Monday, September 10, 2012
IN HIS continuing search for the weird, wacky and wondrous in the world of travel, David Ellis says Britain’s Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel Agents have compiled a list of their countrymen’s more bizarre complaints.
Howlers include one British honeymooner, who on return home, complained to his travel agent that his honeymoon had been ruined – because he’d been left feeling inadequate after confronting the sight of an “aroused” elephant.
Another complained about the seaside holiday spot that had been recommended to him because “the beach was too sandy”, while a couple was upset to discover fish swimming in the sea.
"No one told us there would be fish in the sea,” the wife said. “The children were startled.”
And it seems some travellers also have a lot to learn about other aspects of nature. "I was bitten by a mosquito – no one said they could bite," one traveller wrote to his travel agent.
Then there was the British guest dining at a Novotel hotel in Australia who complained his soup was too thick and strong. The waiter pointed out that it was the gravy for his main course.
And one young lady even blamed a hotel for her pregnancy. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room, but we were placed in a double-bedded room,” she wrote to her agent. “We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant – this would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Other complaints included “There are too many Spanish people in Spain” and that a holiday was spoiled because “too much curry is served in restaurants in India”.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you? "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
Monday, August 20, 2012
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humour? Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door on night! I finally had to let her out.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words does a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60. Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"*
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
On Friday we left Amsterdam by train to Liege. It was a long journey but luckily without changing trains! Liege is near the border with Holland. It has a very modern, striking station.
The hotel I booked turned out to be a 40 min bus ride from Liege! It turned out that the one in Liege is being renovated so they put everyone at the moment in Boncelles, lol.
Next morning we took the bus to Liege and then a train to Spa, just 30 km away. It's a resort town recommended by DD#2. We walked around, had a nice lunch, took the funicular railway to the top and then tried to get home. Well....it took hours! The train timetable was incorrect, had to wait an extra 50 min on the station, then when we got to Liege couldn't find a bus to take us back to Boncelles.
By that time I had enough, so we got into a cab and got to the hotel 30 min later and 21 euros poorer, lol.
On Sunday after a 3 hour train journey we got toa rainy Luxembourg City. Got a taxi to our hotel and it turned out we're 10 min away from downtown and way too far to walk there. The rain didn't let up at all, so we stayed in and read and made good use of the complimentary internet. The hotel is better than the usual ones we stay in. Spacious room, big bathroom and perfect wifi connection. Nice breakfast every morning included! Bus stop downtown opposite the hotel and only 10 min ride for 1.50 euro valid for 2 hours.
Next morning was overcast and cool, where's summer? The bus took us to the city and we just walked around with all other tourists and took a City Promenade walking tour after lunch. Had a lovely guide-Robert, a native of Luxembourg, around 75 and speaking fluent English and German. He'd first explain everything in English and then the same in German.
You could tell that he really enjoyed taking us all around and talking about his favourite subject.
The country was founded in 963 AD but for many centuries been invaded by the Dutch, French, German and Spanish armies and eventually won it's independence in 1815.
We walked to the P.M.'s residence, like 10 Downing Street in London and not a guard in sight.
The same outside the beautiful Ducal Palace, just a 20 something ceremonial soldier.
We passed a restaurant that Robert mentioned has a Michelin star. While he was explaining in German, I went in and got their business card with the address & phone #.
At the end of our tour I asked a girl at the Tourist Information to reserve a table for us.
Luxembourg City is an old walled city of almost 200,000 inhabitants. The guide told us that there are people from 153 nations in Luxembourg, therefore no shortage or variety of places
to eat. We had a lovely meal that night.
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