Monday, October 21, 2013
I have been in a self-created battle for the last couple of months. I wanted this year, an important year, to be unlike so many other years. I wanted it to be a year of purpose, having some of 'the answers', a year that would set me up for good things. Instead it has been very confusing, painful and difficult. No, not all of it. It's had it's good side, as well. However, as far as weight loss and doing my SP program, it's been a mess.
I lost 17 lbs. up to and somewhere around May of this year. I, finally, saw Onederland, again. Then, for a long time, I coasted. But, eventually, I gained most of it back and, although not 'a lot' over, I am back in the 200s, again. I 'swore', absolutely meant every word of it ~ that I would never let myself get back into the 200s. I was so sure of it, I would have signed it in blood. :(
Slowly, but surely, things started 'slipping'. The exercise, even the swimming, the food, the commitment of going to SP, several times a week, talking to my friends. ALL of it ~ and the more that 'left', the more I hated myself. Until finally, I'm just a fat, out of shape mess again. Not that I was ever far from that ~ but, at least, I was trying. My 'get up and go" got up and left and I don't know how to get it back.
So ~ this may be my last post here. I NEED to make up my mind what I am going to do.I can't just keep lurking around. I don't really know if I've got the 'faith' or the 'commitment' to come back. I certainly don't have the 'faith in myself', anymore. If I do come back, I need to stay here until I have reached my goals ~ all of my goals. I need to make a new start. I need to change my life. I need to believe in myself, most of all.
I don't know ~ I just don't know ~ ~ if I have the faith in myself to put me back on the right track. I have let myself down so badly. I'm just full of self-loathing and defeat.
You've all been so good to me at SP. Thank you for that ~ sincerely!