Wednesday, April 17, 2013
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
Thursday, April 04, 2013
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a
fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb *ss put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
In just over 12 hours we will be going to the airport to fly to Prague, Czech Republic for the start of our Magical European White Christmas Tour!
Today was a hot day here, 38 deg.C/ 100F! Wonder how cold it's gonna be on Christmas Day when we arrive in Prague?
I think I have enough warm clothes, hopefully. It never gets below 3-5 deg C in the morning here in the middle of winter.
We are spending 3 days in Prague. Never been there, so will enjoy uncovering the rich history of this beautiful city. Will be seeing the 1000 year old Prague Castle, St Vitus Cathedral, Charles Bridge, Wenceslas Square and the Astronomical clock, once the envy of all Europe. In the evening we attend the stunning Prague State Opera to enjoy Verdi's Aida.
And that's just Day 1!
Next day we have a 2 hour cruise on Vltava river in the morning and in the evening we go to Black Light Theatre.
We then drive through the scenic Bohemian countryside to the medieval town of Cesky Krumlov in South Bohemia. We spend 2 days in this stunning village where 82% of the buildings are officially registered as cultural monuments.
From there we travel through the farming Czech country into Hungary and on to Budapest. We'll spend 5 nights at the luxury Spa Hotel Thermal located in the heart of Budapest, on Margaret Island on the river Danube.
In the evening we have a traditional Hungarian New Year's Eve Gala Dinner with entertainment.
Next day at noon we enjoy New Year's Day concert. The day will end with 1 hour spectacular Danube cruise with on the famous Danube River.
Next day we'll take an excursion into Hungary's history. We will also be indulging in a spa treatment & relaxing in the thermal pool.
On Fri 4th Jan we cross the border into Poland and visit the medieval city of Krakow dating back to 7th century. It was country's capital for over 500 years and birthplace of Pope John Paul II. Saturday is our free day so I invited my cousin who lives in Warsaw to come and see us. We'll be spending the day with her and after dinner she'll get back on the train and go home. I saw her last year in August when her niece was married, so it will be fun to see her again. Don't know when we get another chance!
On Mon 7th Jan we travel across the border to Slovakia's capital, the historic Bratislava, which was also capital of the Hungarian Empire for 200 years. After dinner we go to Bratislava Opera to see Bizet's Carmen!
After 2 days in Bratislava we depart for Vienna, where we spend another 3 full days!
This is really a luxury tour. Daily breakfasts and dinners included, sighseeing tours in each city, 2 river cruises with champagne & wine plus 2 operas, theatre and concerts in Krakow, Vienna and Budapest!
I am really looking forward to having lots of fun!
Monday, December 17, 2012
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People
· If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman ..
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back...
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed...
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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