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A bit of Aussie humour!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Thought you may enjoy a chuckle at some Aussie humour.

A bit of Aussie culcha

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie/bbq hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

P.S. A Ute—(an abbreviation of "utility vehicle"—in Australia and New Zealand) is a light motor vehicle with an open-top rear cargo area (bed) which is almost always separated from the cab to allow for chassis flex when carrying or pulling heavy loads.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEYSARAH 5/14/2011 11:45AM

    so funny..thanks for clearing up what a UTE was..funnier still finding from a commenter what a mozzie was lol...hate those!

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LODESTONE 5/12/2011 7:41AM

    Redneck jokes sound funnier in Aussie speak!

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LMB-ESQ 5/12/2011 7:18AM

    LOL.... not all that much different in the states!

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 5/12/2011 6:38AM

   

What can I say I love Aussie humour, I live it every day.

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NANT406 5/12/2011 5:04AM

    Thanks for the laughts! It's exactly what I needed. You have a great sense of humor Ania! emoticon

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PATJ7084 5/11/2011 6:08PM

    You always make me smile my friend emoticon

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MILLISMA 5/11/2011 5:02PM

    Love it!!! These are great!

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INGMARIE 5/11/2011 2:18PM

    emoticonThat was funny. loved it. emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/11/2011 1:45PM

    Now I can really talk Aussie while I'm having a chin wag

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PHEBESS 5/11/2011 12:02PM

    We gots plenny o' mozzies here, de mon!

(That's Caribbean-speak.)

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ILOVEROSES 5/11/2011 10:24AM

    Mozzie is a mosquito, a nasty pest around these parts!

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L*I*T*A* 5/11/2011 10:19AM

    wishing i could speak "Ausssie"
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SKEETER13887 5/11/2011 10:17AM

    You killed me! We have similar humor for different parts of the United States. One thing though - what the heck is a "mozzie"?

emoticon

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Actual Worlwide Signs.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN !!!! TO THE RIGHT

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL !!!! IN TUB.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO RUSSIA, YOU ARE WELCOME.

In a Bucharest Hotel lobby (really!):
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEYSARAH 5/14/2011 12:46PM

    Fun blog, thanks!

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MINNA72 5/11/2011 3:48PM

    Oh my... I needed the laugh! Thanks!

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DESERTDREAMERS 5/11/2011 1:51AM

    too funny!

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MILLISMA 5/10/2011 8:30PM

    Ania, these are funny!

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FEISTY1949 5/10/2011 8:17PM

    Good ones!!

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ARLENE_MOVES 5/10/2011 7:18PM

    Love these. Laughed and laughed!

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AIDELADE27 5/10/2011 2:34PM

    Loved these!

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PHEBESS 5/10/2011 11:23AM

    ROFL!!!!!!

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DOOBRIE 5/10/2011 11:02AM

    These are hilarious. I didn't know I was a disease emoticon

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JUSFOLK 5/10/2011 10:15AM

    emoticon
This is the best emoticon for this post! I have laughed until I have tears in my eyes! Thanks for sharing this!

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JWAKJA 5/10/2011 10:11AM

  Thanks for the laughs!

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2BLEAN_N_FIT_AZ 5/10/2011 10:10AM

    Thank You for my early morning giggles.
Hugs

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L*I*T*A* 5/10/2011 10:01AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Ozwords Competition!

Monday, May 09, 2011

The following were results for an Ozwords Competition
where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one
letter, and supply a new and witty definition.

You clearly need to be an Aussie to understand.


Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

Fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.

Shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

Crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 5/15/2011 9:09AM

    Good to know :)

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SEYSARAH 5/14/2011 11:47AM

    you know that..I'm not an Aussie and found it hysterical anyway..thanks for the laugh!

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L*I*T*A* 5/9/2011 3:40PM

    cool......wish i could speak aussie.... emoticon

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True stories from Doctors...

Sunday, May 08, 2011

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remarked the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
________________________________________
__________________
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
________________________________________
___________________
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
________________________________________
___________________
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
________________________________________
__________________
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered.. "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
________________________________________
__________________
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
________________________________________
__________________
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes entered. It was very quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANDIS799 5/9/2011 12:09PM

    Thanks for another good laugh!

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DOOBRIE 5/8/2011 4:13PM

    emoticon I really enjoyed those stories!

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PHEBESS 5/8/2011 11:44AM

    LOL!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!

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ERIN4771 5/8/2011 10:32AM

    too funny yet again!! so glad i subscribe to your blogs, they really do make my day!!!

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TIGERLILY34 5/8/2011 8:21AM

  your stories are so funny

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WARRIORMAMA 5/8/2011 7:58AM

    Hahaha! Always love a good laugh to start out the day! emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 5/8/2011 7:34AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POOF and the light goes off!

Saturday, May 07, 2011

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal.

The doctor says, " Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Gary replies, "God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary 's wife.
"Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?"

"OH MY Gosh!" Marianne exclaims.
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!"
emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MILLISMA 5/7/2011 8:02PM

    You got me on this one!!!! emoticon

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NANT406 5/7/2011 12:49PM

    Thanks for the joke! A good laught was exactly what I needed. emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/7/2011 10:46AM

    Oh no!!!!!

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DESERTDREAMERS 5/7/2011 7:14AM

    ow!

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ERIN4771 5/7/2011 6:35AM

    i think i know that guy emoticon...too funny!! thanks again for the giggle!!

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EOWYN2424 5/7/2011 4:47AM

    Lol!

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L*I*T*A* 5/7/2011 4:40AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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