Thursday, March 29, 2012
As I prepare for my juice feast I am in a state of wonder about all the issues both past and current that come up for my closer inspection. Each morning as I go through my routine of breathing exercises, meditation, reading and writing, I dislodge another chunk of my personal iceberg and dissolve it. This stuff can be anything from the idea of giving up my beloved coffee to the ponderous guilt I feel over something that I've been carrying around for thirty years or more. I may need help with that one. Secrets keep us sick.
I have been dealing with finding a balance between my obsessive need to control and micromanage just about everything, and spontaneity. I picture myself at the edge of a precipice, only it is not of time and space, but it's made up of the sparkling confetti of possibilities. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time. I want to be in that place. I want to trust that my limitations will not hold me back, and that I will get exactly what I need.
Did I mention fear of failure? No? Well, that's there too. Not exactly what a perfectionist wants to deal with, but here I am dealing with it. It looks something like this: What if I take the wrong aisle at Costco on my way to the produce section and give in to the samples? What if I'm out with friends and am prompted to try 'just one'? What if I'm stuck somewhere with no juice anywhere in sight and hunger is grinding away at me? I know there are reasonable answers to all these questions, but that doesn't stop them from cropping up. All I can say is that each one confronted is another bubble burst and another step closer to whole health.
Monday, March 26, 2012
If you read my blog yesterday, you know that the weekend was spent battling my evil twin...the one that wants me to eat junky food, or even too much good food. So last night right before I went to sleep, I asked to have a healing dream, one that I would remember, one that would empower me to deal with the emotional crap that is causing these outbursts of crap craving. Sure enough, right before I woke this morning I had that dream. I won't go into a lot of detail cause I have to leave for the gym in about 15 minutes and I'm sitting here in my jammies, but it ended with me kicking out (literally) the weighty obstacle that was holding me down.
The downside of that is that my little cat, Polly, was on the bed at the time and she went sailing! I believe she has forgiven me though. Cats are nice like that.
Moral of story...we are who we are, whether asleep or awake and we can use our dream time to heal as well as our waking hours.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I have been looking forward to my upcoming juice feast, now only about a couple of weeks away. But for the last couple of days, my evil twin has raised her ugly head and offered some resistance. Wouldn't you like a candy bar? she asks. Or how about a burger...a nice veggie burger with all the works? Maybe we could order a pizza. You won't be having that for a while. Oh, don't worry about the weight gain, the heavy, sluggish feeling, the self-hate...you'll be fine. All of that will go away when you start your juice feast. Heh, heh, heh.
I don't know if this is par for the course or not, but it is wearing me down. And, yes, I have succumbed a couple of times, and I'm finding it hard to put that in perspective. I'm isolating, not thinking clearly, and kind of wallowing in self pity here! Aaaargh! The strong, healthy part of me is motivated and clear about what I want to do, but I was caught completely off guard by my evil twin and her insidious campaign to derail me.
I need your help! Any insights? I guess I need to acknowledge the resistance, but I'm floundering here.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Well, here it is, a quarter of the year almost gone. Do you know where your New Year's resolutions are? There I was minding my own business this morning, meditating along with davidji from the Chopra center, and he asked us to choose a mantra...basically an affirmation...to fill our minds as we meditated. What popped up for me was forgiveness. A little background here might be helpful. This is one of my New Year's resolutions:
' I am willing to give up my propensity to be judgmental and critical. I understand that life would be pretty one dimensional if it unfolded the way "I" thought it should go. I am learning to embrace more diversity daily and to appreciate the contrasts and opportunities that this provides.'
This being judgmental and critical has always been a thorn in my side. The whys and wherefores are not important, but it feels so ingrained in me that it is very hard to catch and release. I realize that we are all doing the best that we can at any given moment and that applied lovingkindness is the only way to heal, and yet I keep passing judgement. I also know that to release these unproductive criticisms I need to forgive. To forgive myself for straying from Love and forgive whatever s.o.b. I'm ranting at (at least in my head) at the time. I try to bring my attention back to forgiveness and sometimes that works. I ask to be shown a different way to see things, and often that works too. Very well, in fact. So as I look back over the past few months, I have to say I am making progress with this one.
What was different for me this morning is the way I thought of forgiveness. Instead of thinking 'I am a forgiving person, or i practice forgiveness' or something like that, what popped into my head was "I am forgiveness." Wow! That felt all encompassing. It just washed over me. Hard to describe, as feelings usually are, but it clicked, it resonated, it fit. So that's what I am going forward with this morning. Let's see how it works when I'm driving behind the joker going 35 in a 50 mph zone!!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Oh, I so need my quiet time in the mornings. I've been getting up around 4:00 for the past few months and having a couple of hours to pray, meditate and journal. It is bliss. I am a person who needs time to process both the external and internal events in my life, and busy as my days are, early morning is about the only time when it is truly quiet and conducive to introspection. I love this time of day. Always have. It's about a true sense of awakening for me. I woke up pretty snarky this morning, but by the time I finished dumping all the garbage out of my head and tuning in to who I am really...which is not all the stuff going on around me...I feel wonderful.
And I have to say here, that without the changes in my diet over the past several months, I don't think any of this would have been possible. Eating raw whole foods has totally transformed me. I have more energy than I would have thought possible. I have no cravings any more...and that was a biggie for me...and my health is extraordinary. I feel full of possibilities. This is in contrast to the person I was who was tired upon waking up, dragged through the day, needed antidepressants, and a nap in the afternoon. Let thy food be thy medicine, and thy medicine be thy food!
A quick update on Mr. Wonderful...he has been experiencing some pain since his knee operation, but went to the doc's on Friday and was told that this was normal and he was right on target. Doc gave him the go ahead to ride his bike, so he went out and did about 25 miles yesterday and felt fine. It's funny, he can ride with no pain, it's just walking that gets him. He still looks disabled when he walks, but put him on a bike and you'd never know there was anything wrong! Now he can train in earnest for his trip across the country. We were both pretty concerned there for a while, but it's looking like a go!
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