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Some thoughts for the day!!!!

Monday, December 10, 2012

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu


America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman


I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes


After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb


Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for 30 years.
~ Betsy Salkind


The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr


I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor


You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy


When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.


Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford


The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan


Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall


Kill one man and you're a murderer — kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have $50 million but I'm just as happy as when I had $48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz


If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante


As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn


If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell


The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FUTUREHOPE49 12/14/2012 6:35PM

    Ha Ha! emoticon And the last one really takes the biscuit!

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RONALANA 12/11/2012 8:04PM


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PEGGYO 12/11/2012 6:01PM


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EFFIEANNIE 12/11/2012 8:03AM

    emoticon Thanks for the laughs.

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GOANNA2 12/11/2012 12:00AM


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LITTLEWIND53 12/10/2012 11:11PM


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DESERTDREAMERS 12/10/2012 8:29PM

    Funny emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 12/10/2012 8:19PM

    emoticon emoticon

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AJB121299 12/10/2012 8:04PM


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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I changed my iPod name to Titanic, it's syncing now.

I tried to catch some fog, I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns, It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEGGYO 11/17/2012 2:05PM


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INFLATED 11/16/2012 12:38AM

    I liked your blog.

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GAYLLYNNE 11/15/2012 7:29AM

    ROFL!!! These are hilarious! Thanks so much for the giggle!!

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GOANNA2 11/15/2012 6:43AM

    Welcome back. emoticon

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LITTLEWIND53 11/14/2012 9:58PM


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LINOVER 11/14/2012 8:49PM

    These are great! You really made me smile! emoticon

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EFFIEANNIE 11/14/2012 11:22AM

    I like those~ someone is really clever!

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L*I*T*A* 11/14/2012 11:07AM

    emoticon emoticon

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RONALANA 11/14/2012 10:39AM

    emoticon emoticon
I had not seen any of these before - they brought a smile to my face! emoticon

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VINVARA 11/14/2012 9:59AM

    Lol, great way to start my day. Thanks for the laughs emoticon

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Tourists’ most bizarre complaints

Monday, September 10, 2012

IN HIS continuing search for the weird, wacky and wondrous in the world of travel, David Ellis says Britain’s Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel Agents have compiled a list of their countrymen’s more bizarre complaints.

Howlers include one British honeymooner, who on return home, complained to his travel agent that his honeymoon had been ruined – because he’d been left feeling inadequate after confronting the sight of an “aroused” elephant.

Another complained about the seaside holiday spot that had been recommended to him because “the beach was too sandy”, while a couple was upset to discover fish swimming in the sea.

"No one told us there would be fish in the sea,” the wife said. “The children were startled.”

And it seems some travellers also have a lot to learn about other aspects of nature. "I was bitten by a mosquito – no one said they could bite," one traveller wrote to his travel agent.

Then there was the British guest dining at a Novotel hotel in Australia who complained his soup was too thick and strong. The waiter pointed out that it was the gravy for his main course.

And one young lady even blamed a hotel for her pregnancy. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room, but we were placed in a double-bedded room,” she wrote to her agent. “We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant – this would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Other complaints included “There are too many Spanish people in Spain” and that a holiday was spoiled because “too much curry is served in restaurants in India”.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SEVEN- 10/28/2012 9:32PM

    This is great! emoticon

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INFLATED 10/4/2012 8:02AM

    Someone could have made some money selling "diet" water to these people.

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CHEFKATLEANER 9/12/2012 4:22PM

    Oh my. *lol*

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ADRIENALINE 9/12/2012 3:49PM

    Funny stuff.

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PEACEJENN 9/12/2012 3:34PM

    emoticon Oh my, people are so not smart!!! They got pregnant because they weren't booked in a twin bedded room, oh come on people!!!! LMAO!!!!

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LITTLEWIND53 9/12/2012 1:50PM

    typical. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GLMOM2 9/11/2012 9:31PM


It takes all kinds to make the world go around! emoticon

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KAUAI-CAROLANN 9/11/2012 6:57PM

    I'm in the tourism industry here on Kauai and have similar stories....these made me crack up laughing!

Mahalo for posting this!

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PEGGYO 9/11/2012 6:41PM


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L*I*T*A* 9/11/2012 5:30PM


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JUDYBUGS 9/11/2012 3:06PM

    Gosh, is this silly or what! emoticon

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PYNETREE 9/11/2012 9:24AM

    Takes all kinds....LOL!

Thanks for sharing!

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BESEVEN 9/11/2012 9:19AM


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GOANNA2 9/11/2012 6:38AM

    Oh Lordy! emoticon

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*MADHU* 9/11/2012 6:05AM

    emoticon emoticon

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BARBARASDIET 9/10/2012 10:39PM


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DESERTDREAMERS 9/10/2012 10:36PM

    OMG, I can just see some people I know saying some of these things!

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PHEBESS 9/10/2012 10:07PM

    Oh my - these people either need to get out more, or just stay home!

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MARYELLEN301 9/10/2012 8:36PM

    Having worked 11 years for a major airline, I can assure you we all have our stories! Flying across the International Date Line or going from one time zone to another on a short flight where you arrive before you depart is another that is always a head banger!

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MORNINGSONG1 9/10/2012 8:11PM

    Love the witty and simple things you present in your blog. It is very entertaining and highlights the wonders of travel in a pleasing light.

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Old Jewish Catskill Humour - Part 2.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you? "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 8/24/2012 12:39AM

    LOL at these while my husband is sleeping.

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PHEBESS 8/22/2012 9:12AM


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GOANNA2 8/22/2012 7:18AM

    Love them all, especially the Princess one. emoticon

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GAYLLYNNE 8/22/2012 7:11AM

    Some more of my favorites!! How can you not laugh at these!! Priceless!!!

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MARYELLEN301 8/21/2012 8:20PM

    Though she wasn't Jewish we lost another great one yesterday when Phyllis Diller died at 95. I saw her once in person and she was a riot. That was on a Friday night. Sunday there was an Ed Sullivan special on commemorating some sort of anniversary of his program. They were featuring acts that he was instrumental in making famous. They had excerpts of not only Elvis and the Beatles but of Phyllis Diller. She used the exact same lines THEN as I'd heard two nights before. They were STILL funny and clean to boot. I wonder what our kids and grand-kids will mourn the loss of when they are our ages?

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PEGGYO 8/21/2012 3:38PM


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L*I*T*A* 8/21/2012 2:55PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EFFIEANNIE 8/21/2012 12:49PM

    You made me laugh today. Thank you!!

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SAINTBETH 8/21/2012 12:02PM

    Good ones! Oyveh!

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LITTLEWIND53 8/21/2012 10:02AM


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Old Jewish Catskill Humour - Part 1.

Monday, August 20, 2012

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humour? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door on night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words does a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60. Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"*

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINOVER 11/14/2012 8:56PM

    I loved those old Vaudeville comics! They are definitely missed by many of us!

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ADRIENALINE 9/12/2012 3:52PM

    I really miss them. My parents honeymooned at Grosingers.

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INFLATED 8/24/2012 12:39AM

    These were great!

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GOANNA2 8/23/2012 4:57AM

    Thanks for those memories of old. You are absolutely right,
not a single swear word. emoticon

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EFFIEANNIE 8/21/2012 12:48PM

    Soo funny.

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PEGGYO 8/20/2012 5:07PM

    I was at Grossingers long long ago.

Dirty Dancing was about there too.

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MARYELLEN301 8/20/2012 3:08PM

    I think of all of them, Totie Fields was my favorite! She really cracked me up! She was on Johnny Carson one night, sitting next to Ed McMahon on the couch. Sitting there they both looked to be the same height. (Of course her feet weren't even close to touching the floor.) Johnny had them both stand up and by the time Totie's feet touched the floor and Ed finished unfolding himself, she was about as tall as his belly button! How that happened is beyond me but Totie's explanation was that she was sitting on at least 12 inches of fat on her butt! She was a great comic. RIP

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GAYLLYNNE 8/20/2012 11:38AM

    Remember all of these!!! Hahahahaha!!!

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L*I*T*A* 8/20/2012 10:51AM

    emoticon emoticon

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LITTLEWIND53 8/20/2012 10:12AM

    Some great humour and like you said, not a swear word to be found. See young people, it CAN be done!

Comment edited on: 8/20/2012 10:12:45 AM

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MILLISMA 8/20/2012 9:26AM

    These were some of the greatest comics!!! You are so right about their humor. Thanks for the reminder of the days gone past.

hugs....Mary Anne

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ILOVEROSES 8/20/2012 9:12AM

    Have you ever been there, Phebe? I've only just read about them.

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PHEBESS 8/20/2012 9:00AM

    Gotta love the Catskills!

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