Friday, June 15, 2012
It's my bedtime but I wanted to blog about my holiday.
It's that time of the year when we fly to UK, I call it our annual pilgrimage.
This time we're going to Benelux countries first for 3 weeks, then a 2 week cruise to Iceland and the Fjords AND THEN to Scotland to see our beautiful granddaughters.
We fly out tomorrow lunchtime to Brunei, stop for 3.5 hours then onto Dubai, another couple of hours stopover and then fly to London. We wait for almost 6 hours before catching a plane to Amsterdam. By the time we arrive at our Amsterdam hotel, it might be 35-40 hours since we left home, lol.
We have 5 days in Amsterdam, then a couple of days in Liege, Belgium, 3 days in Luxembourg City, then going west to northern France, Amiens and Villers-Bretonneux where our soldiers fought in WW1 and see the Australian National Memorial.
From there we go a bit north to Brussels and spend 6 days visiting Bruges, Ghent and Antwerp.
This is the end of our European vacation and we take the Eurostar to London and then a train to Southampton to catch our for a 14 days cruising around Iceland and the Norwegian Fjords.
We're back in Southampton for a few days and travelling around the south of England. Then it's time to visit the family in Scotland! WooHoo!!!
Can't wait to kiss and hugs the girls! It's been a year since I did it last.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Monday, June 04, 2012
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Sunday, June 03, 2012
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What ... You coming empty handed?"
Monday, May 21, 2012
New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language.
Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.
According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'
Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful; that dress."
Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations! "
Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
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