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Ozwords Competition!

Monday, May 09, 2011

The following were results for an Ozwords Competition
where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one
letter, and supply a new and witty definition.

You clearly need to be an Aussie to understand.


Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

Fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.

Shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

Crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 5/15/2011 9:09AM

    Good to know :)

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SEYSARAH 5/14/2011 11:47AM

    you know that..I'm not an Aussie and found it hysterical anyway..thanks for the laugh!

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L*I*T*A* 5/9/2011 3:40PM

    cool......wish i could speak aussie.... emoticon

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True stories from Doctors...

Sunday, May 08, 2011

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remarked the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered.. "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
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A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes entered. It was very quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANDIS799 5/9/2011 12:09PM

    Thanks for another good laugh!

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DOOBRIE 5/8/2011 4:13PM

    emoticon I really enjoyed those stories!

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PHEBESS 5/8/2011 11:44AM

    LOL!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!

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ERIN4771 5/8/2011 10:32AM

    too funny yet again!! so glad i subscribe to your blogs, they really do make my day!!!

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TIGERLILY34 5/8/2011 8:21AM

  your stories are so funny

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WARRIORMAMA 5/8/2011 7:58AM

    Hahaha! Always love a good laugh to start out the day! emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 5/8/2011 7:34AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POOF and the light goes off!

Saturday, May 07, 2011

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal.

The doctor says, " Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Gary replies, "God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary 's wife.
"Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?"

"OH MY Gosh!" Marianne exclaims.
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!"
emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 5/16/2014 7:18AM

    Good one Ania. emoticon

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MILLISMA 5/7/2011 8:02PM

    You got me on this one!!!! emoticon

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NANT406 5/7/2011 12:49PM

    Thanks for the joke! A good laught was exactly what I needed. emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/7/2011 10:46AM

    Oh no!!!!!

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DESERTDREAMERS 5/7/2011 7:14AM

    ow!

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ERIN4771 5/7/2011 6:35AM

    i think i know that guy emoticon...too funny!! thanks again for the giggle!!

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EOWYN2424 5/7/2011 4:47AM

    Lol!

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L*I*T*A* 5/7/2011 4:40AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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European English.

Friday, May 06, 2011

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOOBRIE 5/8/2011 4:20PM

    Ja das ist gut!

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SEYSARAH 5/7/2011 3:52PM

    I let Dennis read this..great for a wonderful laugh in the middle of a stress filled day..thanks so much for sharing..I'm still giggling!

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MINNA72 5/7/2011 3:32PM

    Kuld not hav ben more vunderbar! LOL!

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L*I*T*A* 5/7/2011 4:02AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHARONBAILEY913 5/7/2011 1:32AM

    Scarily, it almost started to make sense!

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2BLEAN_N_FIT_AZ 5/6/2011 7:19PM

    emoticon

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MILLISMA 5/6/2011 6:46PM

    too funny!!!!

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PHEBESS 5/6/2011 1:46PM

    Checheche!

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INGMARIE 5/6/2011 12:32PM

    Lovely. Thanks That was soo funny
hereis my take on it.

What the **** are they thinking.?
The English language is great as it is,Yes?

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APRILJOY1000 5/6/2011 11:13AM

    Oh that was really good. I had to pass it on to my 10th grade son. He is in his second year studying Latin which has made him very aware of our language's little quirks.

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VEGGIE_POWERED 5/6/2011 8:07AM

    Vunderbar, ya! Uvsum!

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ERIN4771 5/6/2011 7:12AM

    too funny!! thanks for the giggle this morning, i needed it more than you can imagine emoticon

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"Something About Wives"

Thursday, May 05, 2011

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, " In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants,
but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 5/7/2011 1:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/5/2011 7:57AM

    Very cute

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