Wednesday, May 04, 2011
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Monday, May 02, 2011
1. The sentence " The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog" uses every letter in the English language.
2. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
3. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar & England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
4. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because, he doesn't wear pants.
5. The Name of all the Continents End with the same letter that they start with.
6. The word " Lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
7. Typewriter Is the longest word that can be made using the Letters On Only One Row of the Keyboard.
8. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, Dogs only have about ten.
9. Our Eyes are always the same size from birth, But Our Nose & Ears Never Stop Growing.
10. February - 1865 is the only month in recorded history Not to have a Full Moon.
11. Babies are born without Knee Caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
12. Only 1 person in two billion will live to be 116 or older .
13. The Human Heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
14. The strongest muscle in the body is the Tongue.
15. It's impossible to Sneeze with Eyes open.
16. An Ostrich's Eye is bigger than its brain .
17. Starfish haven't / doesn't have Brains.
18. Rubber Bands last longer when Refrigerated.
19. The Average Secretary's Left hand does 56% of the typing.
20. No word in the English language rhymes with Month, Orange, Silver or Purple.
21. " Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
22. There are only 4 words in the English language which end in "- dous": Tremendous, Horrendous, Stupendous & Hazardous .
23. In England, the Speaker of the House is Not Allowed To Speak.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Don't think I need to comment on the story below!
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching
speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids,
or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.....
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