Wednesday, November 05, 2014
fault 1. INGRATITUDE best friend response: chemical imbalance that you are working on
Today as I was thinking about my mood and my inability to find cheer or get excited about things I normally do, I found myself thinking how ungrateful I am, with everything I have. It is true. I live in the first world and have first world problems plus more"things" and "love" than I could ever deserve.. but as I was thinking I remembered a private message I sent to someone on crunchyroll who was saying the same things and about how she was so galled at how she could be so ungrateful, and I told her that gratitude has nothing to do with it. That part of the sting of depression is knowing how ridiculous it is and that other people do the same things without even exerting conscious energy to do them.
I've known for a long time I have clinical depression so that isn't news to me. What's news to me is being stuck on the very same thing I counseled this other girl on, and it seemed to obvious to me. So I know what I would have said. I would have said, keep at it! Wait for the meds to build back up (I switched taking my anti-depressants from night to day, because they are supposed to be more effective that way.. but I'd originally switched them to night, because I wasn't remembering to take them in the morning after I woke up. When I counted pills when I should have been out, I'd missed at least half my doses. I troubleshooted with an accountability partner I set up on another site and we've got that fixed now, but I have to wait at least a month to a month and a half before I'm on the med like I should be) wait for your anemia results and go from there.. Do what you can and then relax, because its NOT all under your control and stressing is just going to make you worse.
Monday, November 03, 2014
Why do I want to write? I'm not sure really. The wish to write comes in waves, and ebbs and flows and goes away again. It's almost like a compulsion. I remember being in high school, totally obsessed by my dark poetry that seem to be just dripping and oozing from my veins.
Now come light obsessions to document everything. I feel in some way, like I want everything out there, so that if anything happens to me, people will know what happened and why. From an early age I thought I would flare out and die young and it surprises me to know that in 12 years I will be 50, not bad for a life. I want to go until 100, but I never really thought I would make it this far. I almost didn't.
I started a blog, which I've taken a hiatus from, to document the tools that help me, but it denigrated into something about kvetching about my current state and DSHS paperwork, which is not what I intended at first. I think I want to go back, but I need to figure out how to reign it in and talk about the more positive aspects of my life before I do that.
I never thought I would have followers, but I have near 20 people who aren't family or friends who read my stuff when I post it. That's a little daunting in itself. I didn't make the pages private, because I thought no one who didn't know me would be interested, but I was relying too much on the anonymity of the web I guess because I have followers, whether I want them or not. I've also received the ubiquitous blogger awards. Now that I've gotten three I realize that they're pretty much like chain letters, but still.. it was encouraging when I got the first one.
I think I want to write because I want to deconstruct this life of mine, figure out what is working, and jettison what isn't. And if possible, I want my findings to be useful to other people.
At first I got all heady and thought that what I was doing was special since people were following me, but I tried to reach out to a few of the followers and was rebuffed because I am no longer chronically suicidal. I need to re-examine why I get involved and let the blog be for me, and then if I have the emotional wherewithal I can send out encouraging comments on other people's work.
But that isn't my raison d'etre. I think I need to discover how to hold onto my *main* thing. As Pastor Troy would say, "We need to keep the main thing, the main thing" And for me right now, that is examining my life and figuring out how to make it better, so that's why I want to write..
Sunday, April 13, 2014
"Always we begin again"
(And again)..thus begins the rule of Saint Benedict and the Benedictines. I am still extremely fascinated by them.. and it seems especially apt for this blog. Blogs are a nemesis to me because Iím not consistent enough to keep them going. My lack of constancy in general over days, weeks, and months, was surprisingly repetitive over a period of years. Strangely enough, I live and learn in ďcycles,Ē one thing striking my fancy for weeks and days, only to be replaced by the next thing that I abandoned ere ago, for the following period. This is something brought to my attention by others around me. I didnít notice it on my own, but it makes sense now. It is not a successful way to go about doing things. It is born of disorganization and a sustained lack of focus.
Barbara Sher mentioned this type of shifting in one of her PBS Specials in the 1990′s and suggested that people divide the year up so they can pursue more than one type of goal. I didnít realize this cycling was true of me, so I didnít pay much attention to that part of her speech. So far I recognize some of my interests, but the time they are pursued varies according to my attention span, and my attention span needs work.
This blog is therefore an attempt to undo the cycles of interest and plan them all within the same week or month period of time. Though this may seem impossible, I think I can up what I do by reducing the hours I spend asleep. My ultimate goal is to quit marathoning goals and interests, since that leads to dropping them while still incomplete. Leaving as much incomplete as I usually do is crushingly embarrassing to me, so Iím hoping to make finishing a habit that I can hold onto.
I will try to make the writing descriptive, but Iím not sure it will be interesting. Iím hoping my family members and some friends will read it. My goal is to blog at least once a month. I feel confident I can do at least that much because WordPress can be set up to remind you to write. And I have. If I was Buddhist or Hindu I could write something here of being made free from the endless cycles of rebirth.. Because I want to be free of the endless cycle of running and not getting anywhere!! I want to be Born Again into a new Creation! One that can help me create and live with the Creatorís design in mind. I want the graph of my life to look like I am climbing toward the top of a set of foothills and a mountain rather than a spiral up or down!
(I've reposted my WordPress post here for SparkPeople users.. )
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Now how ever would one get a devotion out of Halloween?
I will pass on the gist of a small devotion I heard this morning..
There are three major holidays in Fall..
Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas (and I would argue that they segue into the New Year)
In Halloween we deal with all the fears that Satan may have in store for us. We focus on the good things about the harvest and give to God the core of darkness that is the holiday.
After our fear is dealt with, we move onto Thanksgiving. We focus on our gratitude and the good things in our lives. We realize how many blessings we have in our life and how fortunate we are.
In our gratitude for the blessings and gifts of life we finally move onto recognizing THE GIFT, the Christ child, born to be broken for us and to redeem us for all eternity. We give gifts to each other and gather with family and friends to let them know we love them and to be a little of that giving spirit, to shine and be Christ for them in the season.
The one I would add is the New Year. Christ then makes us new, revitalizing us and making us new creations in his image as we accept his Gift, given to us in grace.
Original idea by Bryn Shoffstall
Sunday, July 21, 2013
As I make excuses, I am going to add them to the list, post comments and answers. The idea being that once I've used one excuse in a goal area, I can't use it again.
As much as I've hated this down time. It became apparent to me that my goal areas have all shifted in priority level. The only thing that is the same is that my book reading is on the bottom of my priority list.. but its hanging in there.
So, without further ado, in list of priority:
1.) No one is going to see me anyway!
---I see me everyday. And Roger sees me everyday! And LuAnn doesn't see me, but she told me to do it every morning as part of my LifeCoaching stuff. If that's not enough reason, several books and articles say that you act different if you put on your makeup and look good than if you stay all slovenly and slobbish.
1.)I just don't feel like working out today!
--Lets face it, do you feel like doing most things you do in a day? No, but a lot of them, don't you feel better after you do them? Yes. You don't have to like it to begin with, you just have to do it, and you will feel better afterward.
1.) I am too tired to get it done this late at night!
--Were you too tired when you watched Episode 1 of King of Dramas off of Drama Fever? That was an hour and three minutes you could have used toward laundry or the room. Its not so bad if you use dramas and facebook and such as rewards, but do the work to earn them in the first place?!? Then you won't be wondering what to do with your time and you'll be more productive in your life.
Book Reading Goals
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