Tuesday, August 27, 2013
'They' think that I'm an adult. Hahaha, what fools!
Although I am 30 with a nearly 13 year old daughter, a career, have entombed my much beloved mother, and possess all the trappings of adulthood, I sometimes still sit back and wonder how I have been able to fool everyone. I’ve earned degrees, had long term relationships, and fought hard for what was right in my personal and work life. I pay the mortgage, the car note, the utilities, and feed myself and child EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yet, at the end of the day, I don’t feel like a grown up. Rather, I feel like a well prepared child. I know what to do and how to do it, and if I don’t, I know how to find out.
I wonder if all “old souls” go through such an experience. That is, as a child I was rather mature and well prepared for life, thus my childhood reflected more of an adult overtone. Thereby, in my experience, “adulthood” is actually a childlike experience and was part of my formative years. I often ask what catalyst may be profound enough to propel me into my “real adulthood.”
I always find it laughable to see young people (teens and early twenty-somethings) ramble on about how they are grown or how they will not be told what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I could be brat when I was younger (and now) but to be so crass, so obnoxious, has always seemed to me such an arrogant response to life that would surely lead to a “Jesus spanking” or karmic payback, if you will. Not good.
Yet still, I wander the halls of my office and think, “Why haven’t these people figured out that they’ve got a kid in charge?”
I think my daughter is the only one who may be onto me. She sees me in my most natural state, the most often. It’s funny too, how sometimes she’ll just look at me and have the same question in her eyes, “How did she fool everyone?” Luckily, I find this endearing and realize that she will one day reflect on my spontaneous bursts of song and/or dance, in the market, with love and adoration. I believe she was my gift from God so that I might have the opportunity to experience childlike wonder that I missed out on in my own childhood. How wonderful would that be?
Now, I will tie this with a pretty bow into weight loss and a healthy lifestyle. Children, can only be held accountable for so much. As such, it has been easy to struggle with my weight and not necessarily take full responsibility for it. Not that I blamed others, but rather I gave myself a pass to ignore issues. Much like a child will close their eyes and cover their ears singing’ “lalalalala” until whatever displeases them passes.
I barely noticed the first 20 pounds over I gained. I cried through the second, life was tough then. I got pissed about the third, loss 40 and found them again with their friend, 10 more pounds. And then, I became despondent. Numb to the weight. I only care that I’m over weight because I know I should. Not because it profoundly upsets me. Rather, my failing upsets me, but then I remember, I’m just a kid and shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
This is a falsity. So many are too hard on themselves, this is not the case with me. I have given myself permission to repeatedly fail me. At least if I’m the one failing myself, it doesn’t hurt as much when someone else fails me. (A thought for another entry) This is baloney! This is not true, it is not okay and I deserve better which means I owe myself more. I am the one person I should never fail. For me, failing is lying to me, it’s not even trying, and it’s using my childlike joy against me.
I must work daily to open my eyes, uncover my ears, and quite myself long enough to be still and accept and enact what I must do to be a champion for me.