On Thursday morning I weighed myself. I have been in a bad place every since then. Gods it's so hard to write this, but, I weighed in at 289.5 pounds!! 2 years ago I weighed 288 pounds even. I worked on it and lost some weight. Felt pretty good about myself. Now I feel like I just hit a wall. I feel disgusting. I have never been this big. I didn't go to the meeting because I felt so humiliated and embarrassed. Even though I know the group is called "100+ pounds or more to lose" and that all the women there are big, I still felt so humiliated and ashamed.
To top that off, Crystal was laid off at her job on Friday due to budget cuts. They laid off a total of 9 people so far because of the economy. We are not horribly freaked out about this. We know it will end up being ok. With unemployment and stuff we will be ok. But it does add to the pressure on me and my weight struggle. Eating healthy is expensive and where I had planned to go to work out a couple times a week (with my best college friend at her apartment complex for free) costs gas money so I can't go. So I'm feeling pretty down about that. Defeated is more the word. I get it all set up and then BAM! knocked down again. I can't walk outdoors in Austin. My allergies and the heat prevent me from being able to breathe outside for long. So working out with Pen was the ideal situation! Treadmill and weight lighting and stationary bikes. It was perfect. UGH! this blows. Again I know in my heart we will financially be ok but I would feel intensely guilty if I spend the gas money or the extra expensive on the healthier foods. Which brings up a question...what the hell does it cost more to eat healthy when garbage foods are dirt cheap, raise your cholesterol and make you fat causing health issues with cost more on the economy and so on and so forth. Less stuff goes into healthy food so why does it have to cost more than stuff packed with tons of salt and preservative and HFCS and extra un-needed packaging? It's so frustrating!
(sigh) Sorry this isn't the most cheerful blog, this just has me spinning!
I am happy to report that my sister is doing well! So far so good!
I have been so busy settling into my new home! It's been a bit hectic but I love it. It's all so exciting! We moved in with nothing in the way of furniture or kitchen stuff or anything. We had our clothes. We bought 2 air mattresses and some cooking pots. We ate off paper plates! LOL It was like the best camping trip ever! LOL Now we have a little of our stuff from Louisiana. Our kitchen things mainly. We also got a nice couch and love seat off craigslist (don't ya just love that!). Our air mattresses have sprung leaks, but that's ok! We are hoping to get to Louisiana in the next month to bring the rest of our stuff home and when we do there are 2 beds waiting for us over there. So hopefully soon! We really love the house! I still don't have photos but I hope to soon.
I am going to my first Lots To Lose Meet-up on Sunday. I was going to go last month but didn't have a way to get there. I'm really looking forward to this. I put on so much weight in Louisiana. My body just hurts all the time. I get winded just walking across the room! Ugh. But it will get better I just know it! I've decided to start a savings account to build my own home gym. I've wasted a lot of money on gym memberships and it's fruitless because I never make time to go and I feel so uncomfortable going to those places with all the skinny girl and hard body guys. Someday though! I'll walk into those places with my head held high and look just as good as they do! LOL Crystal and I are planning to start walking around our neighborhood in the evenings. But, to be honest, I lack the motivation... and the shoes. All I have are my Converse and a pair of hiking boots. Not the most comfortable or foot healthy shoes to walk in! I get cramps in the arch of my right foot and in my right calf when I try. Any suggestions on this until I can get new walking shoes?
Well that is all for now! I hope everyone is well!
I wanted to add something here. I haven't been on a scale in a while because I'm scared of what it will tell me. But I am going to face that demon tomorrow morning! I have too! I have been considering surgery lately. A lot! Either a Gastric Bypass or a lap band. I'd love to hear my SP friend's and family's thoughts on this. I'm just getting desperate.
Soooo UPDATE TIME!!! Life is beautiful!! It really is! I have re-fallen in love with life!
We found a house! I will take pictures and post them when I can get a chance (and a computer capable of handling it)! But I love it. It is an older home with a HUGE yard that I get to work and play in. We are not just renting... oh no... WE ARE OWNING!!!! WOOO HOOO!!! Who'd of thought this? I sure didn't. But we are very happy and excited.
I have found a group of Solitaries that I have begun meeting with every week! I just love them! We each have our own path and are enjoying learning about each other and each other's beliefs and practices. Two of the women there were both over 250 pounds at one time. I would have NEVER guessed that. So we have that dynamic also since they know I'm struggling with my weight. They are very supportive and we discuss healthy lifestyles and what worked for them and so on. I feel more grounded than I ever have here.
I have also found a meetup group called Lots To Lose for those needing to lose 100+ pounds. I'm close to that so I joined. I haven't attended a meeting yet. But I'm looking very forward to it. I attend my first one on the 14th of April! I will be blogging about those meetings and what I've learned!
My daughter, Jordon, is doing great! She is attending high school and being a normal teenager! She is happy to be home and we are rebuilding our lives. She still has some issues to work through with all that happened, but she is honestly doing very well! I'm so proud of her for all the hard work she has been doing.
Crystal and I are doing well too! We are stronger than ever! She found a great job and is happy. I have restarted my Medical Transcription courses (hope to finish those soon). Things are finally, finally looking up.
One request: My sister is going in for surgery today at 1:50pm. She is having a j-pouch put in after ulcerative colitis took her colon. She has been in a lot of pain and hasn't been able to eat well. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers (what ever those may be). My prayer is that her surgery is successful, her pain goes away and she will be able to have a healthy happy life after this. She deserves it!
I just had to write again. Today I got to go outside and play in mulch and dirt! Kim and Michelle were outside doing yard work. I keep telling them that I want to help around the house and outdoors but they never tell when they are doing it. Kim says she doesn't want to bother me or ask for my help. Well, today I caught them in the act! So I joined them! They got black mulch and I put it in the little flower bed out front and by the front walk. I helped clear away some dead leaves and pull some weeds. I had so much fun! It felt so good! It's still cool enough here to be outside without burning up! It felt good just being outdoors and doing something! I just loved it!!!
Tracy.. yeah FB is such an addictive place..just like SP!!! LOL
Well just wanted to stop in. I'm not doing much. Crystal is out of town for the weekend. I'm bored and lonely.
I went to meetup.com and signed up for a couple volleyball meetups, a tennis meetup, a meditation meetup, a wellness meetup, and a women's healthy weight loss meetup along with a few others! I'm hoping it will help me get out of the house and get to living like I want to!