Friday, February 22, 2013
This is an entry to tell myself what I would write in a letter if I was my own best friend.
I know you have trouble believing in your worth to society after your diagnosis changed to schizoaffective disorder. It felt like your world crashed, and sometimes you still feel that way, but I would say that you are so much more than what you can produce at a job. You are a daughter, a friend, a volunteer, a babysitter, a neighbor, a niece, a granddaughter, and the lives you touch are better for it.
I know it can be hard to be motivated to take care of yourself at times. It doesn't seem worth it or important enough to do or pay attention to. Well, it is important. You can't be all those things to all those people if you run yourself into the ground, and people are going to worry that you are relapsing if you can't even make yourself wash your hair in the morning. In the grand scheme of things, save up a few dollars here and there throughout the month and get yourself a haircut. You don't have to do it every month, but once a season would be better than the once a year trend that's starting to happen. Supercuts isn't that expensive, and you'll feel loads better after they shampoo your hair and massage your scalp and fuss over you a bit.
You aren't sleeping for all the time you are in bed trying to. That is obvious with the fitbit turned on. Try not to beat yourself up for spending longer periods than 7-8 hours in bed. Your fitbit is showing you are getting something like 5-7 hours when you only spend 8 in bed. Plus habits are a powerful force. I know you still want to reduce the time you are in bed, but it takes time to turn these things around. Just don't give up!
Don't ever give up! If "being consistent" is your watch word for the new year, and "being timely" is your watch word for Lent, then let "being persistent and constant" be a secondary word for this season. If you fall down, fine. Pick yourself back up and carry on. The Japanese have a proverb that says, "Fall down seven times, get up eight" I know you are tired of backsliding and starting over. SparkPeople has a saying as well, "If you are tired of starting over... QUIT GIVING UP!"
Above all you are a kind, caring, sensitive, intelligent, thoughtful, generous person who deserves to be happy. As much as you care about others, care about yourself. It's okay. You were made Imago Deo, in the image of God, and are infinitely worthwhile. There will never be another person like you, with the same talents, abilities, experiences, personality, and thoughts. That being said you are not alone. If you take a tiny cross-section of what makes you you, you will find others who can relate to that same thing.
Look at your SparkTeam. It is a cross section of two things: a medical condition and a love for SparkPeople. And now there are 65 members, where you wondered if there would be anybody! Although most choose not to post, that is 65 people who mostly share the same condition you have, who are involved in improving their lives and becoming healthier individuals.
Anytime you feel lonely, all you have to do is reach out your hand and there will be help and support for it. I am here if you need me. Just let me know.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Thanks, KOFFEENUT, for passing this along!
"Copy and Paste into your own blog, change the answers to suit you. Get an easy three SparkPoints, and help your SparkFriends get to know you.”
Where is my cell phone?
Somewhere in my house, I'm not sure where
Also at my apartment, probably on the sofa, watching tv
long (past the shoulder) length, brown hair that is scraggly and needs a haircut
Living about an hour away from me. Should be home from work by now.
Lives with my mother about an hour away. Retired.
Your favorite thing?
It changes and is hard to put down to one thing.
(Gadget?Fitbit Deity?the Christian one Person?Spouse Animal? My Dog)
Your dream last night?
Too confusing for words...
SF NF Mocha, no whip
What room are you in?
The neighbor's dining room
SparkPeople, volunteering, housework, counseling
Spiders, Ticks, and Snakes
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Basically right where I am. Except thinner, much, much, thinner
... And with serious muscles.. and a gym membership
Where were you last night?
Sleeping and Sparkpeople
Something that you aren't?
friendly to strangers
(I learned that one today while I was going home when I nearly bit off two strangers, that, as it turns out, just wanted to ask me to smile, better rethink that one before
I get the SparkPeople T-shirts I'm ordering next month! Yowch!)
No muffins, but I haven't tried Chef Meg's muffins yet. I might have to say yes for those
Wish list item?
In two or three years I'm going to be down to close to goal weight and I am going to treat myself to a custom-made costume of Orihime from Bleach in her Espada uniform and attend an anime convention in it.
In five or six years, if they are still around, I am going to treat myself to a BodyMedia Fit device.
Last thing you did?
What are you wearing?
Light blue denim blouse with Ovaltine splashed on it, burgandy fitbit affixed to the left pocket, blue jeans that feel like they were MADE for me, that I got for 1.29 at Goodwill, and white Dr.Scholls' tennis shoes from Walmart
Mickey, who is going to hate me for being away after I get back home
A few, but that is their story, so I'll have to leave it to them to tell
Good, no complaints
Wishing I had more email to respond to that wasn't Spam
Sometimes, particularly long ago, but not now
Water, Diet Soda, and mixtures half to a quarter part fruit juice to the rest being sparkling water
no car, walking and the bus
Something you're not wearing?
A hat. I've heard you should always wear one in cold weather and I still don't have one this winter
Your favorite store?
Winco. Bargain eats saved our grocery budget to no end!
Your favorite color?
When is the last time you cried?
I don't remember. I usually don't cry unless I'm scared spitless.
Five people who email me regularly?
Ebay, Walmart, SparkPeople, GameStop, Fitbit, Fitocracy
OOOH people.. Roberta, Valerie, Alice and that's about it
Favorite place to eat?
Applebees WeightWatcher and under 550 calorie selections
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Right here.. this is kind of my "me" time, after the neighbors leave
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
So, SparkCoach has asked me to blog a little about my true motivations for weight loss today.
I think my primary reason for wanting to lose weight is aesthetic. I have this skinny image of me in my head and every time I see myself in a mirror it is a big shock. I want to be able to see myself without all the fat rolls. I realize, at my weight, that the fat rolls may be replaced by big skin folds, but that's a risk I'm ready to take. I don't feel desirable and I know I've lost my appeal to my SO that I live with, which is hard to do, considering he told me he likes women that are overweight.
Another thing is I am pre-diabetic and still somewhat scared of being on insulin. Everyone I know on insulin is overweight unless they are a type 1 diabetic, and that would not be me. I have diabetes on my father's side of the family. All of my greats on my Dad's side developed Diabetes whether they were overweight or not, except one, and that means six out of seven. All eventually had to use insulin. I may not be able to prevent diabetes, but I want to put it off for as long as possible.
I want to fit comfortably in people's cars and in amusement park rides. That center seat in the back that the belt is barely large enough for me, I want to not have to worry about whether I'm going to get it all the way over to the buckle or not. I want another adult to be able to fit in the amusement park seat next to me. I want the bars to latch, and I want it to not be painful the entire time I sit there.
I want to be able to shop for exercise clothes at normal stores. I don't want to have to go to Goodwill for the best selection of exercise clothing in my size. I want to be able to go into a sporting goods store or a regular store and try on clothing and have it fit me.
What I hope to achieve is a forestalling of my onset of Diabetes and as long a honeymoon period as I can get, and as long a time on pills before insulin as I can acquire for myself. What I hope to achieve is a further ability to go places and to sit in the swings again and feel weightless as my feet leave the ground, or my stomach to drop out from under me as I swing around on the "monster" at the Puyallup Fair. With clothes on, I want to look smashing again, and be able to wear a dress or shorts, without feeling like my legs look like stubby hams.
After reaching my goal I plan to remain a Sparker for as long as they offer it. Since it is a lifestyle change, I plan on using my experience to help others and to continue what I have started already. I plan on buying some new clothing and going to the Fall Fair to go on rides after I reach my goal weight. More than that, when I am close to my goal weight I am going to clear an item on my 'bucket list' and go to an anime convention in cosplay uniform (cosplay is short for 'costume play') I'm thinking of Orihime from Bleach in her Espada uniform, it is only $10 more to have it made to my measurements, if they are still in business when I lose the weight, so I'll have it made custom and take out the guesswork, whether I'd fit a S, M, or L.
As a secondary feature I'm hoping that I look more like someone to look up to at the school. You know the kids in 6th and 5th are really clued into the physical appearance of people and are starting to like boys etc. I'd like to look like someone cooler, that could be respected, rather than 'that fat blob on the corner that runs the checkout computer'. In all the time I've spent volunteering, (6 or 7 years) its only come up a few times, but I'd like it to not come up at all.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
So today's SparkCoach Visualization was all about the negative thoughts and emotions of the past week and what can be done if you can let go of all the negativity..
I think of the last week and how sick I was with stress over the Apartment Inspection we have annually.. people that know me from the various teams are probably sick of me talking about it.. but I was so scared.. and not just that we wouldn't pass.. I thought I wouldn't be able to punch through it and do my part and support my SO, Roger.. and then what his reaction would be afterward. I didn't want to make promises, so I kept my tongue in my head, and at one point he said resignedly "That's okay.. I'll just do it myself.. don't worry about it" Which made me feel like absolute gutter slime.
I've known that we passed for two days now, but the fear and dread hung over my and threatens to come back when I think about how I felt. At around 3 this morning I had a breakthrough and decided that my six word affirmation for today was "Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear" and remembering that seems to help in a way that telling myself I was being irrational just wasn't cutting it.
The other negativity I need to let go of today revolves around defending SparkPeople on a thread for needing to start charging a one-time fee for their iPhone and Android apps. I said my piece. I didn't think the other people on the SparkPeople message board would like it. I was right. I don't need to defend myself further.. actually that' right.. the next post made it about how I was reactionary.. so I would be defending myself and not my opinion.. and my opinion is okay, just as it is, even though it doesn't agree with theirs and I guess I started it, because I said I felt they were throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Which I guess is a bit personal as well. Still realizing that makes me feel better. I don't have to defend my opinion. It is valid just as it is.
What I can do without my fear and negativity?
Cleaning the apartment is actually loads easier when I'm not scared of some huge judgement or being written up if I do it wrong. I can focus on other things if I can leave the fear that did happen, in the past where it belongs. And I can be free to enjoy other posts and friendships than that one negative experience. In cool news, one of my life goals on my bucket list was to someday attend an anime convention in cosplay (costume play). Roger says that if I go to this horror convention with him and Marissa, that he will go to the anime convention with me next year....
I asked him if I can choose a different year.. It will take me over two years to get down to my ideal weight, even if everything goes according to schedule (which it never does). I don't have to be at my goal weight, but I have no idea how far I'll be next year or what I'll look like.. so I'd like it to at least be the year after next. That will also give me time to save up my pennies for a costume. I want to to be at least a "getting close to the goal weight" reward, since it would be such a rockin' one. That also gives me time to have my strength exercises firmly in place and in use for about a year..
So much good is in the world to seize, if I can only let go of the negative, because, oddly enough.. I can't seem to hold onto both at the same time
Sunday, February 03, 2013
SparkCoach has asked me to put together a list of meal ideas using the plate method of designing meals. For me, this looks like 1 quarter protein, 1 quarter starch, half fruits and vegetables, using a 8 or 9 inch plate, with a small source of dairy or non-dairy calcium on the side.
First I'd do a plate of sandwich fixings.. One slice of Italian bread (starch), 3 oz deli turkey (protein), 1 oz pepper jack cheese (dairy), 3 large leaves romaine lettuce, tomatoes, onion (vegetables) and 1c blueberries (fruit).
Second, a plate with corn (starch), tuna (protien), green beans (vegetable), pineapple (fruit), nonfat milk (dairy)
Third, around a crockpot meal (Wild Rice Hot Pot), wild rice (starch), chicken (protein), celery (vegetable), strawberries (fruit), ovaltine (dairy)
This is harder than it looks. I'll have to come back to it.
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