Monday, March 10, 2008
First and Foremost... I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart! I know y'all have been pulling for me, praying for me, lighting candles, and doing what y'all wonderful people do. And it has honestly meant the world to me. Hopefully this will be the last not so great blog for a long time!.
Well. I did NOT get the day shift. I'm having major major issues with this. I didn't ask for this shift change because I wanted it. I asked for it because I needed it to be able to make it with my daughter on our own. They passed me over for someone who has been here less time than me. And honesty who I don't think is nearly as good as I am. Hate to toot my own horn here but I feel it's the truth..and from what others at work have said I am right in feeling that way. I came in 2nd!!!! I could go on but I know there are those on here that I work with so I won't. But I'm not sure I can continue to work here. I took a week off to try and come to grips with this. But it didn't work. I feel very hurt. I'm not angry. I just don't have it in me to be angry or bitter. I have folks at work who were pulling hard for me that are angry and bitter enough for me! haha. Which does make me feel good that they care enough to feel that way for me. But that doesn't change anything. There have been changes going on that I don't agree with here at work anyway. But I've still be sticking it out because I believe so strongly in the work I do. But now..well..I don't believe so strongly in the place I do my work anymore. And it's just breaking my heart.
Crystal is gone now. She left out on Feb. 28th. I never dreamed it would be this hard. I know her voice is only a phone call away...when I can get through. But it's not the same. I feel like I've made a HUGE mistake by staying behind here. But I don't feel welcome by her family over there either. I stayed here for 3 reasons: 1. my daughter staying in this school 2. my job and 3. my friends. I hate to say this but I now feel like I chose those things over my family so I split my family up just so I didn't have to face the change of moving. My fear of change. My fear of losing my friends. My fear of making my daughter hate me. Now I'm scared I'm losing the best thing that ever happened to me relationship wise. And it's my fault. Because I chose the wrong thing. And I've been upset because she never asked me to go...but she didn't ask me because she thought I wanted to stay here. That must have made her feel awful! A big part of me feels like she doesn't really want me there. But I've been thinking about that and I'm worried that those feelings just may be my past hurts coming to the surface and just scaring me stupid so that I only think she doesn't want me there... Did that make sense? ugh..this is a mess.. But I miss her so much that my heart just hurts. I feel so freaking empty. I know that may not make much sense. But it's the way I feel.
My eldest cat, Nala, who is 12 years old is now missing. She's been gone since Feb 29th. She'd lost quite a bit of weight. I think she's gone to lay down somewhere. It's just killing me. She's always been my little furry baby and now she's gone too. I can't find her outside and I can't find her inside either. I'm terrified to clean my house and move stuff like I'd been planning because I'm scared I'll move something and find her and I'll be all alone and just freak out.
Now to top off all this stuff I have been fighting an upper respiratory infection since about March 5th. Fun huh?
My doctor started me on Adderall on Feb 28th also. Let me tell you...it KILLS your appetite! Add that to stress and a feeling of loss and the job thing and well...I'm just not eating much. I don't feel any ill effects from it. I'm losing a bit of weight though. But not in a healthy happy way if ya know what I mean.
I've been thinking a lot about myself. (weeellll that sounded funny!) And I'm going to try to make the best of this. I'm going to clean my house (but I'm hoping I can get someone to at least come sit with me while I do that), I'm going to set up a personal schedule for myself for eating and exercise as best I can in my situation, I'm going to meditate before I go to bed daily, I'm going to just get everything down on paper. If I get it on paper and tack it up I'm hoping it will help me stay focused. So...I know this has been a lot of heavy stuff in these blogs lately. But I'm going to pray that from here on out things will start to look up and be positive. I just have to pull myself out of this funk I'm in.