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Healing over time.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Healing isn't always easy. Sometimes progress is hard to notice. Then there are times when it just seems to sneak up on you and you just know that a small part of your soul has been healed.

My spirit was broken. Years ago I fell in love, and I lost that love. It took many years to finally let go of the pain that I felt at his leaving. I had tried to love others but could never fully give my heart to anyone else. It wasn't that I expected to get my love back, or even that I really wanted him back. It was fear of having to go through that pain again.

Sometimes, I would be overcome by the loneliness, and settle for a companion whom I knew was incompatible with me. We would develop a fast friendship that eased the feelings of loneliness for both of us but eventually led to frustration of not being in a "real" relationship. One in which feelings for each other were beyond fond friendship, sexual attraction, or at least a hint of a future together. It's not these relationships weren't mutually beneficial to both parties. We gained companionship during our lonely hours, a fašade to hide behind. Friendship but not love. Behind these facades, I could continue nursing my hurt.

When these relationships failed, I could walk away and hold my head high knowing it was never meant to be. I could dive into my career and pretend that all was good. I told myself and all around that I was independent and did not need a man to complete me. That much is true, but I should have taken a moment to look at what I truly did need before the crushing blows came.

First came a crushing blow to my dream career. A serious of unfortunate events chipped away at that dream and shook my confidence so badly that even the thought of entering that field in any manner drew me to tears. I couldn't even imagine doing anything remotely resembling that career pathway without breaking down under the grief of that shattered dream. But I found the strength to pick up the pieces and pursue a career down a familiar road. Years of success built a confidence in me like none I had known before.

But then several small blows hit one after another. A terribly wrong man who worked hard at cutting down every bit of confidence and self worth I held. An accident that left me with life altering injuries. A downward spiral emotionally took me to depths of despair as I battled to regain any sense of self. Unable to walk without crutches or canes, massive weight gain, severe side effects from pain killers, and a verbally abusive and physically threatening man systematically cutting me off from all my support system left me a shell of a person. Finally the last of my support was pulled out from under me as my employers could no longer leave such a crippled personality in charge of a thriving business. My job was terminated and I was left without any thread of self worth.

It was a turning point. I knew I had to do something to turn things around. I ran. I packed up everything and ran close to family looking for support. I found some for a short time, but as their lives went on, I was soon just a person in the background again. I struggled and found minor victories in searching out a new career path. I managed to secure a good job and although I don't think I will ever be fully confident that it is secure, I am very capable of doing it well. I have set down roots by purchasing a home last spring.

But I knew that the true healing was occurring when the latest wrong man called things to a halt, and instead of falling into another downward spiral, I found myself pursuing activities that I hadn't down in years. Simple things, jigsaw puzzles, reading books for pleasure, writing, sketching, dancing in the kitchen, exercising. It was then that I realized that in all these years, healing was finally happening. I had finally begun to find myself.

Perhaps one day I will find someone to join me on this journey of life, perhaps not. But this time, I will ensure that a future can be visualized because my heart can be given.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIEBEAN 2/18/2014 7:26PM

    Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to all of us to have overcome such obstacles! I am very happy for you!


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CATLADY52 2/18/2014 5:05PM

    Getting to know who you are is the first step and you have that. Now just take another step toward your future. emoticon

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DIANAOR1 2/18/2014 1:58PM

    I commend you for your positivity. As long as you continue to forge ahead only good things can happen. Continue on your journey of healing.


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Bad trainer issues.

Friday, January 17, 2014

So I decided to bite the bullet and hire a trainer. Figured that if I had someone to show me the proper form of various exercises and to be there to correct me if I lose my form that I might gain a little confidence in doing the exercises. Also, if there is someone waiting for me to work out, I would be less likely to blow off the exercise session. Someone that could push me a little further than I would push myself but not push me to the point of injury. Someone that would help me develop a routine or two of exercises to do.

Well I was wrong. My trainer rarely makes it to the gym for our Monday evening work out. Never shows up on at 5:15 pm as scheduled but anytime between 5:40 and 6:15 - if at all. When she is there, I have no sense of preparation of routine but whatever feels good at the moment. We bounce from legs to abs to upper body. Some sets are 12, some are 15, some are 30. It doesn't seem to be based on whether or not I am struggling with the exercise. Then there is my recent injury. I injured my wrist just before our first meeting 5 weeks ago. (Bad enough that simply turning my hands and arms can cause a shot of pain to rise up.) I didn't know how I injured it - figured it might be my tendonitis flaring up at first - still not sure. When I told her that, the next day she chose to do an upper body routine with weight. I wore a brace but it still hurt. The next session, I told her that it felt better but was still sore - she insisted on me tossing a small medicine ball back and forth with her. Then she wanted me to do one arm push ups with 8lb weights. I told her that I have never been able to do a push up and that was beyond my skill. She insisted that I try her exercise. I told her that I can't lift an 8 lb weight with my injured wrist so she handed me a 5 pound one. I didn't do the exercise.
I have decided to drop her. So now I am looking for a good trainer.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IM-SO-WORTH-IT 1/19/2014 10:28PM

    I have fired her. Reporting her to the management wouldn't do a darn thing...she's the owner/operator of the gym. It's not part of a chain. This is a very small village I live in.

So I will be traveling to work out in a gym. Not too thrilled with that but it's better than injury.

Thanks to all of you for your comments and support. I don't feel so bad about letting her go now.

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KRITTEN1 1/18/2014 10:47AM

    I hope the next trainer works out much better!

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FANGFACEKITTY 1/18/2014 4:26AM

    Fire her, report her conduct to the gym and demand a refund or other compensation. You are paying for a specific period of time and if you are not receiving it you are owed a refund.

And do, please, especially report her conduct to the gym or whoever her manager is. By insisting you do activities that you have repeatedly told here you are not physically/medically able to do right now, she risks causing you injury, which opens the gym or training company up to liability. No manager wants that. And they need the feedback to either help her or replace her. "Causing" someone to lose her job sounds harsh but really, she hasn't been doing her job well and has actually been causing harm to her clients and to the reputation of her employer. It is strictly her own actions that will lead to her consequences.

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KELLIEBEAN 1/17/2014 10:08PM

    Good call dropping her. She would only lead you to injure yourself. I would let the gym know too before she hurts others.

I agree, you should interview the next one. Find out their qualifications and their plan to suit you needs and injuries.

I hope the next one is better!

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GETSTRONGRRR 1/17/2014 6:30PM

    Run, don't walk!!

I've worked with dozens of trainers over the last 10 years. The last guy I trained with I kept on 3x/week for over three years. He was great.

Trainers are employees, just like hiring a guy to cut your lawn or remodel your kitchen. Interview them, tell them what your goals are, have them tell you how they will help you achieve your goals, and build a plan TAILORED for you.

I demand that my trainers be knowledgeable about exercises, that they make sure my form is correct, that they answer my questions, and that they push me beyond what I can do on my own, but I tell them that their first job is to do NO HARM!

Fire her....if she works through an agency or a gym, report her tardiness and demand a refund or another trainer.....people like that don't deserve to be teaching

Give me a shout if you want any help!

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LITTLEDUTCH 1/17/2014 2:59PM

    it sounds like dropping her is the right choice. I would be really mad when she doesn't show up and really concerned that her exercise choices would hurt me. If she really believes that what she is doing is right, she should be explaining to you why!

Good luck.

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Friday, January 03, 2014

Well it's 2014 already. I don't know where the time goes. 2013 is going to be a tough year to beat. That's the year I purchased my first home. 2014 is going to be the year I put in landscaping instead of an open dirt lot surrounded by other dirt (and weed filled) lots.

I am hoping that it will be the year that I can finally say, I got control over my weight and got it back down. That's why I hired a trainer and I am heading to the gym regularly.

That's all the goals I have for this year... hopefully, I can set a few more as time passes.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIEBEAN 1/3/2014 7:56AM

    Great goals for the year! Congratulations on your new house!!

Here's to a rockin 2014!


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HIKING-4-ME 1/3/2014 7:24AM


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Miracle Update

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

So for those who did not read my last post - a quick refresh. I am alone and lonely since the death of my Mother a year and a half ago. Last year a new neighbor made my holidays, by inviting me to share their Christmas Eve. This year all the friends that had kept me on their holiday thoughts have returned to normal life and are too busy with their plans to include me. I never felt so alone. But I one little girl in the neighborhood was my Christmas Miracle because she invited me to the Christmas Concert she was in. I took that spirit and ran with it. I began inviting others who might be finding themselves alone this Christmas to share it with me. In my last post I had no bites.

So here's the update - Christmas Eve, spending it with 4 others.
Christmas Day looks like 9 to 10 for dinner. (Only one couple, the others all single)
Boxing Day, Dinner for 12.

AMAZING!!! Who would have thought that within just 10 days, I could find so many others that would be alone....

Have you invited that person you know that might be alone this Christmas to share your table? Apparently there are more of us than you would think....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITANDFIFTY2 12/20/2012 12:54AM

    That is absolutely Wonderful!! Enjoy!! How sweet yours as well as these others holiday will be.. new friends , new traditions... Merry Christmas!

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Christmas Miracles

Sunday, December 09, 2012

So our local radio station has a promotion running to provide Christmas Miracles to 15 families in need from the local area. The families were nominated by listeners. It's a wonderful thing that the radio station and community is doing. Yet still my heart is saddened. All the miracles they are looking for can be solved with an monetary donation. What saddens my heart is that, to me a Christmas Miracle should be something more substantial.
Last year, I faced my first Christmas without either parents. As a single woman that has never been married or never had children, I thought for sure that my brothers would invite me to share Christmas dinner with them. I was wrong and devastated. My new neighbor, who knew very little about me invited me to share Christmas Eve lunch with her and her family. Being surrounded by family (even if it wasn't my own) made that Christmas so much easier to get through. That was my own little Christmas miracle.
This year is different, those friends that were checking in on me last year have gone back to being busy with their own families and Christmas plans, and I find myself spending most evenings alone with a t.v. line up filled with holiday cheer aimed at bringing families and friends together. I have never felt so lonely in my life. No reason to shop, no big fancy meals or dates to Christmas parties. No need to hang decorations because no one but me to see them. Friends that normally have time to share with me are spread so thin there doesn't seem to be time for a solitary figure. But then a small voice reached out. It belonged to a little 7 year old girl. She was all excited about her Christmas program and ran over to invite me to attend. I smiled and promised her I would go. She's my little Christmas miracle this year. I'm still alone but there is someone out there that wants to include me in her celebrations and I smile.
I am hoping that I can spread that cheer - invites to all who I know that live alone. So far no bites (most have children, or siblings, or parents to spend Christmas with) but many eyes twinkling with the knowledge that someone wants them.
So if you have taken the time to read this, please take the time to expand your Christmas celebrations for someone in your area that might be alone. It doesn't need to be for Christmas day, just part of the holiday cheer. Maybe you could be a Christmas Miracle for someone and it won't cost you to anything more than time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TJCADDO 12/9/2012 9:55PM

    I know what you mean. The sweet 7 year olds in this world bring alot of joy. And she really means for you to come. She will be looking for you.

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CASTIRONLADY 12/9/2012 9:52PM

    Truly a Christmas Miracle.

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STUDLEEJOE 12/9/2012 9:50PM

    wonderful post Merry Christmas emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 12/9/2012 9:50PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss and the insensitivity of your family and friends. But what a miracle your attitude is, to really appreciate a hand even though you are lonely. I am new to my area and haven't experienced the kindness of others in that way yet, but the first chance I get I am going to put out my hand and see what I can do for someone else.

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DIANAHALLOCK 12/9/2012 9:50PM


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