Friday, April 29, 2011
Don't think I need to comment on the story below!
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching
speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids,
or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.....
Friday, April 29, 2011
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message -
...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, No, the steaks are too high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, I'll give you some cream to put on it.
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
' Is it common? '
It's not unusual.
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
Well, says the vet, let's have a look at him,
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down. What?
Because he's cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy.
14. Guy goes into the doctor's.
Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
Don't you start.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16.What do you call a fish with no eyes?
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give
me a lift?
I said, Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other your round.
The other one says, So are you, you fat bast**d!
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctor's surgery. He said, I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore.
Monday, April 25, 2011
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the waste basket under the table,
And notice that the basket is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the rubbish anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm ,
And I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only one cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Friday, April 22, 2011
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Seņora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Seņora......."
"The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Thursday, March 31, 2011
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli ,a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
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