A Day in the Life

Thursday, March 29, 2012

As I prepare for my juice feast I am in a state of wonder about all the issues both past and current that come up for my closer inspection. Each morning as I go through my routine of breathing exercises, meditation, reading and writing, I dislodge another chunk of my personal iceberg and dissolve it. This stuff can be anything from the idea of giving up my beloved coffee to the ponderous guilt I feel over something that I've been carrying around for thirty years or more. I may need help with that one. Secrets keep us sick.

I have been dealing with finding a balance between my obsessive need to control and micromanage just about everything, and spontaneity. I picture myself at the edge of a precipice, only it is not of time and space, but it's made up of the sparkling confetti of possibilities. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time. I want to be in that place. I want to trust that my limitations will not hold me back, and that I will get exactly what I need.

Did I mention fear of failure? No? Well, that's there too. Not exactly what a perfectionist wants to deal with, but here I am dealing with it. It looks something like this: What if I take the wrong aisle at Costco on my way to the produce section and give in to the samples? What if I'm out with friends and am prompted to try 'just one'? What if I'm stuck somewhere with no juice anywhere in sight and hunger is grinding away at me? I know there are reasonable answers to all these questions, but that doesn't stop them from cropping up. All I can say is that each one confronted is another bubble burst and another step closer to whole health.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ORGANIC811LFRV 3/29/2012 7:41PM

Beautiful and poetic and HONEST blog. Thanks hon. P.S.: Just wait until you actually ARE feasting. OMG! I'm glad I am not near you! LOL LOL Report Inappropriate Comment

PETALIA 3/29/2012 4:12PM

So succinctly do you articulate your complex and layered feelings. I love how you describe yourself in a state of wonder. And fear. Fear of failure. When I go into the unknown, when I'm white-knuckling it, I say to myself not 'one day at a time' rather one hour or one minute at a time. I take issue with the word 'failure'. It is so absolute. Perhaps to set up the project full of contingencies, a project for a sometimes inconsistent, mysterious, and unpredictable human being. I wish you the best. Report Inappropriate Comment

ROSALIEESTHER 3/29/2012 3:57PM

I'm so glad you wrote this wonderful and open blog. You are indeed on a journey of self-awareness and self-exploration. Most importantly, remember what Helen_Bru said. Just trust yourself and observe. It's not so important to be perfect, it's important to find out what you think about things. So, if you fall off the wagon, no biggie, just get back on it. And in the meantime, try and figure out how you got to that point. Even observing your fears now, that's informative. No need for judgment, just evaluate, does it serve you? If not, how can you make adjustments. How does it serve you? Do these fears help prepare you for your big adventure. Please keep us posted. We're all very interested. Report Inappropriate Comment

HELEN_BRU 3/29/2012 2:52PM

I guess we all have the same temptations, etc. but what separates us is those who when they commit, stick with it most of the time and if they slip, they get right back on the horse without condemnations or putting themselves down. Then there are others, like me, one slip and I am sailing off the precipice. Ugh. Helen Report Inappropriate Comment

DARA52 3/29/2012 11:43AM

You are on a wonderful path. The possibility of letting things go sounds tremendous. I know you will take every advantage. Will be here with support. Report Inappropriate Comment

CLEUTHAUS 3/29/2012 9:39AM

What a beautiful blog. Good luck on your journey dear one:) Report Inappropriate Comment

KALIGIRL 3/29/2012 9:07AM

Wonderful steps! Now I understand your status. Here's to all of us melting to our cores. Namaste Report Inappropriate Comment

CHESAKAT41 3/29/2012 9:04AM

He will always direct you down the right path. You might have a few bumps along the way, but it will be the right path nevertheless...Best wishes Report Inappropriate Comment

Healing Power of Dreams

Monday, March 26, 2012

If you read my blog yesterday, you know that the weekend was spent battling my evil twin...the one that wants me to eat junky food, or even too much good food. So last night right before I went to sleep, I asked to have a healing dream, one that I would remember, one that would empower me to deal with the emotional crap that is causing these outbursts of crap craving. Sure enough, right before I woke this morning I had that dream. I won't go into a lot of detail cause I have to leave for the gym in about 15 minutes and I'm sitting here in my jammies, but it ended with me kicking out (literally) the weighty obstacle that was holding me down.

The downside of that is that my little cat, Polly, was on the bed at the time and she went sailing! I believe she has forgiven me though. Cats are nice like that.

Moral of story...we are who we are, whether asleep or awake and we can use our dream time to heal as well as our waking hours.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYMINNIE25 3/27/2012 2:57PM

How smart of you to ask for what you want. Our subconscious is amazing. skinny Report Inappropriate Comment

JUICENUT 3/27/2012 9:46AM

I, too, have been battling (of sorts) with the parts of myself that are resistant to change so I can resolve internal conflict and move forward with the radiant health I deserve and desire. (Be extra sweet to Polly). Report Inappropriate Comment

KALIGIRL 3/27/2012 9:45AM

"we are who we are, whether asleep or awake and we can use our dream time to heal as well as our waking hours" Love it! Report Inappropriate Comment

PETALIA 3/26/2012 7:52PM

Dear Pivotal Polly! Report Inappropriate Comment

DARA52 3/26/2012 4:06PM

Good for you. I know people who keep paper by their bed in order to capture their dreams down before they are forgotten. So glad it worked for you. Kitty will forgive you. Probably had fun getting air. Report Inappropriate Comment

MFTAGGFREEZE 3/26/2012 8:58AM

Very interesting. I never thought of using dreams to heal myself. Thanks for sharing. Comment edited on: 3/26/2012 8:58:42 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

ORGANIC811LFRV 3/26/2012 8:53AM

An "asleep" dream or an "awake" dream it's all the same, isn't it? Row, Row, Row, your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream. Your cat probably had her dream of being launched into the air. Perhaps she wanted to take flying lessons, hey? Meow! Report Inappropriate Comment

My Evil Twin

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I have been looking forward to my upcoming juice feast, now only about a couple of weeks away. But for the last couple of days, my evil twin has raised her ugly head and offered some resistance. Wouldn't you like a candy bar? she asks. Or how about a burger...a nice veggie burger with all the works? Maybe we could order a pizza. You won't be having that for a while. Oh, don't worry about the weight gain, the heavy, sluggish feeling, the self-hate...you'll be fine. All of that will go away when you start your juice feast. Heh, heh, heh.

I don't know if this is par for the course or not, but it is wearing me down. And, yes, I have succumbed a couple of times, and I'm finding it hard to put that in perspective. I'm isolating, not thinking clearly, and kind of wallowing in self pity here! Aaaargh! The strong, healthy part of me is motivated and clear about what I want to do, but I was caught completely off guard by my evil twin and her insidious campaign to derail me.

I need your help! Any insights? I guess I need to acknowledge the resistance, but I'm floundering here.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYMINNIE25 3/27/2012 3:03PM

I'm starting my juicing on Friday evening for a week or more. and yes, it's taken every ounce of effort to avoid the evil twin. In the past, the moment I set a boundary, I HAD to cross it...binge...you name it. It's kept me scared of this healing process. Karen is right, no isolating. You can contact me. I'm a good listener. Set up your support system. We're here for you. Skinny Report Inappropriate Comment

SUEJENN 3/25/2012 4:23PM

Oh yes, she is sitting right on your shoulder whispering into your ear the minute she perceives an opening. The thing is your logical mind knows what is going on but you go ahead anyway. I find she nags at me when I put myself into the mindframe where I feel that I am depriving myself of something (usually chocolate) or let myself get sucked into emotional eating. The mindset is the thing. I am now looking at the foods I eat as providing nutrients rather than the big NOT eating something else. This past week I have been taking the dog out for a walk after dinner for 45 minutes. This seems to get me by the witching hour. Report Inappropriate Comment

ORGANIC811LFRV 3/25/2012 4:11PM

Yes, this is normal. It is triggered by the emotions, not by the desire for food. Look at what is underlying all this. When we want to eat crap, it's because we are carrying around emotional crap that is finally surfacing. It's all in the mind. Purification is terrifying to the ego my dear. When you change the status quo the ego shakes in it's boots. And you are definitely going towards a momentous change. I'd say DON'T eat the crap. Feel the crap and trust in the process. You must take a look, go through to the other side of it and look back and realize it's just a whisp of smoke. It really doesn't have any more substance than we give it. My question to you is why don't you trust enough to NOT isolate yourself during these times. Isolation / separation it's not Love which is what you really want. Connect with someone when you want to do this. Don't keep this going any longer than you have. You are simply stalling the healing process. Report Inappropriate Comment

UMBILICAL 3/25/2012 4:01PM

I have several evil twins Report Inappropriate Comment

Remember those New Year's resolutions?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Well, here it is, a quarter of the year almost gone. Do you know where your New Year's resolutions are? There I was minding my own business this morning, meditating along with davidji from the Chopra center, and he asked us to choose a mantra...basically an affirmation...to fill our minds as we meditated. What popped up for me was forgiveness. A little background here might be helpful. This is one of my New Year's resolutions:

' I am willing to give up my propensity to be judgmental and critical. I understand that life would be pretty one dimensional if it unfolded the way "I" thought it should go. I am learning to embrace more diversity daily and to appreciate the contrasts and opportunities that this provides.'

This being judgmental and critical has always been a thorn in my side. The whys and wherefores are not important, but it feels so ingrained in me that it is very hard to catch and release. I realize that we are all doing the best that we can at any given moment and that applied lovingkindness is the only way to heal, and yet I keep passing judgement. I also know that to release these unproductive criticisms I need to forgive. To forgive myself for straying from Love and forgive whatever s.o.b. I'm ranting at (at least in my head) at the time. I try to bring my attention back to forgiveness and sometimes that works. I ask to be shown a different way to see things, and often that works too. Very well, in fact. So as I look back over the past few months, I have to say I am making progress with this one.

What was different for me this morning is the way I thought of forgiveness. Instead of thinking 'I am a forgiving person, or i practice forgiveness' or something like that, what popped into my head was "I am forgiveness." Wow! That felt all encompassing. It just washed over me. Hard to describe, as feelings usually are, but it clicked, it resonated, it fit. So that's what I am going forward with this morning. Let's see how it works when I'm driving behind the joker going 35 in a 50 mph zone!!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KALIGIRL 3/20/2012 9:12AM

Love it! "I am forgiveness" is one I'll remember. Report Inappropriate Comment

DARA52 3/19/2012 12:35PM

What a great way to begin your day. I need to find space to think about those things before I dive in to my computer, work, frustration, kids, DH... LOL... I am up to my ear in judgments even before breakfast. And it is so draining. Listen to yourself, if you are smiling you are on the right track. That's my new trigger. If I'm not smiling, I'm not on the right track. Go enjoy your day. And just think how lucky that guy driving slow in front of you is today. Another day and you might have given him the evil eye (if you even have one). LOL... Report Inappropriate Comment

THE70SNUT 3/19/2012 10:33AM

Such an awesome post. I can think of so many people I know that need to read it (including me over and over!) Thank you! Tina Report Inappropriate Comment

ORGANIC811LFRV 3/19/2012 8:36AM

When you understand not to white-wash and sugar-coat what you see you will uncap the true nature of your resistance to forgiveness. People, include our selves DO NOT do the best we can at any given moment. We do the least amount we can to get the biggest payoff, period! Until that is we start waking up to realizing that this life isn't about getting, it is about giving. Then the shift happens and it is very humbling. Yes, in Truth you and I and everyone else are Forgiveness. We must take the bandaids off our resistance to the blocks before we get to Truth. Sorry hon, you know I support you. I just don't want you to stop half-way in a very totally inclusive beautiful Truth. You'll thank me later----or not! LOL Hugs Report Inappropriate Comment

WOOFGANG 3/19/2012 8:27AM

I have to say IMLEENEY, this is very different. Most people think of Resolutions as something very concrete "I will give up sugar" or "I will lose XX pounds" or something like that. You've given me a new way to look at resolutions. I can be very critical and judgemental at times as well. What I have found is that it brings out the worst in me, negativity, stress etc. I'm not sure my way of handling is much better but I tell myself that the only people I need to worry about are those I care about (and for whatever reason, I don't feel it necessary to criticize or be judgemental about them) and the rest can go...well, I just don't care about them. Not sure that's a good thing - almost like I'm writing off the part of the human race who is not in my inner circle. So I'm going to try to think of this like you do....very peaceful. Thank you! Report Inappropriate Comment

LIV2RIDE 3/19/2012 7:15AM

My NY resolution was along those same lines. I think we all have a critical side, some stronger than others. I AM FORGIVENESS! That is pretty powerful. Thanks for sharing. Report Inappropriate Comment

Oh, what a beautiful morning!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Oh, I so need my quiet time in the mornings. I've been getting up around 4:00 for the past few months and having a couple of hours to pray, meditate and journal. It is bliss. I am a person who needs time to process both the external and internal events in my life, and busy as my days are, early morning is about the only time when it is truly quiet and conducive to introspection. I love this time of day. Always have. It's about a true sense of awakening for me. I woke up pretty snarky this morning, but by the time I finished dumping all the garbage out of my head and tuning in to who I am really...which is not all the stuff going on around me...I feel wonderful.

And I have to say here, that without the changes in my diet over the past several months, I don't think any of this would have been possible. Eating raw whole foods has totally transformed me. I have more energy than I would have thought possible. I have no cravings any more...and that was a biggie for me...and my health is extraordinary. I feel full of possibilities. This is in contrast to the person I was who was tired upon waking up, dragged through the day, needed antidepressants, and a nap in the afternoon. Let thy food be thy medicine, and thy medicine be thy food!

A quick update on Mr. Wonderful...he has been experiencing some pain since his knee operation, but went to the doc's on Friday and was told that this was normal and he was right on target. Doc gave him the go ahead to ride his bike, so he went out and did about 25 miles yesterday and felt fine. It's funny, he can ride with no pain, it's just walking that gets him. He still looks disabled when he walks, but put him on a bike and you'd never know there was anything wrong! Now he can train in earnest for his trip across the country. We were both pretty concerned there for a while, but it's looking like a go!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THE70SNUT 3/18/2012 8:02PM

I need to do this in the mornings (afternoons, whenever it is I wake up with this goofy schedule), I've been crabby for 4 days now and today's my first day off and I want the nice Tina back! Report Inappropriate Comment

MFTAGGFREEZE 3/18/2012 2:24PM

Great news about your husband. And awesome news about your time to get to know you. Are you riding across the country too, or is that his thing? You sure do sound like you could make it. Have a great remainder of this day! Report Inappropriate Comment

MLIANNE 3/18/2012 11:27AM

So many good things are happening for you and the hub! I'm very happy for you both :) Report Inappropriate Comment

ORGANIC811LFRV 3/18/2012 10:29AM

You are doing fantastic hon. And so is Mr. W. Just think how good you are going to feel come day 27 of juice feasting. You think you felt knarly this morning??? OMG! Just you wait until day 3 through 18! I don't want to see the youtube video! LOL I am the same way. I live alone with my cats for a good reason. I need my own space! I can't wait until I live where I have a balcony again so I can have my early morning reflection, my lemon water with MSM and my laptop in peace! I live by a busy grocery store with early morning delivery trucks with diesel engines and constant noise. Oh well, I'll be moving in 18 months! Report Inappropriate Comment

HELEN_BRU 3/18/2012 9:45AM

Just started myself but how did you start incorporating live food in your diet? All at once or did you start slow? I opted for the latter. So pleased with your results. Sure makes a difference, doesn't it? Helen Report Inappropriate Comment