Tuesday, February 19, 2013
So, SparkCoach has asked me to blog a little about my true motivations for weight loss today.
I think my primary reason for wanting to lose weight is aesthetic. I have this skinny image of me in my head and every time I see myself in a mirror it is a big shock. I want to be able to see myself without all the fat rolls. I realize, at my weight, that the fat rolls may be replaced by big skin folds, but that's a risk I'm ready to take. I don't feel desirable and I know I've lost my appeal to my SO that I live with, which is hard to do, considering he told me he likes women that are overweight.
Another thing is I am pre-diabetic and still somewhat scared of being on insulin. Everyone I know on insulin is overweight unless they are a type 1 diabetic, and that would not be me. I have diabetes on my father's side of the family. All of my greats on my Dad's side developed Diabetes whether they were overweight or not, except one, and that means six out of seven. All eventually had to use insulin. I may not be able to prevent diabetes, but I want to put it off for as long as possible.
I want to fit comfortably in people's cars and in amusement park rides. That center seat in the back that the belt is barely large enough for me, I want to not have to worry about whether I'm going to get it all the way over to the buckle or not. I want another adult to be able to fit in the amusement park seat next to me. I want the bars to latch, and I want it to not be painful the entire time I sit there.
I want to be able to shop for exercise clothes at normal stores. I don't want to have to go to Goodwill for the best selection of exercise clothing in my size. I want to be able to go into a sporting goods store or a regular store and try on clothing and have it fit me.
What I hope to achieve is a forestalling of my onset of Diabetes and as long a honeymoon period as I can get, and as long a time on pills before insulin as I can acquire for myself. What I hope to achieve is a further ability to go places and to sit in the swings again and feel weightless as my feet leave the ground, or my stomach to drop out from under me as I swing around on the "monster" at the Puyallup Fair. With clothes on, I want to look smashing again, and be able to wear a dress or shorts, without feeling like my legs look like stubby hams.
After reaching my goal I plan to remain a Sparker for as long as they offer it. Since it is a lifestyle change, I plan on using my experience to help others and to continue what I have started already. I plan on buying some new clothing and going to the Fall Fair to go on rides after I reach my goal weight. More than that, when I am close to my goal weight I am going to clear an item on my 'bucket list' and go to an anime convention in cosplay uniform (cosplay is short for 'costume play') I'm thinking of Orihime from Bleach in her Espada uniform, it is only $10 more to have it made to my measurements, if they are still in business when I lose the weight, so I'll have it made custom and take out the guesswork, whether I'd fit a S, M, or L.
As a secondary feature I'm hoping that I look more like someone to look up to at the school. You know the kids in 6th and 5th are really clued into the physical appearance of people and are starting to like boys etc. I'd like to look like someone cooler, that could be respected, rather than 'that fat blob on the corner that runs the checkout computer'. In all the time I've spent volunteering, (6 or 7 years) its only come up a few times, but I'd like it to not come up at all.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
So today's SparkCoach Visualization was all about the negative thoughts and emotions of the past week and what can be done if you can let go of all the negativity..
I think of the last week and how sick I was with stress over the Apartment Inspection we have annually.. people that know me from the various teams are probably sick of me talking about it.. but I was so scared.. and not just that we wouldn't pass.. I thought I wouldn't be able to punch through it and do my part and support my SO, Roger.. and then what his reaction would be afterward. I didn't want to make promises, so I kept my tongue in my head, and at one point he said resignedly "That's okay.. I'll just do it myself.. don't worry about it" Which made me feel like absolute gutter slime.
I've known that we passed for two days now, but the fear and dread hung over my and threatens to come back when I think about how I felt. At around 3 this morning I had a breakthrough and decided that my six word affirmation for today was "Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear" and remembering that seems to help in a way that telling myself I was being irrational just wasn't cutting it.
The other negativity I need to let go of today revolves around defending SparkPeople on a thread for needing to start charging a one-time fee for their iPhone and Android apps. I said my piece. I didn't think the other people on the SparkPeople message board would like it. I was right. I don't need to defend myself further.. actually that' right.. the next post made it about how I was reactionary.. so I would be defending myself and not my opinion.. and my opinion is okay, just as it is, even though it doesn't agree with theirs and I guess I started it, because I said I felt they were throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Which I guess is a bit personal as well. Still realizing that makes me feel better. I don't have to defend my opinion. It is valid just as it is.
What I can do without my fear and negativity?
Cleaning the apartment is actually loads easier when I'm not scared of some huge judgement or being written up if I do it wrong. I can focus on other things if I can leave the fear that did happen, in the past where it belongs. And I can be free to enjoy other posts and friendships than that one negative experience. In cool news, one of my life goals on my bucket list was to someday attend an anime convention in cosplay (costume play). Roger says that if I go to this horror convention with him and Marissa, that he will go to the anime convention with me next year....
I asked him if I can choose a different year.. It will take me over two years to get down to my ideal weight, even if everything goes according to schedule (which it never does). I don't have to be at my goal weight, but I have no idea how far I'll be next year or what I'll look like.. so I'd like it to at least be the year after next. That will also give me time to save up my pennies for a costume. I want to to be at least a "getting close to the goal weight" reward, since it would be such a rockin' one. That also gives me time to have my strength exercises firmly in place and in use for about a year..
So much good is in the world to seize, if I can only let go of the negative, because, oddly enough.. I can't seem to hold onto both at the same time
Sunday, February 03, 2013
SparkCoach has asked me to put together a list of meal ideas using the plate method of designing meals. For me, this looks like 1 quarter protein, 1 quarter starch, half fruits and vegetables, using a 8 or 9 inch plate, with a small source of dairy or non-dairy calcium on the side.
First I'd do a plate of sandwich fixings.. One slice of Italian bread (starch), 3 oz deli turkey (protein), 1 oz pepper jack cheese (dairy), 3 large leaves romaine lettuce, tomatoes, onion (vegetables) and 1c blueberries (fruit).
Second, a plate with corn (starch), tuna (protien), green beans (vegetable), pineapple (fruit), nonfat milk (dairy)
Third, around a crockpot meal (Wild Rice Hot Pot), wild rice (starch), chicken (protein), celery (vegetable), strawberries (fruit), ovaltine (dairy)
This is harder than it looks. I'll have to come back to it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
So when SparkCoach asked me to elaborate on 3 things I'd do off my bucket list if anything was possible, I had to stop short and think hard... Bucket List? Do I have a bucket list? No, I guess I don't. If I did have one, what would be on it? I think I've gotten in the habit of just slogging through days without much in the way of overall dreams. My goals are all mini and microgoals, other than losing weight. So what would be on it?
1. I want to take Roger to Disneyland or WaltDisneyWorld. He's never been.
2. I want to visit Japan
3. I'd like to visit the Vatican
4. I want to go to an anime convention in cosplay as something other than Kirby
5. I want to go on fairs and fit on the amusement rides again, ie the monster
6. I'd like to go to a concert for a christian band or singer again-last one was Carolyn Arends and I really enjoyed it
7. I want to go to Yellowstone again.
8. I'd like to go camping again.
So the SparkCoach Visualization asked what 3 things you would do if anything was possible? If anything was possible, I would take Roger to see WaltDisneyWorld in Florida, take him to Japan, and both go to see the Vatican. It also asks, what can you do to feel like that in your life today. I'm confused, does it mean what you can do to bring those into your life, or what you can do to feel like you can do anything today? If it is bringing those things into your life, I can bring various programs and effects (like pictures) into our lives to represent the goal and I can explore various foods from Japan. If it is feeling like you can do anything, I can work on some of my goals that I am having a hard time fulfilling. The more satisfaction I feel from accomplishing something I set out to do ahead of time, the more I will feel like I can accomplish in general.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
So far all I know is there has to be a better way. I sabotage myself with excuses why I can go back to sleep and then I sleep an entire day away instead of the 30 min to an hour nap I was planning. I go back to bed in the evening and repeat for three days straight (canceling going to church and having a 3 day weekend) and then have a night or two that I can't sleep at all.
There has to be some balance here. So I'm cutting back caffeine to before 1pm except eve tea, even that may go eventually (right now I'm worried about withdrawl from it). I am also discontinuing naps because I never know how long my body is going to decide to be out for. So I'm "saving all my sleepy tokens" for the night, when I should be a little more fatigued if I don't give into my fatigue before then.
At least the time awake has been productive. I've washed and dried three loads of laundry, gotten snacks and a breakfast, went to an appointment, and gone out grocery shopping with my father today. And I started SparkCoach, which I thought would be a waste of time since I'm such a beginner. I thought it would be for someone doing all the right things but plateauing, but I was wrong. It can be for someone like me too. My fast break goals are to eat fruits and vegetables, exercise to an active video game each day, and to get up without hitting the snooze (or napping) each day. I really liked it so I signed up permanently (or I hope it to be permanent anyway)
Balance, balance, always need to come back to the idea of balance and moderation.
And if you all have other ideas what I can do to get to sleep at the right times, for the right length of time, don't hesitate to comment!
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