Tuesday, September 25, 2012
It's time for me to make it real. I try to stay upbeat and keep a positive attitude, but faking it will only take you so far. It is time for me to strip it down and be honest with myself. I am not advancing toward my goals the way I want or should be. I have no one to blame except myself, but there it is.
I allow life to get in my way. I allow myself to get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do from day to day and week to week. I convince myself that I have a handle on it but, in reality, I am completely out of control. I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. The best laid plans of mice and men.....
I can blow smoke and say I am done allowing things to get in my way and I am done allowing myself to get overwhelmed, but this is all about being honest with myself. I WANT to be done allowing things to get in my way and I WANT to be done allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Some days it seems so clear how to go about doing that and some days it's as clear as mud.
I WANT so many things for myself:
*I want to be healthy.
*I want to have a body that I am happy with.
*I want to have confidence in myself and feel like I am worthy.
*I want to get rid of this pain that I have lived with my entire life that I am not quite good enough.
I have always struggled with self-love and self-confidence. I have always felt like I am not quite good enough. Since childhood, I have always wanted to be like somebody, I have never wanted to be like me. I have never wanted to be like me because I'm not good enough, I have never been smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough. I want to be someone that people like, someone that people love. I fool myself into thinking I am a good person because I do everything I can to help everyone else and make everyone else happy. I don't know how to do anything else. I love with everything I have and doubt what I get in return. There is always this feeling that I'm hiding inside myself because if I say what I think or what I feel then people will turn away from me. Then they won't like me or they won't love me. And if they do love me, why?
How can I give love and receive love if I don't love myself? I don't even know how to love myself. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I deserve it, but they are just empty words. They sound good, they sound positive, but they don't really have any meaning to me. I'm just going through the motions. I don't want to be this person anymore. This person with no faith, no confidence, no love for myself. I know the changes have to come from within, I just don't know how.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
This is something I came across quite a while back. I just felt the need to share it this morning. Some days when I get really frustrated, this helps, especially on the days when my weight loss journey doesn't seem to mean anything to him. I know it does and this tends to remind me that he doesn't think or show emotion in the same way I do, but I know he loves and supports me.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Ok, so I am reading this article this morning about 'ideal' weight, bmi, and body shape. I had never done the waist-to-hip ratio because I 'assumed' from the description of body shapes that I had read that I was an apple. Turns out I was wrong. I am a "less common" avocado shape. My first reaction was, "Well, why not? The 'less common' fits me to a T." LOL
After my initial, humorous reaction, I read on and discovered that Avocado is a higher health risk than a Pear and lower health risk than an Apple. If I couple that with the fact that I am now considered OBESE, rather than SEVERELY OBESE, I feel somewhat better about myself. I have a long way to go to be considered Overweight, but I have come a long way to drop that 'SEVERELY' from in front of me.
So, I'm thinking I am gonna have a little fun with this. Avocados are good and used in many different things. Not just everyone can be an Avocado. I already knew I was different, but now I know I am 'less common'. I'm a proud Avocado and I'm gonna rock this journey Avocado style!
Saturday, September 08, 2012
Week 1 challenge is to list 5 things that are holding me back.
1. Me. I doubt myself and give up too easily. My boss is always pointing out to me that, when I want or need something for my store, I take 'No' for an answer too easily. He is right! I do that in every aspect of my life. I do it at work. I do it at home. I do it with my exercise. I do it with my eating. If it's hard or complicated, I shy away from it. It's called choosing the path of least resistance. I take the easiest path. And that, my friends, is what got me here to begin with.
2. Lack of focus. I don't take the time to focus on Me. It seems that everything is just so busy and I don't have time to take for me. I need to make time!
3. Tracking. I am not as diligent as I should be with my food tracker. I really need to take the time to track what I am eating again. No excuses.
4. Lack of support. I am trying to go this alone and it is not working. I have my SP support but I need to build a support network at home.
5. And last, but not least: Smoking. Yes, yes, I know...Why are you smoking? You are killing yourself! Just quit! I know all the statistics and all the reasons why I should quit. I have been a smoker for 21 years and I know I have to quit to make the life changes I want. I have seen first-hand the effects of years of smoking on many people in my life and I don't want to be another statistic. Anyone who has ever been a smoker knows that this is a personal battle that can be the easiest or the hardest thing to do. I have personally known people that can pick them up and put them down like they are nothing and I have known people that battle so hard to put them down and still can't do it. For me, it's hard.
Bonus~Reflecting-What I want to work on during this Fall Challenge.
- I want to focus on quitting smoking. I am going to try my hardest to cut back and finally, to quit completely.
- I am also going to work on building a support network here at home. Finding someone to exercise with me and help with accountability.
I want to rock this challenge! Go Lemons!
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Today is the beginning of a new month and a day of reflection for me. I am looking at where I've been, where I am and where I want to go and feel the need to share.
I tend to be a very emotional and sensitive person and, as a result, I ride some big highs and lows. I can get pumped up to the point that I feel invincible and I can drop to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed because it just doesn't seem worth the effort. My moods tend to reflect my surroundings. I am a strong believer in 'fake it til you make it' and that has helped me a lot of days. Some days I just don't feel it, but I paste a smile on my face and act like I am upbeat and happy and eventually it works. I am happy with the person I am today and though I still have aspects to work on, I have come a long way.
A few years ago I was a truly miserable person. I was angry, unhappy, and completely lost. I didn't know who I was and really didn't care, I had no self-esteem and no confidence. I was focused only on surviving from one day to the next--making it through the day at work, going through the motions at home and just making it through until bedtime. I had no plans for the future because I couldn't see past the misery of each day. My husband had become someone I just shared my house with and my children were a chore. I am so ashamed to admit that because I love my children more than anything, but I have to be honest about it. That is the point I was at and it was a very dark place for me.
Two and a half years ago I had an epiphany. It just suddenly hit me how miserable I truly was. I realized what kind of wife and mother I was and, to be honest, it was devastating. That was the lowest point I have ever been in my life. That is when I realized I had to make some changes. I began by making changes in myself and the way I looked at and reacted to things in my life. I began to try to make changes at home, trying to make it feel like 'home' again. I gained a new outlook on life and began to find myself. After months of trying to convince my husband that we needed to pay more attention to our marriage and put some 'life' back into our life, it became apparent that it was not going to happen. I began to make some drastic changes and made one of the most difficult decisions in my life. I made the changes that I had to make for me so that I could be a better person and a better mother for my children. I really don't know where I would be now if not for the changes I made, but I don't think it would be a good place.
Today it makes me sad to look back at that angry, sad, hopeless woman. All the negativity and hopelessness, all the years wasted. Today I am thankful for my life, my children and the wonderful man in my life. I am still working on the self-esteem and confidence, but I am worlds away from the person I was a few years ago. That is where I am.
Now, I look to the future and where I want to go. I look to what I need to do to reach my goals on this journey I am on. Time to face the things that are holding me back.
-I allow myself to doubt. I doubt my ability to succeed and I am afraid. I have a goal weight, but I don't have a goal 'feeling'. I have never been thin and have no clue what it feels like. I feel like I am sailing a ship in uncharted waters with no idea what lies ahead.
-I am my own worst enemy. I have a bad habit of negative self talk and need to learn to be as nice to myself as I am to everyone else.
-I allow myself to slack on my exercise. By doing that, I am not seeing the kind of results I want to which leads to my getting discouraged. I know the only way I am going to see the results I want is to put forth the effort. That leads to another thing:
-I have no support. I have all of my Spark friends and I am so grateful to all of you for your support and motivation. But here in my 'real' life, I have no one to push me. I know I have to do my workout and I know I can do more I have been. I let myself stop when it gets 'too hard'. I know that if I could ever push myself past that barrier and really see what I can do I will be amazed. I just can't force myself past it and need someone to give me a little push when I work out. I have to find someone to push me.
-I need to put more effort into my diet. I watch what and how much I eat, but I don't give it enough attention. I really need to be even more aware of what I am doing.
-I need to find a way to give myself more time to just focus and de-stress.
I feel like today is a new starting point for me. I want to go forward from here with a positive outlook and attitude and a renewed sense of purpose in this journey. I want to break through the things that are holding me back. I know I am worth the effort. I know my family is worth the effort. I KNOW I can do this!
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