Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Healing isn't always easy. Sometimes progress is hard to notice. Then there are times when it just seems to sneak up on you and you just know that a small part of your soul has been healed.
My spirit was broken. Years ago I fell in love, and I lost that love. It took many years to finally let go of the pain that I felt at his leaving. I had tried to love others but could never fully give my heart to anyone else. It wasn't that I expected to get my love back, or even that I really wanted him back. It was fear of having to go through that pain again.
Sometimes, I would be overcome by the loneliness, and settle for a companion whom I knew was incompatible with me. We would develop a fast friendship that eased the feelings of loneliness for both of us but eventually led to frustration of not being in a "real" relationship. One in which feelings for each other were beyond fond friendship, sexual attraction, or at least a hint of a future together. It's not these relationships weren't mutually beneficial to both parties. We gained companionship during our lonely hours, a fašade to hide behind. Friendship but not love. Behind these facades, I could continue nursing my hurt.
When these relationships failed, I could walk away and hold my head high knowing it was never meant to be. I could dive into my career and pretend that all was good. I told myself and all around that I was independent and did not need a man to complete me. That much is true, but I should have taken a moment to look at what I truly did need before the crushing blows came.
First came a crushing blow to my dream career. A serious of unfortunate events chipped away at that dream and shook my confidence so badly that even the thought of entering that field in any manner drew me to tears. I couldn't even imagine doing anything remotely resembling that career pathway without breaking down under the grief of that shattered dream. But I found the strength to pick up the pieces and pursue a career down a familiar road. Years of success built a confidence in me like none I had known before.
But then several small blows hit one after another. A terribly wrong man who worked hard at cutting down every bit of confidence and self worth I held. An accident that left me with life altering injuries. A downward spiral emotionally took me to depths of despair as I battled to regain any sense of self. Unable to walk without crutches or canes, massive weight gain, severe side effects from pain killers, and a verbally abusive and physically threatening man systematically cutting me off from all my support system left me a shell of a person. Finally the last of my support was pulled out from under me as my employers could no longer leave such a crippled personality in charge of a thriving business. My job was terminated and I was left without any thread of self worth.
It was a turning point. I knew I had to do something to turn things around. I ran. I packed up everything and ran close to family looking for support. I found some for a short time, but as their lives went on, I was soon just a person in the background again. I struggled and found minor victories in searching out a new career path. I managed to secure a good job and although I don't think I will ever be fully confident that it is secure, I am very capable of doing it well. I have set down roots by purchasing a home last spring.
But I knew that the true healing was occurring when the latest wrong man called things to a halt, and instead of falling into another downward spiral, I found myself pursuing activities that I hadn't down in years. Simple things, jigsaw puzzles, reading books for pleasure, writing, sketching, dancing in the kitchen, exercising. It was then that I realized that in all these years, healing was finally happening. I had finally begun to find myself.
Perhaps one day I will find someone to join me on this journey of life, perhaps not. But this time, I will ensure that a future can be visualized because my heart can be given.
Friday, January 03, 2014
Well it's 2014 already. I don't know where the time goes. 2013 is going to be a tough year to beat. That's the year I purchased my first home. 2014 is going to be the year I put in landscaping instead of an open dirt lot surrounded by other dirt (and weed filled) lots.
I am hoping that it will be the year that I can finally say, I got control over my weight and got it back down. That's why I hired a trainer and I am heading to the gym regularly.
That's all the goals I have for this year... hopefully, I can set a few more as time passes.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
So our local radio station has a promotion running to provide Christmas Miracles to 15 families in need from the local area. The families were nominated by listeners. It's a wonderful thing that the radio station and community is doing. Yet still my heart is saddened. All the miracles they are looking for can be solved with an monetary donation. What saddens my heart is that, to me a Christmas Miracle should be something more substantial.
Last year, I faced my first Christmas without either parents. As a single woman that has never been married or never had children, I thought for sure that my brothers would invite me to share Christmas dinner with them. I was wrong and devastated. My new neighbor, who knew very little about me invited me to share Christmas Eve lunch with her and her family. Being surrounded by family (even if it wasn't my own) made that Christmas so much easier to get through. That was my own little Christmas miracle.
This year is different, those friends that were checking in on me last year have gone back to being busy with their own families and Christmas plans, and I find myself spending most evenings alone with a t.v. line up filled with holiday cheer aimed at bringing families and friends together. I have never felt so lonely in my life. No reason to shop, no big fancy meals or dates to Christmas parties. No need to hang decorations because no one but me to see them. Friends that normally have time to share with me are spread so thin there doesn't seem to be time for a solitary figure. But then a small voice reached out. It belonged to a little 7 year old girl. She was all excited about her Christmas program and ran over to invite me to attend. I smiled and promised her I would go. She's my little Christmas miracle this year. I'm still alone but there is someone out there that wants to include me in her celebrations and I smile.
I am hoping that I can spread that cheer - invites to all who I know that live alone. So far no bites (most have children, or siblings, or parents to spend Christmas with) but many eyes twinkling with the knowledge that someone wants them.
So if you have taken the time to read this, please take the time to expand your Christmas celebrations for someone in your area that might be alone. It doesn't need to be for Christmas day, just part of the holiday cheer. Maybe you could be a Christmas Miracle for someone and it won't cost you to anything more than time.
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