ILOVEROSES   183,699
SparkPoints
100,000 or more SparkPoints
 
 
ILOVEROSES's Recent Blog Entries

Wise Italian Grandfather!

Monday, June 04, 2012

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATJ7084 6/4/2012 6:07PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FATKAT65 6/4/2012 5:00PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 6/4/2012 12:17PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 6/4/2012 7:27AM

    emoticon emoticonThanks

Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYLLYNNE 6/4/2012 7:04AM

    Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 6/4/2012 6:16AM

    Funny!

Report Inappropriate Comment
NYARAMULA 6/4/2012 2:31AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANT406 6/4/2012 1:56AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


The Jewish Elbow.

Sunday, June 03, 2012

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What ... You coming empty handed?"
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLEWIND53 8/10/2012 8:34PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INFLATED 6/4/2012 3:19PM

    Grandma knows how to "drop a hint."

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 6/3/2012 8:22PM

    great.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MILLISMA 6/3/2012 7:56PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PATJ7084 6/3/2012 6:19PM

    love your blogs emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 6/3/2012 3:24PM

    Nope, he's carrying chocolate babka!

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 6/3/2012 12:39PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Hebronics.

Monday, May 21, 2012

New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language.
Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful; that dress."

Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations! "
Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 6/1/2012 10:06PM

    My husband said on our trip to Wyoming, "There's a tunnel at the end of the rainbow."

Hebronics-funnny stuff.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DESERTDREAMERS 5/31/2012 1:45AM

    Yep - I think bilingual I am, too!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BESEVEN 5/22/2012 7:53AM

    Hey, I'm bilingual and didn't even know it! I'm a fluent Hebronics speaker!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANT406 5/22/2012 2:49AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PROVERBS31JULIA 5/21/2012 11:43PM

    This is great!! Maybe I really am Jewish?? (biologically). It always make sense, that way. And the sarcasm - alright already! I grew up that way. I'm still learning. Ha. Some of it like the pronoun example "it's beautiful, the dress" is also done in American Sign Language.

hmm Methinks Yoda is Jewish?????

And I always loved the part in the "Fiddler on the Roof" where they ask the Rabbi if he can bless someone as mean as the Tzar, and he said "Certainly! May the Lord bless and keep the Tzar.....far, far away from us!!"

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
EDDYMEESE 5/21/2012 11:36PM

    HA HA!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/21/2012 1:32PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MILLISMA 5/21/2012 10:04AM

    Ha, ha! Think I'll stick with English!! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/21/2012 8:57AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 5/21/2012 7:52AM

    Funny schmunny (LOL!)

Report Inappropriate Comment
PEGGYO 5/21/2012 7:28AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Never squat with your spurs on!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull s*it, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. [ain't it the truth! ]

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DESERTDREAMERS 5/20/2012 11:46PM

    He was a great philosopher!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LORIAPO 5/20/2012 6:47PM

    I enjoyed these.
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LORIAPO 5/20/2012 3:30PM

    I enjoyed these.
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MILLISMA 5/20/2012 1:42PM

    I've always loved this. What a great man he was....especially the last one...lol

emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/20/2012 10:46AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/20/2012 9:36AM

    emoticonloved it. emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYLLYNNE 5/20/2012 9:16AM

    Love these!! Thanks for posting!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MRE1956 5/20/2012 6:47AM

    Yep - he sure knew what he was talkin' about!

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Some Good Puns.

Friday, May 18, 2012

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

---------------------

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...
and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

---------------------

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

---------------------

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

----------------------

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profuselysaying,
"I must have taken Leif off my census."

----------------------

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.
The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides...

-----------------------

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 5/21/2012 4:44AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/18/2012 7:39PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CJJANISS 5/18/2012 2:19PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/18/2012 11:12AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 Last Page