 
 
 
Healing with the angelsTuesday, June 16, 2009
I am doing so much better today. I am not sure what happened in Therapy yesterday but yeaa I am back. I think I was angry and confused at the angels who was just sort of standing there while I was being hurt all those times. I saw them, the angles at my side but the confusion of why didn't they stop them or take me away? Why did they just stand there and do nothing? . 
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PIGLETSMALL
6/21/2009 5:26AM
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Dear Jetta! Big hugs and healing thoughts coming your way. 
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MIRIAMS3
6/19/2009 11:34PM
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I am at a loss of words. You definitely did not deserve that and it amazes me why we cannot be angry at our abusers. I really hate to bring this up but I am still hating myself based on what happened in my last life.. being a tortured starved Holocaust victim! Big reason as to why I am dealing with this d**n food addiction!! AND I was bullied beyond belief as a kid.. how could my soul agree to be tortured again? I know what happened in my current life does not compare to what happened in my last.. but I know my challenge like yours is to find it within us to love ourselves.. and I am still a long ways off of that. I just wrote a book which is still in the editing phase about this stuff and I unfortunately am still not nearly as healed from doing that as I thought I would have been at this point.
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TRACYZABELLE
6/19/2009 4:27AM
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AQUAGIRL08
6/16/2009 1:20PM
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Hi Jetta, It never ceases to amaze me how things from our pasts can raise their nasty little heads and still cause us such pain. It's so unfair that you had to go through what you went through as a young, innocent, little girl. You deserved so much better than you got. Your mama, daddy, step father and uncle will have to answer to a higher power. They really missed someone special when they tried to destroy you. They just didn't get how unique and wonderful you are but God knows. The good news is that you're working through the terror of your childhood and you have what appears to be a great therapist. My counselor tells me that until you work through the past and lay it to rest, you can't totally move forward. You eventually have to deal with all of it - both good and bad - in order to heal. I tend to put the bad parts in little compartments and seal them off. Unfortunately, they still have to be dealt with sometime during my life. It's like that muffler commercial that says, you can pay me now or really pay me later. Like you, I'm in the really pay me later phase. Once we work through all of this bad stuff, we'll be free. How wonderful will that be! Just take it one day at a time. Inch by inch, foot by foot, yard by yard, we will heal. You can do this. You are strong and loving. You deserve a better life and you will get one. I'm here if you need me. Hugs, Cyndi Report Inappropriate Comment |
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MARSHA74
6/16/2009 1:18PM
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    we are all here for you..ready to listen and hug x
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SLIMMERJESSE
6/16/2009 10:16AM
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Hi Jetta, I'm always at a loss as to what to say in response to your blogs. First, big hugs to you. There are several thoughts I walk away with after reading these: 1. I can't believe you survived such a horrific life, 2. How amazing that you did not do the same things to your own kids. Many who've been abused do the same to their own children. 3. What a miracle that you are capable of love and emotion. That you haven't blocked your feelings. 4. I cannot fathom such evil in humans. Sure, I know it exists, but not to the extent that I read about. My mind rebels and doesn't want to accept such incredible evil. 5. It makes me want to kick the arse of those who mistreated you. 6. If the angels stood by and didn't help, it makes me wonder if they exist. 7. Sometimes I wonder, with the way the world is going, if evil isn't winning. 8. Amazed that you were and are able to attract love, light, and goodness after all you've been through. 9. I don't think I could've survived even one of the things you have desccribed, let alone the entire enchilada. 10. If I ever met you, I'd be in awe of your resilience. Like a hero who survived a major battle/s. 11. God bless you and reserve a special place for you. I hope you can find deep and lasting peace within your heart and soul. You deserve all good things. Take care, my sparkfriend. Big hug.
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CAPECODDIN
6/16/2009 8:52AM
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Just checking in on you.... you are so strong and such an inspiration to people who suffered like you.. You WILL get thru this... every day is one step closer to shutting the door on the past.... I hope the suffering will end so that you can focus more energy on all the positive things that have happened in your life, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!! I pray that God sends you new angels that are strong and can guide you to safety and peace..... I am here for you....
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SLENDERELLA2010
6/16/2009 6:58AM
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I am terribly sorry for what was done for you. You were a child. No one deserves that. You can create now what you didn't receive when you were younger. You are so worthy of love and safety. I will be praying for you. You did nothing wrong. They did. God bless you, Sue Report Inappropriate Comment |
My daughter is getting married at the end of this month and unfortunately, it has brought up some hidden memories along with it. Filling in a bit more of my wonderful childhood.
Every time I try to write about it, I just feel like crying. Tears come and confused feelings. The biggest one is just feeling so alone. Now, I know I am not alone in the present with such a loving husband and wonderful children as well as all my precious Spark friends. I am trying so hard to keep the junk in the past but they keep seeping up. I feel like that 5 y/o so alone with nobody to help her. Abandoned, overwhelmingly sad.
You would never know with that cute little smile of my Kindergarten picture. I am psychic, have had lots of training and teaching about angels, guides the Universe and all. I feel ashamed that I am supposed to be an example yet still feeling like that 5 y/o all alone begging for help. Wanting the terror to end but no help in sight. I was tortured for 3 days and nights when my mother and stepfather ran and got married. By my own father, uncle, neighbors and several Navy men my dad worked with. They wouldn't let me sleep, they just partied and drank beer each taking their turn with me. ummmm
.....I am not sure if I can do this. I just wanted to be a good girl. To be loved but not the way they told me. It didn't matter how much it hurt, if good girls did it, than so did I. I wanted to be special, good, loved. I would do anything to be a "good girl". I pushed away the pain, this was my daddy and he loved me right? He said this is what love is and good girls are.
I keep slipping back and forth between worlds, the world of the NOW and the world of the PAST. I try to use the tools I have but just seems like there is a big block somehow. So unbearably alone. Even when mama and step daddy came home it was more torture. Daddy slept with me telling me that I am his now because they were married. He can have me every night. More confusion, more pain, more ALONE!
I can't say what all happened, just want to cry. I keep asking for my angels to help me and it is as if I was back then ALONE, I feel nothing, alone, sad. I know for a fact that I have angels, guides and a Supreme Being that loves me and are with me every day. So why am I still feeling so lost, alone and confused? This memory must have been really horrible to mess me up like this, to even give me doubt of my angels.
I will keep working on using my tools, working to get rid of this pain and all that went with this memory. Each time I keep hoping that this is the last one and WHEW!!! but something else comes up. After I get done with one layer of memories, I get ambushed with more.
I am strong, I know that. I have so much love around me as well as in my heart. I just need to convince that little 5 y/o of it too.
Gosh, I sure hope nobody reads any of this. They would really think I am crazy. I just want to be normal and have some peace.
Carol says that I am just getting their poison out of me. That is NOT easy, I tell you. I am mentally, physically and everything else exhausted.
I hope to go to bed early.
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1_AMAZING_WOMAN
12/24/2009 2:20AM
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The peeling of the layers of the onion (so to speak), does eventually come to an end. At least it pretty much has for me. In the 1980's is when things really kept coming to my memory. After that the peeling of the layers slowed down. But a couple years ago some more came up which was hard to handle. It was basically stuff that (inside) I knew, but did not allow myself to see. Then when my mother told me (a couple years ago) that 'this time' she was going to send someone to do a hit on me (kill me) and 'this time' she would succeed. It was at that point that all the 'incidents' that I had tried to deny the true reality of, came fully into focus. And I then had to deal with the pain from having it fully sink in all the things about my mother, and that it was never going to be that I could get her to love me. I went into a deep depression of it. And I completely cut contact with my mother (something I had done several times in my life, but she would always SEND PEOPLE after me) and then I would give in and renew the contact with her. This time I never renewed contact. I still live with the very real threat that THIS TIME she will send someone who will succeed in 'finishing the job' (doing a hit on me). Some mother! Anyway, since then I have had no other things come up that I wasn't already fully aware of. But, still, these things from my past affect my days. Certain times of the year is very difficult: spring (when Dad would 'get wild'), fall (when Dad would again 'get wild'), the 4th of July, Christmas, etc. etc. etc. There is something all the time that impacts on my life today. For one thing, even after all these years, I cannot sleep at night. No matter how exhausted I am, if I go to bed at night, I 'wake up' and cannot sleep. It has to be at least 3 am before I can sleep. This really affects my ability to be involved with much outside the home. It adds a lot of stress in trying to get things done before places close up. It causes me to have to literally lose most of a night's sleep if I do have to get up early to go to a doctors appointment etc. In short, even though 'the onion is peeled' this stuff still affects most every facit of my life. Report Inappropriate Comment |
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PIGLETSMALL
6/21/2009 5:30AM
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Sweet Jetta, you are certainly not crazy. My heart goes out to you for all the horror done to you. You will get through this, you ARE getting through this and you will shine. Hugs x
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NAN71486
6/14/2009 5:47PM
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My dad drank when I was a child and I had 5 sisters (no brothers). But, my dad NEVER ever looked at us other than his babies! I can't even imagine your pain! But as usual, you are putting your pain into words and hopefully this will help you get rid of these painful memories! Take care of yourself. Your friend, Nancy 
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LAUREL220
6/13/2009 12:54PM
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You may not feel like it at times, but I can tell you are a strong woman. You have a good heart. You have always been a good girl in the true sense and not on anyone else's terms. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Well, something precious was killed inside you then but now you are coming back to life. At the end of this pain is a rainbow and a pot of gold. What matters in this life is kindness, goodness, love, qualities which you exhibit often. Much love to you. I can't say I understand your pain, but I know that it is nothing that anyone should have to endure. -Laurel
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RENA1965
6/12/2009 9:21PM
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Sounds like you need a huge again, I felt that terror you explained of having family abuse you.. Stay strong, forgive your self too you were just a defenseless kid with no one to give you honest decent guidance and mostly protect you.. hugs Rena (Drunk adults say anything to get their way, don't let the munipulation play with your head) Report Inappropriate Comment |
