Thursday, January 24, 2008
I'm probably going to be slowing down on here abit until I establish a routine with school and work and everything else going on.
My girlfriend is moving to Louisiana at the end of February. I'm not sure if I will be moving with her or not. We are NOT splitting up, so I don't want anyone to thing there are any issues like that going on. But she has been offered a great job in Baton Rouge and I am very supportive of her discussion to take it. But I am going to try and stay here for a couple of years to finish my schooling and to let our daughter graduate high school with the kids she's grown up with. I'm trying to work it out with my employer now. If I can't, well...not sure what's going to happen. But her going and taking this opportunity feels so right! Like good things on the horizon! So whatever we need to do to make this work is what we will do. Even if that does mean J and I moving over there too. But I hope not, I hope we can stay here and she can go there and we will all be good. In an ideal situation that will work. So please everyone keep your fingers crossed for me ok?
I have been diagnosed with ADHD! Anyone who knows me, this will not come as a surprise! Hahahahaah! But the cool thing is that the doctor says that the medication he is going to be putting me on may cause me to lose weight! How cool will that be? Finally a medication with a GOOD side effect! hahaha! I have to have a couple of other tests done before he starts me on it though. Those two tests I am a little concerned about...ok...that isn't exactly honest...I'm scared stiff about it. I'm having an EEG done tomorrow and an MRI on my brain on Friday. I've been having headaches, pinpoints of burning localized pain in my head in one specific area, my hands go numb, and some other things. I have a family history of brain cancer on my maternal side. My grandmother passed due to it when she was 64 and my Mother when she was 52. That's pretty young. So I am worried about these tests. But I am keeping an optimistic outlook. It's probably just cluster headaches and won't be a big deal at all. Everything is going to be just fine!
I'm not losing any weight right now. I'm not gaining either though, so I'm ok with it. I'm guessing it's because I haven't been focusing on it. I also haven't been eating right. I'm not eating as healthy as I was. I'm also snacking again and emotional eating is cropping back up for me. I suppose that is something I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. I'd like to learn more about it. Knowledge is power after all, so the more I learn the more power over emotional eating I will have. I'm sure that once the dust settles from everything, hopefully even before that, we can start eating healthy again and the snacking will minimize.
Well, take care everyone! I hope ya'll are doing great!
Monday, January 14, 2008
When I started SP almost a year ago there was a post on one of the teams that said "If I never lose another pound I..." Well I freaked out. I posted back that never losing another pound was not an option and scared the bajebbers out of me. Well, that original post has been on my mind a lot the last week. I'm beginning to wondering if I am going about this journey all wrong. Sure I'd love to be thinner and look hot. But then again, what is 'hot'? I used to think it was these skinny girls who could fit into these cute clothes and have all these people drooling over them. But maybe it's not. Some of what I find truly hot in someone is intelligence, integrity, honesty, a sense of humor, strength...none of these things are physically measured. Then I got to thinking about what I thought the ideal woman would be. Strong. Sturdy. A protector. Caring. Nurturing. Loving. A Mother (even those who have not giving birth can be mothers, it takes a village after all). A Lover. Passionate. Honest. Intelligent. A good conversationalist. And a score of other things that I have already found in the person that I am. I also find those qualities in the person I am engaged to. So I asked my girlfriend "Do you honestly think I am beautiful exactly the way I am?" And she said yes. She actually said she thinks I'm hot! Good enough for me! I couldn't say that a year ago. Something else I couldn't say before is that I .... me! .. I think I am beautiful. I really do. I would still like to lose weight. And I'm going to. But not because I want to look good in my wedding gown. Because to my intended I already AM going to look great in my wedding gown! And not because I want to be skinny. And not because I want to wait for the someday when I think I'm thin enough to go hiking, kayaking, skating, or any other physical activity. I've been holding back on living my life until I thought I was thin enough to do it. I'm serious! I've actually said to Crystal "When I get down to the weight I want to be I'd love to join your softball team!" Why? Because the media and the rest of society said only skinny people get to have fun and play and enjoy and get the most out of life? Yeah. But not anymore. I want to play softball. Fat or not. I want to play other sports too. I want to wear tank tops. I want to wear skirts that don't go down to my ankles. I want to hiking. I want to learn to kayak. I want to bike riding and skating and skiing! I feel ashamed because I've let my weight stop me from doing the things I really want to do in life. Maybe if I start living my life the way I really want to, instead of stagnating waiting for that 'someday when I'm thinner', maybe my body will just naturally follow suite. And if it doesn't...so what? I'll be active and healthy anyway. And isn't that what it's all about? Being active and healthy? Life is for the living. So Iím going to live it!
And I have not forgotten about those goals I need to do. But this is going to change those a bit. So Iím going to start them again and post them soon!
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
I've been off for a while! (don't any one comment on that now! Hahhahahahaha!!!)
It's been a long couple of weeks. Lots has been happening. Some really hard things with my family and my best friends. We had our first major meltdown/fight. It was scary for me emotionally. I have thie defense mechanism to where if I'm hurt or angry I shut down. Completely. I don't talk or anything. I don't mean too, I usually don't even realize it's happening. And my best friend (who is now happily a Sparker!!Wooo hoo! She's TXMOMMY38 so go check her out! SHE ROCKS!!) has the defense that if there is conflict she tends to just walk away. Those two things together can end a friendship in a conflict situation. But luckily, our relationship means more to us than our defense mechanisms do! We talked everything out and we are ok now. But I have to tell you, for me it was terrifying. I've never broken down infront of people like that before. Even my daughter was freaked out about it because I was crying...and I mean CRYING! Like heavy gutteral sobbing. But I am so glad it happened. Because now I know it's safe. And I know that I mean enough to her, she to me, that even scary crazy times can be worked out. I've never had that before. So, to me, this strengthened that bond even more! I'm so thankful for that! And it's helped me look into myself and realize that that defense mechanism is so pervasive in me that I don't even realize that it's happening. So I'm going to add that to my life of things to talk about once I find a therapist. See if I can loosen the bottled up noose so that I feel the way other people do and not feel like it's a bad thing..I know I know...ya'll are going "What the heck is she babbeling about?"...
Anyway..all in all it all ended up good.
I've not been tracking anything lately. I have so much going on right now that tracking is something I just can't do. I will. Don't get me wrong, that one function on here that I LOVE! But I also love the fact that there is no punishment if you can't do something right this moment! Once the new year bustle (and hopefully all that drama) at work slows down and I get this semester in school started, I can set down and get my tracking started back up.
I'm also seriously considering changing jobs. One more added stress. But haven't set anything rolling yet on that.
My activity level is going to be going back up I hope soon. I was on steriods for allergies and a jacked up shoulder there for a little while and it put weight back on me. I hate that! But I'm off them now and it should start coming off again. I need to un-Earth my scales I suppose. But I'm in no rush on that either.
I know I said in my last blog that I would have my goals by January 7th. Well...nope. Didn't happen. I know this is a lame excuse, but with all the emtional upheaval at home and work, plus the allergies (I have horrible horrible cedar fever every year in January and mold allergies too), plus a shoulder injury, plus getting ready to go back to school...well I just haven't made the time to do it. But this week feels a lot more peaceful. So I will do my best to have a goal plan by this weekend. I do know that Crystal and I have agreed that we would be getting up at 8:00 am on Saturday mornings and going to play tennis. I have to figure out how to track that!
Well, I think that's it for now ya'll! Have a wonderful rest of the week!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Well, I haven't blogged in a bit. I'm thinking that trying to come up with something every single day to write about may be more than I can do. So I'm going to try for a least once a week. But won't punish myself if I don't.
Things are indeed looking up.
Personal life: my girlfriend and I have been having issues, but I think we have come out the other side and are ok. It was ugly for a bit, long story, but she did what needed to be done to make it right. I'm very proud of her too, I know it took a lot of courage to face when happened, be honest about it, about confront the others involved. So I'm hanging in there and I'm willing to keep going. I honestly think this time of trial has made of stronger. But I have to be realistic as well and know that there is still a lot of healing on my end that I need. It won't be a fast fix and even though it feels good right now, I am still gun shy (so to speak). So I am very optimistic but also justifiably cautious. So keep us in your thoughts please.
My weight loss journey: Well...it's the holidays! Sweets abound! Food...really good food..is everywhere! But I'm actually doing ok. I'm not stuffing myself. I'm staying away from sweets to a point. I'm not perfect after all. I've also told myself that if I slide this time of year that I can't beat myself up for it. I'm trying to live by something I heard on one of my teams "Just for today...". Some times I have trouble even know what that means to me, but then I hit what I feel like is a glitch and remember that tomorrow is another day. So Just for today I can be ok with who I am, what I am, how I look, and what I do. And it's really helping. Lately I can look in the mirror and say "Hey...you're kind cute!"Hahaha. So I guess something is working.
Spiritually:...well I'm still working on that. I'm still trying to find a therapist who is also a spiritual leader. To be honest, I haven't been looking very hard though. Celtic_Witch has been a huge help, giving me someone to talk to about faith and learning. It's been wonderful! (Hey...You out there!! I'm giving you Kudos here! Hehehehe).
So it's all a slow process, as are all things in life. But I am making it. And I'm feeling better about myself and my life. I feel happy. Admittedly, I have good and bad days, but lately the good days have been around for a while!! So...YIPPIE!!
I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Holiday.
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