Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Well, this weekend my girlfriend and I sat and made some life goals, wrote them out and everything. I hope that helps. But my idea for my weight loss/get healthy journey, is that since it's been derailed so badly maybe I should just re-set my goals and just start over. I just found out there is an option to do that. Maybe that will give me a good clean slate to start from again. What do you think?
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
So I'm still trudging through my days. I think I've lost a little weight. Not much. Certainly not enough to crow about. But still...I can see it in my face. And that is a start. I am going to be seeing a professional soon. It's not as easy as you think though. At least not for me. I'm a therapist myself, so I know most of the ones here. And I can't go to one of them and spill my guts. That would just be weird. Besides, I'm not sure if that would be crossing any ethical boundaries or not. OR maybe I'm just trying to come up with excuses? Austin is a big place after all. I'm sure I don't know ALL the therapists out there. And I work in a specialized area that isn't depression. So I bet I'd be safe. I don't know.
I've got a lot of self doubt, self-dislike, and just yuckiness going on . My relationship is basically falling apart to top it all off. I've taken my engagement ring off, and I'm thinking it's for good. I hate it and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. I don't want this to be over. But I don't want to go on with my life the way it is either. I'll be honest, I've had a lot of not so great thoughts rolling around my head lately. I've talked to my girlfriend about it and usually get understanding and support. But when I've talked to her it's more in the sense of "I've been having bad thoughts and it scares me and I don't like it", so it's cushioned and I guess easier to hear. Well tonight one of those not so great thoughts blurted out of my mouth. I don't know why, it just did. And in response I got .. well...you know that sound that a person makes in a "you're so stupid I can't believe you said that" moment, kind of like air puffing through your lips in a backwards hiccup? ..well I got that sound followed by basically 'a lot of good that would do....' kind of statement. I shot back (and yes I know it was dumb) with 'I just won't say anything anymore' and she said "It's all mostly negative anyway". I can't describe the hurt I felt. And then this odd numb feeling. It was a blow I never ever expected. I love her with everything that I am. We've made a life together that I love, even when I don't, if that makes any sense. I knew from the start that she was the other half that my soul had been quietly waiting for.(sigh) I don't know what to do right now. The old me would say "It will all work out the way it's supposed to" and I would have faith in that and never doubt it.
I DO know that I feel so off balance. My weight is making me crazy. I feel completely emotionally and spiritually out of whack. The spiritual part is bugging me a lot lately. I just mentioned to someone on one of my SP teams that when you are out of whack spiritually it can make everything else chaotic too. Well I got to thinking about that and I think that's part of my problem too. A big part of it. I need to get back in touch with my path and start living it like I used to. I think that will help me a lot.
I know my wieght loss journey is very important. But I think until I get all my other elements to align again that nothing is really going to budge too much, no matter how much I want it to. Maybe that is the lesson to be learned here. Get my inner self back on track before my outter self and really re-shape. Does that make any sense at all?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Ok, as you can see on my page, I'm a member of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam. I posted a kind of long deal on there a bit ago and thought it pretty much summed things up. So I'm just copying it on to here.
Ok. I need help. I feel lost. Not just lost, but trapped. Maybe this sounds stupid, but I feel trapped in my own body. I was doing so very well until this depression thing hit me those months back. I don't know where I would have been without the wonderful people on this team. You helped me realize what was happen to me. So I got on Effexor XR and I'm doing better. But my weightloss journey completely derailed durning that time period and I can't seem to get it back. I've gained all my weight back. I feel disgusting. My back hurts all the time. I just feel so horrible. I'm begging my partner for hep but she's told me before that she'll help and then doesn't follow through. When I don't think about it (which is very rare) I feel beautiful, I feel like the person I know is inside all this fat. But then I look in the mirror and see how big I am and just feel sick at my stomach. My partner tells me I'm beautiful and she loves me and all that, and it's great, but I don't feel those things. I want to be athletic and healthy and ..well..let's be honest here..I want to be attractive and fit into non-plus size normal clothes. Have you ever seen the poster that says "there's a skinny person inside screaming to get out"? Well there really is. I don't want to be skinny skinny. Just healthy and athletic. But I just can't seem to get back on track. Money, time, my job, stress ..I feel like I'm under a mountain and can't dig my way out. I read all the motivational stuff on here. I love it. I feel motivated but I can't get my mind to make my body do what I want it to do.
I'm going on an on here. I'm sorry. I just need help, suggestions..a lifeline of somekind cause I'm sinkin' fast here.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Ok so I'm still not able to work out. From the looks of it I"m hoping by the end of the week!! Cross your fingers for me!
Thank you for the kind words on my tattoo! It does suck but it was a learning experience. I learned never to go to Platinum Ink again! EVER! LOL
I'm contemplating changing my eating habits again. I'm considering going for an aketogenic (sp???) diet. Not exactly Adkins, but sort of similar. A friend of mine is doing it and loves it. Says she's got more energy than every and feels great! I'm thinking...more energy? I want more energy!!!! I don't know...just something I'm thinking about.... any comments?
Monday, October 15, 2007
Ok so you may have noticed that I haven't been around for about a week or so. Here's the scoop.
I was doing great! I was up to 20 minutes on my Walking DVD and doing my strength training on my planned nights. I was having so much fun with it! And was starting to feel so good. I'm proud of me! I did it for 7 straight days! I know that doesn't sound like much to some people but to me that is a BIG deal! And everyone I work with up here at nights was great. We'd be working out basically around the same time. It was fun! But the disaster struck....
I went down on a on September 30th and got a tattoo on my wrist. I loved it! Or so I thought. This isn't my first tattoo either. But the tattoo artist gave me something called "Tat Wax" and gave me the following instructions: "Wash your tattoo every 4 hours with Dial Anti-bacterial soap (the orange kind) under cool water for 7-10 days. Gently dry it with a clean paper towel and put on a thin layer of Tat Wax. Let it sit for 10 minutes then gently dab it off. Again do this for 7-10 days. Then stop using the wax and get Lubriderm lotion and use that." So I did. Followed these instructions to the letter!!! I noticed my tattoo area felt very tight and very painful. This wasn't normal I thought. But I rationalized it that since it was located in a place that is often used that perhaps it would be more painful for a while. The tattoo itself also didn't look quite right to me. It looked tight and like a huge scap was on it and very dry. But still I kept to the instructions and thought that this person knew what he was talking about. On the following Sunday I got sick. Ended up in bed at 3 pm and slept until 7 the next morning, I missed work!!! I thought it was heat exhaustion because I had been outside doing yard work all day. But the next morning I went about my life. I stopped and bought this Lubriderm ( this is what I usually use on my tattoos anyway from the start!) Well as soon as I put the lotion on, my skin softened up and I felt at least some relief. By 7:30pm that night there was a bubble on the surface of it, I pushed on it a bit and out poured pus!! Well I drained it as much as possible. Then started feeling upset in my tummy. At 8pm I asked Crystal to take me to the hospital. I was in a lot of pain and not feeling good at all. Well the Doctor said I have a bacterial infection, possibly 2 of them. She gave me a tetanus shot, a pain killer, and 2 different nasty antibiotics. And she said I can't work out until it's healed because my body will heat up and get sweaty and that breeds infection. Not to mention that the pain would increase with the blood pumping through that area. Just freaking wonderful huh? And get this, I got back to Platinum Ink (where I got it done) to let them know what happened. The first guy I spoke to was really nice and concerned. He went to the back for a moment. Came back out and told me that the owner wouldn't be in for a few days but the hang out if I wanted to because the artist who did it would like to hear from me. So I hung out. Well a door opens, a puff of pot smoke comes billowing out (along with the smell), and up to the counter walks who I assume is the owner. This person proceeds to tell me that it was all my fault!! That I must have done something or come in contact with something because he has NEVER heard of anyone getting an infection like that! What an absolute load of droppings that is! He then said "You probably picked it up at work" I said "Not likely, I'm a Social Worker and sit at a desk...." he cut me off and said "Do you have any idea what kind a stuff is on a desk" I said " as a matter of fact I do.." he cut me off again and said "you do? Well tell me then! There are so many different things ... We auto-clave everything here." at this point he was honestly raising his voice to me! I said " Look! I was in the medical field for 15 years and I know a thing or two about infections and germs and bacteria. I wipe my desk down at least twice a day with clorox and lysol. I followed every instruction I was given. I did NOT pick this up outside of here. I just came in to let you guys know. I wasn't asking for anything or going to do anything. But now, I need that sheet of paper that has the Health departments number on it. I need to make a call" He handed it to me and I walked out. I was never so angry in all my life!! And just for those who don't know, in Texas anyway, tattoo parlors are supposed to use new needles. Auto-claving leaves room for error and infection. That's why hospitals no longer use them. A tattooists are supposed to use NEW everything on each person. Gggrrrrrr......
So until I'm all healed I can't do squat!
The good news you ask....my tattoo is salvagable! But I have to wait at least a month before going to a different place to have it fixed.
Well.... that's all for now folks!
Have a Wonderful Day!
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