Tuesday, January 05, 2010
I think I overdid things yesterday. I was feeling better and I tried to cram my normal schedule back into my life (on top of sending the kids back to school after a two week vacation and all), and added in exercise and all sorts of crazy things... and I paid for it today, heh. I woke up nearly as miserable as I'd been all weekend. And to top it off, it seems my daughter is getting the cold too. So I was pretty miserable all day and since my husband works during the week, it was just me and the kiddo at home (both kiddos, after my son got out of school), and I was beat. I tried to rest and sleep in the morning but even though Oksana was sick she wasn't having much of that. In the afternoon she had a haircut appointment (her first ever!) so I had to take her to that, and I ended up getting one too, which helped a tad in the self-esteem department, if not the 'feeling better' department.
So today was a comfort foods day. I ate more like I used to eat - fast, cheapo carbs that are easy but not so good for me. I tracked breakfast and lunch but gave up on snacks and dinner, and I could probably guesstimate but I'm not even going to bother because I don't want it to become a chore. I didn't do great today foodwise but I'm not beating myself up over it either. I don't really care. One day out of the entire year isn't going to make or break me. My blood sugar numbers were still pretty good all day - borderline low most of the day, actually. A tad on the high side before dinner but overall pretty good. I was sick, I was miserable, I needed to eat, I did what I could. Tomorrow is another day.
The only thing I know I need to be cautious about is not letting MOST days be 'whatever' days. That's the slippery slope I've caught myself on in the past. "I'll just eat whatever I want on special occasions, and eat healthy on regular days." Except suddenly every day becomes a 'special occasion', and every day becomes an excuse to treat myself for SOME reason. I really don't feel like that's the case here though.
The other difference is I've worked to DEFINE healthy eating for myself this time. In the past I've never done that. I've given it thought, sure, but this time I have an actual healthy eating PLAN I'm following with rules and stuff. So that makes a difference too. It was just too much to work to follow those rules today when I was miserable and just wanted to lay in bed all day.
I am feeling better right now, amazingly, and plan on getting to bed pretty soon so I can get plenty of rest and hopefully continue to feel better tomorrow. Hopefully today is the end of this infernal cold and I can start kicking butt once more tomorrow!
Insulin doses today:
Levemir: 49 (that's what was left in the pen, heh)
Novolog: 13 / 12 / 15
Blood sugar today:
pre-breakfast / fasting: 95
post-lunch (snacktime): 98
So a tad on the high side with those last two, but as noted, it was a high-carb, low-exercise (hell, low MOVEMENT period!) day, so I'm not surprised. Tomorrow will be a better day. Now, off to bed!
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
So my bedtime blood sugar was too low, meaning I had to eat to bring it back up a bit. Which is disappointing because it pushed me over my calorie limit AND my carb limit for the day. Still too much insulin! Which is good, lowering the insulin dose is always good. But for now, it feels like a bit of a setback.
It's also not fun 'indulging' in sweet snacks anymore, at least not for this purpose. If I'm going to have a bit of semi-sweet chocolate chips, I want to savor and indulge. I don't want to quickly snarf the whole thing down so I can set the timer for 15 minutes and maybe do it again. And again. And again. Sigh.
Bedtime blood sugar reading(s): 78 / 85 / 109
Monday, January 04, 2010
SparkPeople is such a great place; even when I haven't made myself very active in my communities again, when you're feeling down, if you but ask for help, people come in droves to give it. That's what I love best about being here - people here UNDERSTAND the struggle, and want to help. Thank you, everyone, who chimed in to help raise my spirits when they were so down yesterday.
It's funny how you come across the things you need right when you need them. I used the Biggest Loser Wii game for the first time today, and there in the virtual gym, a BIG SIGN on the wall - a quote from Bob Harper, my favorite trainer ever, I have such a crush on Bob. "Believe in yourself, trust the process, change forever." TRUST THE PROCESS. That's one of the hardest parts for me. I'm not trusting the process. I'm still looking for loopholes, and when things aren't working quite the way I want yet, I'm not giving it time; I'm not confident in the process. "Trust the process, change forever." That's what I'm working to accomplish here.
Today was the kids' first day back at school after winter break, and as such it was my first day back on my rigorous schedule. As a diabetic, following a fairly set schedule is a GOOD thing. I had the devil's own time getting to sleep last night, but I didn't have much trouble waking up on time this morning, thankfully. And overall today I've felt pretty good. I added in one fruit and two starches to my day for this week - one per meal. It feels pretty balanced to me, and I like this better. I'm still trying to work up to being a big veggie eater - it does not come natural to me AT ALL, and it's really hard for me to eat vegetables in any quantity. So I'm starting with small quantities, trying to eat everything I give myself, and then when that feels fairly easy I'll increase it a bit. Since this is such a struggle for me, I don't think Phase One of South Beach is the best plan for me at this time - I'm trying to supplement my lack of veggies and beans with fats, basically, and I don't think that's exactly the wisest thing. I'm still eating under the carb level my dietician wants me to be at, even after adding the fruit and starches. I'm still lowering (on my own) my doses of insulin, trying to find the right balance. I'm tracking all of these changes so when I fax the report to my doctor's office on Thursday they will know exactly what I've done.
I still had two instances of low blood sugar today. It wasn't as hard to bring them back up to where they need to be though. I've had a couple of minor headache twinges, but so far (knock on wood) no full-blown headache. Maybe it was part blood sugar issues, part carb cravings that was making me so sick. Or maybe tonight's a fluke. Only time will tell! (Way to be optimistic, right, Kristi?)
Using the "weight and other measurements" tab from the start page, I took a lot of my measurements today, did my monthly fitness tests (FAIL, but I knew that. however, it was a bit of a surprise to me that I wasn't even able to do ONE proper crunch. NOT ONE. ouch.), and even took some really unflattering pictures of myself and posted them in my photo gallery. Hopefully those unflattering pictures will soon become flattering!
Oh, and I exercised today. Lightly, because I'm still sick from the weekend. Feeling better, but still on the mend. But I started up the Biggest Loser Wii game and even did a couple of circuits with Bob. It felt good to move a bit, even if I couldn't move MUCH.
Levemir dose - 50 units
Novolog doses - 14, 12, 15
Blood sugar today:
haven't taken bedtime yet
Monday, January 04, 2010
I am miserable, sick and miserable. My cold is getting a little better I think, though it's moved to my throat and I'm still not 100% there. But I'm not talking about that tonight, I'm talking about my diabetes, it's making me miserable, I can't get a handle on it, it's killing me. My blood sugar continues to drop too low, even though I keep adjusting my insulin down, I keep having these drops, and then because I'm sick with the cold I am not eating on a regular schedule this weekend and that's making it worse; this afternoon I had a drop that I had the devil's own time bringing back up to normal, I had to eat a TON, for an hour and a half I had to keep eating and testing and eating and testing before it would finally go up, and then it went up TOO high, I'm yo yo ing all over. I have had headaches nearly every night for well over a month now. Occasionally they make their way into migraine territory. The past week most of them have been migraines. Right now I have a migraine. Excedrin Migraine used to knock them out but now it doesn't even take the edge off. Neither does Advil. I get one and I just have to ride it out. Sometimes sleeping doesn't even make them go away. I took the Excedrin and all it does is make me nauseous, so now on top of the terrible head pain I feel like barfing too. I'm lying in bed, trying to push through the nausea and the head pain and just GO TO SLEEP, and I can't, I'm too miserable, and then I'm stressing myself further because tomorrow the kids go back to school and we all have to get up early, get ready, I have to get up and make this happen and walk them to school and I wasn't looking forward to that anyway because I'm miserable and it's freezing cold here, and now I'ms tressed on top of that because it's past midnight and I can't f*cking fall asleep because I feel too miserable and also I can't shut my brain off. And I'm beating myself up on top of it all because it's MY OWN FAULT I feel this way, my own fault I stayed fat all these years, my own fault I ate crap all these years, my own fault I didn't do a better job controlling my diabetes when I was first diagnosed TWO YEARS AGO, and now I wish I could just WISH all my fat away and be magically better because I've been physically miserable for well over a MONTH now, and even though I think I'm seeing improvements with the changes I'm making I'm STILL miserable, and sometimes I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm supposed to be running a business, living my life, keeping my house clean, taking care of my children and I can't do ANYTHING but try to take care of myself right now, it's so frustrating, I feel like I'm watching my life pass me by and like I'm losing everything I've been working towards, it's all slipping away because I DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF WHEN I SHOULD HAVE. I have had one day, ONE DAY in this entire process where I mostly felt good. Otherwise I feel like crap pretty much all the time. It's getting hard to hold out hope that I will EVER feel good again.
I am modifying my diet yet again tomorrow. I've decided to jump right into the middle of phase two of the South Beach Diet. It obviously works, and if I were non-diabetic or possibly even a diabetic who was still on pills it would be great. But for a diabetic on insulin it just doesn't seem I'm getting ENOUGH carbs with my diet right now. I'm also eating too much fat, though that is a fault of my own and not the diet's. But I think I'll do better on a low-carb diet that isn't quite as restricted as Phase One. At least for now. It's just not working for my health. I AM losing weight but I'm still completely miserable and my blood sugar is still uncontrolled, though in the totally opposite direction now (too low). And since I am supposed to end up in Phase Two in a couple weeks anyway, I don't want to lower my insulin levels so much only to have to bring them back up. So I'm just going to start eating the way the longer-term part of South Beach dictates right away. I should still lose weight, but hopefully my insulin levels will stabilize.
And I'm calling my doctor tomorrow about these godd*mn headaches. They are only getting worse, and frankly it freaks me out. I don't know if it's a product of the blood sugar fluctuations, or if it's possible to have a bad reaction to insulin (though I was getting them long before I was on the insulin, it's just that they're worse now), or if I have a brain tumor. Whatever it is, I can't stand being in this much pain nearly every night. It's killing me.
Edited to add: you know what else is depressing? my five year old son keeps asking me if I'm going to die or be OK every time he sees me test my blood sugar. I've tried to explain diabetes to him in kid-friendly language and have tried to be reassuring but he sees how bad I've been feeling. Being cold-sick on top of feeling like crap in general has not helped to reassure him in the slightest because he can SEE how miserable I am. It's also hard to sound sincere when I have moments of doubt wherein I'm convinced I'm going to feel like sh*t for the rest of my life. This really sucks.
(It also sucks that SparkPeople does not allow profanity.)
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Sticking to South Beach when I'm sick is REALLY hard. I don't want to cook anything, and most of the stuff I can eat needs to be cooked... AND I want comfort food. Carbs. Doesn't have to be fancy. Fruit and a bowl of cereal would feel REAL good right about now.
Also eating ENOUGH to go along with my insulin while I'm sick is difficult. I don't want to eat much. Just a little bit.
Also I could really go for some hot chocolate. Comforting AND it would feel good on my throat.
My willpower is really low right now. I really want to just give up, have what I want, and start over again tomorrow. Except then I have to go through another whole week of this phase one crap. GURRRRRRRR DURRRR HURRR HURRR HURRR.
DAMNIT. This is frustrating.
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