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SARCASM AT ITS BEST

Saturday, September 14, 2013


A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

You have to give the doctor an 'A' for positive thinking. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANETTEB553 9/15/2013 5:48PM

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L*I*T*A* 9/15/2013 12:44PM

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GOANNA2 9/15/2013 9:43AM

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INGMARIE 9/15/2013 9:39AM

    emoticon good one. Thanks emoticon

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GAYLLYNNE 9/15/2013 8:19AM

    LOL - great line!!

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FERRETLOVER1 9/15/2013 7:26AM

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LJCANNON 9/15/2013 12:18AM

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WALLAHALLA 9/14/2013 10:59PM

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GROAN....

Friday, September 13, 2013

"Lexiphile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, like: you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish, or:



To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FERRETLOVER1 9/14/2013 7:50AM

    I've always been quite the fan of word play and puns - emoticon for sharing!

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LITTLEWIND53 9/13/2013 5:34PM

    LOL
Some really good ones there.

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PEGGYO 9/13/2013 4:52PM

    emoticon

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FRANNIEDID 9/13/2013 3:53PM

    So cute, thanks for sharing. It reminds me a little of a rhyme my mom used to tell us when we were little using the alphabet. You have to read it out loud to get it!

ABCD goldfish
LMNO goldfish
OSAR
ISMPN

Le
t me know if you get it!

emoticon

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WALLAHALLA 9/13/2013 11:25AM

    emoticon loved 'em all

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BARBARASDIET 9/13/2013 10:55AM

    I'm glad to see more jokes from you!!

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L*I*T*A* 9/13/2013 10:30AM

    emoticon emoticon

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GOANNA2 9/13/2013 9:31AM

    I had a good laugh. Thank you. emoticon

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GAYLLYNNE 9/13/2013 9:26AM

    OMG, yes, they made me groan but they also made me laugh out loud!! Thanks for the morning smile!

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Senior Travel.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013



A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.


He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!


About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with’?



ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING..... !

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 9/11/2013 4:23AM

    Love it! emoticon

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CONNIER64 9/11/2013 12:21AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MARYELLEN301 9/10/2013 8:49PM

    Mam, that was probably my ex husband!!

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MILLISMA 9/10/2013 8:31PM

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WALLAHALLA 9/10/2013 11:56AM

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PEGGYO 9/10/2013 11:18AM

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L*I*T*A* 9/10/2013 10:17AM

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MSKRIS7 9/10/2013 10:15AM

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1960's Hits Renamed....

Monday, September 09, 2013

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate ageing baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.


They include:


Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash


Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker



Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends



The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?


Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face



Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now


Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver


The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom


Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair


Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping


The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone


Abba---
Denture Queen



Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If
You Hear Me Fall


Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore



Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To


And Last, but NOT least:



Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again


Every day may not be good,
but there's something good in every day.







  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DESERTDREAMERS 9/9/2013 11:00PM

    Funny stuff

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WALLAHALLA 9/9/2013 9:08PM

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L*I*T*A* 9/9/2013 10:08AM

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GOANNA2 9/9/2013 9:09AM

    Very clever, thanks a lot Ania. Really had a good laugh.
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PYNETREE 9/9/2013 8:13AM

    Thes are all great! Thanks for the Grin ! emoticon

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POETICJUSTUS 9/9/2013 4:56AM

    Hee Ha! How funny. emoticon emoticon

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GHOSTFLAMES 9/9/2013 4:48AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HOLY PROSTITUTES........It's a clean one.

Friday, September 06, 2013


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY

THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 9/7/2013 2:48AM

    Love it. Thanks Ania.

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WALLAHALLA 9/6/2013 9:33PM

    emoticon

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THROOPER62 9/6/2013 6:25PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PHEBESS 9/6/2013 4:30PM

    LOL!!!!!!!!

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L*I*T*A* 9/6/2013 11:07AM

    emoticon

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INGMARIE 9/6/2013 7:36AM

    emoticon thanks this was funny

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TWEETYKC00 9/6/2013 4:50AM

    lol

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DESERTDREAMERS 9/6/2013 4:01AM

    emoticon Doh!

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PAMNANGEL 9/6/2013 3:27AM

    emoticon

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FITANDFIFTY2 9/6/2013 3:05AM

    Loved it.. so darn cute!!! emoticon

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NIGHTPHEONIX 9/6/2013 3:00AM

    I like it but they are pushing the line a little the sweet sisters are almost telling a lie. I needed a good laugh. Thank You!


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