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ISTRALOUISE's Recent Blog Entries

Silly Reaction Really.. but I can't seem to control it (need support)

Sunday, May 05, 2013

Well, my adventures with Avon continue. Almost all the product I ordered came in, but the acquaintance that I started using Avon had her order not come in at all, she's not happy about it. And I've decided to try to open an account again at a credit union, but I'm not sure I can, because I used to have one about 10 years ago there and it ended badly. If not there then I know where I can open one up, and even if they saddle me with the "fresh economic start" type checking, it will be half of the price per month of where I am now.. Hopefully I qualify for the free checking. Where I am now has just made one mistake too many, and failed to show me why or why it won't happen again, so I am austa la pasta as they say (may be spelled wrong) Anyway.. I'll know either way tomorrow because I am going to talk to them in person (*sweaty clammy hands as I type this* really, come on.. its ridiculous for me to be this anxious.. what are they going to say to me.. I can't bank with them? I'm not banking with them now.. big whoop... actually I think the thing is this is bringing back all the feelings I had when the other account ended.. the despair, fear, anxiety, shame.. I only had a $500 credit limit and it was a student account and I'd been out of work for two years and couldn't even pay my minimums on the card anymore. Finally I got a letter saying that if I didn't pay the whole amount off that they would cancel my accounts and I wouldn't be able to bank with them anymore. My parents paid the amount but not soon enough. I brought it up to them when I finally didn't know what to do, but they said that I needed to figure out how to pay my own bills, which was true.. but it was so close to the deadline when I finally asked that I was out of options.. I waited until the day of the deadline and then attempted suicide in a park after closing when I was relatively sure no one would be there, but someone was and they took me to the hospital. Now it seems stupid. Suicide over $500 and a bad credit rating? But there it was. I have another account with another bank now (albeit, a crappy one comparitively) and credit.. I can't believe I thought my life was over.. that was then, this is now.. but my palms are sweating like crazy and I'd give almost anything not to have to face this conversation tomorrow.. my parents, significant other, and friends think I should talk to them. I tried opening an account online (less painful) but it said I already had one or an active loan with them, so Dad thinks they may not have even closed the account.. i wont know till I find out)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERNESS 5/7/2013 6:43PM

    Glad to hear the good news! It's wonderful when there are happy things that can happen when you confront your fears.

Keep up the good work!

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ISTRALOUISE 5/7/2013 3:55AM

    Ok well.. I'm glad I stuck with it and got through it.. I talked to them and in the end they said I could re-apply and I was approved for a new account with them, like the old one never happened. So now I am going to have two interest bearing, no monthly fee accounts, in place of the two noninterest bearing $20 a month accounts I had.

Thank you for replying BeckyBoo08

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BECKYBOO08 5/5/2013 11:13PM

    What is the worse that can happen. No account?????? Is that really that bad? Not really. You need to go in there strong and be in control. You need to have the attitude that it is them missing out if you don't bank with them. If they haven't closed your old account then there you go you are still with them. Be positive.

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My Story So Far

Sunday, April 28, 2013

This is my picture, five years ago in 2008. You can tell I have a double chin, even though I have tilted my head upward. Although I probably weighed less back then than I do now, I feel better both physically and mentally. Mentally I think I carry my size better. I've also started wearing makeup again and taking better care of myself than I did back then, so hopefully my pictures will reflect that in the near future.

This is what I looked like in the middle of last month...

This is what I look like today (camera is one day off somehow)

I'm only down between 15 and 20 pounds but I feel so much better!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

M4JMOMMY 4/29/2013 12:46PM

    I love your new pictures. You look great! I am so glad you are feeling better. You look happier in your pictures. emoticon

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JANTWO 4/29/2013 12:15AM

    Wow you look amazing!!!! emoticon

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LESLEYANNE11 4/29/2013 12:10AM

    Yah emoticon love.I totally see an awesome difference.Well done to you.
Please have a great week lesleyanne. emoticon

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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

This was part of a correspondence with a friend on SparkPeople, but I thought it would make a good blog entry.

I'm trying to be gentle with an over 100 lb planned weight loss.. celebrating each pound and rewarding 5 pound increments. I want to be healthier, have a better appearance, and a longer life than I would otherwise have. I want to be able to easily ride rides at the fair and to not worry whether the middle seat seatbelt will reach far enough for me if I wear my fluffy coat.

I am stalled right now, but that isn't really surprising since I was all motivated for march and then promptly rolled off the wagon at around the 1st of April with tracking and other things. Need to get back on the ball, regardless of whether I earn my April consistency trophy or not.

I've divided my goals up into four areas (SuperGoals ... lol) and set goals in each one.. I am repurposing the tracking calendar I bought from the SparkStore to reflect effort spent in each area. If I do everything I can in a day, it gets highlighted, if not, it doesn't. All four areas earn me an almond in my attitude mug (1 almond=$1) no areas highlighted loses me an almond and puts it in the negative mug (to be redeemed or counted against the remaining almonds in the attitude mug at the end of the 35 day period)

It turns out I'm doing this on the first day of the next page of the tracking calendar exactly, so I got to start where it stopped and write my goals in the slots without all my previous writing.

I'm also trying to kick my butt and convince myself that better late than never in regards to the #riseandshine challenge. Even if the challenge is over before I'm consistent, I still want to do eat and do a routine in the morning, and then shower and get ready for the day.

Fitness and Weight Loss
1. Rejoin the #riseandshine challenge. I choose both options, meaning I will eat my breakfast and exercise first thing when I get up. Also, I will get up before 8am... not 4pm, even on days that I have nothing going on outside of the house (also known to be called by me "unstructured days")
2. I will increase my Cardio to 30 min/day, 5 days per week, to be done in the morning after I get up.
3. I will eat less than 1550 calories a day. (Generous I know it is, but I've been going over)
4. Eat a min of 2fruits/vegs per day (Fast break goal)
5. Drink 8c of water/day (Fast break goal)
6. Keep up with SparkTeams: Butterfly People, Positive Bloggers, and Accountability Partnership to the Finish Line (and sparkcoach of course)
7. Keep up with Accountability Partners and report DAILY (it seems like if I skip one, or mean to post in the morning, I miss three, which is not good)

Daily Appearance
1. (told you it was embarrassing :( ) I will Shower, Shampoo, Scrub, Shave, Deodorize and Perfume myself EVERY DAY
2. I with get 1 haircut a minimum of once every two months.
3. I will use a facial cleanser twice a day
4. (embarrassing again) I will brush teeth, floss, and rinse a minimum of twice a day.
5. I will use skin softeners and lotions when needed
6. I will USE whatever makeup and cleansers I buy through Avon (currently shower gel, deodorant, perfume, facial cleanser, lip gloss, nail polish, and mascara-- I don't have a full makeup set yet, I 'm still working on it, because when I decided that I would do this my makeup was all 8 years old, so I threw it out, so I would have to buy fresh [my friend is selling Avon, so it seems like a win/win]) on a DAILY basis. Currently I'm only really good at using the nail polish, and that probably because it doesn't have to be done every day to look good. (At least I've quit biting my nails since i started painting them).
7. Once I am actively and consistently taking care of my teeth again, 2 to 4 weeks from now, I will use the teeth whitening system I purchased and see if it helps my teeth's color any.

Book Reading and Vocabulary/Knowledge Building
1. I will read a min of 15min to 30min a night before bed
2. I will keep a vocabulary notebook of new and interesting words/terms
3. I will limit my TV to a total of 7hrs per week. (One hour per day but allowing myself to bank them to use more on some days)
4. Use the books I've bought with crayons to mark don't know and want to come back to

Bible and Relationship
1. I will read in the bible, a min (cringe) of 1 ch per day
2. I will pick a book for devotions and read in it a minimum of 15 min a day.
3. Stop to consciously pray directly at least once per day

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TXPATRIOT 4/22/2013 7:03PM

    Lots of great goals! As JOHGLO says, be gentle with yourself. Changing a lot of things at once is good, but challenging. It can set ourselves up for disappointment.

You are a list person, so am I, but we also are human and need time to make routines and habits. Maybe pick a few of things to concentrate at a time.

If you can do all of this, I applaud you, but I would be totally overwhelmed by this list. I truly want the best for you and only say this because I care.


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JESSERMOVICK 4/19/2013 10:23AM

    Your goals are attainable, even if they appear overwhelming! Remember, we are here for you! emoticon

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JOHGLO2011 4/16/2013 9:56AM

    Sounds like you have quite a plan for yourself. :) That's all good, but don't be too hard on yourself if you aren't perfect - none of us are! Proud of you for getting back into this journey towards better health! Best Wishes! emoticon

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Sleep Struggle

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Most challenging was having an unstructured day and ending up spending NEARLY ALL of it in bed AGAIN.. Really, if I can''t get up and go, so many other things seem pointless because with sleeping, nothing else constructive is going to happen in that time. In some AA-related things I came across (not an alcoholic, just a fan of the 12 step, moderate lifestyle) they talk about knowing the will of God and making it simple based on things known. Earth-shattering and simple as it is, for an alcoholic God''s will is that they be sober.. Its something that can be inferred or assumed as a basic will. For me, Gods will might be that I stay awake. Obviously I can''t stay awake 24/7 but beyond the 8-10 hrs a night.. that I be awake, because I can''t do anything, work on myself, work for others, work on my goals and dreams, if I am sleeping the time away.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERNESS 4/14/2013 9:04PM

    So, we find all the reasons to fight depression, that heavy thing weighting you down from achieving, achieving your goals, your dreams. They may not be what they were, so make new, make it happen. You have the capacity, propensity, potential to be phenomenal..Yes, you could be one of the most phenomenal sleepers, but is that what you want to be remembered for? You can do this. You will do this. You are worth it, or I wouldn't waste my time!

AA makes some good points..but they also believe in letting someone hit rock bottom. Then go through humiliation to bring themselves back up (as if they hadn't already humiliated themselves enough). My argument is analogous to a house. If a roof is leaking, do you work quickly to fix that leak, or do you wait until it has crumbled to its very foundations and have to rebuild completely?! The rock bottom and back up again, also relies on acceptance into a group, and a buddy system. Now like some people with churches, that acceptance is all well and good, but when it starts to wane, they lose interest, and start 'backsliding' only to start this vicious circular codependency all over again of self abuse. Oh the prodigal anything, feted for returning...needing that surge of popularity and acceptance..only to do it all over again. Find out what gets you there to begin with..what twists in thinking..

See if your neighbor will jump rope with you? fun? LOL or something....get creative n silly. Have a blast!

Comment edited on: 4/27/2013 6:59:50 PM

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SparkCoach Action Step-A Phone Call to the Past, Part 2

Sunday, April 07, 2013

The next part of this exercise has me deciding what my future self would tell me at this moment if she was to reach back into the past and give me a phone call.

What I would tell myself at this point is, life requires that you get more independent and creative. These are scary things, but completely accomplishable and doable, and your life will be so much the richer for it. Sure getting a car is a scary, big expense, but the wheels will do so much for your life. Forrest, Nan, other friends, and your parents aren't going to be around forever. If you want to maintain your quality of life you are going to have to get creative. Being independent also prevents you from being at someone's mercy that requires large amounts of payment or who feels used by your needs.

It is okay to stand up for yourself and for having healthy relationships or none. No amount of afterthoughts and warm fuzzies make the occasional threat to yourself or your partner okay. It is alright to stand up for and to look for positive relationships. It is alright to let go of those relationships when they quit being healthy or positive.

You will find friends in your area if you work really hard at it. You will find people with your values and your beliefs and they will value you. Sick friendships are not worth the drain they cause spiritually, mentally, and the physical toll the stress takes on you. They are worse than none. Always look for soulmates in everything you do and everywhere you go. Remember that some people are gifted to you for a time and then you have to let them go on to another phase in their life. For all concerned. It does no good to let others treat you or your other half badly and it teaches them that bad manners are okay to use with other people as well.

I would tell myself, regardless of how many friends I have, to keep up the good work with the diet and exercise and healthy living. I would say it is worth it to keep up your appearance and to go on and make the best out of every moment. I would tell myself to take extra care of your other half. For people that understand you that well, there is only one granted you in a lifetime, and he is yours. Respect him, nurture him, and do as much to support his health as you can, because you only get one.

I would say that health is worth the effort of calorie restriction and extra exercise. I would say that I treasure each additional day I can spend with my family. I would say that my early effort to reduce my weight has resulted in me being able to use my joints longer without restrictions and difficulty in movement. I enjoy being able to eat freshly made entrees and salads made from scratch and the tastes of new foods that I've only learned about making through the changes I've experienced in my diet over the 10 years, and I would tell myself so.

I would enjoy dancing and moving swiftly. I would tell myself that I enjoy being attractive to my partner, even if religiously we are merely affectionate to each other instead of being sexually engaged. I would tell myself that it is worth it, to see the smile on his face when I come up with a new outfit or look or perfume that I like.

I would tell myself that the expense of a gym was worth it. As soon as I am able to save up and be consistent attending a place to go for it. I enjoy the treadmill, the machines, the balance ball, the kickboxing, the pool.. everything but the elliptical.. and even that is becoming more tolerable as time goes on. I enjoy packing my gym bag and looking for gently used exercise clothing at Goodwill, even though I could fit a normal store's sizes now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOHGLO2011 4/8/2013 10:10AM

    What a wonderful blog! Keep talking to yourself like that and you can only find success in your journey! Good luck and God bless!

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