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"Something About Wives"

Thursday, May 05, 2011

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, " In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants,
but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 5/7/2011 1:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/5/2011 7:57AM

    Very cute

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7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'





A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'





One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'





The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'





The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'


It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ETTEZEUS 5/4/2011 7:21PM

    Thanks for the chuckles Ania!

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APRILJOY1000 5/4/2011 3:48PM

    Everybody at work now knows I'm not working. I am sitting in an office by myself emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/4/2011 1:33PM

    emoticon

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CANDIS799 5/4/2011 12:27PM

    emoticon

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BESEVEN 5/4/2011 11:31AM

    Too funny!
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MOMONTHERUN1 5/4/2011 9:40AM

    Thanks for sharing these.

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CAREN_BLUEJEANS 5/4/2011 9:38AM

    God's watching the apples emoticon

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ILOVEROSES 5/4/2011 7:34AM

    Yes, Peggy. That sounds like something that Adin would write!

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PEGGYO 5/4/2011 7:28AM

    I especially liked the last one.

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IMAOFSEVEN 5/4/2011 7:09AM

    Thanks for the laughs (as usual)!

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MINNA72 5/4/2011 6:57AM

    Oh my! LOL! Thanks for the laugh, Ania!

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JBJAKUBEK 5/4/2011 6:45AM

    Those were fun. Thanks for sharing.

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First time sex.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANDIS799 5/6/2011 11:38AM

    Love your jokes, Ania!!

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ERIN4771 5/6/2011 7:14AM

    emoticon

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WENWIN 5/5/2011 8:41AM

    Thanks for the smiles!!

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FLOWER1967 5/5/2011 6:58AM

    Oh my goodness ! How embarrasing !!!! LOL !
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RUNNERMOMTO3 5/4/2011 1:06PM

    LMAO good one!

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STIPER23 5/4/2011 11:23AM

    LOL!

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MOMONTHERUN1 5/4/2011 9:40AM

    emoticon Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

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MINNA72 5/4/2011 9:13AM

    emoticon Okay, this had me laughing out loud!

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-COURT- 5/4/2011 12:34AM

    emoticon

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AIDELADE27 5/3/2011 10:25PM

    Love it!

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LIZZYP609 5/3/2011 4:41PM

    OM! that was FUNNY!! emoticon

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EDDYMEESE 5/3/2011 1:06PM

    LOL!!!

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PHEBESS 5/3/2011 12:36PM

    OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FRANNIEDID 5/3/2011 9:51AM

    Too funny, thanks for sharing!!!

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ZBMORGAN 5/3/2011 7:51AM

    Ouch! TOO FUNNY!

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MESEATURTLE 5/3/2011 7:03AM

    emoticon

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YAGERMONSTER 5/3/2011 5:44AM

    Nice, thanks for sharing. :D

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EUPHRATES 5/3/2011 4:57AM

    LOLZ!

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INTERESTING FACTS BUT AMAZINGLY TRUE!

Monday, May 02, 2011

1. The sentence " The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog" uses every letter in the English language.

2. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

3. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar & England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

4. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because, he doesn't wear pants.

5. The Name of all the Continents End with the same letter that they start with.

6. The word " Lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

7. Typewriter Is the longest word that can be made using the Letters On Only One Row of the Keyboard.

8. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, Dogs only have about ten.

9. Our Eyes are always the same size from birth, But Our Nose & Ears Never Stop Growing.

10. February - 1865 is the only month in recorded history Not to have a Full Moon.

11. Babies are born without Knee Caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

12. Only 1 person in two billion will live to be 116 or older .

13. The Human Heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

14. The strongest muscle in the body is the Tongue.

15. It's impossible to Sneeze with Eyes open.

16. An Ostrich's Eye is bigger than its brain .

17. Starfish haven't / doesn't have Brains.

18. Rubber Bands last longer when Refrigerated.

19. The Average Secretary's Left hand does 56% of the typing.

20. No word in the English language rhymes with Month, Orange, Silver or Purple.

21. " Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

22. There are only 4 words in the English language which end in "- dous": Tremendous, Horrendous, Stupendous & Hazardous .

23. In England, the Speaker of the House is Not Allowed To Speak.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GODDESSELLIE07 7/19/2011 5:12PM

    Fun facts... I found one that was wrong... 5. The Name of all the Continents End with the same letter that they start with.

North America and South America don't end with the same letter that they start with!

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ILOVEROSES 5/3/2011 12:14AM

    Thank you Phebe. Of course, it makes sense, calling the book by the first 4 letters of the alphabet.

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JOPAPGH 5/2/2011 9:26PM

    cool.

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PHEBESS 5/2/2011 11:02AM

    Just to add to your trivia:

Books that are examples of words in alphabetic order (i.e., A is for Apple, B is for Baby, etc.) are called abecediaries or abecedaries (either is proper).

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TOTHEFUTURE1 5/2/2011 10:34AM

    Very interesting especially as someone has gone to a lot of effort to collect it all.

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APRILJOY1000 5/2/2011 9:50AM

    Thanks! Interesting. Some I have heard others are new.

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ARLENE_MOVES 5/2/2011 8:13AM

    So interesting -- thanks for sharing!

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MILLISMA 5/2/2011 8:11AM

    Thanks, Ania. Some of these I knew but many I had never heard.

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HOW TO STAY YOUNG!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.

Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.



2. Keep only cheerful friends.

The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)



3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,

whatever. Never let the brain get idle.

"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."

And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!



4. Enjoy the simple things.



5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.



6. The tears happen:

Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.




7. Surround yourself with what you love:

Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health:

If it is good, preserve it.

If it is unstable, improve it.

If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.




9. Don't take guilt trips.

Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.



10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATJ7084 5/1/2011 6:02PM

    Brilliant as usual my friend emoticon

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JOPAPGH 5/1/2011 2:42PM

    emoticon for these pearls of wisdom.

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PHEBESS 5/1/2011 11:26AM

    emoticon

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INGMARIE 5/1/2011 9:21AM

    thanks for sharing ,
nice reminder to us all. emoticon emoticon

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MOMONTHERUN1 5/1/2011 7:11AM

    So true!!! Thanks for the much needed reminders!

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BD3269PM 5/1/2011 6:33AM

    Well said. Thank you for sharing. Keep on Sparking! emoticon

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MINNA72 5/1/2011 3:12AM

    Thanks for the reminder, Ania! Well said!

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ARLENE_MOVES 5/1/2011 1:58AM

    Thanks for sharing this. Needs to be re-read every day.



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CONFUSEDBIRD 4/30/2011 11:50PM

    Love it!

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SEYSARAH 4/30/2011 10:17PM

    What a beautiful blog..thank you so much for posting it...I needed the reminders!

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