Monday, April 25, 2011
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the waste basket under the table,
And notice that the basket is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the rubbish anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm ,
And I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only one cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Friday, April 22, 2011
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Seņora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Seņora......."
"The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Thursday, March 31, 2011
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli ,a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Just in case you're planning to do a little cooking...
To keep potatoes from budding,
place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy Smash mashed potato mix.
Keeps in the cupboard for up to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking tin, use a bit of dry cake
mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery!
Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting
in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Never heard of it!
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead.. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila,
chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.
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