Sunday, June 28, 2009
I am so happy it is over. The wedding went well and only had to see that old shriveled up man. He came up to me but I did not look at him. YUK. Anyways, don't want to dwell on that.
Nicole was beautiful. She was so tired at the end she was saying. "I am tired of being the show" I thought, well, you are the show!! She is not used to be in the spotlight. We got them a room for the night at the same hotel we were staying which was cool. But my 12 y/o kept wanting to bug them. You know how boys are! They left this morning on a motorcycle which I am not pleased about. But that is what they wanted. To drive to NM then on to Las Vegas and back. On the road for a couple of weeks. I just hope and pray they keep safe.
Nicole was in a motorcycle accident barely a month ago. Someone cut her off and she hurt herself pretty bad. Both knees and ankles were badly sprained. In braces up to a couple of days ago. When I was viewing the wedding pics on my computer I noticed that the more tired she got, that her left eye drooped more and more which is new. That is not her normally. Now I am worried that something is wrong medically and REALLY worry about them out on that motorcycle. I went to them this morning and told them of my concern and told my new son in law that please take care of my baby and pay special attention to her if any headaches, nausea or any weakness whatsoever.
I am a nurse and therefore worry about everything. I was awake half the night thinking the worst but praying that nothing is wrong. They said that they would go get her checked out when they get back but that is after they are on the road and she on the back of a Motorcycle. I hope I am worrying about nothing and she is ok.
Their apartment was a mess and if I could stay an extra day, I would love to just clean up their whole place and they were using a card table for a dinner table so we bought them a decent set at K-Mart. Solid wood, I hope they will be ok.
We are meeting my brother out here for dinner tomorrow. I haven't seen him for about 9 years or so. A little nervous about that.
Well, off to see the town now, we just got settled into our hotel.
Know that you all are my family and are deeply cared about.
Love and hugs!!!!!!!
They were just starting out and had gone in to eat when a woman had backed into their Motorcycle. Geeeeeeesh, people don't see them even if they are parked.
They are now in New Mexico camping with my ex and my other 2 kids so I am glad they are all together. They are all going on to Colorado tomorrow. I feel better that they are all together even though they are on the Motor cycle.
Today went well as far as the visit of my brother. He looks so much like my father. IT TOOK ME BY TOTAL SURPRISE! I am not sure how I am handling it now that he is gone. Don't get me wrong, he is good and loves me, he even brought me an antique clock and we took him out to dinner. Had a good time. but now that he is gone, I feel really sad, not sure if it is because he is gone or that he looked so much like my dad who has been dead for 30 years. As I am writing this I feel like in a panic inside because of the flash backs of my father. but I have to keep telling myself that he is my brother and not the father who hurt me. I am not a child anymore.
Geeeeeeeesh, something good turns so scarey. I will not let the past ruin this. It was my wonderful brother.
Sorry, good night
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I am doing so much better today. I am not sure what happened in Therapy yesterday but yeaa I am back. I think I was angry and confused at the angels who was just sort of standing there while I was being hurt all those times. I saw them, the angles at my side but the confusion of why didn't they stop them or take me away? Why did they just stand there and do nothing? .
There were so many times that I was held or they were just by my side to help m get through all the torture that they were doing to the body. A little 2, 3, 4 or 5 y/o doesn't understand why they had to keep going back to that bad place and be hurt again and again. Why couldn't I just stay there with the angels and let the body be dead?
Especially the giant one who just stood there with his sword and did nothing, just watched. Geeeeeesh, I was angry, it was so much easier to be angry (and safer) to the angels instead of the mama and both daddies whom I loved. The angels really didn't care and understood why I was mad at them. You know what? That was ok then, but I need to take the anger off of them and put it where it belongs.
My heart cries so deep with despair and pain for what my own Mother, father, step father and uncle did to me. Not even mentioning all the others in the cult and neighbors. How could they do that to a sweet beautiful little girl?
So many pieces, so much pain to one little body, in one day let alone one lifetime. Why can't I believe it is real and truly happened? Why is it so hard for me to accept that it is not a lie, that I am not crazy, that it was not my fault, that I couldn't possibly have made all this stuff up.
WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THAT???????????????????
WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THAT THERE ARE OVER 310 OF US????????
WHY CAN'T I BE ANGRY AT THE ABUSERS AND NOT ME?????????
WHY CAN'T I LOVE ME AND HATE WHAT THEY DID TO ME?????????
DEAR ANGELS, PLEASE HELP ME LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
PLEASE HELP ME FORGIVE MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF THERE IS A G*D, PLEASE LET ME HAVE A LIFE AND A LITTLE PEACE OK??????????????????????
IT IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!
IT IS NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!
IT IS NOT REAL!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO SORRY I LIED!!!!! SORRY I GOT SO MAD at the angels
just don't want to hurt no more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just wanted a good mama an daddy!!!!!!!
want to be a good girl, a good daughter!!!!!!
just so sorryyyyyyyyy
Friday, June 12, 2009
My daughter is getting married at the end of this month and unfortunately, it has brought up some hidden memories along with it. Filling in a bit more of my wonderful childhood.
Every time I try to write about it, I just feel like crying. Tears come and confused feelings. The biggest one is just feeling so alone. Now, I know I am not alone in the present with such a loving husband and wonderful children as well as all my precious Spark friends. I am trying so hard to keep the junk in the past but they keep seeping up. I feel like that 5 y/o so alone with nobody to help her. Abandoned, overwhelmingly sad.
You would never know with that cute little smile of my Kindergarten picture. I am psychic, have had lots of training and teaching about angels, guides the Universe and all. I feel ashamed that I am supposed to be an example yet still feeling like that 5 y/o all alone begging for help. Wanting the terror to end but no help in sight. I was tortured for 3 days and nights when my mother and stepfather ran and got married. By my own father, uncle, neighbors and several Navy men my dad worked with. They wouldn't let me sleep, they just partied and drank beer each taking their turn with me. ummmm
.....I am not sure if I can do this. I just wanted to be a good girl. To be loved but not the way they told me. It didn't matter how much it hurt, if good girls did it, than so did I. I wanted to be special, good, loved. I would do anything to be a "good girl". I pushed away the pain, this was my daddy and he loved me right? He said this is what love is and good girls are.
I keep slipping back and forth between worlds, the world of the NOW and the world of the PAST. I try to use the tools I have but just seems like there is a big block somehow. So unbearably alone. Even when mama and step daddy came home it was more torture. Daddy slept with me telling me that I am his now because they were married. He can have me every night. More confusion, more pain, more ALONE!
I can't say what all happened, just want to cry. I keep asking for my angels to help me and it is as if I was back then ALONE, I feel nothing, alone, sad. I know for a fact that I have angels, guides and a Supreme Being that loves me and are with me every day. So why am I still feeling so lost, alone and confused? This memory must have been really horrible to mess me up like this, to even give me doubt of my angels.
I will keep working on using my tools, working to get rid of this pain and all that went with this memory. Each time I keep hoping that this is the last one and WHEW!!! but something else comes up. After I get done with one layer of memories, I get ambushed with more.
I am strong, I know that. I have so much love around me as well as in my heart. I just need to convince that little 5 y/o of it too.
Gosh, I sure hope nobody reads any of this. They would really think I am crazy. I just want to be normal and have some peace.
Carol says that I am just getting their poison out of me. That is NOT easy, I tell you. I am mentally, physically and everything else exhausted.
I hope to go to bed early.
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