don't know where I would be now if not for the changes I made, but I don't think it would be a good place.

Today it makes me sad to look back at that angry, sad, hopeless woman. All the negativity and hopelessness, all the years wasted. Today I am thankful for my life, my children and the wonderful man in my life. I am still working on the self-esteem and confidence, but I am worlds away from the person I was a few years ago. That is where I am.

Now, I look to the future and where I want to go. I look to what I need to do to reach my goals on this journey I am on. Time to face the things that are holding me back.

-I allow myself to doubt. I doubt my ability to succeed and I am afraid. I have a goal weight, but I don't have a goal 'feeling'. I have never been thin and have no clue what it feels like. I feel like I am sailing a ship in uncharted waters with no idea what lies ahead.

-I am my own worst enemy. I have a bad habit of negative self talk and need to learn to be as nice to myself as I am to everyone else.

-I allow myself to slack on my exercise. By doing that, I am not seeing the kind of results I want to which leads to my getting discouraged. I know the only way I am going to see the results I want is to put forth the effort. That leads to another thing:

-I have no support. I have all of my Spark friends and I am so grateful to all of you for your support and motivation. But here in my 'real' life, I have no one to push me. I know I have to do my workout and I know I can do more I have been. I let myself stop when it gets 'too hard'. I know that if I could ever push myself past that barrier and really see what I can do I will be amazed. I just can't force myself past it and need someone to give me a little push when I work out. I have to find someone to push me.

-I need to put more effort into my diet. I watch what and how much I eat, but I don't give it enough attention. I really need to be even more aware of what I am doing.

-I need to find a way to give myself more time to just focus and de-stress.

I feel like today is a new starting point for me. I want to go forward from here with a positive outlook and attitude and a renewed sense of purpose in this journey. I want to break through the things that are holding me back. I know I am worth the effort. I know my family is worth the effort. I KNOW I can do this!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISAMG1220 9/5/2012 3:37PM

    This is a wondeful and honest blog. The first step sometimes is being so honest with your self it hurts. Negative self talk is something I battle myself all the time, especially being critical of my self. I had to do a gratitude journal in therapy and had to find positives in all my negatives. It really does work! :)

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DOLPHINNUT 9/2/2012 9:44PM

    emoticonVery well written, good luck in finding the things you need. You know us sparkfriends are here if you need us. emoticon

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 9/2/2012 7:26PM

    Good for you!!! Only you have the power to be responsible for your life and happiness! As a Spark friend, we are here to support you on this journey! Lean on us...and you know, we'll always be here for you! emoticon

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ITISABOUTME 9/2/2012 9:52AM

    Good for you. Its very hard to realize our shortcomings and also hard to make changes. You can do this just look at how far you have already been. Change just one little thing at a time. Add just one more fruit or veggie, walk just 100 more steps a day, do just one more rep when strength training, etc. Break it down into doables and it wont seem quite so overwhelming. emoticon emoticon

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ANWKIM 9/2/2012 8:55AM

I think coming to these realizations are a big step for you in your journey. Good luck as you move forward

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KNYAGENYA 9/1/2012 9:53PM

    Congrats on taking control of your life.

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