Friday, May 13, 2011
The Recession has hit everybody.....
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
ESPECIALLY LOOK AT SCENE THREE.
This is a new one. People sure stay busy trying to cheat us, don't they?
A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself, 'Funny, I thought I locked the locker...
Hmm, 'He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order.
Everything looked okay - all cards were in place...
A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14,000!
He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make the transactions.
Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen...
'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep -
you guessed it - a switch had been made.
An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet.
The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.
Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them.
How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy?
$9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?
Small amounts rarely trigger a 'warning bell' with some credit card companies.
It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to a big one!
A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card.
The bill for the meal came, he signed it and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along.
Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person.
He called the waitress and she looked perplexed.
She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man.
All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card.
No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology..
Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.
Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken away for even a short period of time.
Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, 'assuming'
that it has to be theirs.
FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!
Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in.
I paid by using my Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked directly to my checking account.
The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.
While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialling.
I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture.
He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still
Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on.
It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I'm paying close attention to what he is doing..
He set his phone on the counter, leaving it open.
About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved.
Now I'm standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card.
Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened.
Needless to say, I immediately cancelled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlour.
All I am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all times.
Whenever you are using your credit card take caution and don't be careless.
Notice who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card.
Be aware of phones, because many have a camera phone these days.
FORWARD THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN THINK OF. LET'S GET THE WORD OUT! JUST BE AWARE!
Never let your card out of your sight.....check and check again!
Scary isn't it?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN !!!! TO THE RIGHT
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL !!!! IN TUB.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO RUSSIA, YOU ARE WELCOME.
In a Bucharest Hotel lobby (really!):
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Monday, May 09, 2011
The following were results for an Ozwords Competition
where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one
letter, and supply a new and witty definition.
You clearly need to be an Aussie to understand.
Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
Fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.
Shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
Crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
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