IRISHRAVEN   9,211
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(SCREECHING BREAKS AND CRASHING SOUNDS) I hit a wall...hard!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

On Thursday morning I weighed myself. I have been in a bad place every since then. Gods it's so hard to write this, but, I weighed in at 289.5 pounds!! 2 years ago I weighed 288 pounds even. I worked on it and lost some weight. Felt pretty good about myself. Now I feel like I just hit a wall. I feel disgusting. I have never been this big. I didn't go to the meeting because I felt so humiliated and embarrassed. Even though I know the group is called "100+ pounds or more to lose" and that all the women there are big, I still felt so humiliated and ashamed.

To top that off, Crystal was laid off at her job on Friday due to budget cuts. They laid off a total of 9 people so far because of the economy. We are not horribly freaked out about this. We know it will end up being ok. With unemployment and stuff we will be ok. But it does add to the pressure on me and my weight struggle. Eating healthy is expensive and where I had planned to go to work out a couple times a week (with my best college friend at her apartment complex for free) costs gas money so I can't go. So I'm feeling pretty down about that. Defeated is more the word. I get it all set up and then BAM! knocked down again. I can't walk outdoors in Austin. My allergies and the heat prevent me from being able to breathe outside for long. So working out with Pen was the ideal situation! Treadmill and weight lighting and stationary bikes. It was perfect. UGH! this blows. Again I know in my heart we will financially be ok but I would feel intensely guilty if I spend the gas money or the extra expensive on the healthier foods. Which brings up a question...what the hell does it cost more to eat healthy when garbage foods are dirt cheap, raise your cholesterol and make you fat causing health issues with cost more on the economy and so on and so forth. Less stuff goes into healthy food so why does it have to cost more than stuff packed with tons of salt and preservative and HFCS and extra un-needed packaging? It's so frustrating!

(sigh) Sorry this isn't the most cheerful blog, this just has me spinning!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GINW1977 4/23/2009 5:33PM

    Ok. Take the advice you've given me and turn it around on yourself right now! You are NOT disgusting! It is NOT hopeless! You have nothing to be humiliated or ashamed about. You've had a really hard year emotionally, and it is impossible to concentrate on yourself with such circumstances. You know what you have to do. Eat the best you can within your budget. I know you like to eat only organic, but you are correct that it is an expensive diet, which is ridiculous. As far as exercise goes, you don't have to have a gym. I know that working out with Penny would be more fun and easier to do, but you can do exercise at home for now. I am sure Crystal will have another job in no time, and you can go on with your original plan. You can do this.

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SPARKLEMAMMY 4/20/2009 6:03PM

    Well TRACYZABELLE's great post below me says it all.
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Try setting your self 7lb goals then it will not all seem to be so daunting for you


Comment edited on: 4/20/2009 6:06:04 PM

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TRACYZABELLE 4/20/2009 1:42AM

    OH I know what you mean. I am so very sorry about Crystal's job situation but they said when one door is closed another one opens right? As far as working out with your girlfriend, why not do exercising with Crystal at home? After all she will be able to spend time with you. THere are so many spark routines and exercises to do and some that you can do with a partner.

Remember.. POSITIVE self talk always! Do not put yourself down, we all slip and slide back at times, you will beat this thing! I know you will!

As far as eating healthy, I know it is rough on a limited budget but look at the bruised and battered vegs and fruits- they may look ugly but they are cheap and usable. Also look into ANgel food ministries and see if they service your area. Also food banks and church pantries. IN the USA there is no reason to go hungry!


Much love to you all,

TracyZ

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CAROLJ74 4/19/2009 10:11PM

    (((HUGS))) I know you are frustrated! Is there any way that you could work out at home...maybe do a Spark video? And I TOTALLY understand about the allergies! They are killing me too! I thought I was done when Mountain Cedar left but it is still here!





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Hello All

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I am happy to report that my sister is doing well! So far so good!

I have been so busy settling into my new home! It's been a bit hectic but I love it. It's all so exciting! We moved in with nothing in the way of furniture or kitchen stuff or anything. We had our clothes. We bought 2 air mattresses and some cooking pots. We ate off paper plates! LOL It was like the best camping trip ever! LOL Now we have a little of our stuff from Louisiana. Our kitchen things mainly. We also got a nice couch and love seat off craigslist (don't ya just love that!). Our air mattresses have sprung leaks, but that's ok! We are hoping to get to Louisiana in the next month to bring the rest of our stuff home and when we do there are 2 beds waiting for us over there. So hopefully soon! We really love the house! I still don't have photos but I hope to soon.

I am going to my first Lots To Lose Meet-up on Sunday. I was going to go last month but didn't have a way to get there. I'm really looking forward to this. I put on so much weight in Louisiana. My body just hurts all the time. I get winded just walking across the room! Ugh. But it will get better I just know it! I've decided to start a savings account to build my own home gym. I've wasted a lot of money on gym memberships and it's fruitless because I never make time to go and I feel so uncomfortable going to those places with all the skinny girl and hard body guys. Someday though! I'll walk into those places with my head held high and look just as good as they do! LOL Crystal and I are planning to start walking around our neighborhood in the evenings. But, to be honest, I lack the motivation... and the shoes. All I have are my Converse and a pair of hiking boots. Not the most comfortable or foot healthy shoes to walk in! I get cramps in the arch of my right foot and in my right calf when I try. Any suggestions on this until I can get new walking shoes?


Well that is all for now! I hope everyone is well!

Blessings!

PS
I wanted to add something here. I haven't been on a scale in a while because I'm scared of what it will tell me. But I am going to face that demon tomorrow morning! I have too! I have been considering surgery lately. A lot! Either a Gastric Bypass or a lap band. I'd love to hear my SP friend's and family's thoughts on this. I'm just getting desperate.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRISHRAVEN 4/24/2009 10:21AM

    It is risky. And for me, I feel it's worth it. My blood pressure is just through the roof and I'm scared. My health is declining. If either of these procedures could turn that around it would be worth it.

I have to find out if I can have it even though I don't have a gall bladder. Must research...

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GINW1977 4/23/2009 5:21PM

    I know both these surgeries are considered very risky, but I know four people personally that had gastric bypass and had wonderful results. I know I would do the lap band for myself if my insurance covered it, and I could find a surgeon that would do it with my unique digestive system. If my digestive system was normal, I would have gastric bypass without hesitation. It really is up to you; is it worth the risks to you?

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TRACYZABELLE 4/17/2009 5:34AM

    Congrats on the house! I am so so excited for you! Also for stuff you need- you can try to hit up freecycle, I got my sofa there and it is awesome!

I too have been considering surgery, I need to see what my copay will be as I really dont need another bill.

Good luck at your meeting hunny! I know I need something more to get me on track! It aint easy! We can do it though!

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WOW!

Monday, March 30, 2009

I didn't realize it had been away so long. SORRY!

Soooo UPDATE TIME!!! Life is beautiful!! It really is! I have re-fallen in love with life!

We found a house! I will take pictures and post them when I can get a chance (and a computer capable of handling it)! But I love it. It is an older home with a HUGE yard that I get to work and play in. We are not just renting... oh no... WE ARE OWNING!!!! WOOO HOOO!!! Who'd of thought this? I sure didn't. But we are very happy and excited.

I have found a group of Solitaries that I have begun meeting with every week! I just love them! We each have our own path and are enjoying learning about each other and each other's beliefs and practices. Two of the women there were both over 250 pounds at one time. I would have NEVER guessed that. So we have that dynamic also since they know I'm struggling with my weight. They are very supportive and we discuss healthy lifestyles and what worked for them and so on. I feel more grounded than I ever have here.

I have also found a meetup group called Lots To Lose for those needing to lose 100+ pounds. I'm close to that so I joined. I haven't attended a meeting yet. But I'm looking very forward to it. I attend my first one on the 14th of April! I will be blogging about those meetings and what I've learned!

My daughter, Jordon, is doing great! She is attending high school and being a normal teenager! She is happy to be home and we are rebuilding our lives. She still has some issues to work through with all that happened, but she is honestly doing very well! I'm so proud of her for all the hard work she has been doing.

Crystal and I are doing well too! We are stronger than ever! She found a great job and is happy. I have restarted my Medical Transcription courses (hope to finish those soon). Things are finally, finally looking up.

One request: My sister is going in for surgery today at 1:50pm. She is having a j-pouch put in after ulcerative colitis took her colon. She has been in a lot of pain and hasn't been able to eat well. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers (what ever those may be). My prayer is that her surgery is successful, her pain goes away and she will be able to have a healthy happy life after this. She deserves it!

I have missed my SP friends so so so so much!


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 4/16/2009 3:58AM

    I finally am getting caught up and just got this! Everything sounds great COngrats! Please tell us how your sister is doing! I am so excited for you and your new life, new house, new outlook!

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ALLYINTEXAS 4/1/2009 8:20AM

    It's always nice to see when good things happen to nice people! Refreshing to read a blog so full of joy and hope!

Good news about your daughter! But I'm sorry to learn of your sister's health. And a house with a yard! A blessing indeed if you enjoy the natural beauty and nurturing it along!



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CAROLJ74 3/30/2009 10:31PM

    Hey Irish! Good to see you back! It sounds like things are going marvelous for you right now! That is so wonderful to hear! I am so very happy for you! I can't wait to see pictures of your new home! emoticon emoticon

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Such a good day~

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I just had to write again. Today I got to go outside and play in mulch and dirt! Kim and Michelle were outside doing yard work. I keep telling them that I want to help around the house and outdoors but they never tell when they are doing it. Kim says she doesn't want to bother me or ask for my help. Well, today I caught them in the act! So I joined them! They got black mulch and I put it in the little flower bed out front and by the front walk. I helped clear away some dead leaves and pull some weeds. I had so much fun! It felt so good! It's still cool enough here to be outside without burning up! It felt good just being outdoors and doing something! I just loved it!!!

Tracy.. yeah FB is such an addictive place..just like SP!!! LOL

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRISHRAVEN 2/22/2009 9:18PM

    Just one more thing we have in common..

I can't wait to have my own place so I can garden and landscape. One of the beautiful things about St. Francisville was all the space. If we had stayed I was going to have animals and a HUGE garden and it was going to be so awesome. Maybe I can find a place here to do that. I want a couple goats. And I don't know how to make that happen here.

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GINW1977 2/22/2009 11:38AM

    Yes, this blog is familiar. :) I'm glad you had fun. I was hoping to be well this spring so that we could do the yard landscaping. I actually love to play in the dirt, too. It is even better here because there is only a few weeks of so hot you could die weather.

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TRACYZABELLE 2/22/2009 12:50AM

    OH what fun! It was quite cold here but the sun made it warmer when you were in it! We were supposed to get snow but I did not see any, lol! My company just left a bit ago and I am enjoying my cats! Just think the weekend is almost over! I go back to work tomorrrow! I was happy to see the release on the scale! WHEEEEEEE!

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Hi ALL

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Well just wanted to stop in. I'm not doing much. Crystal is out of town for the weekend. I'm bored and lonely.

I went to meetup.com and signed up for a couple volleyball meetups, a tennis meetup, a meditation meetup, a wellness meetup, and a women's healthy weight loss meetup along with a few others! I'm hoping it will help me get out of the house and get to living like I want to!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 2/21/2009 6:05PM

    When I am home I tend to eat if I am not busy! Getting out and beong active will be awesome! I am trying to catch up on my facebook applications! Arghhhhh!

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